Thursday, June 5, 2008
Where do I belong?
I've had a couple of different online homes over the past couple of years, and I've left them for any number of reasons. But the most common reason was feeling like I wasn't a part of the group anymore. It seemed like everyone moved on to bigger and better things and I was still here in a rut. I found the C.O. on my 28th birthday, and I've been there ever since. I thought I had finally found a place to stay, a place where I wouldn't get left behind. But it seems like every day I'm being left behind more and more. Every day it seems like someone is getting pregnant. I feel so bad for even saying this because I love those girls so much and I am truly happy for them. But it still hurts. I'm a 2 time loser at this point. Even when I get pregnant again, if I get pregnant again, I won't be able to breathe easy until the kid is at home with me. The whole time I will be freaking out about every twinge, ache, or headache thinking that it's the reaper come to take away me or my baby. I will never have a happy, blissful, routine pregnancy. I won't count down the days until my due date. I will count down the days until 23 weeks and 5 days. Then I will count each day after that until I reach my 3rd trimester. Some stupid people care about getting to the age of viability for a baby. But I could care less about that date. Getting past that date didn't get me anything at all.