Thursday, June 26, 2008

I Flunked Again

Another cycle down the drain and more tears shed for an illusive dream. I tried not to get my hopes up this cycle. I kept my mind on other things as long as I could. I actually made it to 11 days after ovulation before I started to wonder if this may be our month. My temperatures were looking so good, but that can be deceiving. I tested at 13 dpo and got my usual results. And it's like my body needed a cue because my temps have dropped steadily since then. So I'm just waiting on aunt flow to show up to officially close this month's chapter. We've been spending a lot of time getting the house together for the home study the past several days, and last night I was organizing the closet. I came across the dress we bought Madison the day we confirmed that we were having a little girl. It's a little white and pink onesie with a pink jumper over it. It meets the girly requirements with ruffles and a little lace. She would have looked so beautiful in it. But she probably would have been too big for it by the time she was full term. She was already a good 15 inches long at almost 24 weeks! I still think about what our lives would be like now with her. I miss her all the time. But I have to accept the fact that the baby things we bought with her in mind will be used by someone else. When does it start to hurt less? When will I be able to type about her without the tears welling up in my eyes and falling on my keyboard?

4 comments:

mithris0 said...

*wraps you in a long, strong hug*

mesa said...

HUGS Ashley I hope you have peace soon love you

niobe said...

I'm so, so sorry. It's so impossibly painful and I sometimes think that people who haven't lost a baby can't possibly understand.

Dream Mommy said...

I'm so sorry. Some of Princess' clothes I couldn't bear put on another child. The others, I imagine the new baby girl is wearing angel's clothes. I go back and forth about how I'd feel seeing another little girl in her clothes. I saw the same outfit she was buried in later at the store and had the urge to buy it. It's wierd the things you want to cling to.