Friday, November 30, 2007

My week in a Nutshell

This week has been very, very busy and very eventful. Work has been trying to kick my butt and most nights I'm working late to make sure I meet all my deadlines. It's fun doing the work of several people all by yourself. But I'm moving on from that subject that is sure to piss me off.

Rob and I have officially started the adoption process. I've been researching for months, and we had said we would start in January if we didn't get pregnant by then. But we've decided to not wait. I feel that God is leading me to this path in life so why keep avoiding it or putting if off. We all know what happened to Jonah when he tried to hide from God's will for his life. I like sushi, but I have no desire to tackle a whale be it literally or symbolically. The adoption process can be a long one so why add 2 more months to that wait.

We mailed off our letter to the local agency we plan to work with telling them about us and why we want to adopt. At first I thought of not mentioning Madison because I didn't want them to think adoption as a consolation prize for us or that we were trying to replace Maddie. Neither of these are true. We do plan to try to have another baby in the future once my doctor and we feel I'm ready. But we also want to be parents to a baby on earth more than anything and it doesn't matter if that baby comes from my body or not. So right now we're waiting for our survey/application to come back from the agency so we can move on to step 2.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

My fur babies

Since it's almost Thanksgiving and I got off early from work I'm in a good mood today. I was going to talk about my cute little doggies and how good they've been lately. But then Olaf which is Rob's dog started acting a nut and doing his super sonic barking in the house. This is a bark that you can actually feel the vibrations from. It's horrible! You would never expect this from a little short dog that looks like a St. Bernard that's been shrunk. We think he's part Corgie part Rat Terrier part something. But this dog is so hyper and constantly wanting you to love him. He's got a huge ego and isn't afraid to show it.

Then there's my dog, Pakkun. He's a itty bitty little black and white King Charles Spaniel mix that I got from a local rescue a couple of months ago. I named him after a ninja dog from my favorite anime, Naruto. He's just a big baby with a big mouth. He barks at everything and anything that's new. He's my little fuzzy wuzzy. Pakkun has a underbite that keeps from from really having any real jaw strength. And this proved a little challenge for me to find dry food and dog treats that he could eat without any trouble. He was underweight when I got him also so finding a good food he could eat was a high priority. I found him online and saw that the shelter was going to have an adoption day that weekend. So I showed up at PetCo before the shelter even got there, and stood there basically stalking the animals until they brought him in. It was love at first sight.

Rob brought Olaf up to PetCo to meet Pakkun and they hated each other. Pakkun could care less about Olaf, but Olaf was barking, biting, snapping, and basically spazzing out. Olaf had at least a dozen asthma attacks from being overly excited that day. We thought they would get in lots of fights once we got both of them home. But we were lucky they only snapped at each other once. They've been best buddies ever since. Well, time to get to the grocery store so I can start cooking all of my yummies and goodies.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Due Date

I should be taking care of a new born baby right now. Today was the due date for baby #2 that stayed with us for 7 weeks. That whole thing caught me off guard. I was preparing myself for horrible debilitating all day sickness like I had with Madison. And I was getting ready to start going to the perinatologists to start seeing my high risk team. I was preparing for the real work. I didn't think I wouldn't make it out of my 1st trimester. I was naive even after everything that had happened with Maddie. I was so sick for my first 20 weeks with Maddie that every time I went to the doctor I was afraid to have an ultrasound. I was afraid she wasn't going to make it. I lost 20 pounds during that 20 weeks. I went to the hospital 2 times for IV fluids because I couldn't even keep water down. But she was always so strong and made it through it all with no problem. She was even bigger than expected for her gestation.

So when I finally got pregnant again in March I thought the battle wouldn't start until 20 weeks or so. Boy was I wrong. One morning I get up from my desk to go to the bathroom and I found dark red blood. I freaked out. I knew in my heart that I was losing this baby. I just knew it. I'm not a spotter or a bleeder so I knew this wasn't good. My doc saw me about 2 hours later and couldn't find anything on my ultrasound so she sent me to the major ultrasound area to be checked out by a better machine. But I knew it was a waste of time. I knew the end was near. I don't even really remember much of anything about that 2nd ultrasound. I didn't even look. I didn't want to see the empty blackness. I didn't want to see that part of me that was betraying me once again.

Rob brought me home from that appointment in silence. I had already started spiraling out of control. While sitting in the hallway waiting to have my blood work done, I gave him my rings back. I wanted it to all be over. I was a failure. I can't provide him with living children so why would he want to be married to me. I looked at him in the eyes when I gave them back, but I wasn't really looking at him. I was looking through him and only seeing the hate for myself. I got out of the car at home and went immediately to the empty nursery. I grabbed all of the baby clothes and my maternity clothes and tried to set them on fire. I didn't want to see anything that reminded me of my failures. In my mind those things were things that would never be used by my babies. And I sure as hell wasn't going to have someone else using them.

Rob stopped me from torching everything and from probably burning down our house. I was in a rage and I wanted to hurt someone anyone. I needed someone to hurt instead of me. Why was I always the one hurting while others are living a happy perfect life? That was 7 months ago and I still think about that day. I still compare my life today to how my life should be. I look around the living room floor that should be covered in toys. I look in the backseat of my car that should have a car seat in it now. I wake up to the sound of barking dogs at 3 a.m. instead of the sound of my baby crying for me. I listen to others talking about the wonderful things their child is doing, and my heart breaks once more. I wonder if I'll ever be able to raise a child of my own that is either born from my body or born in my heart.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

18 Months

Today 18 months ago the love of my life was born and got her wings. I miss Madison everyday. It's so hard some days to even smile. I'm sitting at my desk trying to work, but she keeps coming to my mind and I start to cry. It doesn't get easier as time passes, you just learn to function better. This is my normal. I miss you so much my little Munchin. I love you! xoxoxo

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Wasted 2 hours

I could have been watching tv or cooking a healthy supper or doing just about anything other than what I did last night. Rob's friend, Lawry, calls him the other day to say he wants to come by and talk to Rob. This is the friend that Rob wants to try to help. He just got married and he's been a pizza delivery boy for what seems like decades. He needs to do this for a job he's getting, and he will bring his trainer too. Rob agreed because Lawry says it will only take about 30 minutes, and he only needed Rob. Fine with me I can cook and just stay in the computer room while they talk. I knew from the moment Robert told me what he said he was trying to sell or rope us into some crap!

So 6:30 PM yesterday rolls around and there's a knock at the door. It's Lawry and his "trainer". I'm in the kitchen pulling out the ingredients to make a tasty panchetta and pasta dish for dinner. Now all of a sudden Lawry won't get his credit unless both of us sit in for the talk. So I'm stuck taking this irritating questionnaire asking me questions about what I want out of life and do I like my job and will I be able to retire when I want or pursue my dreams. The trainer asks us to list our dream cars and how our dream house would look and name all the places we'd love to travel. Only a blind monkey wouldn't see the sales pitch coming. The trainer keeps saying he's not trying to sell us anything he's trying to hire us. Don't we want to help other people obtain their dreams and save money while making lots of money for ourselves?

The trainer starts talking about life insurance. How most people don't have enough. But that section of the pitch ended soon after I explained to him my views on death and life insurance. I don't need to hit the lottery if my husband dies and neither does he if I die. We have enough insurance to pay off the mortgage and our bills. But that's it. I've worked and taken care of myself before Rob and I will continue to do that if something happened to him. I don't need to make half a million dollars on my husband's death. I don't need to sit on my ass for the rest of my life in luxury because someone I love died.

Then he starts on the mortgage section of the pitch and I explain to him that I worked for a major mortgage company for several years, and I have my degree in Finance so I'm not dumb. So don't come at me with more bull. Then he's talking about something called Debt Stacking. Doesn't that just sound lovely. Oh yes I would prefer to move my unsecured debt and make it secured debt. Yes, you may save some money, but everyone won't. Why would I give up my 6% fixed mortgage for an adjustable one or one that's interest rate is double what I already have. I didn't just fall off the turnip truck.

He also kept asking for referrals because that's how you grow your business. He felt the need to tell me that I need to ask people more questions so that they order more stuff from my Avon business. Sorry, but I don't like feeling like I'm in a job interview when someone's selling me something so why the hell would I do that to someone else? Also why would I want to make my living harassing my friends, neighbors, and strangers to listen to a 2 hour sales pitch for life insurance or refinancing or something else I don't even want. No thanks I'll stick with selling Avon.

After almost 2 hours of this bull they finally leave after getting us to agree to meet with them next week. Yeah right! I think I feel a cold coming on...cough...cough.

The moral of the story is always use your caller id and answering machine when friends decide to call you out of no where.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Death Note

Why do people feel the need to tell me about every story they read about someone abusing or worse yet killing their children? They don't understand that it just makes me more pissed off at the world. I struggle for something that people think is trash. It makes me think of a new anime I saw a couple of weeks ago called Death Note. Basically a guy finds a book that tells him any name he writes in the book while thinking of that person, that person will die in a few minutes. You can even choose how they die, but if you don't they will just have a heart attack. I just think of all the people that I would write in that book. All the losers that hurt kids would be in that book. I'd even take the time to come up with creative ways for them to die, nothing nice and simple, oh no I want them to suffer. But the one drawback to the book is that if you use it you can never go to heaven. That's my only problem because I have to be with my Madison again one day. I couldn't give up
the chance to be with her again for anything.

Back OP

Let's see OP stands for a lot of things for me like On Point or On Plan or Off Poison. Our First Place weight loss class is being changed to a weight loss support group for anyone on any plan. So we will see how that goes. But today is Day 1 back to eating healthy like I should. So no more yummy bacon, egg, and cheese croissants for breakfast and pizza or hamburgers for dinner when we don't feel like cooking. Damn! I'm going to miss that. Today I had fat free blackberry yogurt for breakfast, some leftover Jamaican chicken with bulgur pilaf with pine nuts for lunch. I've had about 10 points worth of food, but I'm not counting. I'm tired of counting points for a while, but I've been doing it for so long it happens anyway. Tonight is Rob's night to cook and we're having a weight watchers pizza casserole for supper. I can't wait. It sounds yummy. I hope to exercise tonight too, but we will see how that goes since I've been battling my sinuses all day. I hate weather changes!!!

Saturday, November 3, 2007

My Halloween

The day started by being up all night waiting for Rob's mom to finish my costume. She started on it that evening even though I took her all the stuff about 2 weeks earlier. But we're not even going to get into that. I'm still cranky about that shit. Well, we got home about 6AM and there was no way either of us could make it to work for 8. We took a nap and went into work at 11. I was good, but Rob was a zombie. I grabbed a Monster energy drink just in case my 3rd or 4th wind decided to die. I got home a little after 5 and started to get dressed for Trick R Trunk at 6. This is a community outreach event that our church does every year. Usually we have about 1,000 people come through in the 2 hours we're there. The band usually plays for the event, but this year our leader and soloist was sick. So that didn't happen. 2 of the guitarists played just for fun.

Rob went as a knight in shinning armor equipped with a shield and a war hammer. He looked more a dwarf out of Dungeons and Dragons that any knight I've ever seem. But I love my little dwarf just the same. I was a kunoichi or female ninja anime character. I had a blast and got tons of compliments on my costume. I'll get to dress up like this again next week for Rob's department costume party so I'm excited about that. This was the 1st year I had a totally original costume that I designed myself. After the fun we went by R's parents' house to show them how we turned out, but his mom was dead to the world. I can't blame her. She actually made it to work with no sleep. Then we grabbed some Arby's and we by our neighbor's house. We talked to them for a while and went home to crash. We were both so tired, and I think we're finally back to full energy today. Well here are a couple of pics and a link to the rest if you'd like to see them.

The Update (Long Edition)

Let's see what's been going on in my life since I blogged reguarly. I guess I'll break it down into days.

October 18:

I had a Microsoft Access training class today so I was off work. Thank God! The class ended at 2:30 so I had the rest of the afternoon to chill out. My friend, Kelley, her dad, and I went to see MercyMe in concert. The other acts were Aaron Shust and Monk and Neagle. The concert was amazing. This is my 4th time seeing MercyMe and I think the concerts just get better every time. Kelley's dad, Jim, knows the concert promoter so he was able to get us backstate passes for the pre-concert Meet and Greet. Jim decided that he wanted all the guys to sign his guitar, and I let them sign the booklet to one of their cds. This is the 2nd time we've met the band, but this time I actually had my own camera with me. It was so fun. Here's a picture of me with MercyMe and one with Aaron Shust.

October 19:

Kelley and I met at her apartment in Shreveport and down to Houston, TX to see Casting Crowns. The trip was long, but not too bad since we used Google maps on the way down there. We only got "lost" once and that was because we left the map directions for lunch and got ourselves confused. Neither of us is good with the whole North-South-East-West thing. We got to the concert kind of early and I kept noticing people that looked like they were getting ready for a cosplay. I talked to a couple of them and found out that there was a huge anime/gaming event going on that weekend in the hotel next to the concert arena. I sooooo wanted to go there, but we just didn't have time. I can't wait until next year when Rob and I will get to go to one in Dallas. We might even try for one in Houston too since it's an annual event. But I'll get back to the subject because I can talk about my cosplay plans for a long time.

The concert was wonderful. There were so many times I was moved to tears. And to hear them perform "Praise You in This Storm" was so touching. That song will always remind me of my journey back from the hell of losing Maddie. You could feel the holy spirit in that place. It was just amazing.

October 20:

A friend of ours that lives near Houston came to take us to the Galleria. Phillip brought along a friend of his, Jeremy, and we had a good day. That mall is huge!!! I just hate that I was low on money because they have every store you can imagine all in one place. I so wanted to buy a Coach wallet, but I decided I rather eat that weekend. But Rob promises that we will go there together when we have some extra cash to have fun with next year. I can't wait. We ate at the Cheesecake Factory that day. This was my first time eating there, and I love, love, love it. I had a yummy garlic pasta with shrimp and shitake mushroom dish. Then I managed to eat a huge piece of Kahlua coffee cheesecake. Yummmmm!!!! I will definitely go there again.

That night Kelley and I just chilled out. She watched the LSU football game while I surfed the net in the hotel room. I'm sorry I could care less about college football especially when it's a school I've never been too. But that's just me. We got some take out for dinner. I picked a restaurant called Prince's Hamburgers that had a menu in the hotel room. I had a huge burger with mushrooms, swiss cheese, grilled onions, and avocado with fries and a couple of onion rings. Oink! But damn it was good and I was on vacation so it's ok. The next day we drove back to Shreveport, and it took us about a hour and half less time than the trip there. I was glad to get on the road home because I missed my baby. I was so happy to just be home with my hubby. I don't think I'm going to go on anymore trips without him anymore. There were just so many things I know we would have enjoyed together that I didn't do because no one but me wanted to do them. I don't think it's sad that I don't want to be away from him. The sad thing is when a couple looks forward to being apart.