My Song

I've blogged about music a couple of times before, but this time is different. I've been perplexed for a couple of months about a song. Everyday no matter what I do I hear the same song at some point during the day. Days when I don't listen to music much, I will get in the car to run a quick errand and this song will come on. This song has a very deep importance to me. It's the song that I heard the night, God took hold of my heart and pulled me away from my destructive path. Many people have no clue of the deep, angry, dark depression I sunk into after Madison died. I did things that to this day make me tear up thinking about. I hated God. He had abandoned me and my daughter when we needed him most. I begged to die. I seriously contemplated taking my own life. I hurt my mother by refusing to listen to anything she said about God and throwing the bible she brought me. I was trying to dull the hurt and anger in any way I could which included a lot of alcohol.

But one late night on my way home from the liquor store, this particular song came on the radio. And it's hard to put into words the exact feeling, but I knew it was God touching my heart. It was so powerful and so real that all I could was cry and ask for forgiveness. I realized that I was one that had left. God had never left me the whole time. I just didn't want to hear his voice.

And now this song is making itself a part of my daily life all of a sudden. A friend told me to pray and ask for God to reveal to his message and to give me the strength to handle whatever storm will come my way. I can't help but wonder if this is all to prepare me for court next week. We will meet the new judge and no one has any clue what could happen with this case. But no matter what I know that I will not fall or have to go through anything alone. God has never left me. He was there when I lost my sister, Sherina. He was there when we lost Madison, and He will be there next week when we walk back into the unknown.

Drug of Choice

I was listening to the radio on the way back to work from lunch today, and caught part of a daily devotion. They were talking about how food is some people's drug of choice just like cocaine or heroin. The words drug of choice rang in my ears over and over. Drug of choice....drug of choice.... I've known for years that food is my drug of choice.

I've fought it for more than half my life. But I always go back to it when I'm depressed, happy, angry, anxious, or bored. And it's always there waiting for me like an addict and their favorite dealer. There is no need for me to hide in the shadows because my drug is an acceptable one in the eyes of society. It's everywhere from my office to church. We all know church is somewhere to find some really good food. Food and fellowship go hand in hand.

I spend so much time planning and trying to always give my kids healthy foods especially Bella. I fear that since she shares my genes that one day she may have to battle her weight. That fear brings tears to my eyes. I don't want her to ever have to be the little girl that's promised a new wardrobe of anything she wants if she will just lose 50 pounds over the summer. I don't want her to give up anything she loves because she's tired of being the fluffy one in the group. I need to beat my addiction so that food never becomes her drug of choice. But how?

This brings me to thinking about what I will give up for Lent. Originally I was considering giving up fast food, but with our busy lives that may be impossible. Fast food is not my problem. It's what I choose when I go there. So instead of giving up fast food, I am giving up fried foods. So starting tomorrow, if it's not grilled, steamed, sauteed, raw, or baked I will not consume it. No McDonald's nuggets (oh how I love them) and no deep fried golden sticks of wondrous french fries.

I'm praying that taking this time to actively focus on removing this from my life and giving this struggle over to God will move me in the right direction overall.

A friend mentioned to me that they add something to their lives instead of giving up something during Lent. I like that idea so I will be adding back my morning prayer time before everyone wakes up and we get wrapped up in the day ahead. Some one on one time with my Father sounds like a good thing.

2011

With about 7 hours left in 2011, I am sitting in my recliner holding one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. My Bella is napping before heading to Nana's house for the night. I'm excited because it's been a few years since Rob and I have gone out for New Year's eve. It's hard to keep a marriage strong if you don't take time to nurture it. I am looking forward to 2012 and the chance to start anew. I've got a lot of big plans on the horizon and with God's help they will come to fruition. We're praying that 2012 will bring a close to Fuzzy's case and allow me to introduce him on here as my son.

So everyone be safe and see you next year!

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Hiding

It's been way too long since I've posted. I really should write more often to just release everything that's going on in my head and in my heart, but I end up burying things away under piles of work. It's easier to hide rather than face things. I spend most of my time away from work doing other things like cleaning, organizing, selling, basically anything that will keep me busy. Busy equals no time to think. I feel like my life is in a constant state of uncertainty. I've let myself go. I don't remember the last time I exercised or even really cared about what I eat. I cringe at the sight of myself in pictures. I need to get things back under control. I need to get myself on a real schedule and stop just flying like a leaf in the wind.

A few years ago I gave up on making resolutions and changed to setting goals for myself for the coming year. I think if I write them out here they will become more real to me. Some of my goals for 2012 are:

1. I will lose 20% of my body weight in 2012.
2. I will take time for me.
3. I will set-up automatic drafts into our vacation and Christmas savings accounts.
4. I will make time for a date at least once a month with my husband.
5. I will walk a mile or do some form of exercise at least 3 times a week.
6. Pay off more debt.
7. Take the kids outside to play more often.
8. Blog more
9. I will read at least 10 grown-up books in 2012.
10. I will participate in a group bible study.

Ok. It's out there, and now I will use my blog to keep track and keep myself motivated. Well, if I don't make it back here this weekend I wish everyone a happy and blessed new year. The best is yet to come!

Halloween 2011

We're alive and well for the most part. We took the kids to our church's Trick R Trunk. Fuzzy had a blast. Bella not so much. We found out that both of her ears are infected. I will hopefully get a change to really blog again soon. :)

Trippen

I'm going on my first business trip ever this week. My department is heading to Denver for a few days. I hope Rob and the kids will make it ok without me. I'm sad to leave my family, but excited to see a new city. Gotta make sure to take my computer so I can veg out on netflix in the evenings after being in meetings all day. Might as well take full advantage of my time away.

Guilt

I've really got to get better about updating my blog. It's not like I don't have anything to say. I have all loads of stuff I want to get off my chest, but I let life take me in other directions. I let my guilt of not being at home with Bella keep me off my computer most days except for Saturday night when I have to do my church overheads. I guess I expected it to get easier to as time went on, but it doesn't.

Friday she fell at daycare and bust her lip on the hard floor. It made me so sad to see her face messed up like that. I just kept thinking that if she had been at home that might not have happened. I still pray all the time that somehow we will come into some money so I can quit my job, and be her sole care provider. I worked so hard to get her here, and I have to drop her off with other people 5 days out of the week. I know that there are pros and cons to daycare, but dammit I don't care. She's my rainbow baby. She's brought joy to my life that I never knew I could have.

Yes, some of you are wondering why I didn't have the joy or the guilt that I have with Bella with Fuzzy. It's hard to admit, but even after 3 years I'm still guarded. He is my son, but that some stupid judge can change that in a matter of minutes. This judge doesn't see me as any more than a long term babysitter. To the courts, his mother is the person that would be proud if he joined a gang, sold drugs, and spent his life locked up. I mean nothing. But when it comes to Bella I am her one and only Mother. There is no one "above" me.

I hate that I feel this way. I am ashamed that I feel this way, but it's hard to remain a starry eyed optimist after all this time. It hasn't been as long as some kids are in the system. But damn everyone sees that this should have been over a long time ago. Our lives should be allowed some sort of normalcy.

Arabella is 1!

Arabella turned 1 last Thursday on September 1. She had a small party at her daycare. Then we took her and her big brother out for frozen yogurt and some time in the park that evening. Bella had her 1st taste of cake that day, and she loved it! We had a 2nd party that Saturday with friends and family. It was a ton of work, but it was worth it in the end. Somethings didn't work out as planned which pissed me off to no end, but I have to put that behind me. We baked and cooked and cooked. I planned and planned and shopped and shopped. I even decorated cookies which is so unlike me. I did what I set out to do which was give my daughter a nice party in celebration of her first year of life.

Next year's party will be something simple that I don't have to do anything but send out invitations and pay for it. LOL!

In the midst of all this partying, Robert and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary with a nice quiet dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. :)