Friday, June 6, 2008

Odd thoughts

Yesterday on my way home from my aunt's funeral, I sat in the passenger seat as Rob drove. I held 2 carnations, one pink and one white, in my hands as I let my mind wander. And I thought about Madison's funeral. I wondered why we only had 1 flower arrangement there, a small spray of pink daisies with a little pink ribbon topped with a little girl cherub. I just remember sitting there looking at that little white casket and wondering why there was only 1 flower arrangement. My hospital room had been full of flowers and plants. Why didn't anyone think to bring those? Why didn't anyone think to get more flowers, maybe some roses or sunflowers or something live. I needed something alive. I didn't feel alive and I damn sure knew my daughter wasn't alive so I needed something to be there that was alive. But I didn't say anything about. I never said anything about it until yesterday. I think I upset Rob asking him about it. I wish that I had been in the right frame of mind to handle her funeral arrangements. But while everything was being arranged I was still in the hospital. I gave the go ahead for the funeral to proceed on the day after I expected to be released from the hospital. I couldn't bear the thought of her being in some cold, dark room all alone anymore. I needed to put her and my heart to rest. I just assumed that people would know that there should be lots of flowers. She's a girl. What little girl doesn't like lots of flowers? Since she didn't get a lot of flowers that day I make sure to always bring her something pretty every time I go visit her. I try to keep her grave pretty. It's all I have now.

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