Monday, December 29, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
It's been a busy few days, and I'm exhausted. But we had a nice Christmas with our baby boy. We went to church on Christmas eve, and after that I started cooking my desserts for the next day. Rob and I stayed up until midnight watching "A Christmas Story" marathon, and opened our presents that night. I knew that we wouldn't have the chance to just sit and exchange gifts when Squeak was awake. We both really liked our gifts from each other. I got a cool new laptop stand to lift it up off my legs and increase airflow. Also I got several funny t-shirts and a pull apart zombie. Yep, I got a zombie doll to play with and freak people out with at work! I had already gotten my major Christmas gift a few weeks ago when I got a new digital camera. I upgraded from 7 to 14 megapixels and up to a 5x optical zoom. I puffy heart my new camera.
When we got up Christmas morning, we cooked cinnamon rolls for breakfast before I pulled out the camera and camcorder to document my baby's first Christmas. Squeak had fun playing with all his new toys especially the jeep liberty walker we got him. He was so cute honking the little horn and making it play music while walking backwards. He had a bunch of presents under our tree from us, friends, and CASA, but nothing prepared us for the amount of gifts he got from my family in TX. He had a huge bag full of gifts from my brother and his girlfriend sitting at my parents house.
We were supposed to have lunch with Rob's parents at noon, but they were hella late. They didn't show up until almost 2 pm which effed up my whole day. I was planning on going by my parents house after lunch, but by the time we were done with the in-laws it was almost time for my mom to leave for church. So we had to wait until 7:30 to go see my family. We didn't make it to see any of Rob's grandparents, but we were going to see them this weekend. We had a nice visit with all of the parents, but it was late by the time we finished visiting with my mom. And Rob and I both had to work the day after Christmas. We haven't had much in the way of downtime at all this week. I'm so tired. I need a day of just sleeping to fully recover, but that won't happen any time soon. But I'll stop complaining because I'm thankful to have my little man here with me for Christmas. I hope to have many more Christmases with him.
I hope everyone had a good Christmas, and have a blessed New Year!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
This is our yard sign that I got this weekend. One of my co-worker's daughter painted this for me based on what I wanted. Her daughter is 14, and hasn't had any formal training ever. She's an amazing artist. And I'll be able to say I knew her before she became famous. My card turned out better than I could have imagined. I love it!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Tomorrow we have church and then we've got our band Christmas party. We'll go visit Rob's grandfather in the hospital since he's been moved to a regular room now. And hopefully I will be home with plenty of time to wrap gifts and do laundry tomorrow.
Squeak starts at his new daycare on Monday, and I'm so happy. I've grown to hate his former daycare center. It seemed like everyday they were doing something stupid or didn't have enough people to watch the kids. They were great when we first started there, but then they just started a downward spiral. They were sending home the wrong bottles, putting Squeak in someone else's clothes, breaking all 4 of his pacifier holder clips, letting random strangers come in and pack him up to leave (it just happened to be Rob's mom, but they didn't know her from a stranger off the street), not telling us he was out of diapers for a week, or several other things. I'm very, very ready to leave that place. I've got a good feeling about the new center, and the people that will be caring for my son. Squeak usually gets along with most people so I hope he will make a good, easy transition to his new daycare.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
I have to call Squeak's social worker tomorrow to let her know about his latest injury to himself. He scratched the crap out of his eyelid last night when we put him to bed. He's scratched himself a couple of times before, and it usually happens when he's fighting sleep. But last night I put him in the crib and turned around to get a heavier set of pjs for him. He was already screaming, but he let out a shriek. I turned around to see blood running down his eye. I freaked out. I couldn't tell what he had done to himself. I got a cold damp towel and cleaned his face, but I'm still upset. He's smiling at me the whole time the blood is forming on his eyelid. Rob checked out the scratch, and says it shouldn't be too bad as long as we keep clean and covered in antibiotic ointment. But OMG to see blood running down his face was horrible. Well, the little one is awake now. Gotta go.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
I'm sitting here on the couch still pissed off from work. We found out about 4:30 this afternoon that we will be having mandatory overtime for the next 4 days. I will have to work 16+ hours of overtime and not get paid a damn thang. Because I'm a "salary" not an hourly employee. Yeah right I wish I was salary because then I wouldn't be docked an hour of pay if I worked 39 hours one week instead of 40! I have driven all over my shitty little town looking for a car seat base so that my mother-in-law can pick Squeak up tomorrow and Friday since Rob and I will not get off before the daycare closes. Battling 4 stores in the freezing weather with a baby didn't do anything to help my mood. So we finally made it home, and Rob had to take our spare car seat to his parent's house to install in his mom's car. It's been almost 2 hours and he's still not back. I know his dad is holding him up. That man can talk the paint off a wall. And I'm stuck here with an unhappy baby that refuses to stay asleep. Yippee! Now I'm looking forward to working my ass off even more.
Monday, December 8, 2008
We also had our monthly visit with his social worker today. She actually showed up kind of on time. She was only 15 minutes late this time instead of 45 like the last visit. We talked about the latest issues with the BM, and talked about why she thinks the mom sent us a note and the hand sanitizer. We will have our first family team meeting next month. I'm not really looking forward to it, but I am looking forward to finding out how the mom is doing on her case plan. I'll also get to meet everyone that's involved with the case which could possibly be helpful.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Squeak has been growing and growing so much. He's getting much better with his tummy time and spends most of it moving around and trying to turn himself over. He's been enjoying the exersaucer too. It's been so wonderful and amazing watching him grow over the past 3 months. I love that little boy so much.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
I should have known that it would start at some time. I've read and talked to enough foster parents to know that everyone has problems with a birth parent at some point, but I was hoping it wouldn't be that way for us. But no such luck. I found a note in Squeak's baby bag tucked into a diaper. This wasn't even one of his diapers and it was wrapped up in his extra clothes that I send to daycare just in case he needs to change. The note stated that BM had some concerns after her 10/25 visit. Then she proceeds to list things that we need to do like send more bottles and diapers with him, dress him warmer, send a coat, and put a full skull cap on him. Then it says that she knows that it's hard, but we need to do better next time. What the fuck?! Did that teenage bitch just try to tell me what I need to do? Yep, she thinks that I need instructions from her. I was beyond pissed when I found that Tuesday morning. I'm not even sure when it was put in his bag because 10/25 was a Saturday, and we don't do visits on Saturdays. Plus I always send him with a coat or long sleeves and a blanket if it's not extremely cold. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I've never been a person to take being talked down to lightly.
I called the social worker to let her know about this note, and she said that she will talk to her about why this is not acceptable. She was not aware that the BM had slipped a note in the bag. The SW actually sounded upset by the letter which shocked me. She said for us to not worry about it and give her the original. I'll make a copy of it for our records and give her the original to put in the file. I also learned that this isn't the 1st time the BM has complained about us. She complains about his shoes because he's not wearing Nike or K-swiss. I put him in Bobux or Robeez just to keep his socks on and to keep his feet warmer. But they aren't good enough for her hoodrat ass. She bitches because she's only seen us once at a visit even though the worker keeps telling her that we both work fulltime and don't have time to come to the weekly visits. I don't see why the hell she needs to see us, she's not visiting us. My friend thinks that the reason she wants us to come to the visits is to start something with us to make us look bad.
Today Squeak had his weekly visit and came back with more stuff from his mom or at least I assume it's from her. There wasn't a note saying who it was from since he's gotten stuff from his former babysitter and foster parents. There was a pack of footed pjs, some socks, a baby activity mat, and some damn hand sanitizer. The first thing that comes to mind is why the hell would you give a baby a big bottle of hand sanitizer. It's freaking poisonous! The 2nd thing that comes mind is I think she may be incenuating that she thinks we're not clean. Oh yes, I gave the baby ear infections. I gave him the thrush that he came to our house with. Yep, it's all me, nasty, dirty me. Stupid bitch! I'm not even going to spend the time on the phone with the social worker tomorrow about the sanitizer. I'll just wait until she comes Monday to do her monthly visit.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
I stayed up late on Thanksgiving night to catch some of the Black Friday deals that started at 1 AM, and then I spent several hours shopping online that Friday too. I've scratched 5 people off my list so far without stepping foot into a single store or standing in one line. I love the internet! The rest of the weekend was us being lazy and staying in our pjs most of the day. It was nice just to relax.
Sunday we were supposed to take pictures for our Christmas cards, but that didn't happen. We were supposed to do this 2 weeks ago, but about 1 hour before our appointment Squeak's butt exploded everywhere. I didn't think that was a good time for pictures. So I rescheduled that appointment last week with JcPenny's for portraits. But they called early that morning to tell me that their camera was broken and that they would call and reschedule. (Yeah and to this day I haven't heard back from them.) I was determined to get these pictures done so I scheduled with Sears at 4 that afternoon. We got there a little before 4 to find that place packed. They only have 2 rooms and 2 photographers. And after waiting for almost an hour I find out that they have schedule multiple people for 4 o'clock. Squeak was falling asleep at this point despite having had a nap an hour earlier. So we left. I was pissed! I am sick and feaking tired of people scheduling "appointments" that mean nothing at all. I have since scheduled an appointment for this Saturday at 10 when Olan Mills opens. Hopefully we will be the 1st customers for the day, and can finally get our pictures done without a hassle.
Squeak is doing much better now after finally being diagnosed with something besides a cold. He has ear infections in both ears on top of his congestion. So we're a little bit over halfway done with his 10 days of antibiotics. Also he's gotten a much stronger decongestant that will hopefully clean him up. After we get him dried up we will have him tested for allergies. I hope he's not allergic to the dogs. As much as I dislike Rob's dog, I certainly don't want to lose mine.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
It's odd, but I have no idea what I want for myself for Christmas. My mom asked me what I wanted Saturday, and I had no clue. I haven't even really thought about things for myself which is odd because I usually have a couple of things floating around in my head that I want each year. I do have one thing that I really want for Christmas, but you can't buy that only God can bless me with another baby. We're still trying on our end, hoping for another Christmas miracle.
I've been looking around trying to figure out what we can get Squeaky, but that's about it. I haven't given much thought to myself or anyone else. I know that I'm not spending a bunch of money on him since he will only be 5 months old then, but I still want to get him something fun. I want his first Christmas to be special. He's finally at the playing and grabbing stage so that helps a little bit. I'm hoping he will be sitting up better by then too, but if not we've got our trusty bumbo seat.
Since I'm almost completely done with my grocery shopping for Thanksgiving I can turn my attention to my Christmas shopping list. I will be giving all of grandparents and great-grandparents a nice framed picture of us that we're planning on taking this weekend. But with the economy being so shitty and no one knowing what their finances will look like from day to day I will be scaling back on my spending this year. I'll be hitting sales even harder than I usually do. I'm hoping and praying that our company will be giving us bonuses again this year because that really helps with the gift buying.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Today my parents have been happily married for 40 years. I hope that Robert and I will be together that long. My parents (mainly my mom) didn't want a big fuss made for this anniversary since it's not the 50th. But to me it's amazing to be married 40 years too, and should be celebrated so I'll take them out to dinner tonight.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
I'm completely exhausted right now. Last weekend we packed up the car, and went to Dallas for my brother and his girlfriend, Janet's baby shower. The trip there wasn't that bad. We left town about 9 and got there about 3. Squeak did really well in the car, thank God! He slept most of the way except when we stopped and wake, feed, and change him. The shower started at 6 that evening so we didn't get any rest after being on the road all day. We had fun, and it was a great shower, but we were ready for it to be over a long time before it ended. I was dreaming about getting the bed and going to sleep, but we couldn't since we were staying with my brother instead of in a hotel. I will probably never make that mistake again because there was no way to get Squeak to sleep with a party in the next room. So he took a couple of cat naps through out the party, but he was still up after midnight when the party finally died off. It took me over an hour to calm him down and get him to sleep only for him to wake up a couple of hours later. He was even worse the next night.
That Sunday afternoon we all went to the new Babies R Us, and had fun shopping. This was my first opportunity to go to one, and I was in love. The selection of baby stuff was amazing. I could actually touch and feel things that I can only find online usually since we don't have a real baby store in our hometown. I finally found a rug to complete the nursery, and it was on sale for $50 from it's original price of $100! Janet and my bro bought Squeak a cool portable and adjustable space saver highchair and several outfits to wear this winter. Then we chilled out that night eating wings and watching the Cowboys play. Janet and I went through and tried to organize all the tons of gifts she's gotten from her 2 baby showers. Squeak kept me up most of the night with coughing fits and just not wanting to sleep. I finally got him to sleep for a couple of hours swaddled in his car seat sitting next to our bed.
The trip back home was good too. S had gotten a new toy that hangs from his car seat handle with a couple of squeaky fish, a big bright smiling sun that makes a crinkling noise, and a whale shaped teething ring. He loves that toy. He will play with it and play with it. It kept him happy most of the time that he was awake while we were on the road. I had been battling a sinus infection the week before we left, and I thought it was mostly gone. But Sunday morning I woke up in excruciating pain. It felt like someone was driving ice picks into various points in my head. My neck was killing me too. By the time we got home I was worn out from dealing with that for 2 days. I took some more medicine, and within an hour I was throwing up and dealing with some other issues that I'll leave out. I stayed that way for the next 2 days. My body ached and ached. I could barely hold my baby. It took until Friday for me to be able to eat food besides soup and clear liquids. I went back to work the day after all of this started and felt horrible the whole day, but the amount of paid time off I have left is very low. Everyone I work with avoided me, and I can't blame them. I looked like something the cat coughed up. I finally feel better and my sinus pressure and drainage is mostly gone thank God. I hate getting older. I used to pop back from illnesses a lot faster and easier. :(
I still hope to get some good sleep the next couple of days before Thanksgiving. My brother, his girlfriend, and her son will be coming for Thanksgiving so I have to cook stuff for that dinner plus make dishes for the Thanksgiving lunch with my in-laws at my house. And then there's Black Friday. I've only skipped the madness 1 year in the last 15+ years that I've been partaking in this insanity. I'm praying that I can keep myself out of the physical stores for the most part or at least avoid the huge stores and the mall. Hopefully the internet and QVC will be my friend, and I can shop from the comfort of my couch. ***Keeping fingers and toes crossed***
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I still can't believe it's been 2 1/2 years since my daughter was born and died all in the same day. It seems like yesterday when I was pregnant with her, yet it seems like forever since I've seen her. Her little face used to be so fresh in my memory, but now she's like a dream. I used to wonder, more like hope, the whole thing was one huge bad dream. I wanted to be like a soap opera star and wake up after what seems like years and years with nothing wrong. I would wake up still pregnant with my little princess, and my world would be whole. I still fantasize about how different my life would be now. Thinking about this brings me back to when I was in 7th grade our literature teacher had us read The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton, and also we had to memorize the poem that Ponyboy recites in it. I've never forgotten that poem by Robert Frost, but I never truly understood it until Madison became my angel.
-- Robert Frost
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
We've been in a never ending battle to find the right formula for Squeaky. He started out on E*nfamil Lipil with Iron, but he was being changed to the Soy formula when he got moved to us. His doctor was changing him to soy because of gas and fussiness. Once he was completely on the soy it was fine for a few days, but then the constipation started. We tried everything and the only thing that really worked was giving him about 4 ounces a day of full strength pear juice under doctors orders or a suppository. This is not the route I want for my baby. I want him normal and not dependent on juice or other things to have a BM. So I changed his formula to the Gentle*ease after talking with some other parents. He did pretty good on it and became regular again, but he was spitting up a lot. He would go through 3 outfits and countless bibs everyday from the spitting up alone. So I talked to the nurse at the health unit about it, and she suggested Lacto*free. She gave me about 4 days worth of samples, and he's been doing great! He does still spit up up, but that's to be expected. But it's no where near the amount he was doing. So I think we have a winner in the formula war.
Now on to my other battle. S has been congested since we got him in September. We tried all of the home things we could do for him like cold mist vaporizer and a wedge under his mattress so he would at an incline. We suction that child's nose constantly, but nothing got rid of the congestion. We finally got his medical records moved and got him into a new doctor that diagnose him with a severe case of thrush that was in his lungs causing the congestion. We treated that, but the congestion never went away. About 2 weeks later his fever spiked to 103 one night out of no where, and we were able to get it down but he kept a fever for 2 days. Rob took him in to the doctor, and they said he had a cold. She gave Rob a list of things we could do for him and a list of over the counter meds we could give him. **Red flag #1 on this doctor's office: All of the meds on the sheet have been pulled from the market a while ago.** I was able to get him some Little No*ses decongestant spray, and that helped for a couple of days. But he still wasn't getting any better. Then last week he started getting worse. His cough was horrible and he would wake himself at night because he was drowning in mucus. His appetite dropped significantly. We were so worried about him. So we both took off early Friday to take him to the doctor again because I was afraid he had RSV or somethings more than a cold.This visit we were actually going to see the doctor and not the nurse practitioner. We've never seen his doctor at all. In he walks and tell us that S has a cold or "Louisiana Sniffles". He didn't even look at him before making a diagnoses. ***Giantic Red Flag on Fire*** This quack proceeds to tell us that he sees this all the time and it's from the pollen, mold, and roach poop. WTF? Are you saying that I have roaches in my house or my daycare has roaches? He then tells me to put the baby on the table so he can look at him.
He listens to S's chest for a second while he's being a rude pompous ass to Rob. He has the stethoscope in his ears while Rob is talking to him. The doctor looks at me and tells me that "If he's talking to me tell him I can't hear him with these in my ears." The quack then says that the baby is just fine keep giving him nose drops and suctioning him. It took everything I had not to rip his fucking throat out. You could hear the arrogance in his voice. How are you going to tell us about LA weather and how it makes you sick? We were both born and raised here, but listening to his thick accent you could tell he wasn't. How dare you talk down to us or any of your patients? Is this how you treat all of your patients or just the ones that use Medi*caid? I told him that since he wasn't going to do his job and help this baby then I was going to take him to the hospital to get some help. He then asks me do I want a referral to see another doctor in the hospital clinic to get a 2nd opinion. I said yes and he left the room without another word. I should have knocked him on his ass.
We left and took S to the other clinic. They were much better and listened to us. They prescribed him an antihistamine and decongestant syrup. And S has been doing so much better. What was so fucking hard about listening to us and giving this child the medicine that he needs? No one should have to suffer just because they don't have state insurance. How can anyone that calls them self a pediatrician let a child suffer needlessly? I will be sending a compliant letter about this. I'm still fuming about that whole situation.
Well, we're getting ready for our first road trip with a baby. I've been making my lists in hopes of making this a nice trip. We're leaving Saturday morning for Dallas to go to my brother and his girlfriend, Janet's baby shower. I'm excited because this will be the 1st time they've met S. We'll be staying at their house this weekend, and we'll even get a night to ourselves to go out. Janet wants to get in some practice with a little baby again since it's been a while for her. Her only other child, Alex, is 15. So S will serve as a nice refresher course for the both of them. I'm so excited to be an Aunt soon. I can't wait to meet her!
I know I promised some Halloween pictures but I forgot to take some that didn't show his face. But if I know you just email me, and I'll send them to you. S went as my little chili pepper. Too cute! But I do have some pictures from this weekend that I can share on here, and I promise to post more often too.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Well, the witch, bitch, evil aunt flow showed up today. I'm not even stressing about it this time because we really didn't try. It was too much work to even really track my cycle like I should, and there is no way I'm taking any clomid for a while. I don't need raging anger on top of being tired as hell. I do plan to ease my way back into the conception game starting this cycle. I will go back to taking my temps since I'm getting up a regular time every day now, and that will help me verify that I've ovulated. But I think I have been ovulating the past couple of cycles on my own which is wonderful!
Tonight we will take the little man to our church for Trick R Trunk dressed as a chili pepper. Mama loves peppers! Then we will be lazy and have some food from our favorite Chinese restaurant delivered while we sit on the couch and watch the Ghost*hunters marathon on Sci*Fi. I love that show. There's not really much else you can do for a 3 month old for Halloween, but next year will be a lot more fun for him. I'll post some pictures as soon as I get a chance.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
We should be having our 1st home visit this Thursday since S was placed with us in September. So I've been working through lunch and after work to make up the time I will be away from the office for this visit. His worker should come by our house that morning and then take him for his weekly parental visit. She will drop him back at the daycare when his visit is over. I'm not sure what to expect from this visit, but I've been cleaning the house and trying to make sure I have things in order when she gets here. It's hard to keep the house neat and clean when you work all day and have a small baby. The laundry piles up, things get dropped here and there, and dishes don't get washed everyday just so we can spend as much time with S when we're at home. S's favorite babysitters are keeping him tomorrow evening so I will be cleaning house during that free time.
Rob and I skipped our 10 year class reunion this past weekend. I've had several friends email me that they missed me being there, but neither of us wanted to spend $70 for a thrown together reunion. It never seemed really organized to me. They actually organized the whole thing over freaking M*yspace...WTF? We're how freaking old? Maybe we'll go to the 20th reunion. LOL!
Well, I better get to bed because morning comes very, very quickly.
Monday, October 20, 2008
We've been spending the past week trying to figure out who we're going to get to replace our patio door and do some roof repairs. I just hated to pay some huge chain an outrageous install fee for a freaking patio door. I don't think that the install should cost almost double the price of the door! But we've got a contractor lined up to come next Monday to change our broken sliding door into a beautiful french door! I'm so excited! He's got great references and has been in business for himself for almost 25 years so I feel that he will do a good job for us.
Our 1st home visit with S's case worker is next Monday also. I hope that goes well. Rob called her today to find out what we needed to do to get permission to take him with us in November to my brother and his girlfriend's baby shower in Dallas. She says it's not a problem especially since we've given her almost 4 weeks advance notice. She also says no one ever gives her that much notice, but I just wanted to be on the safe side. I'm looking forward to the trip, and I started today buying baby gifts for my new niece.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. So all across the country and even the world people will be remembering our tiniest angels. I woke up this morning after taking care of a sick baby last night and thought about my little princess and my other little sweet pea that left too soon. I always try not to cry when I think about them, but it's hard not too. I miss them both so much. But today I want to think of all the good things that I remember.
I remember getting the best gift on Christmas morning 2005 when I saw the words "Pregnant" on that test stick. I ran and woke Rob up at 5 in the morning screaming and crying tears of joy. I remember the 1st time we saw Maddie's little beating heart. And the day when confirmed that we were having a little girl. She was full of attitude already. She kept turning her back on the ultrasound tech that was trying to confirm the sex. I remember one night when I was home alone a song I like came on. I got up and started doing the electric slide and she just jumped and kicked and moved in my tummy. I read to her almost every night, and I could feel her calm down and probably go to sleep. I remember when she kicked Rob in the ear when he got too close to my stomach. Yep, we had a feisty daughter. Madison had light brown ringlet curls and long, long legs. She was going to be tall like her mama and uncle. I can't wait to see her again and hold her again. She will never be forgotten nor replaced in our hearts. Mama loves you, Madison Sherina Renee!
Here are a couple of things that I've collected over the past 2 years from other angel mamas. One is a beautiful poem that I really love. The other is a wonderfully touching song "Homesick Angel" by Cadillac Sky that brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it. Make sure to listen to the words. It's beautiful.
These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints,
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Did you think you were immune to this
Did you think you could escape without infection
You do all you’re able to resist
Just to avoid the danger of rejection
Memory warns you of the past
When it all went wrong
When you think your life is shattered
And there’s no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You’re alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart
Everybody has a wall to climb
That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive
Every smile that they would hide behind
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface
Sometimes it’s hard to understand
How we’re trapped inside
When you think your life is shattered
And there’s no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You’re alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart
Sunday, October 5, 2008
*I started this post a couple of days ago and just never finished it.
I have a baby at home with me right now that needs me, but I still can't help the fact that I'm still not fulfilled. I need to get pregnant again and we both need to make it this time. I think in my heart I will always fill incomplete until I conquer my body. I guess that sounds weird to be at war with your own body, but I am. My body is what betrayed me 2 years ago. A part of me wants to show the world and mainly my evil, evil godmother that I am not a fat failure. I don't have to be 150 pounds to have a healthy baby. I can still hear her voice in the back of my head saying that if I wasn't so fat this wouldn't have happened. It's like the classroom scene from A Christmas Story where Ralphie's teacher dressed as an evil witch and his mom dressed as a jester are taunting him over and over "You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out!" and laughing in his face about the one thing in the world he wants more than anything. I've tried for years to silence the voice in the back of my head. I haven't spoken to my godmother since that day in the hospital. But yet her voice is still there mocking my loss, mocking me, taunting me. I will prove that witch wrong one day... I will give birth to my little earth angel.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
We also have to go back to the WIC office to get his formula vouchers re-issued. Even after getting a copy of the form that his doctor filled out changing his formula to a soy formula they still had him in the system for the regular E*nfamil lipil with iron. I didn't notice the error before I left because I was too busy trying to get the hell out of there once they called my name. So we will run by there before his doctor's visit since they're about a mile away. Pray for me that this visit is quick and painless as possible.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
I also got a call from one of the CASA workers (Court Appointed Special Advocates) this evening. She's in charge of talking to the foster parents and getting a Christmas list from them for the kids. Each of the volunteers is assigned a child, and they always like shopping for the little ones. I wasn't expecting this call so I had no idea what to ask for besides a floor activity mat and any age appropriate toys they can come up with. She got all of R's sizes, and asked me what would be a dream gift I would like for him. I said that he would love to have a swing that goes side to side instead of the back and forth like our swing does. He's usually in the side to side swing at day care when I pick him up, but he rarely likes to swing in our normal back and forth swing. I think it's wonderful that there are people out there looking out for him and the other foster kids to make sure that they will have a merry Christmas with lots of gifts. I'm looking forward to Christmas this year since things will be totally different now that he's with us.
I notice that a lot of the women there are wearing designer clothes, pushing huge expensive travel systems, and carrying designer diaper bags. I listen to several conversations that range from a couple of women mentioning that this is kid # 4, 5, or 6. One talked about how her other 3 kids are with her mom now, and she was mad that the state lowered her food stamps to only $600 a month now that the kids are gone. WTF?! One woman that looked very strung out talked about hoping to keep this baby since "they took the other 3". There were a couple of guys there with their baby mamas, and I couldn't help but wonder why they weren't at work? No one talked about work or needing to get to work they only talked about material things and how much $$ they get from the state from this program or that program, and I wonder if any of them hold jobs?
I couldn't help but get angry that these people can lay on their backs all day, pop babies out left and right, and I have to take care of them. I have to budget and shop sales, but they can live high on the hog! After telling my co-worker about my "appointment" she asked "what are we doing wrong that we have to work and work for what we get while others just get hand outs?" And my reply was the problem is that We Work! If we were sorry enough not to work when we could we could get hand outs too.
This "appointment" was finally started with a class on eating fruits and veggies that I had to sit through. I've known since I was a little kid that you have to eat fruits and veggies! But obviously some people don't know that. After the class they started to hand out the vouchers. But instead of fucking going by the sign-in sheet they just printed out all of the vouchers and started randomly calling names. People who came in 20-30 minutes after me got their stuff first. Why the fuck did you have me sign-in and put what time I got here if that wasn't going to be used for a damn thing! I understand that you're used to working with people that have nothing else to do all day, but sit and wait, but some of us work for a freaking living! Thank God I was called pretty quickly.
I don't understand why they put foster parents through this like we're the ones asking for the hand outs. This is part of the state's package that they provide for the child we're caring for. Most foster parents work outside of the home so for us to come to your office and sit around is not fair. I think I would rather pay for his formula myself than have to sit in that WIC office every couple of months to get some vouchers! I don't understand why we can't be like other states, and be able to get the baby's formula from the social worker's office. That would make life so much easier. No group "appointments", no waiting around with 30 other people hoping that your name gets called early, and no more being stuck in a room full of women that are like cats that have a litter every time they go in heat. Yeah, I said it and I could care less if I offend anyone! Don't breed 'em, if you can't feed 'em. I know that there are some people that are hard working, trying to make ends meet that genuinely need assistance, and they should be able to get it. But for the majority of the people in the system that's not the case. I agree with an email I read a few weeks back about Bill Cosby should run for president. One of the 1st lines was that "All federal and state assistance will be paid out at the end of either a 40 hour work week or full week of school attendance. No one is going to pay you to do nothing!"
Saturday, September 27, 2008
We're getting used to our new schedule. Rob and I are getting up bright and early each day to make sure that R is fed, changed, and ready for daycare by 7:15 each morning. Since we're sharing a car we drop R off first and then I drop Rob off, and then I make my way back across town to my office all by about 7:50 or so. It's funny that having a baby in the house is making us get to work early now. We used to get lucky to both get to work on time! Once I get off I pick up R and then go pick up Rob at 6:30. Then we have to try to cook dinner, do laundry, clean and make bottles, and get to bed as early as possible because the morning comes very quickly.
I promise to try to keep things updated better because I know there are a lot of people that want to know how things are going with us. Love ya'll!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
When we walked in his mom came out of no where and grabbed him from me, and started slathering him with kisses while his little head bobbled back and forth like a bobble head doll. L reminded her to support his head. Rob ended up supervising the visit for about 20 minutes while L and I went to her office to discuss my problems. She apologised for not helping us more, and started calling the doctors to get things taken care of so R can get his records transferred to a doctor here. Hopefully that problem will be over soon. I'm tired of playing phone tag with doctors and Medicaide.
I didn't get a good look at R's mom when we got there, but I got plenty of time to check her out since we were in the room with her the whole time. The biggest impression I got from her is that she is young and completely inexperienced at taking care of a baby. She seems a little "slow" if you get my drift. She was dressed like thug too which makes me wonder even more about her and what she's in to right now. I couldn't help but feel sorry for her because you can see that she cares for R, and didn't want to let him go when the visit ended. The last thing I want is for him to be moved into the care of someone that's not ready and has no support. I want him to have the best life possible. But at the same time we're getting more and more attached to him. Our whole family is getting attached to him. It hasn't even been 2 weeks, and I don't want to think about him not being here.
When we were getting ready to leave, I let her put him in his car seat and showed her how to buckle him in. She told us thank you. I told her I was praying for her. It's all I can do. I'm praying for everyone that's involved.
Here's some more pictures of our little man that I took last week.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
The first night he was here bedtime was horrible. He cried and screamed and cried some more. It took over an hour to get him to lay in the crib for a few minutes without crying. He slept for about 3 hours that night. I stayed home with him on Thursday and Friday, and we made it through without too many rough spots. He slept much better those nights. Friday I went to check out the daycare he will be going to next week. The place looks great and all the kids seem very happy. It's about a mile from our house and my office so that's a huge plus. R and I did some shopping after we dropped Rob off at work. We went and wandered around Target and Best Buy for a couple of hours. R slept the whole time!Saturday, we went to the company picnic for a while. It was OK. We got there too late to play bingo, and that's my main reason to go. They give awesome prizes like huge gift cards and nice electronics. The first time I went to the picnic I won a DVD/VCR player so I've been hooked ever since. But this year I was too tired to get up early enough to make it there. Since it's difficult to get him to sit by himself awake we have to take turns getting ready. I got dressed first, then I dressed R, and then Rob was able to get dressed. Then there's making sure I have everything packed. I feel like a pack mule now a days. We did some shopping after the picnic and went out to the cemetery to visit our Princess. I got emotional because there is still a part of me that feels like I'm betraying her. I'm doing so much for this child that may not stay with us, and I didn't get a chance to do any of this for her. I know I'm not replacing her or betraying her. But it did bother me that I didn't wake up and remember that today was her monthly visit day. It did make me smile that as we were leaving the house for the picnic, a big monarch butterfly fly up to us and circled around the car seat. It was like she was coming to check out the new addition to the family.
Well, I've got to be at church early in the morning so I need to get to bed. So here's a picture of our new addition.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
I almost forgot to mention that a couple of days after I came home from vacation I had a big box on my doorstep. I couldn't for the life of me figure out who sent me something, then I looked at the return label. It was my wonderful prize that I won from Kris at Waiting for Keiki (great blog check it out!). I opened the package to find the most sophisticated, classy baby bag. I love it. I hope to put it to good use very soon. Thanks again!
We got a call last night from our case worker, A, about a baby boy in a neighboring parish. He's 7 weeks old right now. The home that he was placed in when he left the hospital is not a foster to adopt home so they are wanting to get him moved to a adoptive placement. A said that she doesn't know anymore on the situation or about the baby, but she would let the baby's worker know that we are interested. The worker was supposed to call today, but so far we haven't heard anything. I was so excited last night and most of today, but now my hopes are starting to wane. It's not like I have a good track record with babies anyway. I'll let you all know what happens either way.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
We had a great vacation this year, and actually missed all of the crap Gustav decided to dish out to our area. We left Saturday morning after staying up until 3:30 trying to get all the last minute things done. We didn't want to cancel our bi-weekly gaming session, but we had planned to cut it short and end at 10. Yeah right. No one left until 1 something. At one point I was ironing clothes and playing at the same time. I'm all about the multi-tasking. The worst thing was that I forgot to finish my church stuff so I had to work on that after everyone left! But it all worked out and God blessed us with plenty of energy for the drive.
Saturday, we met my brother at his apartment, and rode with him to go out to the cemetery to visit my sister-in-law, Sherina. That day would have been her 35th birthday. It's still hard to believe that she's been gone for 3 years now. She will always be loved and missed. We left there and went to visit her mom since she wanted to see me. We haven't seen her since Sherina's funeral, but we've kept in touch. We had a nice visit with her before heading back to my brother's apartment. Then it was time to head out to Little Elm since we were going to stay with my brother's girlfriend, Janet, for a couple of days. This was cool with us since I'm trying to get to know her a lot more since she's making me an aunt in a few months. I can't wait!!! My bro took us all out to Carrabba's for dinner, and it was so yummy. I haven't had good Italian in ages. We were pretty lazy Sunday, and slept late before getting up to a nice brunch prepared by Janet. I finally got to eat at Cold Stone Creamery that day too. I'm glad I don't have one around here because that stuff would be a huge addiction for me. Fun times! Monday was another laid back day with some shopping in Frisco, and an awesome dinner at Uncle Julio's afterward. That place is amazing. Yummy fire roasted salsa with a nice amount of cilantro, tender marinated fajita beef taco, creamy, cheesy chicken enchiladas, and great chili rellenos. Everything was top notch from the service all the way through to dessert. I will definitely return when we go back to Dallas later this year.
Tuesday we left Janet's and headed out to the Natural Science museums. We spent several hours just exploring all sorts of cool stuff from Egyptian history to dinosaurs to hands-on exhibits. Yes, we are big ole' nerds, and I can't wait to go places like this when we have some kiddos in the house.
Wednesday was our actual anniversary, we struggled through the crappy parking and ultra busy streets of downtown Dallas to get to the Crow Collection of Asian Art. All of the bitching and screaming about trying to find a parking spot and the over priced parking was worth it to see that amazing collection of art. They had art from the 15th Dynasty all the way to the present day. That night we got all dressed up and headed out to dinner at a fabulous Indian restaurant, Taj Mahal. The food was divine. We had a wonderful anniversary.
Unfortunately it was time for us to head home on Thursday. We had a list of places we wanted to go by to shop at on our way home. We went by a cool comic shop and then an anime shop too. We went to Penzey's, and were like kids in a candy shop. That place is a cook's paradise. We finally got to smell and sample all kinds of spices that I had been looking at in their catalog for a while. I can't wait to use the tandoori and vindaloo spices that we got. Hopefully we can start making our own Indian foods to hold us over between visits to Dallas. We stopped off at a small Chinese food restaurant that was in the same shopping center as Penzey's for lunch, and I'm so glad that we did. That place was inexpensive and gave us a delicous meal.
We took our time getting home since we didn't know if we had lights or not. The lights had been out in our neighborhood for a couple of days at that point. Thankfully when we got home they had been on for a couple of hours. But we still lost a bunch of food which sucks. We didn't have a bunch of damage but, I'll call our insurance agent next week to have someone come out and look. There's no reason not to since our insurance will probably go up next year just like it did after Katrina. But all in all we faired pretty good, and all of our family and friends are good which is a blessing.
I did learn something new. My heithen ass cat can not be left alone in the house. That orange demon broke a bunch of my stuff, and I am still pissed off about it. Thank God he didn't get to the majority of my angel collection because I probably would have given him away at that point. I have a lot of angels that mean a lot to me because they represent my pregnancy, my daughter, and my sister-in-law. I kept them on the highest shelves I have in the hopes that he won't get up to them. He's learned how to jump on the kitchen counters too. I spent my first hour or so home cleaning up his messes. At least he kept his crap in his litter box. I have now disinfected my counter tops and everything on them several times and will keep doing that until I've broken him of that habit.
Ok, I think this post is long enough so I will shut up for now. Here's a link to all the pic I took on our trip.
Damn, I need to get ready for work tomorrow. Bye :(
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
We're 3 days from leaving for our yearly vacation, and I've started my usual spreadsheets of trip stuff. I'm a planning freak, a really big one. First I made a list of every hotel that I would possibly stay in while in Dallas. Then I narrowed that down based on hotel reviews and my brother's advice. Then I took that smaller list and started mapping out the distances from each hotel to the places we plan to go to while staying there. With gas prices the way they are it only makes sense to stay somewhere that's nice and centrally located. So now I'm down to 2 hotels from that original list of 10-15. Once I narrowed down the hotels I started to figure out where we wanted to visit and how far away they are and how can I maximize my gas mileage each day. So far I've picked out 6 places for us to eat because we want to only eat places we can't eat at here. So we're going to have Indian, Chicago style pizza, Italian/Mediterranean and African cuisines. We will go to several museums and the planetarium because we are nerds through and through. So far that's all I've planned since I want us to have some time where we have no plans. It's nice to just mill around somewhere sometimes. Work and life have been so stressful for both of us over the past few months that we desperately need to get away. I can't wait to get on the road.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
I'm so tired of hurting. Everywhere I look there are babies and families. It just wears on your soul after a while. I realized today that I've on my 34 cycle of trying to conceive with nothing to show for it. I try my best to avoid things that I know will make me sad or make me cry, but I still get blindsided every now and again. I stopped watching shows like a Baby Story, and I focus on shows like Adoption Stories now. But since that show comes on while I'm at work I record it on the DVR, but the player starts taping a few seconds before the show starts a lot of the time. And usually there's a mom loving on her newborn baby on the screen when I start the recorded program. In that split second my heart breaks all over again. My hope that, that mom will ever be me is fading away. This isn't supposed to be my life. I spent so many years avoiding pregnancy, and now that I want it I can't have it. Why is it so hard? My one chance at having a baby went away before I was even completely conscious. Was I really meant for this life? Am I doing what I was put on this earth to do or am I still trying to find my way?
Tonight one of my friends who is a farmer gave a good devotion after band practice that hit home with me. He talked about how bad a field of corn looks when it's mature and ready to be harvested. It goes from these tall green stalks and leaves to yellow and brown. It all looks dead. But any farmer knows that the best part, the sweet, golden corn is just under all those layers of dead husks. We're like that corn, if you work to get through the hard parts, you'll find what you've been working for all along. I'm still working on getting through my layers, and I'm not sure when I'll reach the center.