Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Well, there have been no changes since I last posted except Fuzzy's CW mentioned that his BM may be moving to my town. Ughhhhh! L will be spending Christmas here since the family visit has been canceled. I'm glad because I don't want to deal with her regression and attitude again after she spends a week with her family and then has to come back here.
I plan to post more the next few weeks so I guess I'll get to work on my house now, and TTYL!
Friday, December 11, 2009
Then we had dinner. L ate all her food rather quickly, and I know it's just because someone else fixed her plate. If I had fixed it she would eat like she usually does at home, either it would take forever or she would eat. Then Fuzzy decided that he was hungry but didn't want to put in the effort to eat for himself. So I had to sit next to him the whole time feeding him. I barely got to eat for myself. Once we gave up on him eating, he roamed around playing. He kept getting a hold of things that he shouldn't and throwing horrible fits anytime someone told him no. I was ready to go long before I normally would have wanted to leave just to get them both home and in bed. Another thing is that people don't listen and don't remember that we don't want L staying in people's laps and being carried around like a baby. We're trying to break her of that dependence on people especially the need to run to and hold on to strangers. She does a lot of inappropriate things that we have been trying to work on.
We got home and I put Fuzzy to bed with no problem. L fought and cried and screamed for sometime until I finally gave up and just left her in the room screaming. She stopped a few minutes later. These fits of hers drive me crazy. I just have to walk away. I just want to scream because they make no sense at all.
I have learned that the next time someone invites us over I have to drop the kids at the grandparents or get a babysitter if I want to enjoy myself.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
No change. The social worker did what she said she would after her district supervisor told her to not change the case plan and they recommended that the case goal remain as reunification. The judge still thinks that the BM has made "so much progress" which is a load of bull. So we will continue supervised visits in the office, and go back to court again in March. At least we will have our little man for Christmas. I keep praying for strength because this process is so hard. I will never do this again.
Monday, December 7, 2009
I just realized that I haven't posted any pictures of the kids in a while. So here's some from the last month. Most of these were taken the weekend we thought they were going to take Fuzzy away from us. One of these days I will get a new picture of L that I can post. Everytime I pull out the camera she will stare at me the whole time. She never looks away!
We're praying that the judge will intercede in this stupidity and wishy washy social worker game. I'll update here hopefully tomorrow night. Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes.
I'm less than 2 weeks from the end of my first term in school working on my graduate degree. Currently I'm in Human Services with a concentration in Executive Leadership. I know that I want to get into a field where I can help people, and make a difference. I've been thinking and toying with the idea of changing to become marriage and family therapist. But I don't know. The field I'm in now has several different concentrations that range from business to marriage and family to end of life care. I just don't know. My main problem is that I need to decide between staying with human services or moving to counseling since they have different classes. This has been a hard term since it's my first one after being out of school for years plus having to work full time and take care of the kids and the house. I'm taking off a day next week to spend the whole day reading and catching up on my final papers that are due on the 18th. I've got all A's right now and I want to keep them!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
We had a nice Thanksgiving. My brother and his family were here so we got to spend some time with them. My niece has gotten so big since I last saw her, and she's crawling around so well. She kept giving me these huge grins. It was fun to watch Fuzzy playing on the floor with her.
We did some black Friday shopping, but we didn't go out until later in the morning to avoid the craziness. Saturday was spent at home most of the day until we went to dinner with some family. Today I woke up with a horrible migraine and congestion. I could barely see straight. I managed to go up to the church to get the computer ready for the 2 church services before I came home and crashed for several hours. I'm still not feeling too hot, but I'm forcing myself to stay out of bed at least for a few hours before bed.
L came back from her extended family visit. She's been acting up, but I know it's because she's upset about having to leave her siblings again. There's no way to really explain to a 2 year old that she's just going for a visit. We cut her a lot of slack. But we also can't let her just run wild and get away with breaking all our rules because she's been away.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Thank you to everyone that has been thinking and praying for us. I love you all!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Today we got the worst news possible. Fuzzy is going to leave us on Tuesday. His case worker, her supervisor, and the district supervior met earlier this week and decided that he has been in care too long. And his Bm hasn't done anything to him yet that would let the state terminate her rights. The fact that she puts him in danger all the time doesn't matter. He has to actually be physically hurt. The system is broken, and there isn't anything we can do to fix it. So they have moved court up from Dec. 6 to Nov. 17. They are recommending to the judge that he be returned immediately. No one cares about all of the evidence of her not taking care of him and riding him around on the interstate sitting in her lap. No one cares! I managed to hold myself together while his caseworker was here. I did tell her that I pray nothing happens to him. But if it does it's on her head. Rob and I took off this afternoon, and spent the day in the park just letting him play. We took lots of video and pictures. Tomorrow we're scheduled to take family portraits...our last pictures with our son. I'm trying to remember that this is all according to God's plan, and nothing will happen to him that God has not intended. But it still hurts so much. In 3 days, my son will be taken away from the only home he's ever known, and dropped into a horrible, horrible place. I pray he will overcome, and make something of himself.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Sometimes we have an experience that we don’t understand, but if we look deeply, or wait long enough, a reason for that experience will usually reveal itself. All the events in our lives lead to other events, and all that we have manifested in this present moment is the result of past events and experiences. We cannot easily tease apart the many threads that have been woven together to create our current reality. Experiences that don’t make sense, as well as any that we regret, are just as responsible for the good things in our lives as the experiences we do understand or label as "good."
This is especially important to remember at times when we feel directionless or unsure of what to do. It is often at times like these that we take a job or move to a place without really knowing if it’s the right thing to do. We may ultimately end up leaving the job or the place, but often during that time we will have met someone who becomes an important friend, or we may have an experience that changes us in a profound way. When all the pieces of our life don’t quite make sense, we can remember that there may be some hidden gem of a reason that we are where we are having the experiences we are having.
It’s fun to look back on past experiences with an eye to uncovering those gems - the dreadful temporary job in a bland office building that introduced you to the love of your life; the roommate you couldn’t tolerate who gave you a book that changed your life; the time spent living in a city you didn’t like that led you into a deeper relationship with yourself. Remembering these past experiences can restore our faith in the present. Life is full of buried treasures. Chances are, you’re sitting on some right now.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Next week, Fuzzy will be gone for 4 days, 4 whole days. God help me and God protect him.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Robert dressed as Shikamaru from Naruto (minus the black hair)
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
I pray all the time that God intercedes for Fuzzy, and let's him stay with us forever. I pray that he won't get lost in the system and shipped to a home where he will probably become another poverty statistic. I don't want my son taken from me just because I didn't give birth to him, and sent to someone that can't raise him to be a strong man and an asset to society. But so far all we've seen is a bunch of people that don't truly care about him. They say they do, but they don't. They just want reunification at all costs.
Today we were blindsided. We were told last week that he would be going for an hour visit today. But after we dropped him off at daycare his CW calls and says that they are taking him for a 2 night visit, and he will be back Wednesday. She claims that she would have called Friday, but their phones in the office weren't working. That's a load of shit! If she wanted us to know in advance, then she would have called us from her cell phone. I think they want us to mess up so they can use it against us in court in December. They want to pick him up for a overnight and he not have his medicines. But thank God, Robert was at home so he could take the medicines to the daycare and get pictures of how he looks before they picked him up. So now we have to deal with this every week from now until the court date in December. Even though the CW hasn't told us, I know that the December court date will be our make or break hearing, and I'm going into ready to fight or die trying.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
I got a call from the ENT's office that will hopefully be doing Fuzzy's surgery next week. We have to get BM to come back to the office to sign all the paperwork again for some stupid reason. It would make too much sense for her consent to cover this type of surgery with this doctor. I don't even remember there being a specific date on the consent! Ughhhh. We also have to take him Monday to his pediatrician to get checked out and cleared for surgery. Even though we just took him to the pediatrician a couple of days ago and he was fine. Then we turn around the next day and take him to the ENT for a pre-op check-up. WTF? Why do we need to have the same check-up 2 days in a row? Sounds like a bunch of doctors milking the system for all it's worth for no reason. Thank God I was able to get the CW agree with me that Fuzzy didn't need any visits, especially overnight visits until after his surgery. But hopefully next Friday, Fuzzy will finally get his long awaited ear surgery.
L has been on one for a while. Last night she kept making herself gag by crying with her mouth wide open while holding all her saliva in her mouth (I'm not sure that explanation makes sense). While I was combing her hair after her bath, she threw up twice! She hates anything dealing with grooming from baths to hair combing. But these are things that I won't stop doing. I try my best to make it easier on her, but there's only so much you can do with a big head of kinky hair and a child that loves to get very, very dirty.
We're planning on taking the kiddos to take pictures Sunday afternoon. We haven't taken L to take professional pictures yet, and I just got Fuzzy a nice little suit and tie set. Crossing my fingers that they both behave and take some good pictures.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
One good thing is that my new med is still working good. My blood pressure has been staying in a great range. The chiropractic sessions are going good too. I don't think that I will continue going 3 times a week for much longer, but we will see. My health insurance only pays for 20 visits...humph
Well, gotta go the kids are finishing up dinner and I still need to finish packing everyone up.
Friday, September 18, 2009
I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. A lot has happened and a lot hasn't happened. I'm on medical leave right now because of my blood pressure being sky high for the last few months. It finally started to take a real toll on me and start messing with my vision a couple of weeks ago. So I took some time to see my doctor and he was not pleased. My average readings over the past 3 months had been in the 200's/ 100's. My blood pressure should stay below 130/80. He wanted me to go on leave immediately, but I put it off another 2 weeks because there was just too much going on at work to walk out without any notice. So I will be trying to get myself together over the next few weeks.
I started seeing a chiropractor this week. I've read a lot of studies that show that if certain vertebrae are out of alignment or pressing on certain nerves it can cause your blood pressure to be higher than it should be. And yep, I have both of those issues. Who would have thunk it? So I've been popped, cracked, sqooshed, and pulled more than I ever wanted to be in my life this week, and I have a lot more to go.
My doctor finally has the time to switch my medicines from the ones that I was put on when I was pregnant. I'm glad because this means hopefully taking less medicine to control my blood pressure better. He was being cautious changing my meds because I might not respond well to getting off a medicine I've been on for over 3 years. So I needed to be resting and monitored closely.
We were supposed to have buttons put in Fuzzy's ears today, but Monday we found out he had bronchitis. This is after the BM actually showed up and signed the papers for his surgery. So now we're enjoying the 3 times a day nebulizers and lots of meds. Hopefully we will get him well soon so we can get him back on the schedule for the surgery he so desperately needs.
Last weekend, Rob's mother scared the crap out of us by saying she thought L had the mumps. L had complained on and off about the side of her lower jaw hurting and it was slightly swollen. I knew she was behind on her immunizations, but she has had the one for mumps. Rob took her to the after hours clinic and they ruled out mumps, strep, and mono...Thank God! She has some infection so she's on an antibiotic and a decongestant.
Oh yeah and on top of all this fun, my allergies have been acting a fool and Aunt Flow shows up 2 weeks early. Ain't life grand!
Monday, September 7, 2009
L has been acting up a lot lately. She's got a nasty attitude toward both Rob and I. She's been rolling her eyes and refusing to do things. She's trying to boss Rob around by hitting and yelling at him. It took almost 2 hours to get her to eat her lunch today when I know that she was hungry and that it was food that she likes. If I say one word to her sometimes she starts screaming and crying. It doesn't matter what I say or how I say it. I thought things were getting better, but now it's back to me wondering if she needs to live with us or not.
Fuzzy is walking a lot better now, and actually walks more than crawls most days. Tomorrow afternoon we have a court hearing on his case. We're not expecting much to happen, but we will be there to testify if asked. Friday is L's next FTC so I will go to that one this time instead of Rob. Then the week after all of this, Fuzzy will be having tubes put in. His CW is going to ask the judge to give us permission to sign for his anesthesia because they feel like his BM will be a no show when she has to come sign the day of the surgery. She doesn't think he needs the surgery even though they have explained to her several times about his chronic ear infections and the possibility that he could lose his hearing. But she's thick headed and thinks that this is normal. It's not normal for a 1 year old to have had 9 ear infections! I'm praying that they get the order so that we can get him the surgery he needs without having to worry with her stupidity.
I'll keep ya'll posted on what's going on in my world. I hope everyone has a great Labor Day. TTYL!
Friday, September 4, 2009
I meant to post this yesterday, but I was so busy that I didn't get a chance. Yesterday, was our 4th wedding anniversary. We didn't do anything special, but we're hoping if time permits to take a little getaway at the end of the month. A nice romantic, trip for 2 to see Metallica in concert in Dallas and have some good food. Yep, that's our kind of romance- metal and sushi. I still can't believe that it's been 4 years since I was a new bride. Time really does fly. I wonder if I'll be saying the same thing 21 years from now?
One of my favorite songs was and still is our wedding song, Nothing Else Matters by Metallica. Back then it meant that nothing in the world meant more to us than our love for each other and our relationship. When Madison was born, it expanded to our love for her. Now it's evolved even more. I'm so blessed that I listened to my heart and not my head, and stepped outside of my comfort zone to fall in love with Robert. He's rather strange to most people, but to me he's everything that I never knew I wanted or needed. I love you, Rob!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
I can sum up me in one word: depressed. Nothing new has happened really. Fuzzy's case is at a stand still. His next court date is supposed to just be a 3 month review so nothing special. We will attend in case the judge wants to talk to us about the crap that went on with his overnight visits. L hasn't been progressing much, actually it depends on who she's around. She wants all of our attention so she tries to act like a baby around us, and it turns into a huge battle to get her to do somethings that we know she can do. She's not even trying to communicate with me most of the time. Her therapist and everyone has been working on getting her to point to what she wants. She was doing it for a while now not so much. I can sit down on the couch with some goldfish crackers. Fuzzy will come over to me and reach for the box or hold out his hand. She will stand about 4 feet away and just stare at me. If I ask her what do you want or say show me what you want. She will just stare or smile. To me that's not communicating correctly. It's so frustrating.
Our 4th wedding anniversary will be Wednesday, and the 4th anniversary of my sister's passing will be Friday. Madison was due on our 1st anniversary. I just wish I could get pregnant again. It's been almost 4 years since I got pregnant with Maddie. I wish I could be normal again. I want a child of my own that man can take away. I want to be able to take my child to the doctor and not have to explain that this child is not legally mine. I want to make decisions for my child without have to have a court order. I want to be a normal mother again.
I want the tears to stop welling up in my eyes as I type this. I want my husband to understand my pain. I want him to stop calling me cranky. I'm not simply "cranky". I'm not a baby nor an old woman. I'm angry, frustrated, brokenhearted, disappointed, run over, suffering, and so much more that I can't put into words. I need to be happy again.
A friend of mine posted this on her blog a while back, and it just feels right for me to share it again:
"A Pair of Shoes"
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Fuzzy stood up on his own today without using anything to help him! I think that he will start walking soon. It's hard to believe that it's almost been a year since he came to live with us. We've stopped trying to potty train L until she's willing and able to communicate with us consistently. She's still trying to pretend that she doesn't know how to feed herself correctly, but we know that she does because she does it at daycare and for other people like my mom. She's been saying more words on some days while other days she won't say much. I'm so glad that the speech therapy has started, and I can't wait until she's really talking with us like a normal 2 year old. She's a nice kid, but damn she can drive me crazy sometimes. But things have gotten much better over the past few weeks which is good.
I've started singing with my church's praise band, and it's been fun. I haven't sang with a group since high school. I've been practicing and I need to practice a lot more. I like to bring my "A" game to the table. We're working on a CD which took up a big chunk of my Saturday. We go back in the studio in 2 weeks to record my background vocals. So there will be a lot of singing going on in my house and car for the next couple of weeks.
I finally found out about my job, and I'm ok with the decision. I'm hoping that as everything gets lined out in the next few weeks that my job will be a lot less hectic and more structured.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Today was not a good day. I don't know why I'm always in a bad situation at work. I try to keep a low profile and just do a good job, but there is always something that happens to screw that all to hell. I can't say what happened, but my ass is in the crapper right now. Ughhhhh. It's not like I purposely did this, but people that I thought were adults overheard me tell another co-worker something that I didn't know was confidential and felt the need to spread it like the latest celebrity BS. Thanks a lot you nosy azz people!
One good note is that the kids liked my chicken and dumplings. They both were smiling and saying Mmmmmmm while they were eating. I'm glad that I'm actually getting L to eat some normal food instead of only eating spaghettios and Vienna sausage.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I still don't know anything about my job at this time. So I'm just working and hoping for the best. I'm putting it all in God's hands because worrying isn't going to get me anywhere.
I went shopping with Fuzzy and my mother-in-law, Kathey, yesterday since there were some awesome sales going on. We were having a tax free weekend too which just made things even better. I hit up my favorite seasonal upscale consignment shop, and got the kids a ton of fall/winter clothes. I also got a travel booster chair and some walking wings for Fuzzy for a total of $10! Then we went by the mall (which was freaking packed like it was Christmas). My back hurts because I forgot to pack the stroller so I had to carry Fuzzy most of the day. That little boy gets heavy fast.
In the middle of this, I was able to get in to my salon to get a trim. I hadn't had my hair cut in 4 months and desperately needed it. But I hated the way my hair looked when I was done because my stylists will get a little too "high fashion = big freaking wild hair" on you. Also my hair was really dry. My hair has gotten used to sulfate free shampoo. So when I finally made it home from shopping, (I can't believe I went all over town looking like an effing picked chicken) I gave myself a deep conditioning rinse with heat treatment which helped a ton. But all in all I'm satisfied with my salon visit because I got a good hair cut. Transitioning my hair from relaxed to natural has been an interesting journey. I've learned a lot about my hair, and I know I've got a lot more to learn as time goes on. But I'm lucky I found a great line of products fairly early on that have been a huge help for me.
Well, it's past my bedtime so I'll be going for now.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Ashley aka The Temperamental Mama
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
I know I promised more pictures from the party (and one from his birthday the next day), but I only have a couple that aren't full on face shots of Fuzzy. So here's what I've got.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
My son turned one today, and I'm so happy and blessed to get to celebrate and share this milestone with him. He's changed so much over this past year. I was looking at pictures of him from when we got him and how he looks now. It's amazing to see him grow from a helpless, immobile baby to a very vocal, very, very mobile, opinionated, funny, happy little boy. His smile melts my heart everyday. Hearing him call me mama makes a bad day, a good day.
We took him to my stylist Friday to get his first real haircut. He looks so handsome. His birthday party was a lot of work, and we were exhausted and sore by the time it was done. But it was so worth it. We had lots of family and friends there all wishing Fuzzy a happy birthday. I'll post some pictures as soon as I get them uploaded. My bro took a bunch of shots for me too so hopefully it won't take him too long to send them to me. Everyone loved the hamburgers and hotdogs. Rob got lots of compliments on the food. I'm glad that putting the food in slowcookers to keep everything warm after he took it off the grill worked perfectly. We were able to grill a couple of hours of before we ate, and everything was still nice, hot, and juicy.
Fuzzy got a room full of toys and some clothes. He's sitting in one of his favorites right now, a Radio Flyer rocking horse. He will sit in that things for 30 minutes or more just bouncing and laughing. Thanks Auntie Kelley and Uncle Jim! He loves his Cozy Coupe, but he's still getting used to getting in and out of it himself, but he does loves opening and closing his car door. Thanks Tia Janet and Tio Corey! We officially need to buy another toy chest to hold all his gifts. We'll take our time introducing a new toy or toy to him every few days so. I tried not to stress too much about things that didn't turn out right or the stuff that we forgot to bring with us to the party. Everyone had a great time and that's what I wanted.
Fuzzy, Mama and Daddy love you with all our hearts. We're so thankful and blessed to have you in our lives and to get the privilede to be your parents. We pray that we will get to support and guide you through all of life's milestones. But no matter what happens, you will always be our son. We love you!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
CW told me that they did go over our list of problems from the last visit with BM. And she actually had the nerve to try to say he had a diaper rash when we gave him to her, but she forgot to mention it to anyone or take a picture. Isn't that just convenient? It's nice that we have the day care backing us that no his butt was perfectly fine on Friday evening when I picked him up. But when he comes home Sunday afternoon his butt is raw.
I've still got tons to do to prepare for this weekend. And it's time for me to run and pick up the kids before band practice so gotta go!
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I'm in the process of gathering all of my documentation to send a copy to Fuzzy's attorney. I've never met her, but I have her address. It may not do any good, but I'm going to try anyway. Someone has to be willing to go to bat for this child. I will do everything I can for him as long as I can.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
I'm glad that this weekend is a free weekend. We're planning on grilling today (yum ribs and boudin), and pulling out the baby pool for the kids. Rob wants to shoot fireworks so we will go by the fireworks stand that's walking distance from our house tonight to get some supplies. I know that Fuzzy has been around them before, but L may freak out. We'll have to start small and see how it goes. I'm debating about going to the big fireworks show in the park tonight.
I'm still working on Fuzzy's birthday bash that will be 2 weeks from today. I've got the cake ordered and the paper goods purchased. I'm still kind of iffy on the cake. We're doing a Se*same Street theme, and I found a cake I like. I went to my usual baker to order it and they quoted me $65. I was shocked because it was originally $78 until I lowered the number of servings. This is the cake. The only thing that the baker is doing is the cake and the cupcakes. I'm putting the decorations on it myself since. I just wonder if I can get it from someone cheaper. I know this bakery's quality. They made our wedding cakes, and they were so good people were talking about them for weeks! I've got the invites printed I just need to address them and mail some of the out. Most of them I will hand deliver. I'm going to price renting an E*lmo or Cookie*Monster costume since we have a couple of friends that would be willing to wear them for us. I just want this to be the best 1st birthday party for Fuzzy. This may be our only chance to give him a birthday party so we have to make it good. Well, there's a little hand with a smiling face grabbing my leg so I gotta go. I hope everyone has a wonderful 4th of July!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
All day Saturday I rearranged furniture and cleaned and cleaned. I had to keep busy to keep my mind from dwelling on him and wondering what was going on with him. Saturday night BM called me to ask if she could keep him until 1PM so she could take him to church. Trying to be nice, I agreed. We got to the meeting point at 1 and my phone rings. It's BM saying that she's going to be late because she doesn't have a ride and Fuzzy is asleep. WTF does Fuzzy being asleep have to do with anything, I don't know. I hung up on her and called the social worker. I left SW a message about what was going on. We decided to head home since it was 102 degrees and we're sitting in a parking lot with a 2 year old that's hungry and it's at least a 40 minute drive from BM's home to where we were. We stopped to get lunch and headed home. By the time we got home BM called and said she was on her way. So we headed back. I know we could have waited at the house a while and then left, but we were too anxious to get Fuzzy back.
BM shows up about an hour after she called in a small white pick-up truck driven by some little wrinkled white man. Whoever the hell he was no one knows? Something told me to have my camera ready when they pulled up. And I was right BM was holding the car seat in her lap with Fuzzy in it unbuckled. If they had been hit or had to make a sudden stop there was nothing there to prevent him from flying through the front windshield! I snapped a picture and jumped out of the car. Fuzzy saw me and started smiling. He practically jumped from her arms to me. His pants were soaking wet. A few words were exchanged but she didn't mention anything about how his visit went. I walked to the car and immediatly took his pants off and changed him. His diaper had started to fall apart it was so heavy with urine. Fuzzy looked like hell. He had these huge bags under his dark, sunken eyes, but he just kept smiling at us. You could tell he was so happy to be home. His hair reeked of smoke. And this is after she was been told time and time again that he has severe allergies and asthma so he doesn't need to be around smoke!
When we got home I checked his bottom to find it raw and red. I took a picture of this too for his social worker. I weighed the diaper to find that it weighed almost a pound! A dry diaper is only a little over an ounce and this diaper weighed a pound! His social worker said to just pack him a small diaper bag because BM should have everything he needed. So we sent him with 2 diapers, a premade bottle, an almost brand new can of formula, his medicines, butt paste, and a bath tub book. That bitch kept the formula and the book and his clothes he had on that day. Good thing I dressed him in play clothes and cheap shoes because I would have beat her ass if she kept some Nik*e or Str*iderite shoes! I'm not even sure if she fed him the formula we sent because the SW said that she saw a big can of formula there when she visited the home the day before the visit. Also from 3PM to 8PM, Fuzzy had 4 seperate poopy diapers that were nasty. This child normally has 1 or 2 a day, not 4 in a 5 hour span.
I spent several hours sitting on the couch holding him so he could sleep. At one point he let out a horrible scream and it took me a a few minutes to get him to stop and look at me. As soon as he saw me he said mama and fell back asleep. Even if Rob was holding him he had to keep me within eyesight or he would cry. He's normally not like that. He's always to independent unless he's sick. I wish I knew what the hell she did to him. I don't know how anyone can think putting him through this stress is good for him. I know it won't get any better because BM is stubborn and doesn't listen to anyone. She wants to do things her way and it doesn't matter that it's hurting Fuzzy.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
On a happier note, my brother and his girlfriend got married this weekend. It was a lovely small wedding with just family and some close friends. I got to be the photographer, and use my bro's new Ca*non EOS R*ebel T 1i. I'm in love with that bad boy. I can't wait to see the printed pictures. I was the 1st person to take pictures with it :) We took both kids with us to TX, and that was something I don't ever plan to do again. L had a screaming fit for about 10 minutes the 1st night in the hotel out of no where. And Fuzzy refused to sleep more than an hour or so at a time the whole 2nd night. I was exhausted. I'm still tired. For the most part, we all enjoyed the trip. And I'm just thrilled to have Janet as my sister-in-law and her son, Alex, as my nephew. I didn't take too many pictures with my camera since I was using the big daddy camera, but I'll share pictures when I can.
The day after the wedding, Avianna, was dedicated in church. It was nice being there for that, and she looked angelic in her little poofy ivory dress. We were supposed to go to my bro's house afterwards and to celebrate, but I didn't get much celebrating done. We were there about 30 minutes and realized that Rob packed Fuzzy's bottles in the wrong bag. So we had a hungry baby with no formula. I tried to feed him some solid food, but he didn't really want it. So I made the 20+ minute drive back to the hotel alone. I missed a turn and got kind of lost, but I found my way back. I was upset that I had to go back for the bottles and then I got lost and then on top of that my mom called my cell phone complaining about how long I was taking to get back. This is from the woman that made a 5 hour drive an 8+ hour drive because they got lost on the way to TX! Then my bro called me a couple of times because my mom was bothering him about it. And I just lost it. All of the pent up anger and frustration from the last few weeks at work and the issues with Fuzzy just came to a head. And I went off on my mom when I got back to the house. I know I said somethings I shouldn't have, but her nagging just set me off. I was hoping this weekend would be a nice time where I wouldn't feel like I was being berated for one thing or another, but her comments ruined the rest of my day. She's not really talking to me that much right now, and I know I will apologize just because it's my mom. Next time I will just have to avoid her.
I'm currently planning Fuzzy's birthday party which is getting bigger and bigger and bigger. We've decided to have it in the gym at our church since my house is not set up for a party of this size. Also this will allow everyone to get in the air conditioning if they are not on the playground with the kids. I still can't believe that my little man will be 1 in a matter of weeks. Time really has flown by.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
I think L had a good birthday. She loved all of her gifts especially the cheap little baby bottles for her dolls. She loves her playhouse and her new doll. We met her grandmother and mom at the park the afternoon of her birthday so they could spend some time with her. It was nice seeing her happy, relaxed, and smiling.
On Friday, we had L's Family Team Conference and my department was having an out of the office fun day at the lake. I had planned to go to the FTC, but I've missed too much work lately. And in order to make sure I could get the time away from the office I will need in a couple of weeks approved I had to miss the meeting. So Rob took off Friday to go to the FTC for us. I had already spoken to L's mom several times about giving her another little party that day with her siblings. L's mom told me that the only thing she needed us to bring was the cake. I should have known better than that. Rob took the cake and an extra set of plates (just in case) with him. The family had a bunch of junk food and that's all. They didn't even have plates or a damn knife for the cake. Thank goodness I picked out a cake/cupcake combo so all they ate were the cupcakes since they couldn't cut the cake.
During the FTC, Rob learned a lot more about L's mom and all her issues and let me tell you that there are a ton of them. He also learned that L is lactose intolerant. WTF? Really...you're just know mentioning this. This child has been with us 2 months and has been having the foulest, nastiest diapers I have ever seen. I have almost thrown up several times. So now I've switched her to soy milk and I'm praying that things will get better.
L is still crying at the drop of a hat for almost anything. I keep talking to her about why she shouldn't be crying the way she does. She's also still screaming bloody murder when it's time to leave daycare or the church nursery or just leave someone that she just met in the hallway for a minute.
Wednesday evening , we're meeting with the therapist to have L evaluated. I'm hoping that she's eligible for as much help as they can give her because she really needs it. People joke about it, but I really believe that if she doesn't get professional help that Fuzzy will start really talking before she does.
Speaking of Fuzzy, he's cruising everywhere. He's not too interested in standing without holding on to something, but he's pulling up and walking all the time. I've started planning his birthday party and trying to figure out where we will have it. Right now I have about 50 people on the invite list so it's starting to look more and more like we will not have it at our house simply due to space and cost. Renting a tent and tables and chairs is pretty $$$. We will have his permanency meeting next week. I'm praying that they don't extend his BM's time. CW mentioned that her supervisor told her to talk to BM about surrendering her rights, but we all know that BM won't do that. She will drag things out until the end because she's not thinking about Fuzzy and what's in his best interest. I truly believe that she's had plenty of time and opportunities to do what they ordered her to do. But instead she's trying to make things appear to be good enough to hopefully fool people into just sending him home. The CW sees what she's doing, but will that help things I don't know.
Here's a couple of pictures of my son.
Well, my hair is almost dry so I can go to sleep soon. I'll try to update more often, but this week will be hella busy with Vacation Bible School each night after work until 8:15. Thank goodness it's only a week.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Rob was able to get the cupcakes to the daycare Friday so L was able to celebrate with all her little friends. And he did a good job taking pictures since I couldn't be there and taking pictures is usually my department. We will meet up with L's mom tomorrow so she can spend some time with her too. Hopefully we can do that right after church so that once I'm home I can put on my slippers and lounge pants and chill out with my family.
Lord, please let Monday just be a lazy day without any drama. I need some rest.
Friday, May 22, 2009
I found out that my last grandparent passed away. My dad's dad died. He wasn't close to any of us anyway so it wasn't a crushing blow by any means. He moved clear across the country when my dad was 5, and rarely visited. I had never met him until I was in junior high. I think I've seen him 3 times in my whole life. But it's still sad when I think that I don't have any grandparents left.
My brother, Janet, and Avianna visited last weekend. It was wonderful getting to see her again so soon. She gave me the biggest grin when she saw me! I'm glad that my parents have finally gotten a chance to see and hold their granddaughter after all this time. And I'm excited because I will see her again next month when we go to TX for her baptism. Fuzzy didn't care much for being around Avianna. He was being a jealous little man. He would cry and scream bloody murder anytime I held her or talked to her unless Janet was giving him some attention. My jealous boy!
This week started out pretty good and has gone down hill fast. We had our monthly visit from Fuzzy's CW on Monday. She told us that things were looking towards adoption on their end because of problems with the BM and her not working her case plan. They know that she's just doing some things to make it appear that she's progressing to get Fuzzy back, but she's not making actual progress. She's doing things that are in violation of her plan. So Rob was feeling optimistic while I was being guarded in my optimism. I know I won't feel optimistic until a judge says he's ours.
Tuesday we took 6 hours of training so we're almost done with our training for this year. We will get another 2 hours tonight at the foster parent's appreciation banquet. So I will only need 1 more hour to meet our requirements for the year. During our classes we got a lot of information from the therapist and some other parents that hopefully will help us with L and her communication problems. After talking with the therapist, I've started looking into attachment disorders. L exhibits a lot of the symptoms, and it would explain her issues with me and the quick attachments she gets with strangers.
Thursday, when I walked into the daycare, Melissa, one of the ladies that cares for Fuzzy met me in the door. She told me that a social worker came and took Fuzzy for a visit. They said that they would be gone about 2 1/2 to 3 hours, but they were gone more like 4 hours. She sent him with 4 diapers, a bottle, wipes, and a jar of food. He came back 4 hours later, hungry and wet with 3 diapers left, a quarter of his bottle, and most of the baby food. He was in a bad mood and exhausted the rest of the day. It was difficult to get him to go to sleep. He whined and fussed most of the night which is not like him. It pissed me off because no one told me that they were going to take him for a visit. All I know is that I have a very upset baby to deal with when I get home. I called his worker bright and early this morning, and she acted like nothing odd happened. She said that they supervised the visit. His BM fed him until he didn't want anymore and that he was dry when they left to bring him back. She is so full of shit! I know what happened. The same thing that always happens. His BM expects him to eat when she sees him no matter what time it is. He ate about an hour and a half before his visit so he didn't want any more food. But instead of waiting until he was hungry and trying again they just bring him back to the daycare starving!
On top of all that the CW asks me if we will start supervising Saturday visits so his BM can see him more. WTF? Do you not take enough of my time up anyway, now you want my Saturdays? Just hearing that they want us to spend our weekend babysitting her just made me sick to my stomach. I don't have a good feeling about any of this. How do you go from saying on Monday that things are pointing to TPR and adoption to asking me on Friday for more visitation time for BM? I'm so fucking tired of having no control over my own life. Everyone else in the world gets to tell me what to do. There are people to tell me he's your son, but he's not your son. Bring him here, take him there, let her see him at this date and time. No you can't have 1 day in the week where you can just live your life outside of work because BM needs to see him more. You're the state's slave and we will beat you into submission. We will rip your heart out and stomp on it. But you shouldn't care because it's a job and we pay you so we own you. Don't complain because he's not really yours, but remember love him like he's yours or you're not a good foster parent. I'm not sure how much more of this shit I can take.