Saturday, May 23, 2009


I'm exhausted, simply worn out. I'm supposed to be working on my church stuff for tomorrow right now, but I had to take a break. I spent a good chunk of the day shopping for L's birthday tomorrow. Yeah, I'm doing the last minute thing because I just haven't had time to get it done after work this week. I left Rob at home with the kids since it looked like it was going to storm. It was hard to figure out what to get L since the only thing we know she likes is Spongebob, and there is only so much that I want running around my house. She's go several versions of him already and her bed is plastered with his ugly mugshot. I wandered all over several stores for hours. I got her some clothes, a Dora the Explorer play house, a doll stroller and supplies, and a dress up doll with some outfits. I hope she likes her gifts, and maybe she will play with them instead of Fuzzy's teething rings which she seems to always get a hold of somehow, someway. I have a cute personalized iron on transfer that I ordered to make her a shirt for tomorrow. But this afternoon I just confirmed that we have been misspelling her name the whole time we've had her. We just got copies of her birth certificate and social security card. So her shirt is wrong. I guess it's the thought that counts. Ughhhh.

Rob was able to get the cupcakes to the daycare Friday so L was able to celebrate with all her little friends. And he did a good job taking pictures since I couldn't be there and taking pictures is usually my department. We will meet up with L's mom tomorrow so she can spend some time with her too. Hopefully we can do that right after church so that once I'm home I can put on my slippers and lounge pants and chill out with my family.

Lord, please let Monday just be a lazy day without any drama. I need some rest.

Friday, May 22, 2009

It's been a long time since I've posted. I'm not sure where the time has gone. I intended to post again on Madison's angel day, but never got the time. I haven't had much in the way of free time lately. L has had an upper respiratory infection since last week. We took her to the doctor last Tuesday night after work since she kept running a fever 2 afternoons in a row at daycare. They gave her some antibiotics and some decongestants. We fought her 2-3 times a day for a week to saline and suction her nose. Fun times!!! We dropped her at my mom's house on Madison's birthday since she couldn't go to daycare. We needed that day to remain about Maddie and us. And L wasn't feeling too bad anyway. She and my mom had a good time.

I found out that my last grandparent passed away. My dad's dad died. He wasn't close to any of us anyway so it wasn't a crushing blow by any means. He moved clear across the country when my dad was 5, and rarely visited. I had never met him until I was in junior high. I think I've seen him 3 times in my whole life. But it's still sad when I think that I don't have any grandparents left.

My brother, Janet, and Avianna visited last weekend. It was wonderful getting to see her again so soon. She gave me the biggest grin when she saw me! I'm glad that my parents have finally gotten a chance to see and hold their granddaughter after all this time. And I'm excited because I will see her again next month when we go to TX for her baptism. Fuzzy didn't care much for being around Avianna. He was being a jealous little man. He would cry and scream bloody murder anytime I held her or talked to her unless Janet was giving him some attention. My jealous boy!

This week started out pretty good and has gone down hill fast. We had our monthly visit from Fuzzy's CW on Monday. She told us that things were looking towards adoption on their end because of problems with the BM and her not working her case plan. They know that she's just doing some things to make it appear that she's progressing to get Fuzzy back, but she's not making actual progress. She's doing things that are in violation of her plan. So Rob was feeling optimistic while I was being guarded in my optimism. I know I won't feel optimistic until a judge says he's ours.

Tuesday we took 6 hours of training so we're almost done with our training for this year. We will get another 2 hours tonight at the foster parent's appreciation banquet. So I will only need 1 more hour to meet our requirements for the year. During our classes we got a lot of information from the therapist and some other parents that hopefully will help us with L and her communication problems. After talking with the therapist, I've started looking into attachment disorders. L exhibits a lot of the symptoms, and it would explain her issues with me and the quick attachments she gets with strangers.

Thursday, when I walked into the daycare, Melissa, one of the ladies that cares for Fuzzy met me in the door. She told me that a social worker came and took Fuzzy for a visit. They said that they would be gone about 2 1/2 to 3 hours, but they were gone more like 4 hours. She sent him with 4 diapers, a bottle, wipes, and a jar of food. He came back 4 hours later, hungry and wet with 3 diapers left, a quarter of his bottle, and most of the baby food. He was in a bad mood and exhausted the rest of the day. It was difficult to get him to go to sleep. He whined and fussed most of the night which is not like him. It pissed me off because no one told me that they were going to take him for a visit. All I know is that I have a very upset baby to deal with when I get home. I called his worker bright and early this morning, and she acted like nothing odd happened. She said that they supervised the visit. His BM fed him until he didn't want anymore and that he was dry when they left to bring him back. She is so full of shit! I know what happened. The same thing that always happens. His BM expects him to eat when she sees him no matter what time it is. He ate about an hour and a half before his visit so he didn't want any more food. But instead of waiting until he was hungry and trying again they just bring him back to the daycare starving!

On top of all that the CW asks me if we will start supervising Saturday visits so his BM can see him more. WTF? Do you not take enough of my time up anyway, now you want my Saturdays? Just hearing that they want us to spend our weekend babysitting her just made me sick to my stomach. I don't have a good feeling about any of this. How do you go from saying on Monday that things are pointing to TPR and adoption to asking me on Friday for more visitation time for BM? I'm so fucking tired of having no control over my own life. Everyone else in the world gets to tell me what to do. There are people to tell me he's your son, but he's not your son. Bring him here, take him there, let her see him at this date and time. No you can't have 1 day in the week where you can just live your life outside of work because BM needs to see him more. You're the state's slave and we will beat you into submission. We will rip your heart out and stomp on it. But you shouldn't care because it's a job and we pay you so we own you. Don't complain because he's not really yours, but remember love him like he's yours or you're not a good foster parent. I'm not sure how much more of this shit I can take.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


Happy Birthday Princess. Mommy and Daddy love you so much. Sending lots of hugs and kisses all the way up to heaven.

A Birthday In Heaven
© 2005 Written by Kris Smith

I heard you crying yesterday
And felt your heart-sent love
So I’m sending you this message
Now, from Heaven up above.

You’re wondering if I’ll celebrate
My birthday (way up here)
I know you’re missing me today
I feel your essence near.

God planned a special day for me
He told me with a wink
He’d ordered me a special cake
(It’s Angel food, I think)

I’m getting lots of hugs from God
He’s really good at that
And every time that I walk by
He gives my head a pat

Balloons will fill the streets for me
They float up through the clouds
And we have lots of clowns up here
That make us laugh out loud

There is a birthday carousel
Jeweled horses ride the wind
With music playing oh so sweet…
The magic never ends

I’ve made so many friends, you see
We laugh and play and sing
We ride our bikes and play jump rope
And sleep in Angel’s wings

We’ll have our cake and ice cream
And open gifts, surprise!
But we don’t blow out our candles here
Instead, they light the skies

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Life in BooHooville

Nothing new really. L has warmed up to my parents more and spent most of last night playing with my mom without a problem. Things are the same between L and I. I've shut down. I still try to work with her, but I don't really care if it works or not. I'm taking things to heart anymore which may or may not be a good thing. We're having food battles which is typical with a little kid, but it's harder when you have a non-verbal child. I've tried so many different foods and techniques to get her to eat, but most of them have failed. The only thing that she will consistently do is drink juice. I guess I should just be satisfied that at least she eats well at daycare. My mood is starting to have its low points as the days pass and I get closer and closer to Madison's birthday. I try to keep myself from thinking too much about it. When I let my mind wander, I think about what kind of party she would be having and what preparations I would be making now. Then I get an email telling me that the wind chime I bought for her grave has shipped out, and reality sets in and my heart breaks all over again. One of Rob's friends recently had a baby, and all I could do was get angry and cry. I admit that I'm jealous of all the people that get to have a baby as easy as 1-2-3. It hurts to think that it's a real possibility that I will never get to have a happy picture taken of me laying in a hospital bed holding my healthy newborn. Can't I just catch a break once? Will it ever be my turn?

Rob and I both have Madison's birthday off so we will drop the kids at daycare early that morning, and spend the day together. I'm not sure what all we will do that day, but I know it will be nice.

Monday, May 4, 2009


It's been a while since I've actually had a real post so now I'm taking time to get it all typed out. Our trip to Dallas was good. Fuzzy was crankier on the drive than usual, but he's teething. We had a good time loving on Avianna. She's changed so much since we last saw her. She's so pretty, and looks so much like my mom and me it's freaky. We spent 2 nights of our trip in a very nice hotel with a jacuzzi in our room. I puffy heart the jacuzzi. I need to start saving $$ to get one of my own. That thing was so nice after being out and about all day. Little Girl had a wonderful time with the respte family. She loved playing with their 3 year old little girl. She didn't want to leave when we came to pick her up.

I took a ton of pictures on my trip so here's a few of them.

Last week, I did something that I have been trying to avoid since I started driving 13 years ago. On my way back to the office from lunch, I was driving down the little boulevard in front of my office going about 10 mph. When out of no where darts a squirrel. My mind didn't even realize that it was a squirrel running in front of my car until I heard a little thump. My heart sank. I started to cry as I slowly creeped forward. I looked in my rear view and saw the poor little skwerl (as my hubby likes to spell it). I parked so I could see him because I was hoping and praying I had just stunned him. He tried to get up a couple of times and moved a little. The only thing going through my mind was how am I going to get that squirrel in my car to take him to the vet? After a couple of minutes he got up and ran into some near-by bushes. When Rob got off work we came back to look for the little guy, and couldn't find him. So I'm hoping and praying he was just stunned and now he's happily eating pecans somewhere near the building not in the street!

Wednesday, Little Girl had her weekly visit with her mom and little brother. Usually she's upset which is to be expected when I pick her up. But when I got to the daycare she actually came to me and took my hand to go home. I was shocked. But the next day things were right back to normal with me having to drag the crying, sobbing child home with me.

Friday, we had our first home visit from Little Girl's CW, C. We discussed having her evaluated for developmental delays due to her past history and lack of communication. C was shocked that Little Girl is still avoiding me like the plague, but gets overly attached to almost any stranger that talks to her. C mentioned that the judge has ordered that a home study be done on Little Girl's aunt and uncle that live in a neighboring city. This aunt and uncle have worked with the state before as relative placements for another niece that had a child in foster care. I really hope this works out and LG gets to be with her siblings again. I know that's the best for her.

All in all not much has changed between LG and I. She still cries and cries when I come get her from somewhere. She doesn't talk to me and usually avoids me. I'm still trying to work with her, and I'll keep trying. I would hate to have them move her only to be moved again if her relatives can take her.