Preeclampsia Fundraiser

I'm trying to figure out how I want to do Maddie's quilt square this year for the annual Preeclampsia Memorial Quilt. This is the square we did last year, and I think it turned out great since we're not the best crafters.
I tried to make it very symbolic, and use things that meant a lot to me or remind me of Maddie. We had 6 stars, one for each month she was carried inside of me, and a monarch butterfly because every time I see one I smile and think of my baby girl. So since we have more time and some experience with making a memorial square I want this one to be fantastic. I haven't completely laid it out in my head, but I'm thinking of making a huge monarch butterfly sewn onto the square in small beads with Madison 5-13-06 embroidered on there in pink.

I love being able to make a difference in this world in her memory. Last year's quilt raised several thousands of dollars for preeclampsia research, and I hope this one will raise even more.

Fun Times

We went out to dinner with the band and a couple of other people after practice tonight. And all I can say is that I had an awesome time. I don't know the last time I've laughed so much in my life. I was actually hurting when we left. I think I forgot to breathe a couple of times. One of the guys, Bobby, was talking about his "former" life when he was in the adult film industry. He asked everyone if they could guess what his name was then. And before I knew it I blurted out "Shorty". The whole table exploded in laughter and I laughed so hard I cried. It was priceless. It really makes me feel good to just spend an evening with friends being silly. Well, off to bed now. Thank God tomorrow's Friday!

Silly Things About Me

I'm stealing this survey from some of my CO peeps. Thanks!

Change all the answers so they apply to you, then tag or link to your friends so they do they same. The theory is that you’ll learn a lot of silly little factoids about your blogging buddies, including things you may never have known. Ready! Set! Go!

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:30 am
2. Do you prefer diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
3. What was the last movie you saw in a cinema? Bleach: Memories of Nobody
4. What is your favorite TV show? Naruto, Family Guy, Bleach
5. What do you usually eat for breakfast? grits and eggs
6. What’s your middle name? Frededrian... Now pronounce that!
7. What food do you dislike? unagi (eel)
8. What’s your favorite CD at the moment? Casting Crown - The Alter and the Door
9. What kind of car do you drive? 2008 Chevy Equinox
10. What’s your favorite sandwich? philly cheese steak
11. What characteristic do you despise? Lying
12. What’s your favorite item of clothing? capris
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Japan
14. Are you an organized person? I try to be.
15. Where do you want to retire to? Hilton Head, SC
16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? 2006, I was pregnant with my little angel. 17. What are you going to do when you finish this? Get back to work
18. Furthest place you are sending this? Cyberspace
19. Person you expect to fill it out first? Who knows
20. What’s on your bathroom counter? Make-up case, toothbrushes, hand soap, electric razor, beard trimmer, inhaler
21. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Night owl
22. What’s your shoe size? 11
23. Any pets? 2 dogs, 1 cat, 3 turtles...zoo!
24. Any new & exciting news you’d like to share? We'll be certified foster parents next week (July 15).
25. What did you want to be when you were little? a doctor
26. How are you today? Sleepy and ready for the weekend
27. What’s your favorite flower? Black magic roses
28. What’s the next date you’re looking forward to? July 15th
29. What are you listening to right now? Prince on my mp3 player
30. What’s the last thing you ate? scrambled eggs, hash browns, and saugsage
31. Do you wish on stars? Sometimes
32. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Pink of course
33. How is the weather right now? Hot and humid as hell
34. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? co-worker in NC
35. Favorite soft drink? Coke
36. Favorite restaurant? Kyoto Sushi and Bar
37. Hair color? dark brown with caramel/blond highlights
38. What was your favorite toy as a child? cabbage patch doll
39. Summer or winter? winter
40. Do you like your hair? Sometimes
41. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate
42. Coffee or tea? Tea
43. Do you prefer your friends e-mail or call you? E-mail...I hate talking on the phone
44. When was the last time you cried? A couple of days ago...I miss my little girl.
45. What’s under your bed? the naughty drawer
46. What did you do last night? visited my parents, cooked dinner, and went to bed
47. What are you afraid of? Never being able to have another child that lives.
48. Salty or sweet? Either...depends on my mood.
49. How many keys are on your key ring? 8
50. How long have you been at your current job? 3 1/2 years
51. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
52. Do you make friends easily? I guess
53. How many brothers & sisters do you have? 1 older brother
54. Are your parents still married? Yep
55. Do you like finding little details about your friends? Yep

Last Class

Well, we're done with MAPP classes now! Next week will be our last official meeting, but it's basically a dinner and panel of experts discussing all aspects of foster care and adoption. I'm hoping that my parents will be up to coming that night. So now we're just waiting until our home study is done which can take up to 90 days from when we turned in our paperwork back on the 17th of June. I'm praying that it won't take that long to finish and get a baby placed with us. Tonight was a good class and a lot of open discussions on bonds, attachments to birth families, and fostering in general. I found it interesting and kind of sad that some people really couldn't grasp the fact that we live in the south, and it might not be the best for a child to be dropped into a close knit community full of people of another race that's not used to having anyone "different" living with them. The social workers kept trying to explain it to them, but they just weren't getting it. One of the CW told a story about a set of biracial twin babies that were placed in an all white close minded community. The case worker ended up picking the kids up about an hour after he left because the foster parent called and said that they didn't think it would work because the kids were biracial. One why didn't the foster parent just say that before the CW drove an hour to bring the kids? You should know in your heart what you can and can't handle when it comes to something like race. It's one of the 1st things people notice. It's not like it's something you learn later when you meet someone face to face! I know it's probably wrong, but I hope that Rob and I being an interracial couple will play in our favor. We've got both cultures in one home, and all of our extended family has no problem with it. So I guess the waiting game really begins now.

Visit #1 Done!

We had our 1st home study visit this evening, and I think it very well. A, the case worker, came by about 5:15 and stayed for a little over an hour. She looked at the pictures I took of all of the rooms in the house to help speed our process along. They were exactly what she wanted so we marked that part off the list. She looked at our wedding memory book that's on our coffee table because she's never seen an actual printed and bound book for wedding photos. Most of the questions that were asked were directed to me since I was done with all my questions on the paperwork. Rob still has several pages to go, but she said that was fine since she has make a 2nd visit anyway. So we will turn in our completed paperwork then. I was a little miffed that she didn't look at any of the rooms in person or check for any of the safety stuff. Maybe she assumed that we had done the whole house since you could plainly see the cabinet locks on our china hutch in the dining room when she came in the house. Our next visit will be in about a week or so. She'll give us a call to schedule it since she forgot her work calendar.

I've been promising pictures of the nursery for weeks. Here are the ones I took and gave to the case worker. I still can't get the true color of the walls to come through on camera. Enjoy!

Home Study

Today is the day of our home study. I've been so stressed out the past few days and especially last night. We ended up having to spend the day with Rob's family, and that threw off my whole work schedule. We were up until 2 AM last night trying to finish off things and clean the house. We're still not done. I'm leaving work at 2 to do the dishes, sweep again and mop again, clean up the animals, and pick up some last minute things from Wal-mart! All in 3 hours. I will probably crash like a ton of bricks as soon as the social worker leaves. We're almost there thank God! I can see an end in sight and hopefully my head will see my pillow soon too. So tired.

Great deals!

I'm going through withdrawls right now, our internet at home is down. Stupid Bell*South! It won't be up until tomorrow, I hope. So I'm sitting in my office at the church while the band practices for Sunday blogging and shopping online. I've been spending a lot of time on eBay looking for deals on baby stuff. So far I've gotten several awesome ones for crib sheets, clothes, and hooded towels. I've been driving myself nuts the past few days looking for a swing that doesn't cost an arm and leg. eBay has been a bust because the shipping costs are ridiculous for most items that size. We almost bought one last night from Wal-Mart for $100, but I decided to wait and keep looking. This morning I remembered Craigslist, and that we now have listings for our area. So I pulled it up, and guess what I found? I got an almost brand new Graco Lovin Hug swing for only $45!!! Her baby only used it for 2 weeks, and he's only 9 months old now. I'm too excited about my deal!
I also snagged an Exersaucer in excellent condition for $25! I just need to find somewhere to put it until I need it, but I couldn't pass up a deal like that. I'm still on the hunt for a glider or a traditional rocker for the nursery. I just refuse to settle for one that doesn't match to only save a few bucks. There's a wood craftsman that has a shop not too far from us, and I plan to stop over there and check out a rocker. We got the gun safe last night, and the lock for the closet that has the swords and other weapons in it now. We're about 90% done with the child proofing. We still have a couple of cabinets that are proving difficult to secure. Once the garbage men come tomorrow, and haul away all the boxes and stuff we can really start cleaning this weekend. I'm too excited about getting all the excess boxes out of my house and out of my way!

We still have a lot of the home study questions to fill out, but it's hard. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't ask the same question 4 different ways right after each other. My hand is aching just thinking out it. But we will have it all done for Monday. Wow, time is really moving fast.

Well, I probably won't check back in tomorrow so Happy 4th to everyone!

Our Company

Check out our CEO, Glen Post, on the phone with Jim Cramer of Mad Money talking about the huge dividend increase that was issued a few days ago. National exposure and a Buy rating from Jim Cramer! Yay!

http://www.cnbc.com/id/15840232?video=781581975

Coming together

We bought the crib mattress and some more baby proofing items last night. I was hoping to get the same mattress that my co-worker suggested from Target. It was a $55.00 Sealy mattress with 150 steel coils so it would be nice and firm. But our Target was out. I checked Burlington Coat Factory and Wal-Mart too. But neither of them had a decent firm mattress for a good price in stock. So I ended up at Toys R Us, and thankfully they had a nice Sealy 150 coil mattress that's nice and firm in stock for $69.99. I jumped on it since our home study is next Monday! It fits perfectly in our crib, and Rob and I had a time trying to figure out how to install the bumper pad. I'm not sure I like it that much. I may have my mother-in-law add some more ties to it so it will be tighter around the sides of the crib. We're still having a heck of time getting some of the cabinets secured since the handles are so far apart. We've tried 3 different locking systems and none of them fit! Any suggestions would be appreciated. We're at the point now of trying to move the handles on the cabinets, but I'd prefer not too since that will leave some ugly holes in very visible cabinets.

Tonight is Class # 5 which will be on discipline. I think it's going to be interesting to learn about other forms of discipline. Because both Rob and I were raised getting our butts spanked, and that's not an option with a foster child.

Miranda

Today we visited our friends Phillip and Susan, and met their new daughter, Miranda. She's almost 3 weeks old now, and so precious. Lots of strawberry blond hair and deep blue eyes. She's their 1st baby, and she was a welcome surprise for them. They've been married for almost 15 years. This was the first time I've held a baby that small in my arms since Madison. I just held her for hours, and it felt so good. This was Rob's first time holding a small baby since Maddie too. It warmed my heart and kind of hurt it to see him holding a little baby. I never saw him hold Madison except for in a picture. I'm looking forward to babysitting for Phil and Susan just to spend more time with little Miranda. Today just adds to my desire to have babies in our house as soon as possible. My empty arms are aching again.

Cycle Day 1

It's not like I expected it, but it's also not like I wanted it to show up either. So my 3rd cycle on clomid was a failure. The "miracle drug" fails again. I've decided to continue trying on our own for a while. I'm just so tired of going to the doctor. I'll keep my main focus on getting ready for our home study and preparing for a placement. We only have a little over 2 weeks left until our "graduation class" or our final session. The final session will be a discussion panel with lots of people involved in the whole foster/adopt process that we can invite our families to attend. I hope that my parents will be able to make it that night, but it all depends on how my mom is feeling.

We worked on decorating the walls in the nursery today, and I hope to finish them tomorrow. We're waiting for payday this week to go purchase the mattress, gun safe, and a few more small things. I can't wait to get the mattress so we can finally see how the crib bedding looks in the room. I pray we don't do all this work on a nursery and end up not getting an infant.

Other People's Snatchers

Last night I found out that a former friend of ours had a daughter on May 13 of this year. It hurt me so much because he's one of those idiots that hasn't done anything to deserve a gift like that. I hate when babies are born on Maddie's birth/angel day. Because I know that people will remember that day as that babies' birthday, but soon if not already people will forget why May 13 means anything to me. Why is it so easy for everyone else? Everywhere I look there's a pregnant woman, a new baby, or a pregnancy announcement. I really wish I knew what was wrong with me.

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

It's so hard

-Dixie Chicks "So Hard"

I Flunked Again

Another cycle down the drain and more tears shed for an illusive dream. I tried not to get my hopes up this cycle. I kept my mind on other things as long as I could. I actually made it to 11 days after ovulation before I started to wonder if this may be our month. My temperatures were looking so good, but that can be deceiving. I tested at 13 dpo and got my usual results. And it's like my body needed a cue because my temps have dropped steadily since then. So I'm just waiting on aunt flow to show up to officially close this month's chapter. We've been spending a lot of time getting the house together for the home study the past several days, and last night I was organizing the closet. I came across the dress we bought Madison the day we confirmed that we were having a little girl. It's a little white and pink onesie with a pink jumper over it. It meets the girly requirements with ruffles and a little lace. She would have looked so beautiful in it. But she probably would have been too big for it by the time she was full term. She was already a good 15 inches long at almost 24 weeks! I still think about what our lives would be like now with her. I miss her all the time. But I have to accept the fact that the baby things we bought with her in mind will be used by someone else. When does it start to hurt less? When will I be able to type about her without the tears welling up in my eyes and falling on my keyboard?

Getting Closer and closer

I'm excited I just a call from our home development worker that will be handling our home study. She wanted to know if we would be able to meet with her a few minutes before class tonight to set up when she will start her visits. She sounded very nice on the phone, and I'm looking forward to meeting her tonight. Tonight will be our 4th out of 7 classes. I can finally see an end in sight!

We had our physicals and TB tests yesterday morning. We have to go back tomorrow to have the TB test read, and pick up our completed forms from the nurse. We shopped for a small gun safe, and found a good deal on one that we will get soon. Also we have finished painting in the nursery!!! Yay! We decided to take off the closet doors in there, and have an open closet set up instead. I've got several cute sage colored organizers that we will put in there. The open closet just makes the whole room look bigger which is a good thing when you have a room that's 10x11. Rob has this afternoon off to get his fingerprints done, and he will work on the closet some more. I'm so happy that we are really close to putting the crib together and the changing table so we can really see how the room looks with furniture. I will post pictures of the before and after once we're closer to completion. But trust me it looks like a totally different room from that nasty little circus theme room it was when we bought the house.

Still not 100%

But I am feeling better today. I took some meds and crashed on Friday evening. I made sure to force myself to eat some soup and drink some gatoraide to keep from becoming completely dehydrated. Today I went to help my mom do some housework even though I was exhausted. My mom had a pacemaker put in on Wednesday even though I didn't find out until Thursday. She didn't want my brother and I to know so we wouldn't worry. WTF? I'm still angry about that. How can you hide something like that from your family? She would have been beyond pissed at me if I had done something like that to her. Ughhhhhhh! I'm still going to worry so hiding it didn't stop the worrying. It just makes me worry more because I don't know if there's more she's hiding. I love my mama, and I can't imagine life without her. I need her around for as long as possible. I want so badly to make her a grandma again.

We've started working on the nursery again. We vacuum sealed a bunch of clothes, sheets, and a feather bed that we're not using anymore so we can put it all away in the attic instead of in the nursery. Rob primed the walls while I was at my parents' house, and tomorrow we will take off the baseboards and paint. I'm excited to paint and finally see the room in a nice color instead of the radioactive puke green it's been since we painted back in 2006. We've been putting off painting until we finally had a good prospect of filling that room with a baby. After we finish painting we will steam clean the carpet with the new carpet steamer I ordered last night from QVC. Hey just because I'm sick doesn't mean I will miss out on the anniversary of Easy Pay! Five easy payments with no interest or fees, how much better can you get! It's great to be able to budget for things.

Oh yeah, I also bought a bouncer on my latest trip to Wally World. I've been looking for an inexpensive one, and this one goes so well with the whole turtle duckie theme I've got going for the nursery. And it was on sale for only $19!

My fingerprinting is done. It was cool the way they do then printing without ink now. They print your 4 fingers as a set then your thumbs. And the computer tells them that they all match and came from the same person. Tomorrow I will go through our stuff and pull our birth certificates, social security cards, car registrations, and other items on our checklist to make copies to turn into our home study worker on Tuesday. I'm excited to finally meet them. They are the person that hopefully help us toward our future son or daughter.

So sick

I've been sick since yesterday morning and it's gotten worse and worse as I go on. I won't go into too many details. Just know that I am spending a lot of time in the bathroom, and when I'm not in there for 30+ minutes at a time I feel like I need to be in there. We're completely out of anything that would help me at home and at work. I have no appetite at all and even the smell of food is making me nauseous. I'm counting down my hours until I get off early today and I can go stock up on some pepto or something like that. I have to remember that I have an appointment at 3 to get my fingerprinting done for my foster care background check. And Rob and I have our physicals and TB tests scheduled for Monday morning. I need to call my health insurance to see if they will cover the exams and tests because my doc's office said that they have been getting denied for exams and TB tests for some reason. I will be beyond angry if my company doesn't cover it. They can at least cover that since they don't cover hardly anything that may help me get pregnant!

On a happier note, we got a great deal on a convertible car seat Wednesday night. We got the Evenflo Tribute 5 one for only $49.99.
So we're one step closer to having all the basics covered for a baby to be placed with us. I'm still looking for a good deal on a swing and a bouncer since Dream Mommy suggested that those would be good things to have since a large majority of babies in foster care are on breathing treatments. Well, time for me to make another run from my desk to the bathroom. Please pray for me that I get over this soon.

Not alone

I've found a couple of internet friends in the past few days that are also fostering to adopt. Some of them even have experience with my state and how the system works here. It's great to know we're not alone in this, and that I know someone who has "been there and done that." She's renewed my hopes that we can truly get a baby through this process. Now I can't wait to get these classes done and get our home study out of the way! Check out one the ladies' blogs, Dream Mommy, it's a great one. I've been reading it all weekend from the beginning back in 2005.

Still Mad

Last night Rob and I went out to dinner like we try to do at least once a week. We were supposed to be going to a nice sit down meal at a local seafood restaurant, Cypress Inn, that we love. As soon as we walk in the host tells us that they are completely out of catfish for the day. This was fine we could find something else on the menu. We sit down and the waitress comes over and tells us the same thing. "You can order anything on the menu except catfish." Ok, no problem I order the all you can eat shrimp and Rob orders a fried crawfish and fried crab claws plate. Both meals were supposed to have french fries. About 10-15 minutes after she took our order, she came by to tell me that she changed my order since they were closing at 8 and the chef wouldn't be doing any all you can eat meals. She didn't ask me to change my order. No, she took it upon herself to change my order for me. Maybe I didn't want just a shrimp plate. But she walked away as soon as she said that. Then I notice another 2 groups of people come in and be seated about 20 minutes after they claimed to be closing. One family sits by us and they order catfish. They get catfish. WTF? You tell us you have no catfish, but now all of sudden you have whole catfish. If you had whole catfish the whole time you could have said that. All you had to do was say we don't have any catfish fillets, but we do have whole catfish. I HATE being lied to.

Then she brings our meals and one of them has a baked potato. I'm fuming at this point. I couldn't even speak. I had to have Rob tell her our problems because I probably would have cussed her out. We ate our meal in silence and left as soon as we had our ticket. Robert voiced our problems to the cashier and all she had to say was "I'm sorry. She shouldn't have told you we were closing early since you were here before 8." That's not the only freaking problem. We did find out that the previous owner that I know and is a member of our church sold the place. So now it makes sense. I know I wouldn't have gotten such crappy service if Bob was still the owner. He cared about his customers, and it's obvious that the new owner just cares about the all mighty dollar. So this event marks another restaurant off of our list. I just hate it when local restaurants go down the tubes. But I work too hard for my money to waste it on crappy service.

Anime Fan Girl

Last night Rob and I went to see the movie, Bleach- Memories of Nobody. It's yet another one of my favorite anime brought to the big screen. It came out in 2006 in Japan, and just debuted in US theaters last night. It will only play for 2 showings in 2 days all over the country. I literally screamed when I saw the ads for it a a few weeks ago. I will rearrange my whole schedule to see certain movies. So I skipped drama rehearsal last night. A girl has got to keep her priorities in line.

I am very happy that anime has really taken off in popularity in the US in the past couple of years. Now it's much easier to find the dvds or watch the English translations on TV or find copies of mangas in the bookstore here in little ole Monroe. I can now walk in my local Books a Million and choose from hundreds of manga books. I don't have to buy them online from some other country anymore. I still have to do a lot of my anime shopping online because the selection is amazing, and I'll never find a lot of these things in a brick and mortar store.

Back to the movie. This movie was SO SO SO SOOOOOOO Good. I cried at the end. There was a much better group of movie goers there last night than the group we had to watch the Naruto movie with. I think it helped that most of them we not 13 years old and dropped off by their mommy with their friends. I found this great video that really captures the feel of the movie without the dialog that would lose most people that haven't been keeping up with the series.

Why Am I Here?

I guess it's time to change my little paragraph into my soul that used to be posted on the header of my blog, but has since been moved to the sidebar. Right now it says:

This is a journal about my life after losing the most precious person to me, my daughter, Madison. I was forced to give birth to her 16 weeks before she was due. Our little fighter stayed with us for 10 hours. She got her wings, May 13, 2006. Now a year later I'm ready to explore myself and my life as the mother of an angel. These are my raw emotions, thoughts, fears, and dreams as I try to figure out where do I go from here.

What's changed:

1. It's been 2 years since Madison was born/died.
2. I'm dealing with more raw emotions besides my grief and anger at losing my daughter. I have the bitch called Infertility laughing in my face every month. I'd like to rip her heart out and stomp on it like she does mine every few weeks now for the last 2 years.

I'm still not sure how to summarize me and my life in a nice little nutshell...yep nutshell really is the perfect word to describe my life. What am I? I'm an angel mommy that is still grieving for her children while simultaneously grieving for the dreams that so far out reach while being drugged, poked and prodded in the hopes that she will get pregnant, and bring home a living baby plus working towards becoming a foster/adoptive parent. Holy Run-on sentence, Batman!

Back to the drawing board.

Blogs

I've wondered for a while what makes a good blog? Is it the person's writing style or the person's story? Is it just being able to get a glimpse into someone else's life from their perspective? Why do some people have tons of comments for each and every post they make while others have none? Do people not comment because they feel like they don't "know" the person well enough to comment? I know people are reading my blog, and I read a lot of other people's blogs. I don't care for blogs about famous people even if they are done by that person. If I hear all your business on TV or see you on the cover a tabloid then I don't really care to read more about you. I prefer every day, run of the mill people, people that you might pass on the street or walk by in the grocery store. Those are the interesting stories to me. I read a lot of infertility blogs and blogs about people who have lost babies too. I feel a connection with them. But I still wonder what makes a truly good blog.

Edited June 11, 2008:

I just wanted to make it clear that this post was not to whine, complain, or troll for more comments. It was simply me wondering what other people like to read on a blog. I read a lot of different blogs, and it just got me to thinking about what makes one blog more popular than another. Also I know that I don't comment on every blog I read so I don't expect everyone that reads my blog to leave a comment.

Foster/Adopt

We started the certification classes to foster/adopt through the state last week as many of you already know. But the past few days I've found myself considering adopting an older child. I know right now our state alone as some 5,173 children waiting to be placed in a loving home. These children range from babies to older teenagers. I know that the chance of us getting a keeping a healthy baby is low. So I expanded my search criteria from under 3 to age 10. This increased the number of children I was looking at from 5 to 147. Out of that 147, we found 9 that we would like to find out more information on. There are 2 boys and 7 girls in that set ranging from a 5 year old up to a 9 year old. They all sound like really great kids, and only 1 of them sounds like he may have more problems than we are ready to take on right now. One of them loves cartoons and just spending time with her foster parents. One is an 3rd grade honor roll student that just wants a permanent home to call her own. One loves math and wants to be a doctor when she grows up. We really feel like we can make a difference in some child's life and that they are still young enough for us to do that.

Rob likes to mess with me and tell me that I'm window shopping for kids since I go to the Adopt Us Kids website at least once a week and just look around. I chose to potentially foster/adopt through the state because I didn't want to feel like I was buying someone's kid. I just can't wrap my mind around paying some lawyer or agency $12,000 to $30,000 to get a baby. Do you realize what I can do with that much money? There is no way it truly costs that much to handle an adoption. People are lining their pockets on the backs of other people and their desire to have a child. It just makes me sick to think about it. So while we continue to try to conceive another baby we will continue on this path towards adoption also. And just wait to see what God has planned for us next.

Odd thoughts

Yesterday on my way home from my aunt's funeral, I sat in the passenger seat as Rob drove. I held 2 carnations, one pink and one white, in my hands as I let my mind wander. And I thought about Madison's funeral. I wondered why we only had 1 flower arrangement there, a small spray of pink daisies with a little pink ribbon topped with a little girl cherub. I just remember sitting there looking at that little white casket and wondering why there was only 1 flower arrangement. My hospital room had been full of flowers and plants. Why didn't anyone think to bring those? Why didn't anyone think to get more flowers, maybe some roses or sunflowers or something live. I needed something alive. I didn't feel alive and I damn sure knew my daughter wasn't alive so I needed something to be there that was alive. But I didn't say anything about. I never said anything about it until yesterday. I think I upset Rob asking him about it. I wish that I had been in the right frame of mind to handle her funeral arrangements. But while everything was being arranged I was still in the hospital. I gave the go ahead for the funeral to proceed on the day after I expected to be released from the hospital. I couldn't bear the thought of her being in some cold, dark room all alone anymore. I needed to put her and my heart to rest. I just assumed that people would know that there should be lots of flowers. She's a girl. What little girl doesn't like lots of flowers? Since she didn't get a lot of flowers that day I make sure to always bring her something pretty every time I go visit her. I try to keep her grave pretty. It's all I have now.

Where do I belong?

I've had a couple of different online homes over the past couple of years, and I've left them for any number of reasons. But the most common reason was feeling like I wasn't a part of the group anymore. It seemed like everyone moved on to bigger and better things and I was still here in a rut. I found the C.O. on my 28th birthday, and I've been there ever since. I thought I had finally found a place to stay, a place where I wouldn't get left behind. But it seems like every day I'm being left behind more and more. Every day it seems like someone is getting pregnant. I feel so bad for even saying this because I love those girls so much and I am truly happy for them. But it still hurts. I'm a 2 time loser at this point. Even when I get pregnant again, if I get pregnant again, I won't be able to breathe easy until the kid is at home with me. The whole time I will be freaking out about every twinge, ache, or headache thinking that it's the reaper come to take away me or my baby. I will never have a happy, blissful, routine pregnancy. I won't count down the days until my due date. I will count down the days until 23 weeks and 5 days. Then I will count each day after that until I reach my 3rd trimester. Some stupid people care about getting to the age of viability for a baby. But I could care less about that date. Getting past that date didn't get me anything at all.

Last night was the 1st of the 3 hour classes we will have to take over the next month and a half. We have 7 classes total before we can be certified as foster/adoptive parents. While we are taking the classes the social worker who is assigned to us will do our home study. So by the time we're done with our classes our home study will be done too. And then it's just a matter of time before we're matched with children. I will say that I'm still afraid of the whole foster to adopt process because I know it will rip my heart out to have a baby and then have to let them go if the court says they must be returned. But one of the good things that we learned last night is that we're being certified to be placed with a child that will stay with us if their parent's rights are terminated.

We have a huge stack of papers to fill out over the next couple of weeks. But I expected that, actually I expected even more forms. It was interesting to see the wide range of people that were there last night. There were some couples there that are younger than we are, a middle aged couple that's getting married in a few weeks, several school teachers, and even a single young man that's getting ready to graduate college next week. I'm looking forward to continuing this process, and seeing where it takes us.

More Goodbyes

My aunt Ethel, my mom's sister, passed away last Thursday after a lengthy illness. She's been sick for so long. I know in my heart that it's a blessing that she won't have to suffer any more, but it doesn't make me any less saddened by her passing. I remember when I was little girl she would let me brush her hair. I loved it because it felt just like one of my baby dolls. I used to love being around her all the time until I was about 10. She went crazy around that time. She would talk to herself and scream at the voices she was hearing in her head. I was 10 and I didn't know she was sick. None of us knew that she wasn't just mentally ill. No one found out until years later that she had lupus, and that was what was causing the mental illness. Once she got on medicine she was much better, but never ever the same as she was when I was little girl. She and her son moved in with my grandparents around the time she lost it, and she stayed there until earlier this year. Her siblings, my mom and uncle, took care of her finances and things. When I started to drive it was my responsibility to do her grocery shopping or take her shopping when she could still walk around the store on her own. So about once a month I would go to her and get her grocery list and some cash, and spend an afternoon shopping for her. She liked for me to do the shopping because I would get the brands she wanted instead of just getting the cheapest brand I could find like my mom would do. High school kids are not the best bargain hunters when it comes to groceries.

Even when I stopped shopping for her I would still visit on holidays and sometimes when I was at my parents' house. She always asked my mom about me. She always wanted to know how I was doing like I was her own child. But over the years the lupus took it's toll on her body. She had to use a walker for the last few years, and some days she couldn't even stand. But despite it all she managed to show up at my wedding. She really wanted to see me get married.

Things just got worse and worse after that. This year she got to the point where she couldn't do anything for herself, not walk or even sit up. My mom and uncle had to make the hard decision to put their younger sister in a nursing home earlier this year. In the past few months, she had a stroke and several other problems that left her permanently disabled. I'm not even sure if she would have known who I was near the end, but I regret not going to see her. I should have gone anyway, but now it's too late. I know she knows how much I loved her, and I'm glad that she's out of pain now.

Moving Forward

I went in to see Dr. L today to check my ovaries to make sure they weren't enlarged, and to check for any cysts. I had to do this in order to start another round of clomid. Luckily Rob was able to go with me because that place was crawling with preggos and new babies. I don't feel like I'm alone when he's there with me even though he just sits there with me. Doc checked me out and everything looked good. He was concerned that I never got a definite positive ovulation test on my 2nd cycle of clomid. So he upped my dosage from 50 mg to 100 mg this cycle, and they will do blood work to confirm ovulation. I really hoping and praying that the increase in clomid and the metformin will be the key this cycle. I also got my HSG results back and everything looks good and open and clear. So I'm excited and ready to get started on my meds. Let the games begin!

Another One Bites the Dust

Well, that bitch showed her face today about 10 days early at that. So I guess I have to put this one down as another cycle I didn't ovulate. Wonderful, just freaking wonderful. I'm now waiting for my doctor's office to call me back so I can get some more clomid. I guess now my ovaries have decided to not cooperate with me so I'll just have to make them obey! I am shocked that I'm taking this rather well this cycle. Normally I would be a big pile of tears and anger. This is Cycle # 27 since we started trying again after Madison died. It still seems unreal that it's been this long, and where no further along than when we started. I'm not happy at all, but I'm ready to move on. I need to move on.

Is it 5:00 yet?

Today has been a really, really, really shitty day at work today. Dear Lord, keep me from killing these people!

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother!

FuzzBall

I've been enjoying getting to know my newest furbaby, Sunkist, an 8 week old orange kitten. The first week or so was trying since we were having litter box issues. I had no idea kitten crap smelled so bad or that a 1 pound kitten could make so much crap all day long. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we are through with that. The dogs have been enjoying him and getting pissed off at his endless amounts of energy at the same time. Sunkist is a giant purring machine that loves to cuddle up around your neck and purr loudly in your ear. This is my 1st kitty so I'm still getting used to him, but he's made himself right at home with us and our little zoo!

Finally

I forgot to mention that I finally got my HSG done on Friday. I thought it wasn't going to happen this time either. My doc's office told me that they would fax over my orders to the hospital so all I would have to do is just check in. Well the office didn't have crap from them, and it took almost 2 hours to get them to fax the orders over. So after 2 hours of waiting I finally got in to radiology to have my test done. It didn't hurt at all except the huge speculum up my twat was annoying to say the least. The radiologist said that he had to push through some blockages on both sides to get the dye into my ovaries. But once it was in they filled up the way they should and the dye started to flow out like it should. He said that my left ovary was sluggish compared to my right. And that he would put money on it that the right one will produce the eggs that should get my pregnant hopefully soon. I should have the full report from my doc sometime this week. Now I'm just hoping and praying that this was all my body needed to get in gear.

Tears and Black Hearts

My grandmother's funeral was yesterday. All the days leading up to it and even on the drive to the church it was just going to be another day. I didn't expect anything, but having to put up with my relatives that I don't see that much. I put in my Chris Tomlin cd and just listened to that as I sped down the highway to the funeral because we were running late. I really didn't want to be late. But by the time I got to parking lot of the church I was in tears. It finally hit me that I had allowed my hate and my hurt to hardened my heart towards anyone I felt had disregarded or disrespected my daughter. I've felt for so long that all I had left of Madison was her memory and anyone that didn't at least acknowledge that she had lived and died wasn't worth my time. My grandmother never mentioned anything about her. No I'm sorry, no nothing. So I decided that there was nothing left for me to say to her after that. The last 2 years of her life I saw her 2 times and we lived in the same city. How could I be so stupid? I call myself a Christian, and I've forgiven some people for not reacting the way I thought they should when my baby died. But I held my family to a higher standard than most. How could I deny forgiveness for my grandmother when I want God to forgive me for things everyday? How could I let my hurt blind me? Now it's too late to say I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry.

My Last Grandmother

I'm not even sure how to begin this post. My dad's mom died a few days ago, and her funeral is this Saturday. I'm not upset nor heartbroken over this. I feel bad for my dad and his sisters. I wonder if that makes me a bad person. I was never that close to her even though she's always lived a few miles away my whole life. I was very close to my mom's parents who lived 2 houses down from us. They were a daily part of my life until they passed away in 1992. I miss them dearly. But it makes me smile to know that they are getting to enjoy their great-granddaughter every day in heaven. But my dad's mom, Grandma Lillie Bea, was never around except for holidays and some Sundays at church. She never came to visit us that I remember. Every Mother's Day, the occasional birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas we went to see her. We would spend most of the time watching her old black and white TV that was always tuned to soap operas or some old music program. She usually had a pound cake and a ham in the kitchen. We would eat some cake, and then watch her open her gifts. She would always give us each a card with a couple of buck in it. And then we would go home. That's about it. Even when I was younger I never truly felt like I was her granddaughter. I'd look around her house that was filled with pictures of my cousins, but only 1 of me from when I was 3. There was a picture of my brother that was fairly recent, but not of me. I took tons of pictures while I was growing up so why wasn't I on display like my cousins? It's amazing what you remember years later. I distanced myself from several members of my family after Madison's death. Anyone that didn't call or at least acknowledge her existence and death was written out of my life. I stopped visiting on holidays. I didn't even go by when she started to get really sick. She stayed in the hospital for a long time and we've been expecting her to pass away several times. I pushed past my anger and I did go by on Christmas with my family this past year. That's the last time I saw her alive. Maybe it will hit me at the funeral. Maybe I'll start feeling something then.

I'm still here

I know it's been a long time, well at least a long time for me since I posted. But I'm still alive and I guess well. Robert and I had a very nice day celebrating our daughter's life last Tuesday. We added a new wind chime and flag to her grave. I love the new chime it's much bigger and sound so beautiful when the wind blows. We did another balloon launch like we did for her last birthday. This time there were 24 pink balloon in memory of every month she's been away from us. We went to the movies and had a nice relaxing lunch alone. Then we came home and played a game. It was really a nice day. I'm glad that it was just us so we could really just think of her and be completely laid back and unstressed.

Well, Clomid cycle #2 was a bust. But I kind of figured it would be because my temperatures never truly confirmed ovulation, and the cheap ass ovulation tests I used gave me some very confusing information. So now I'm 6 days into my next cycle, and I have the HSG or dye test scheduled for tomorrow. I'm praying that it will do the trick and we won't have to go on to anything more expensive. Hell the damn dye test isn't covered under my stupid insurance. They only cover drug therapy, artificial insemination, and IVF up to $1,000 a year. Gee thanks IVF is about $10,000 per round. And what's better is that the insurance has a lifetime maximum of $3,000. I hate insurance companies so much sometimes. They just screw you over any chance they get. So this cycle will be natural. I'm taking my soy to hopefully mimic the Clomid and I'll be swilling cough syrup too. It would be wonderful if the HSG just knocked some stuff loose and helped me get pregnant this cycle.

I've been so busy at work the past couple of weeks that when I get home I don't want to do anything except crash on the couch and read smut. Yep it's nice to just zone out and let your brain go into the gutter sometimes :)

T minus 24 hours

and counting until Madison's 2nd birthday/angel day. I took a paxil this morning since I've had a very short fuse for several days, and I'm getting very upset over stupid stuff. Robert and I took off work tomorrow to just spend time together doing things that I know Maddie would have loved to do. First we will visit her grave and put out some flowers and the new wind chime we got her this weekend. We'll go to the drive-thru safari park and have a nice lunch. Then we'll see a movie and have a little cake that night in her honor. We decided that this year we wanted to be alone with her without the distractions of having to entertain people. I still can't believe that it's already been 2 years. 2 whole years or 24 months or 730 days or 17, 520 hours since she became my firstborn, my baby girl, my everything. And 2 years since she went away. I hope that everyday in heaven she spends without me is like the biggest and best birthday party we could have ever given her.

Chameleon girl strikes again!

Well, I've changed my look again. I've been itching to change for a while, but I finally took the plunge yesterday. So I chopped off most of my hair and dyed it a dark, dark red/plum color. It's spiky and wild. It was actually therapeutic to lose the weight off my head. I needed a release since my heart and mind have been so full of hurt and sadness in the past few weeks. I think Maddie would like her mommy's new do. I feel renewed. I'm like a new woman! I am woman, hear me roar!!!!

Drugs are bad...

I can't help, but hear the voice of Mr. Mackey from South Park in my head every time I open my medicine cabinet and get a handful of pills. And yesterday I added another to the regime. My doctor's nurse called me Monday afternoon because the doctor needed to see me this week to talk about my lab work from last week. So yesterday morning I went in to see him. He told me that my blood work shows that my glucose levels have been elevated for some time and also my cholesterol level is higher than normal. So based on that and my family history, he wants me to start meds now instead of playing the wait and see game. He put me on a low dose of Glucophage a.k.a Metformin which is an anti-diabetic medicine. Metformin may contribute to weight loss in some diabetics. However, weight loss does not appear to be one of its primary benefits. But we can hope. I couldn't help by smile a little bit because this is the drug I wanted if I had to take something. I've read so many success stories about people being infertile and getting pregnant on a Clomid/Metformin combo. So I'm really hoping that this is just what my body needs to get me knocked up. I'm not too excited about the possible side effects like headache, muscle pain, weakness, mild nausesa, vomiting, diarrhea, gas, and stomach pain. And those are the mild side effects. But I'll do just about anything to have another baby. I'm just thrilled that this medicine is covered under Wal-mart cheap medicine plan so it cost me a whopping $4 for 30 days!!! So will this be the key that we've been looking for?

More tears

Sometimes I wish I would run out of tears. I wish that my heart would just completely turn to stone so that it would never hurt again. I hate being jealous of my friends, but I can't help it. I hurt for those who are trying to get pregnant and it's taking way too long. But at the same time so many of them have a child at home. And then they get pregnant before me, and they will deliver before me. And I'll still be here in a home with a empty nursery and empty arms. I got a beautiful birth annoucement in the mail today about an hour after yet another negative test. In the same set of mail I got a package from the company that bought the Preeclampsia Foundation Memorial quilt last year. They turned some of the squares into notecards and sold them as a fundraiser for the organization. They sent each person that participated in the making of the quilt a set of the cards. Madison's square was made into a card, and it's beautiful. I will always treasure it, but it just reminds me of my childless existance. I'm starting to lose hope that we will ever be parents again. Every month my body plays with my head. My cycle is late so most people would assume that they are pregnant. But not me. My usual clockwork cycles have been replaced by ambiguity and pain. I'm afraid to go to my doctor because I know that he wants to move on to more aggressive treatments, and we can't afford that. My insurance doesn't cover injections or inseminations or anything like that. The only reason that Clomid has been affordable is because Wal-mart added it to their cheap prescription list this year because my insurance doesn't cover anything. But you can only take Clomid for so long. We can't afford private adoption so we're stuck hoping and praying that one of the girls living at the maternity home that works with the agency we're using chooses adoption and has a mixed baby. Since that's the only thing that puts us anywhere near the top of the waiting list. That's a lot of hoping with no end in sight. I really wish I could just give up sometimes and walk way from it all.

Apprehensive or Just Scared

Last week I went to an orientation for the state foster/adopt program. I listened to all the information and I was lucky that one of the attendees is an adoptive mother through this same program. She's coming back to do it again. It was helpful to hear from someone that's been through it all before. The social worker was nice, and very honest. They are not really an adoption agency, and "perfect" babies are hard to come by. They had lots of older kids and need to be adopted. But that's not really what Rob and I want. I think it would be weird for two 28 year olds to adopt a teenager or even a preteen. We would consider a toddler. But at the same time the thought of packing up all the baby stuff in the nursery and turning it into a kid's bedroom breaks my heart. We have tried for a baby for so long, and we have so much stuff. We could have the room ready for baby in a day. We're got the crib, dresser, and changing table. We've got all the organizers, bath supplies, and a lot of clothes for either a boy or a girl. I feel like I'm giving up on my dreams if we don't have or adopt a baby. The problem with all the children under 3 in LA foster care that are up for adoption now are severely handicapped. They are on feeding tubes, blind, or severely retarded. I wouldn't have had a problem if this was Madison since we would have faced these same things if she had lived, but in my heart I know that I can't go out looking for that type of challenge. We both work full time and raising a child that needs that much care is a full time job. But I would have given it all up for Madison. Rob and I decided that we will continue on and attend the 7 weeks of training classes in order to be certified and have our home study done since it is ultimately our decision on who we adopt. It will take about 3 months for us to be certified, and a lot can change in 3 months.

Insulin Resistance Diet

I've had some people ask me about the diet I'm using to hopefully get my blood sugar levels back where they need to be and to shed this weight. After a lot of research, I decided on the Insulin Resistance Diet. I will say up front that I have not read the book that goes along with the diet. I've gotten most my info online from my CO friends that are doing it because of their PCOS and from the website that is done by the authors of the book. I've also learned a lot from people I've met on SparkPeople, a weight loss, nutrition, and fitness site. This is only day 2 so I'm by no way an expert, but here's a good rundown of the diet that I found online and I've been using.

Basic Philosophy/Strategy: According to the authors, it is not carbohydrates that cause weight gain, but lack of protein and an excess of carbohydrates consumed in one sitting. Therefore, the authors recommended that carbs and protein be consumed in the ratio of 15g:7g. The maximum amount of carbohydrate allowed per meal or snack is 30g, and this must be balanced with at least 14g of protein. This concept is referred to as "linking and balancing" in that all carbs are linked with protein and balanced in this specific ratio.

The authors endorse the low fat hypothesis, so the plan dictates that low fat protein such as poultry, fish and low fat dairy products be used mainly as protein sources. Red meat can only be consumed 2 or 3 times a week. The plan counts beans and milk as proteins.

All vegetables with the exception of corn and potatoes can be eaten freely on the diet. Avocados and olives must be limited however due to their high fat content. Apples, cherries, peaches, plums and grapefruit do not need to be linked and balanced with protein, but are confined to no more than a half cup serving every 2 to 3 hours.

No more than 32g of carbs may be consumed within 2 hours. If one consumes more than this then the excess is stored as fat. This concept is known as the 2 hour fat window. Protein, however can be eaten at any time

Exercise is strongly endorsed

Critical of ketogenic diets, citing patients who have become ill (!!)

4. By the numbers:

Fat:20-30%, Protein: 20-30% Carbohydrate: 40-60%

Fats and Oils: Keep fats to a minimum, include some good fats

High-Carbohydrate Foods :Eat no more than 2 servings at any one time. Eat at least 2 fruits servings daily

High-Protein Foods: Eat at least 8 servings a day. Include 2 to 5 servings of dairy foods

Vegetables: Consume Freely, but eat at least 3 servings a day

5. Method: see no. 3

6. Typical menu:

Bfast:egg on toast, yogurt with cereal, milk with cereal

Lunch: Sandwhich with meat and low fat cheese, grilled chicken salad , beef soup with a potato

Dinner: Lean meat with a potato and vegetables, lentil pilaf with low fat cheese, pasta with meatballs and a green salad

7. Emphasis on: Fat and Protein. Can be difficult to find low fat protein sources if you do not wish to include milk and beans as true protein sources.

8. Unique Features: Resembles a diabetic diet. No foods are banned which makes this plan very livable. Suitable for vegetarians. Treats are recommended up to 2 or 3 times a week. This may lead people down the slippery slop if they "treat" themselves to foods they are actually addicted to such as sugar.

May not work for those who are very sensitive to carbohydrates. Proscribes to the low fat theory, so is more likely to be accepted by the mainstream medical establishment.


9. About the authors

Cheryle R. Hart. M.D. is the founder of the Wellness Workshop, a medical weight-loss clinic in Washington. She was the associate clinical professor of medicine at the Mayo Clinic and the University of Washington Medical School. She specializes in bariatrics. Her clinic address the four main aspects of what she considers to be successful weight management: medical, nutritional, fitness education and emotional support.

Mary Kay Grossman, R.D.

She is the nutritional adviser for the Wellness Workshop. Discovered that she too suffered from Insulin Resistance when she began to formulate menus and plans for her patients. This plan enabled her to finally lose weight seven years after the birth of her child.

I hope this helps!

Day 1

I haven't had much in the way of carbs today. No bread, no potatoes, no flour. Since I wasn't really prepared for a life changing diet I didn't have too much to choose from at home. I cooked my first frittata, which is basically an Italian omelet that's flat not folded, last night. It has eggs, tomatoes, onions, bell peppers, parmesan cheese, a habanero pepper, and some bacon. It turned out really, really good. So I had that for breakfast and since I needed to work through lunch to make up time, I had another slice for lunch. Actually I'm eating it now. I plan on shopping this weekend so that I can have the necessary supplies to have a variety of dishes. I'm not sure what we're having for dinner since we usually eat out on Thursdays. Rob decided to go on the diet with me in about a week. He's got a bunch of leftovers to finish off so we don't just waste food. I'm really trying to give this diet a go, but it was so hard not to just pick up a burger on my way back to the office today.

I started testing my blood glucose today, and it was a lot easier than I expected. It was painless. Now I just need to get my numbers down.

Yet more problems

I was thinking about my sister-in-law and PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) a few days ago, and it got me to researching. I doubted that I had the same problem since I don't think I've ever had a cyst, but I've had a ton of fibroids. I looked at the symptoms or PCOS and saw that I had a few of them. This led me to researching about Insulin Resistance. And I found that I had more than a few of those symptoms. Rob called me a hypochondriac for looking up symptoms for diseases to see if I had it. But how else would you find out?

Well I decided to go see my family doctor, Dr. C, today to get checked out. I've gone to him for about 18 years so he has my most extensive medical history of any of my docs. He checked and guess what? I'm a diabetic. What the hell?! If I didn't already have a enough shit going on in my life. Can't I catch a break sometimes? But I should have known. My parents, and all of my grandparents had the disease. So it was just a matter of time I guess. Dr. C didn't want me to go on medicine right now. He's always been the kind to try to control some things with diet and exercise. So I'll be starting the IR (Insulin Resistant) diet or South Beach diet tomorrow. I haven't decided exactly which one yet, but it's my choice. He gave me a blood sugar meter, and I have to test twice a day. I'll go back to see him in about a month.

All my online buddies keep telling me that I'm one step closer to my BFP now, and I really hope they are right. Dr. C did mention that he will venture to guess this is why I'm having such a hard time getting pregnant. When I got pregnant with Madison I was over 50 pounds lighter than I am now. That just sucks donkey balls. This diet is going to be so hard for me. I love sweets. Just love, love, love them. I love carbs. I think I might chew off my arm in a couple of days without my beloved rice, potatoes, corn, and pasta. What the hell is left if you lose those things? I have to try to look on the bright side, and I'll let you know as soon as I find it. :(

Double Standards

We're going out to lunch today for one of my co-workers birthday. The way we handle birthdays has changed constantly but never consistently since I've been here. My first day here was on my 25th birthday. No one even knew it was my birthday until several weeks later. But at that time the group had a birthday club. The person that had the last birthday would by the cake for the next person's birthday. It worked pretty good, but some people didn't want to participate the next year. So after I bought someone's cake the group decided to end the birthday club 2 weeks before my 26th birthday. Just my luck, no cake for me. The group decided to not celebrate anyone's birthday as a group except for people like our boss and our VP. This lasted for a year even though some people other than the boss and VP got cakes or lunches. I didn't get squat. Really makes you see how important you are to people. My boss bought me a cake this year out of no where, and I was shocked. But that's all I got. Not like other people who get a cake and lunch and gifts. I would think I was being a brat complaining that no one does anything for me on my birthday, but several other people have mentioned the double standards when it comes to birthdays in out group. Well time to go to lunch, I'll try to post later about what's going on with me besides being the red headed step child.

Waiting on my newest furbaby

I paid the deposit on a little orange kitty on Saturday. I'm getting him from an area shelter. His current name is O'range, but that will change when we get him home. He's about 4 weeks old now so he's got a couple more weeks before I can take him home. But that didn't stop me from picking up some food, a brush, shampoo, food dish, and a cute kitty bed for him. I'm so excited!!! Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted a little orange kitty cat. But my parents refused to let us have pets besides fish. So last week I was thinking about a kitty again and just pulled up Petfinder and there he was in a shelter about 30 miles from here. I forgot to save the picture they had of him, and now they've taken his listing down since he's mine. But here's a picture of a kitty that kind of looks like him except my kitty's ears are still closed.

Oh yeah, I'm open to any suggestions on a name for him. DH suggested Hobbes, but I'm not 100% sold on it yet.

Where have I gone?

It's a little over 2 weeks until Madison would have been 2 years old. We should have a rambunctious toddler running around our house. Yet all we have is the noise from a TV, dogs barking, and turtle tank filters running water. I still can't believe that 2 years have passed and we're still childless. I never imagined that at 28, I'd be struggling with infertility. It was so easy to get pregnant with Madison. It only took us 3 months of trying to get her. But now it's been 2 years since she went away, and we've got nothing to show for it but a memory box on a shelf. There's only so much you can do for your child when you're the mother of an angel. You can make sure that people don't forget she was here. You can visit her grave and put out flowers, pinwheels, flags, hearts, balloons. You can make her a website in her memory. You can think about her everyday. But you can't hold her. You can't play with her. You'll never see her eyes or her smile. You'll never hear her call you mommy. You can only dream of the day when you'll get to see her again. We were so close yet so far away.

I'm still trying to decide if I will participate in my local March of Dimes race on the 3rd of May. I've designed a shirt in Madison's memory to wear if I go, but my opinion of the race changes from day to day. I wish that there was a Preeclampsia walk somewhere near us because I would do that in a heartbeat. The Preeclampsia Foundation is near and dear to my heart. I want to help them find a cure for this disease. Madison was premature and for no other reason, but to save my life. I got plenty of medical care from the very beginning. I started taking my prenatal vitamins months before I got pregnant. I didn't smoke or drink. She was born to early because of preeclampsia. I know in my heart if I hadn't gotten that disease at all or at least late in my pregnancy, Madison would be here with us now. So it's natural that I'm more involved with the PE Foundation than March of Dimes. Everyone knows the March of Dimes and everyone gives to them. Yes, they do give some to the PE Foundation, but finding a cure to a disease that touches tens of thousands of women and babies a year costs a lot of money.

I've helped the March of Dimes for years especially after my goddaughter was born 6 weeks early back in 2002. I was so thankful for the advances in medicine that helped save her life, and make her the beautiful little girl she is today. But once Madison was born and died I didn't want anything to do with them. They didn't save her. They pissed me off sending me a survey asking about my prenatal care and my lifestyle since my baby had died about 3 weeks after the fact. I didn't respond so they sent 3 more over the course of a couple of months. I hated seeing the fundraising posters around work with the babies that were no bigger or older than Maddie, but now they are happy and healthy because of the MOD. I was jealous. I still am. It depends on the day how I feel about them.

I'm not sure how I feel about a lot of things anymore.

Still nothing

We haven't heard anything from the attorney about the baby. I haven't called the children's home to inquire about it either. I'm not sure why. I guess I'm afraid to find out why we never heard anything. Maybe I'm afraid to find out that it's not going to happen. I've tried my best not to hold on to the idea of adopting this baby too hard. I'm trying to just step back and let God handle things. I'm leaving him in control. I just wonder if calling and checking on things is taking the control of the situation from God.

The Barren Family

I read all the time the blogs of my friends or posts that my friends make on the CO (Conception-Obsession) message board about all of their siblings, nieces, and nephews having lots of babies and getting pregnant just by looking at each other. And I feel so bad for them. I can't imagine being bombarded with that within your own family day after day. I have lots of cousins that have lots of kids, but since they are so much older than me it doesn't bother me. Rob doesn't have any cousins.

My brother and my husband's siblings have no kids of their own. One of them has PCOS most likely, but she's never come out and said for certain. But she doesn't think they will be able to conceive without medical intervention like IVF. I really hope she gets her miracle all on her own. My brother isn't looking to have kids anytime soon since he's a widower with no plans to remarry in the foreseeable future. Rob's brother is married to an older lady that has her own kids almost our age and most likely won't be having any more. My other sister-in-law doesn't need to have a kid in the situation she's in now, but that story is too long to get into now.

So that leaves us. We're the babies of our families. We've been married almost 3 years, and we're basically stable. So to cut to the chase we're the ones that everyone is looking at to produce the next generation. Damn, I just got this horrible Star Trek image in my head. Back to what I was saying. I do feel blessed to not have a gang of nieces and nephews everywhere I look. I think that would just be adding salt to a wound that is no where near being healed.

I got a chance to daydream yesterday after lunch. The restaurant we went to is right next to a baby boutique. So I stood in the window looking at the designer baby outfits and the gorgeous white bassinet covered in flowing fabrics with a big pink bow. I imagined shopping in there with my mom like we used to do when I was a little girl. I just pray that those won't stay locked in my imagination, someday they will become a reality.

No news

Sometimes no news is good news, but right now no news is just annoying. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much or get too attached to the whole adoption of this baby right now. I'm trying to stay neutral. If it happens then wonderful, but if it doesn't then it wasn't meant to be. I do hope this child finds a loving home even if it's not with us. But I can't put all my eggs in one basket. I can't take another loss. We're going to continue our baby making journey the same as planned. If this cycle is a bust then we will move on to more testing and procedures. Either way we will keep moving on until we become parents again.

I've been watching a show called Baby Lab for the past 2 days. The show is set in St. Louis, MO at the clinic of one of the top IVF specialists in the world. Each episode follows several couples over the course of a year while the attempt to become parents through IVF, in vitro-fertilization. It starts with the injections to stimulate the woman's ovaries and make her ovulate through the egg retrieval and egg transfer. It even shows the lab work when they take a single sperm and inject it into an egg. It's amazing to see the beginnings of life through a microscope. I know several ladies who have done IVF, and I know it's a hard process. But to actually see the process brings it to a new level for me. I pray that we don't have to go to that point because it's a very expensive gamble. But I won't say that I wouldn't do it. We're willing to do what it takes to make our dreams come true again.

Joy

One of my favorite sayings is "God is not dead, nor does He sleep." I encountered that phrase several times while I was in my darkest places after Madison passed away. I encountered it again when my friend, Mesa, lost her daughter. It has always brought me comfort. I know that God is always with us and always listening to our prayers no matter where we are. A lot of people's prayers were answered yesterday. Mesa and Will welcomed their daughter, Emily Ella, into the world. She was born at 5:05 CST and weighed 6 pounds 3 ounces. She is simply beautiful. A beautiful, wonderful blessing to so many people, especially her parents. It renews my hope to see them welcome this child into their lives after losing someone so precious to them. We know their angel, Ella, is a proud big sister now just smiling down on her parents. Congratulations Mesa and Will! You all are living proof that God hears prayers and answers them.

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord answered my prayer and gave him to me. Now, I give him back to the Lord. He will belong to the Lord all his life"
I Samuel 1:27-28