I'm just wondering is it normal for a 2 year old to take 1 1/2 hours to eat a bowl of cereal or take 45 minutes to eat a small muffin and half of a banana? L and her eating drives me crazy. She can't eat a burger as a burger, like picking it up and biting it. Nope, she starts taking it apart and rubbing it. Yep, she rubs everything she eats except for fruit for minutes and minutes. She sits there and caresses the food and then she tears it up. She may or may not eat more than a bite or two if you don't sit there and feed her. But I'm sorry this child is 2 and needs to learn to self feed. The annoying thing is that she feeds herself at daycare, but that's it. With us or anyone else if she's not being fed then she is molesting the food. Then she starts rubbing the fork or or spoon all over her face. I have no clue if this is normal or not. I've never been a around a child that acts like this so I'm not sure. I wonder if she's autistic. The therapist that evaluated her said that it's possible because of some of her odd behaviors, but she suggested that we give her a few months of speech therapy before we have her tested for autism. So I guess we will wait unless something changes.

Hi

We had a visit on Monday with the social worker (even though she was late getting her like so often...bitch was freaking shopping when I called to ask her why she wasn't here at noon like she should be...WTF...moving on!). I had already typed out everything we had observed about his behavior after the visit and everything that had happened. SW thanked me for doing this so she could make sure to have everything documented for his file and show it to her supervisor. I also told her I would mail her the pictures I took as soon as I got them uploaded from my camera and printed out. I'll get them done this week since the SW told us she will be on vacation for the next 2 weeks anyway. I've got her supervisor's numbers if I need something while she's gone. SW was very upset about how this visit went, but she expected it to not go well since she knows that BM shouldn't have unsupervised overnight visits. But what can you do when the judge thinks they know more than anyone in actually involved in this case on a daily base. I told SW that I want to be told about every hearing for this case because I will be there. We have the right to testify and I will. I will go to battle for my son. If I lose, I will know that I fought the good fight.

I'm glad that this weekend is a free weekend. We're planning on grilling today (yum ribs and boudin), and pulling out the baby pool for the kids. Rob wants to shoot fireworks so we will go by the fireworks stand that's walking distance from our house tonight to get some supplies. I know that Fuzzy has been around them before, but L may freak out. We'll have to start small and see how it goes. I'm debating about going to the big fireworks show in the park tonight.

I'm still working on Fuzzy's birthday bash that will be 2 weeks from today. I've got the cake ordered and the paper goods purchased. I'm still kind of iffy on the cake. We're doing a Se*same Street theme, and I found a cake I like. I went to my usual baker to order it and they quoted me $65. I was shocked because it was originally $78 until I lowered the number of servings. This is the cake. The only thing that the baker is doing is the cake and the cupcakes. I'm putting the decorations on it myself since. I just wonder if I can get it from someone cheaper. I know this bakery's quality. They made our wedding cakes, and they were so good people were talking about them for weeks! I've got the invites printed I just need to address them and mail some of the out. Most of them I will hand deliver. I'm going to price renting an E*lmo or Cookie*Monster costume since we have a couple of friends that would be willing to wear them for us. I just want this to be the best 1st birthday party for Fuzzy. This may be our only chance to give him a birthday party so we have to make it good. Well, there's a little hand with a smiling face grabbing my leg so I gotta go. I hope everyone has a wonderful 4th of July!

My weekend

We met BM at 10 AM Saturday to drop Fuzzy off. I cried most of the way there, but pulled it together before anyone but Rob would see me. I got Fuzzy out of his car seat, and he was asleep so when BM grabbed him from me he opened his eyes for a second and went back to sleep. I got back in the car while Rob gave her a small diaper bag that we packed for him. BM says, "You didn't have to do that." Like we were giving her a damn gift or something. Idiot! BM showed up riding with an older lady and at least they had a car seat in the car for him. Fuzzy woke up as Rob was going back to the car and gave him a very confused look when he realized that BM was holding him and Daddy was leaving. It broke my heart to let him go because I knew he was not going to be taken care of the way he should be.

All day Saturday I rearranged furniture and cleaned and cleaned. I had to keep busy to keep my mind from dwelling on him and wondering what was going on with him. Saturday night BM called me to ask if she could keep him until 1PM so she could take him to church. Trying to be nice, I agreed. We got to the meeting point at 1 and my phone rings. It's BM saying that she's going to be late because she doesn't have a ride and Fuzzy is asleep. WTF does Fuzzy being asleep have to do with anything, I don't know. I hung up on her and called the social worker. I left SW a message about what was going on. We decided to head home since it was 102 degrees and we're sitting in a parking lot with a 2 year old that's hungry and it's at least a 40 minute drive from BM's home to where we were. We stopped to get lunch and headed home. By the time we got home BM called and said she was on her way. So we headed back. I know we could have waited at the house a while and then left, but we were too anxious to get Fuzzy back.

BM shows up about an hour after she called in a small white pick-up truck driven by some little wrinkled white man. Whoever the hell he was no one knows? Something told me to have my camera ready when they pulled up. And I was right BM was holding the car seat in her lap with Fuzzy in it unbuckled. If they had been hit or had to make a sudden stop there was nothing there to prevent him from flying through the front windshield! I snapped a picture and jumped out of the car. Fuzzy saw me and started smiling. He practically jumped from her arms to me. His pants were soaking wet. A few words were exchanged but she didn't mention anything about how his visit went. I walked to the car and immediatly took his pants off and changed him. His diaper had started to fall apart it was so heavy with urine. Fuzzy looked like hell. He had these huge bags under his dark, sunken eyes, but he just kept smiling at us. You could tell he was so happy to be home. His hair reeked of smoke. And this is after she was been told time and time again that he has severe allergies and asthma so he doesn't need to be around smoke!

When we got home I checked his bottom to find it raw and red. I took a picture of this too for his social worker. I weighed the diaper to find that it weighed almost a pound! A dry diaper is only a little over an ounce and this diaper weighed a pound! His social worker said to just pack him a small diaper bag because BM should have everything he needed. So we sent him with 2 diapers, a premade bottle, an almost brand new can of formula, his medicines, butt paste, and a bath tub book. That bitch kept the formula and the book and his clothes he had on that day. Good thing I dressed him in play clothes and cheap shoes because I would have beat her ass if she kept some Nik*e or Str*iderite shoes! I'm not even sure if she fed him the formula we sent because the SW said that she saw a big can of formula there when she visited the home the day before the visit. Also from 3PM to 8PM, Fuzzy had 4 seperate poopy diapers that were nasty. This child normally has 1 or 2 a day, not 4 in a 5 hour span.

I spent several hours sitting on the couch holding him so he could sleep. At one point he let out a horrible scream and it took me a a few minutes to get him to stop and look at me. As soon as he saw me he said mama and fell back asleep. Even if Rob was holding him he had to keep me within eyesight or he would cry. He's normally not like that. He's always to independent unless he's sick. I wish I knew what the hell she did to him. I don't know how anyone can think putting him through this stress is good for him. I know it won't get any better because BM is stubborn and doesn't listen to anyone. She wants to do things her way and it doesn't matter that it's hurting Fuzzy.

Preparations

I'm sitting here watching Fuzzy crawl around with one of his blocks happily playing on the floor with his daddy. I just finished feeding him and packing his diaper bag. And in about 2 hours I have to put my son in the lions den aka leave him with his birthmom for an overnight visit. My heart is racing and breaking at the same time, but I'm being strong for him. I don't want Fuzzy to know that I'm upset, and he can usually tell pretty easily. I've planned several cleaning up and rearranging my house projects for today to keep myself busy. I've asked everyone to pray for Fuzzy's safety on this unsupervised visit, so if you're the praying type please pray for him. Thanks

Coming out of hiding

... kind of. I can't believe it's been so long since I blogged. I've been so busy with work and the kids and traveling. There have been some changes in Fuzzy's case plan and not for the better. The judge decided that Fuzzy's BM was not getting enough time to bond with him since the case plan was left as reunification so she ordered him to start overnight visits every other weekend. WTF? This dumb bitch completely ignored the CW and CASA's recommendation that the BM get longer SUPERVISED visits and work from there. Nope, the judge decided to throw an 11 month old into a place he's never been before, without anything that will give him a sense of security, alone with his BM that per the CASA volunteer "thinks that he is like a baby doll not a real human being." So this Saturday, I have to hand over my son to an idiot that will probably do God knows what to him because she doesn't like to follow directions from anyone. I won't know how he's doing until I get him back the next day. She has my cell phone number in case of emergency, but WTF am I supposed to do when she's 50 minutes away from me? I don't understand anyone with a brain thinking this is a good idea. The judge actually decided this after the BM threw a temper tantrum in court because she thought that since they were going to court she was getting him back that day. Even though the CW has talked to her 2 times before telling her that they were recommending that she work her plan for another 6 months. On top of all that, it came out that she has a history of drug abuse and has not been tested to see if she's using now or not! I was literally sick when the CW called me with this news, and I'm getting worse as the day draws near. Fuzzy has been sick for the last week and is very moody and high maintenance right now. I pray that he will be safe with her, but I'm not sure that he will be.

On a happier note, my brother and his girlfriend got married this weekend. It was a lovely small wedding with just family and some close friends. I got to be the photographer, and use my bro's new Ca*non EOS R*ebel T 1i. I'm in love with that bad boy. I can't wait to see the printed pictures. I was the 1st person to take pictures with it :) We took both kids with us to TX, and that was something I don't ever plan to do again. L had a screaming fit for about 10 minutes the 1st night in the hotel out of no where. And Fuzzy refused to sleep more than an hour or so at a time the whole 2nd night. I was exhausted. I'm still tired. For the most part, we all enjoyed the trip. And I'm just thrilled to have Janet as my sister-in-law and her son, Alex, as my nephew. I didn't take too many pictures with my camera since I was using the big daddy camera, but I'll share pictures when I can.

The day after the wedding, Avianna, was dedicated in church. It was nice being there for that, and she looked angelic in her little poofy ivory dress. We were supposed to go to my bro's house afterwards and to celebrate, but I didn't get much celebrating done. We were there about 30 minutes and realized that Rob packed Fuzzy's bottles in the wrong bag. So we had a hungry baby with no formula. I tried to feed him some solid food, but he didn't really want it. So I made the 20+ minute drive back to the hotel alone. I missed a turn and got kind of lost, but I found my way back. I was upset that I had to go back for the bottles and then I got lost and then on top of that my mom called my cell phone complaining about how long I was taking to get back. This is from the woman that made a 5 hour drive an 8+ hour drive because they got lost on the way to TX! Then my bro called me a couple of times because my mom was bothering him about it. And I just lost it. All of the pent up anger and frustration from the last few weeks at work and the issues with Fuzzy just came to a head. And I went off on my mom when I got back to the house. I know I said somethings I shouldn't have, but her nagging just set me off. I was hoping this weekend would be a nice time where I wouldn't feel like I was being berated for one thing or another, but her comments ruined the rest of my day. She's not really talking to me that much right now, and I know I will apologize just because it's my mom. Next time I will just have to avoid her.

I'm currently planning Fuzzy's birthday party which is getting bigger and bigger and bigger. We've decided to have it in the gym at our church since my house is not set up for a party of this size. Also this will allow everyone to get in the air conditioning if they are not on the playground with the kids. I still can't believe that my little man will be 1 in a matter of weeks. Time really has flown by.

I'm in a state of anger, confusion, fear, and just plain pissed off right now. Fuzzy's permanency meeting was supposed to be tomorrow morninng. But at noon today I found out that they moved it to this morning and I fucking missed it. Yep, they fucking moved a meeting that was supposed to have 4 lawyers and several other people in an hour. This is what the CW said on her message she left on my cell phone. She called my damn cell phone while I was at work even though I've told her over and over to call my office during work hours. I don't keep my cell phone on my desk because everyone with a brain calls me at work! So I didn't know that she called me at 8:05 and 8:39 to tell me about a meeting at 9. That bitch will get hers one of these days. I hate her! She has screwed us over too much. Rob is under the impression that the BM and the CW are friends that's why shit like this happens. I know that I do feel like it was done on purpose to keep me from being able to be there and voicing my opinion on the case. It doesn't help that a couple of weeks ago she sat in our living room and told us that they were not going to give the BM extension because there was no reason why she couldn't have worked her plan. But then a week later she was talking about recommending the BM get another 6 months. So guess fucking what....the BM gets another 6 months. Yep, Fuzzy will be a year and half by then. We're all the family he knows, but that doesn't matter to anyone. Just because BM squeezed him out does not make her the best option to raise him. But like I've learned over these months no one cares what kind of life she can give him. They just care that she's BM. And we don't matter because we're just foster parents.

Permanency

This Wednesday is Fuzzy's permanency meeting. I'm getting nervous. This point has always been so far away and now it's looming in front of me. I'm going alone due to work constraints for Rob. I'm not even sure what I'm walking into. I know that the BM will not be there. I know that Fuzzy's lawyer, BM's lawyer, Dad's lawyer, CW, her supervisor, and an adoptions unit worker should be there. But that's about it. I've had some people tell me that it will be just like the family team conferences, but I'm not sure. The CW had said 2 different things to me about the meeting. One day she told me that they were not going to recommend that the BM get any additional time to work her case plan and recommend TPR for a court date in August. But about a week later she said that they will probably recommend for her to get another 6 months. WTF? How can things change in a week? I don't trust them to do things in Fuzzy's best interest even though they claim that they will. She's had a year to work her plan and they've been helping her along the way yet she has been going against them and doing things "her way". I would do anything for Fuzzy so why is it so hard for her to follow directions for him? Why keep giving her chances? Will you let him spend the years and years in foster care just to keep giving her chances to do what she needs to do for him?