Monday, May 5, 2008
Sometimes I wish I would run out of tears. I wish that my heart would just completely turn to stone so that it would never hurt again. I hate being jealous of my friends, but I can't help it. I hurt for those who are trying to get pregnant and it's taking way too long. But at the same time so many of them have a child at home. And then they get pregnant before me, and they will deliver before me. And I'll still be here in a home with a empty nursery and empty arms. I got a beautiful birth annoucement in the mail today about an hour after yet another negative test. In the same set of mail I got a package from the company that bought the Preeclampsia Foundation Memorial quilt last year. They turned some of the squares into notecards and sold them as a fundraiser for the organization. They sent each person that participated in the making of the quilt a set of the cards. Madison's square was made into a card, and it's beautiful. I will always treasure it, but it just reminds me of my childless existance. I'm starting to lose hope that we will ever be parents again. Every month my body plays with my head. My cycle is late so most people would assume that they are pregnant. But not me. My usual clockwork cycles have been replaced by ambiguity and pain. I'm afraid to go to my doctor because I know that he wants to move on to more aggressive treatments, and we can't afford that. My insurance doesn't cover injections or inseminations or anything like that. The only reason that Clomid has been affordable is because Wal-mart added it to their cheap prescription list this year because my insurance doesn't cover anything. But you can only take Clomid for so long. We can't afford private adoption so we're stuck hoping and praying that one of the girls living at the maternity home that works with the agency we're using chooses adoption and has a mixed baby. Since that's the only thing that puts us anywhere near the top of the waiting list. That's a lot of hoping with no end in sight. I really wish I could just give up sometimes and walk way from it all.