Sunday, May 25, 2008

Tears and Black Hearts

My grandmother's funeral was yesterday. All the days leading up to it and even on the drive to the church it was just going to be another day. I didn't expect anything, but having to put up with my relatives that I don't see that much. I put in my Chris Tomlin cd and just listened to that as I sped down the highway to the funeral because we were running late. I really didn't want to be late. But by the time I got to parking lot of the church I was in tears. It finally hit me that I had allowed my hate and my hurt to hardened my heart towards anyone I felt had disregarded or disrespected my daughter. I've felt for so long that all I had left of Madison was her memory and anyone that didn't at least acknowledge that she had lived and died wasn't worth my time. My grandmother never mentioned anything about her. No I'm sorry, no nothing. So I decided that there was nothing left for me to say to her after that. The last 2 years of her life I saw her 2 times and we lived in the same city. How could I be so stupid? I call myself a Christian, and I've forgiven some people for not reacting the way I thought they should when my baby died. But I held my family to a higher standard than most. How could I deny forgiveness for my grandmother when I want God to forgive me for things everyday? How could I let my hurt blind me? Now it's too late to say I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry.

1 comment:

niobe said...

I have the same struggle with forgiveness. I so want to open my heart, but sometimes it remains stubbornly closed.