Thursday, June 5, 2008

Where do I belong?

I've had a couple of different online homes over the past couple of years, and I've left them for any number of reasons. But the most common reason was feeling like I wasn't a part of the group anymore. It seemed like everyone moved on to bigger and better things and I was still here in a rut. I found the C.O. on my 28th birthday, and I've been there ever since. I thought I had finally found a place to stay, a place where I wouldn't get left behind. But it seems like every day I'm being left behind more and more. Every day it seems like someone is getting pregnant. I feel so bad for even saying this because I love those girls so much and I am truly happy for them. But it still hurts. I'm a 2 time loser at this point. Even when I get pregnant again, if I get pregnant again, I won't be able to breathe easy until the kid is at home with me. The whole time I will be freaking out about every twinge, ache, or headache thinking that it's the reaper come to take away me or my baby. I will never have a happy, blissful, routine pregnancy. I won't count down the days until my due date. I will count down the days until 23 weeks and 5 days. Then I will count each day after that until I reach my 3rd trimester. Some stupid people care about getting to the age of viability for a baby. But I could care less about that date. Getting past that date didn't get me anything at all.


Cyberrblue (Colleen) said...

Oh, hun... lots of love to you. I wish I could help you out and make you feel better but I know, I'm one of those pg people I guess... We still love you!!!

niobe said...

I know what you mean about viability. I don't know how many people have told me "I know a baby born at 26 weeks (when my twins were born) and s/he is doing just fine."

Like that helps me.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry hun. I wish that there was something that I could say or do to ease your pain or just make you feel better.

I've found myself thinking of you alot recently. Thinking of your Madison. I find myself being one of those stupid people counting to "viability" even though I know it won't guarantee anything, especially with the complications we are looking at. I don't know why I do it. Maybe a way to keep my mind busy...

There are so many things I want to say to you, Ashley. I can't find the words to get it down in type. I have known pregnancy loss, and although it hurt, it can never compare (not even slightly) to the pain you have been through. My struggle with infertility, while hard, can never compare to the struggle you have been through with your own.

I'll spend today trying to find the words for the rest of what I'd like to say. I'll email ya.

Peace, Love, and Light,