Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Yet more problems

I was thinking about my sister-in-law and PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) a few days ago, and it got me to researching. I doubted that I had the same problem since I don't think I've ever had a cyst, but I've had a ton of fibroids. I looked at the symptoms or PCOS and saw that I had a few of them. This led me to researching about Insulin Resistance. And I found that I had more than a few of those symptoms. Rob called me a hypochondriac for looking up symptoms for diseases to see if I had it. But how else would you find out?

Well I decided to go see my family doctor, Dr. C, today to get checked out. I've gone to him for about 18 years so he has my most extensive medical history of any of my docs. He checked and guess what? I'm a diabetic. What the hell?! If I didn't already have a enough shit going on in my life. Can't I catch a break sometimes? But I should have known. My parents, and all of my grandparents had the disease. So it was just a matter of time I guess. Dr. C didn't want me to go on medicine right now. He's always been the kind to try to control some things with diet and exercise. So I'll be starting the IR (Insulin Resistant) diet or South Beach diet tomorrow. I haven't decided exactly which one yet, but it's my choice. He gave me a blood sugar meter, and I have to test twice a day. I'll go back to see him in about a month.

All my online buddies keep telling me that I'm one step closer to my BFP now, and I really hope they are right. Dr. C did mention that he will venture to guess this is why I'm having such a hard time getting pregnant. When I got pregnant with Madison I was over 50 pounds lighter than I am now. That just sucks donkey balls. This diet is going to be so hard for me. I love sweets. Just love, love, love them. I love carbs. I think I might chew off my arm in a couple of days without my beloved rice, potatoes, corn, and pasta. What the hell is left if you lose those things? I have to try to look on the bright side, and I'll let you know as soon as I find it. :(

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Double Standards

We're going out to lunch today for one of my co-workers birthday. The way we handle birthdays has changed constantly but never consistently since I've been here. My first day here was on my 25th birthday. No one even knew it was my birthday until several weeks later. But at that time the group had a birthday club. The person that had the last birthday would by the cake for the next person's birthday. It worked pretty good, but some people didn't want to participate the next year. So after I bought someone's cake the group decided to end the birthday club 2 weeks before my 26th birthday. Just my luck, no cake for me. The group decided to not celebrate anyone's birthday as a group except for people like our boss and our VP. This lasted for a year even though some people other than the boss and VP got cakes or lunches. I didn't get squat. Really makes you see how important you are to people. My boss bought me a cake this year out of no where, and I was shocked. But that's all I got. Not like other people who get a cake and lunch and gifts. I would think I was being a brat complaining that no one does anything for me on my birthday, but several other people have mentioned the double standards when it comes to birthdays in out group. Well time to go to lunch, I'll try to post later about what's going on with me besides being the red headed step child.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Waiting on my newest furbaby

I paid the deposit on a little orange kitty on Saturday. I'm getting him from an area shelter. His current name is O'range, but that will change when we get him home. He's about 4 weeks old now so he's got a couple more weeks before I can take him home. But that didn't stop me from picking up some food, a brush, shampoo, food dish, and a cute kitty bed for him. I'm so excited!!! Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted a little orange kitty cat. But my parents refused to let us have pets besides fish. So last week I was thinking about a kitty again and just pulled up Petfinder and there he was in a shelter about 30 miles from here. I forgot to save the picture they had of him, and now they've taken his listing down since he's mine. But here's a picture of a kitty that kind of looks like him except my kitty's ears are still closed.

Oh yeah, I'm open to any suggestions on a name for him. DH suggested Hobbes, but I'm not 100% sold on it yet.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Where have I gone?

It's a little over 2 weeks until Madison would have been 2 years old. We should have a rambunctious toddler running around our house. Yet all we have is the noise from a TV, dogs barking, and turtle tank filters running water. I still can't believe that 2 years have passed and we're still childless. I never imagined that at 28, I'd be struggling with infertility. It was so easy to get pregnant with Madison. It only took us 3 months of trying to get her. But now it's been 2 years since she went away, and we've got nothing to show for it but a memory box on a shelf. There's only so much you can do for your child when you're the mother of an angel. You can make sure that people don't forget she was here. You can visit her grave and put out flowers, pinwheels, flags, hearts, balloons. You can make her a website in her memory. You can think about her everyday. But you can't hold her. You can't play with her. You'll never see her eyes or her smile. You'll never hear her call you mommy. You can only dream of the day when you'll get to see her again. We were so close yet so far away.

I'm still trying to decide if I will participate in my local March of Dimes race on the 3rd of May. I've designed a shirt in Madison's memory to wear if I go, but my opinion of the race changes from day to day. I wish that there was a Preeclampsia walk somewhere near us because I would do that in a heartbeat. The Preeclampsia Foundation is near and dear to my heart. I want to help them find a cure for this disease. Madison was premature and for no other reason, but to save my life. I got plenty of medical care from the very beginning. I started taking my prenatal vitamins months before I got pregnant. I didn't smoke or drink. She was born to early because of preeclampsia. I know in my heart if I hadn't gotten that disease at all or at least late in my pregnancy, Madison would be here with us now. So it's natural that I'm more involved with the PE Foundation than March of Dimes. Everyone knows the March of Dimes and everyone gives to them. Yes, they do give some to the PE Foundation, but finding a cure to a disease that touches tens of thousands of women and babies a year costs a lot of money.

I've helped the March of Dimes for years especially after my goddaughter was born 6 weeks early back in 2002. I was so thankful for the advances in medicine that helped save her life, and make her the beautiful little girl she is today. But once Madison was born and died I didn't want anything to do with them. They didn't save her. They pissed me off sending me a survey asking about my prenatal care and my lifestyle since my baby had died about 3 weeks after the fact. I didn't respond so they sent 3 more over the course of a couple of months. I hated seeing the fundraising posters around work with the babies that were no bigger or older than Maddie, but now they are happy and healthy because of the MOD. I was jealous. I still am. It depends on the day how I feel about them.

I'm not sure how I feel about a lot of things anymore.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Still nothing

We haven't heard anything from the attorney about the baby. I haven't called the children's home to inquire about it either. I'm not sure why. I guess I'm afraid to find out why we never heard anything. Maybe I'm afraid to find out that it's not going to happen. I've tried my best not to hold on to the idea of adopting this baby too hard. I'm trying to just step back and let God handle things. I'm leaving him in control. I just wonder if calling and checking on things is taking the control of the situation from God.

Monday, April 21, 2008

The Barren Family

I read all the time the blogs of my friends or posts that my friends make on the CO (Conception-Obsession) message board about all of their siblings, nieces, and nephews having lots of babies and getting pregnant just by looking at each other. And I feel so bad for them. I can't imagine being bombarded with that within your own family day after day. I have lots of cousins that have lots of kids, but since they are so much older than me it doesn't bother me. Rob doesn't have any cousins.

My brother and my husband's siblings have no kids of their own. One of them has PCOS most likely, but she's never come out and said for certain. But she doesn't think they will be able to conceive without medical intervention like IVF. I really hope she gets her miracle all on her own. My brother isn't looking to have kids anytime soon since he's a widower with no plans to remarry in the foreseeable future. Rob's brother is married to an older lady that has her own kids almost our age and most likely won't be having any more. My other sister-in-law doesn't need to have a kid in the situation she's in now, but that story is too long to get into now.

So that leaves us. We're the babies of our families. We've been married almost 3 years, and we're basically stable. So to cut to the chase we're the ones that everyone is looking at to produce the next generation. Damn, I just got this horrible Star Trek image in my head. Back to what I was saying. I do feel blessed to not have a gang of nieces and nephews everywhere I look. I think that would just be adding salt to a wound that is no where near being healed.

I got a chance to daydream yesterday after lunch. The restaurant we went to is right next to a baby boutique. So I stood in the window looking at the designer baby outfits and the gorgeous white bassinet covered in flowing fabrics with a big pink bow. I imagined shopping in there with my mom like we used to do when I was a little girl. I just pray that those won't stay locked in my imagination, someday they will become a reality.

Friday, April 18, 2008

No news

funny pictures

Sometimes no news is good news, but right now no news is just annoying. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much or get too attached to the whole adoption of this baby right now. I'm trying to stay neutral. If it happens then wonderful, but if it doesn't then it wasn't meant to be. I do hope this child finds a loving home even if it's not with us. But I can't put all my eggs in one basket. I can't take another loss. We're going to continue our baby making journey the same as planned. If this cycle is a bust then we will move on to more testing and procedures. Either way we will keep moving on until we become parents again.

I've been watching a show called Baby Lab for the past 2 days. The show is set in St. Louis, MO at the clinic of one of the top IVF specialists in the world. Each episode follows several couples over the course of a year while the attempt to become parents through IVF, in vitro-fertilization. It starts with the injections to stimulate the woman's ovaries and make her ovulate through the egg retrieval and egg transfer. It even shows the lab work when they take a single sperm and inject it into an egg. It's amazing to see the beginnings of life through a microscope. I know several ladies who have done IVF, and I know it's a hard process. But to actually see the process brings it to a new level for me. I pray that we don't have to go to that point because it's a very expensive gamble. But I won't say that I wouldn't do it. We're willing to do what it takes to make our dreams come true again.

Thursday, April 17, 2008


One of my favorite sayings is "God is not dead, nor does He sleep." I encountered that phrase several times while I was in my darkest places after Madison passed away. I encountered it again when my friend, Mesa, lost her daughter. It has always brought me comfort. I know that God is always with us and always listening to our prayers no matter where we are. A lot of people's prayers were answered yesterday. Mesa and Will welcomed their daughter, Emily Ella, into the world. She was born at 5:05 CST and weighed 6 pounds 3 ounces. She is simply beautiful. A beautiful, wonderful blessing to so many people, especially her parents. It renews my hope to see them welcome this child into their lives after losing someone so precious to them. We know their angel, Ella, is a proud big sister now just smiling down on her parents. Congratulations Mesa and Will! You all are living proof that God hears prayers and answers them.

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord answered my prayer and gave him to me. Now, I give him back to the Lord. He will belong to the Lord all his life"
I Samuel 1:27-28

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

His Will

I was for sure that we weren't going to adopt any time soon, but in the last 24 hours things have changed. I don't have a ton of details right now, but there is a birth mother that hasn't delivered yet that's looking for a couple like us to adopt the baby. The main problem is that this adoption would be a private adoption through an attorney, and the fees will be a lot more than we were planning on paying. They are estimating $18,000, and we don't have anywhere near that much money. But we have been praying about this, and a lot of people are praying with us now. We want to do God's will, and if this is His will then I know he will make a way for us. Prayers and positive thoughts are greatly appreciated.

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way


Tuesday, April 15, 2008


After the several meltdowns I've had in the past couple of weeks, I feel like I need to get back to the basics. I need to turn my focus back to God and my marriage. I started meditating and deep prayer last cycle, and it helped focus me and calm me. I will continue to do that. Also I need to add more fun and less business to our relationship. I know I can get to the point where it's gone from a fun time to a chore, and that's the last thing we need in our marriage. We're already overcome a huge hurdle that can easily break up a marriage and especially a new marriage. But it's so easy to get caught up in the tests, medicines, timed intercourse, and lose sight of the other person in this battle too. I'm done looking up fads and tricks to get pregnant fast. All it does it drive me nuts and cost me more money. I came across a wonderfully, powerful prayer through a friend a few days ago that I will pray everyday.

I thank you Father that Jesus has borne all my sickness and diseases
and carried all my pains away so by His stripes I am healed and made whole!
Therefore, in Jesus name ..... I bind Satan's power and hold over our wombs and our bodies.
I command ALL forms of sickness and disease to be removed.
I command infertility and the curse of barrenness to be removed in Jesus name!
I also profess according to the Word of God that ....
I have a blessed, prosperous, healthy and FRUITFUL womb!!
I command health into our bodies and I say "Body in Jesus name you are
to conceive and be pregnant!! Every part of you is to come in line with the Word of
GOD. You will function efficiently, the way you were created to be: fearfully and wonderfully made."
"I also pray for good solid attachment of my baby to the uterine wall,
and then for my baby to grow perfectly, be nourished, and protected for the full nine
months. I plead the blood of Jesus as a hedge of protection around the womb, protecting
my baby from all harm. I declare this in Jesus name as the Word says:
ask whatever you wish in Jesus name and it will be done!
I give you all the glory for my healing and for my baby.
Let it be done to me according to your Word!!

Monday, April 14, 2008

No Motivation, No Hope

I feel completely empty today. I'm on my last day of clomid for this cycle so hopefully my cranky mood will improve in a few days. But I feel so low today. I'm not even sure how to put it into words. I don't want to do anything but go home and go to sleep. I'm sad, but I don't even feel like using the energy to cry. It's less than 30 days until Madison's 2 year angelversary. And I'm 10 steps behind where I was this time last year. Last year I was preparing to travel to Nashville to participate in my 1st half marathon. I was going to meet a bunch of people I got to know online though weight watchers and we were going to have an awesome weekend. It had only been a couple of weeks since my miscarriage, but the workout schedule I was on helped keep me focused on something else besides my broken heart. But this year I have nothing, nothing at all. I feel like an empty shell of a person. I'm so bitter about most things. I decided not to schedule my procedure to check my tubes and such this cycle. I just don't feel like putting myself through that this month. I just want to be left alone as much as possible this month. I'll do the medicines like I did last cycle, but that's it.

I've gotten to the point where it makes me angry and jealous to hear about someone getting pregnant easily. Why do they deserve it? What have I done wrong to not deserve it? Rob told me about one of his co-workers leaving early for a doctors appointment last week. He said he knew she was pregnant even before she announced it. He thinks it's from being around me and my getting pregnant obsession. But I was pissed off to hear that. What the fuck did she do to deserve it? I don't care how good of a person you are. I'm not a bad person so why do I watch my dreams fade away every month?

I ordered my next set of supplies this weekend: a bunch of ovulation tests, some pregnancy tests, and some other stuff. The only reason I got the pregnancy tests was because it was a good deal. At this point I've lost my hope. This is probably my last cycle that would yield a child in our home this year. If I got pregnant this cycle I would be due around the 9th of January, but with my track record my doc would be working to get us to a delivery date about 4-5 weeks before my due date. If I could make it to 36 weeks I would be ecstatic.

Rob sent me an article about baby boosting diets. It's full of the usual eat this, don't eat that, take this vitamin, and don't wear those underwear. I just don't know what to believe anymore. Should I drink green tea, take aspirin or fish oil, eat lean red meat, take iron supplements, use egg whites, have sex in certain positions, or just relax and let nature take its course? Everyone has an answer to my problem, but which one is the right one or are they all right. I get tired just thinking about it.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

D and D: Welcome to Nerdom

I started playing D and D, Dungeons and Dragons, a couple weeks after Rob and I started dating. I was so against it at first because RPG, role playing games, are for weirdos and geeks. And I am neither. But I decided to give it a try once. Rob helped me roll up or create my first character, a studded leather wearing, tall muscular chic with long hair that went around carrying a 10 foot spiked chain. She was a fighter and Mistress of Chains named Jezzabelle. And once I got into the game and got some real combat, I was hooked. I loved playing someone that I could never be, but would love to be sometimes. I was an ass kicking adventurer that didn't care what anyone thought of her. I looked forward to our Friday night gaming sessions that usually lasted for 8 hours or more. It was a great release after a long, hard week at work. I got to spend my night with friends slaying monsters and bad guys while finding treasures. I got to know Rob's friends a lot more, and I got to know my future mother-in-law too. Yep, Rob's mom plays too!

But like most good things our Friday night sessions came to an end. People starting having other obligations like family, kids, and school so we met less and less. And eventually we disbanded the group. It's been almost 3 years since we played, and Rob has always held out hope that he could get the group back together one day. A couple of weeks ago he ran into info on the 4th edition of Dungeons and Dragons, and saw that there are going to be some great changes made in the rules and how the game is played. This lit enough of a fire under his ass to actually track down our party members. And as luck would have it almost everyone is in a place in their lives where they can and want to play again on a regular basis. We added a couple of new people to the group since 2 of our regulars are gone now.

I was considering resurrecting my old character, Jezzabelle, but I decided to create a new character. One reason was that Jezz was Level 13 or so when we stopped playing so she was hella cool! And I would have to revert her back to level 1. I just didn't want to go back to the beginning when she wouldn't have hardly any special abilities after playing her when she was the ubber bad ass chick. So I created a SoulKnife named Cialis. LOL! She's a fighter that can form weapons using just her mental abilities.

So last night marked the beginning of the new era of D&D for Spazz's campaign. It was slow going for a couple of hours because we have some people that feel the need to talk and talk and talk and talk about absolutely nothing! The main offender is the overly dramatic Paladin. Freaking idiot! He's the type to tell you every little detail that's he's doing. No one needs to know that he blinked or that he might want to sit down one day. But once the real action started it was fun. I can't wait until we play again in 2 weeks. Hopefully I'll get to kill a bunch of monsters and gain a level.

This concludes your daily dose of nerd talk. :)

Friday, April 11, 2008


I got an email yesterday inviting me to a meeting to help plan one of my co-worker's baby showers. It's for a guy that works under the same VP that I work for, but we're not close. We may exchange pleasantries while passing in the hallway, but that's about it. This will be he and his wife's first child. I'm not even sure why anyone thought it would be a good idea to put me on the planning committee. I guess it's been long enough according to some people for me to be over my "issue". I should resume the roll of the childless yet happy for everyone else young person. I should love to see everyone's baby and just ohhh and ahhh over them. I haven't been to a baby shower since 2000 or 2001. I don't even give off the illusion that I like to plan parties. Do people automatically assume that being a woman means that you like to plan showers? I doubt that I will even be able to attend. All too often the sight of the happy, blissful, unscathed preggo makes me sick to my stomach. It's probably all of the jealously eating away at me from the inside. So to save myself the pain I avoid things like baby showers. Maybe I'll take off work next Friday to make sure I'm not around.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

My sunshine

I feel like the walking dead today. I've been sick since last night and it's getting worse. I had no idea that the cycle after clomid would suck donkey balls. I've tossed cookies a couple of times today and had horrible cramps. The only thing that takes the pain away is a hydrocodone, and I can't take that at work. I was hoping to leave early, but nope I've got too many fires to put out here. I'm counting down the minutes until I can drug myself and crash like a ton of bricks. Rob has been trying to cheer me up via google talk all day. One thing he sent me made me cry in a good way. I'm so blessed to have married him. I love you, baby, with all my heart. He sent me the lyrics to an Ozzy song.

"Lay Your World On Me"

I know you think you're all alone
I haven't been there when you've needed me
I didn't deserve the love you gave
But now I'm telling you I'm here if you need a friend

Give me your pain
Give me your anger
Let me be your rock
I can be the pillar of strength that you need
I'll help you keep it all together
It's better late than never
Lay your world on me
I can take the weight

Don't let it twist you up inside
Time never fails to make the heartache stop
You've got to let those feelings go
I'll give you everything I can if you say the word

Give me your pain
Give me your anger
Let me be your rock
I can be the pillar of strength that you need
I'll help you keep it all together
It's better late than never
Lay your world on me
I can take the weight

We all laugh and we all cry
We all hurt the same inside
We all fall down and we lose faith in who we really are
But if we bend instead of break
The choice for us is to make it together
Lay your world on me

I'll help you keep it all together
It's better late than never
Lay your world on me
Lay your world on me
Lay your world on me
I can take the weight

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Nothing but negatives today

I had a shitty ass day today at work. I learned exactly what some people think about me, and the work I do. They will use me like a whore and then don't want to pay up. But enough about the job that doesn't appreciate me. I took a beta test yesterday afternoon, and right before I was about to call into my 100th conference call this week my doc's office called with my results. And you guessed it...NEGATIVE! Like we didn't see that one coming, but it still hurts. I still had some hope that the 1st test I took was right, that maybe somehow I was pregnant and that this was going to be our time. But I had a head full of doubts. My babies have always shown up on pregnancy tests especially digital tests. And it seems like my body was waiting to get the news to really let go. About the time that the doctor's office called my stomach starting cramping. By the time I got home I had started so today is Cycle day 1 all on top of everything else. Thanks a lot! So I'm sitting here cramping and I mean really horrible cramps while feeling so low. I'm so depressed and in a very dark place right now. I've wanted to cry all day, just go home and stay in a dark room and cry. But I'm so swamped at work that I can't even take some time away for myself. I had such hopes for this cycle. I thought clomid would make my body work the way it should and I would finally get pregnant again. I thought that I would luck out and avoid any more testing and procedures. I put so much hope into a drug it's absolutely devastating for my cycle to start. I can't even think of what our next step will be, but I know I have to. I have to because if I don't I'll be right here again next month, and I wouldn't have tried everything I could to make my dreams a reality. But for now I just want to rest and try to let go of this day.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

More tears and dashed hopes

I tested yesterday morning and got a faint positive. I made Robert come and look at it too because I thought I was seeing things. We were so happy, but after trying for so long I wanted to verify it since it was a faint positive. I thought I would just go pick up a digital test and everything would be fine. With my last 2 pregnancies I've always used a digital at some point because it's so reassuring to see the word Pregnant on a screen. I've taken 3 more tests at various times since then, one being this morning and they have all been negative. I've never, ever gotten a false positive. It just shakes me to think that my body has started a new form of betrayal as if I didn't have enough shitty ass luck. Robert wants me to test once more in the morning to be sure before we throw in the towel completely. And I will call my doctor tomorrow to see about coming in for a beta blood test also. I think that if I was pregnant then it would have shown up on one of those tests by now, but I don't want to stop taking my progesterone until I know for certain that I'm not pregnant. I've been so down and so upset the past 2 days. I've been crying all day today. I'm so tired. I feel like such a failure in something that a woman is born to do. I wonder if Maddie was a fluke. We were blessed with her after only 3 months of trying. She was so beautiful. I miss her so much. I long to make my parents into grandparents again, and to give Rob's grandparents the great-grandchild they long for. Everyday that passes they are getting older and no one lives forever though I wish they could. I dream of having another baby, but sometimes I can see my dreams slipping away. My heart hurts so much.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Another Prediction

I finally gave in and got a prediction from another one of the psychics that a lot of the girls on the message board have been using. It's only a couple of bucks and it's fun to have a little extra hope. Here's what I got today from Jennifer:

Hi Ashley,
Oh man! I hate to read stuff like that. It is so sad and I'm sorry that you have had to endure that pain and loss.
Your reading reveals that your next BFP news comes the month of May 2008. The baby shows as a boy and his EDD/birthdate is referenced the month of February 2009 (7th) and a C/S in January 2009 - (25th).

Interesting. I guess we will see who's right since I've gotten 3 different readings. 2 of them are in the same time frame, but showing different genders of babies. The 3rd one is a couple of months later. I hope someone is right because I'm ready to be a mommy again!

Friday, April 4, 2008


I've always wondered if I'm as transparent as I think I am sometimes. I've always shown my moods and what's going on inside of me via my appearance. I started dying my hair as soon as I could in high school. It went from dark brown to plum to jet black to reddish brown to blond. I've dressed like all different kinds of groups. In junior high, I was dressed like a "white girl" for about a year. I wore tight Wrangler jeans with boots, and I teased my hair or used a crimping iron on it. I wanted to rebel from everything that I knew. I had spent my whole life so far never feeling like I really fit in with the other kids so I decided to find a totally different group of people to hang out with. Kids always teased me that I acted like a "white girl" so why the hell not be one for real.

I kind of mellowed out from 8th until 12th grade. I accepted who I thought I was. I was Miss happy perky pep squad girl that had money. I dressed in the latest fashions ranging from Nike, Adidas, Gap, Girbaud, Cross Colors. You name it, I probably owned it. I loved clothes and accessories. I loved dressing up.

After graduation, I started dressing like a goth. I dyed my hair jet black and wore nothing but Jincos and leather spiked accessories. Once I graduated from high school I realized that I really didn't have much going for me. My whole existence had been my friends and my life in high school. Now I was alone since my friends were all going different directions, and college is a lot different than high school. I was angry and I was depressed so my appearance showed that as best as I could.

Once I started working a real job while in school I had to change my appearance yet again. I had to look like someone in a business office so I shed the leather and the huge jeans, and adopted polo shirts and khaki pants. I had gained a lot of weight and I was ashamed so I wanted to hide my body as much as I could. It took me a while to come out of that funk and shed some weight. I started to date and happier. I wanted to attract guys and I knew I couldn't looking like a dude. So I ditched the polo shirts for cute blouses and sexy clothes. I started getting my hair cut and wearing make-up again. I started to see myself as a working woman that was a sexy diva on her off days.

I changed myself again when Maddie died. I cut off my hair as short as I could stand it and died it light brown with blond highlights. I needed this change as a part of my mourning. I needed to symbolically do away with a part of me. My heart was broken.

I've reinvented myself so many times, but the soul has remained the same. I'm not even sure why I've always used my appearance as an indicator of my feelings. I don't think I'm done yet either. I know that I still have a lot of growing left to do.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Too Cute!

I've always wanted an orange cat like Garfield since I was a little girl. So orange cats always catch my eye. Rob sent me a link to this video. I'm in love!!!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008


I've always prayed as far back as I can remember, I've said my prayers. As I got older I stopped praying every night like I did as a child, and sometimes I would go for I don't know how long without praying. Once I started going to my current church, I started praying again. While I was pregnant with Maddie, I prayed a lot. And since Maddie died I've been praying a lot more. This cycle I started meditating along with prayer. It helps to just shut the world out and try to focus on God and me. The other day one of my online buddies told me about a saint she had run across in conversation with 2 totally different people.

St. Gerard, the patron saint of motherhood.

Saint Gerard Majella, the "Patron Saint of Motherhood," was born in 1726 in a small town in the south of Italy called Muro. Gerard was devoted to his widowed mother and he also devoted his life to God and helping others. His selfless help to others in various circumstances endeared him to all sorts of people. He entered the Congregation of the Most Holy Redeemer in 1749 and became a lay brother. He was a model of obedience and possessed extraordinary wisdom. He spent his life dedicated to helping the needy and the poor, being poor himself and having an understanding of the sorrows of the needy. He often gave away his earnings and his own food to the poor and those that came to him never left empty-handed. Sometimes how the food or money came to be there was known only to God and to Gerard. He was also known to have mystical abilities such as powers of prophecy, healing, bilocations, the reading of consciences, and so forth. He even predicted the day and hour of his own death. During his short life he helped many and performed many miracles. It seems that God had given him, in particular, the special power to help mothers in need. In life and since his death, he has helped so many women who have prayed to him during labor that he earned the nickname the "Saint of Happy Deliveries." Many mothers from all over the world have even named their child Gerard after him in gratitude, and have adopted him as their patron in the joys and fears of childbirth.

Saint Gerard had a short stay here on earth dying in 1755 at the age of twenty-nine from tuberculosis, but he left a legacy of hope and faith to God that keeps spreading by word of mouth from those familiar with his life story and by those just discovering his miracles.

So now I've added a nightly prayer to St. Gerard as I lay in bed before I go to sleep. Some may find it odd since I'm not catholic, but it's not like I'm sacrificing small animals or something I'm praying and there's nothing wrong with that.