2011

With about 7 hours left in 2011, I am sitting in my recliner holding one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. My Bella is napping before heading to Nana's house for the night. I'm excited because it's been a few years since Rob and I have gone out for New Year's eve. It's hard to keep a marriage strong if you don't take time to nurture it. I am looking forward to 2012 and the chance to start anew. I've got a lot of big plans on the horizon and with God's help they will come to fruition. We're praying that 2012 will bring a close to Fuzzy's case and allow me to introduce him on here as my son.

So everyone be safe and see you next year!

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Hiding

It's been way too long since I've posted. I really should write more often to just release everything that's going on in my head and in my heart, but I end up burying things away under piles of work. It's easier to hide rather than face things. I spend most of my time away from work doing other things like cleaning, organizing, selling, basically anything that will keep me busy. Busy equals no time to think. I feel like my life is in a constant state of uncertainty. I've let myself go. I don't remember the last time I exercised or even really cared about what I eat. I cringe at the sight of myself in pictures. I need to get things back under control. I need to get myself on a real schedule and stop just flying like a leaf in the wind.

A few years ago I gave up on making resolutions and changed to setting goals for myself for the coming year. I think if I write them out here they will become more real to me. Some of my goals for 2012 are:

1. I will lose 20% of my body weight in 2012.
2. I will take time for me.
3. I will set-up automatic drafts into our vacation and Christmas savings accounts.
4. I will make time for a date at least once a month with my husband.
5. I will walk a mile or do some form of exercise at least 3 times a week.
6. Pay off more debt.
7. Take the kids outside to play more often.
8. Blog more
9. I will read at least 10 grown-up books in 2012.
10. I will participate in a group bible study.

Ok. It's out there, and now I will use my blog to keep track and keep myself motivated. Well, if I don't make it back here this weekend I wish everyone a happy and blessed new year. The best is yet to come!

Halloween 2011

We're alive and well for the most part. We took the kids to our church's Trick R Trunk. Fuzzy had a blast. Bella not so much. We found out that both of her ears are infected. I will hopefully get a change to really blog again soon. :)

Trippen

I'm going on my first business trip ever this week. My department is heading to Denver for a few days. I hope Rob and the kids will make it ok without me. I'm sad to leave my family, but excited to see a new city. Gotta make sure to take my computer so I can veg out on netflix in the evenings after being in meetings all day. Might as well take full advantage of my time away.

Guilt

I've really got to get better about updating my blog. It's not like I don't have anything to say. I have all loads of stuff I want to get off my chest, but I let life take me in other directions. I let my guilt of not being at home with Bella keep me off my computer most days except for Saturday night when I have to do my church overheads. I guess I expected it to get easier to as time went on, but it doesn't.

Friday she fell at daycare and bust her lip on the hard floor. It made me so sad to see her face messed up like that. I just kept thinking that if she had been at home that might not have happened. I still pray all the time that somehow we will come into some money so I can quit my job, and be her sole care provider. I worked so hard to get her here, and I have to drop her off with other people 5 days out of the week. I know that there are pros and cons to daycare, but dammit I don't care. She's my rainbow baby. She's brought joy to my life that I never knew I could have.

Yes, some of you are wondering why I didn't have the joy or the guilt that I have with Bella with Fuzzy. It's hard to admit, but even after 3 years I'm still guarded. He is my son, but that some stupid judge can change that in a matter of minutes. This judge doesn't see me as any more than a long term babysitter. To the courts, his mother is the person that would be proud if he joined a gang, sold drugs, and spent his life locked up. I mean nothing. But when it comes to Bella I am her one and only Mother. There is no one "above" me.

I hate that I feel this way. I am ashamed that I feel this way, but it's hard to remain a starry eyed optimist after all this time. It hasn't been as long as some kids are in the system. But damn everyone sees that this should have been over a long time ago. Our lives should be allowed some sort of normalcy.

Arabella is 1!

Arabella turned 1 last Thursday on September 1. She had a small party at her daycare. Then we took her and her big brother out for frozen yogurt and some time in the park that evening. Bella had her 1st taste of cake that day, and she loved it! We had a 2nd party that Saturday with friends and family. It was a ton of work, but it was worth it in the end. Somethings didn't work out as planned which pissed me off to no end, but I have to put that behind me. We baked and cooked and cooked. I planned and planned and shopped and shopped. I even decorated cookies which is so unlike me. I did what I set out to do which was give my daughter a nice party in celebration of her first year of life.

Next year's party will be something simple that I don't have to do anything but send out invitations and pay for it. LOL!

In the midst of all this partying, Robert and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary with a nice quiet dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. :)

Preparing

I’ve been busy planning Arabella’s first birthday party. I can’t believe that she will be 1 in less than 2 weeks. This year has flown by. It seems like I blinked and my little newborn was crawling around then all of a sudden she was standing. Then she just took off walking within a few days of standing on her own. Now she’s trying to run...wow. Sometimes I wish she would slow down and let me catch my breath.

This party is a departure from my norm of picking a “box theme” that I like and getting all the matching accessories. I wanted something unique for her. There is really only one theme that fits Bella perfectly and that’s princess. So I have been searching and designing everything I can think of for this event. It’s been fun stepping outside the box and being more domestic and crafty. I’ve actually been making things instead of just buying them online. Rob and I spent a couple of nights baking, making frosting, and decorating cakes and cupcakes. It looks so much easier than it is lol. Fuzzy has enjoyed eating my test cake. This weekend will be full of painting and constructing decorations. Plus I have to get the invitations printed and mailed off this weekend. We will be worn out by the time this is all over, but it will be so worth it.

Hello...again

Ok I fallen off the face of the blog-o-sphere again. But I'm back to catch everyone up. Bella is cruising everywhere and standing on her own. I think it won't be long until she's walking! It's been so exciting to watch her grow and develop. But I still get a little sad at how fast this year has gone. I'm planning her 1st birthday party now :(

I can't remember if I mentioned that Arabella won her first pageant back in May. She did great despite the sweltering heat since the pageant was outside! She was crowned Baby Miss Louisiana Southern Fried Festival :) It was fun, but I doubt that I will become addicted to pageants like several of the people I met that day. One little girl in her division was in a pageant every weekend for the next 3 months. WTH? That is so not my thing. We've also been doing a little modeling for boutiques on Face*book.

Fuzzy turned 3 years old yesterday. It's still hard to believe that he's been with us this long. He had a great time at his party with all his friends. We got him his first big boy bike with training wheels and his very own superhero costume. Plus a new cowboy hat which he is in love with. Lots of Toy Story stuff to help feed his addiction to those movies too.
We're still failing miserably in the potty training department. The boy is stubborn, and could care less that he's soaking wet or dirty. He's never said once that he needs to potty or even let us know he was wet. I want to get him in a Pre-K 3 program so badly to get him into a more structured learning environment, but we can't since he's not potty trained. Plus he's a bully which just makes things even worse at daycare. His teacher is a great person, and loves the kids a bunch. But she hasn't received any type of early educational training that I think he needs.

We went to court last week, and for the first time the judge seems to be fed up with the BM and her "issues". Hopefully we will be going back in August for another termination hearing. Praying that we can finally end this chapter of our lives.

I'm still battling with my weight loss or lack of weight loss. Everything that I've tried that has worked for me in the past isn't working now. Every time I get on the scale I just want to give up. Hell why am I not enjoying all the wonderful bad for you foods, and not getting a pay off? But I keep trying. I just want to get to a good weight so I can do all the fun things with Bella. I don't want her to remember her fatty mama. I want her to have a mama that can run and play with her.

Oh yeah and here's one of Bella's modeling pictures I took.

The Final Stand

My mind has been wandering for the past couple of days. Most of you won't understand why when I explain, but that's ok. On Sunday, we played Dungeons and Dragons like we do every other week. We have been playing with the same characters for a couple of years which I have never done before. Usually our characters last a few months at most. So over this time I have grown very attached to my character, Belle, and her back story.

Sunday was the climax of her story and her journey toward what I thought was one of her ultimate goals. I liken it to reading a series of books, and over time you are swept into the story. You feel a connection with the characters and how their story plays out. Then before you know it you reach the peak of the mountain, and sometimes you're left wondering where things will go from there.

Belle's story had all the ingredients needed for a good movie: Sad, lonely, beautiful girl meets handsome, strong, protective guy. They fall in love, but are torn apart because of evil bad guy trying to take over the world. Good guy turns bad and beautiful girl makes it her life goal to destroy now evil guy. Girl and guy meet again decades later, and have no choice but to fight to the death. Girl wins a bittersweet victory, and finds out more of the reasons why good guy turned bad. Girl accepts that she never stopped loving him, but it's too late now.

So now it feels like a chapter of my life is coming to an end. Our usual D & D group has gone and is going through a lot of changes with regular players moving away. I really hope that we will keep playing because I have never found anything else that challenges my imagination like Dungeons and Dragons. Video games just don't do it for me. I want my mind to be the limiter instead of a computer programmer. Plus I love the hanging out with friends playing and eating and BS'ing. I'm a paper RPG nerd and I love it!

Music

I’ve always loved music. I starting singing in choirs when I was 4. When I’m happy I love to listen to music. When I’m angry or sad, I need to listen to music. It invigorates me. It soothes me. It speaks to me when no one else can. I spend most of my day at work with my headphones on listening to music. I’m not a person that will only listen to 1 genre. I think good music can be found in most categories of music. I’m excited that both of my kids love music, and I plan to nurture that interest as they grow older. Be it through playing an instrument or singing or writing music. But it would be cool to have my child become the next Beethoven or Steven Curtis Chapman :)

Happy Birthday Princess

Today is our beautiful, firstborn daughter, Madison's 5th birthday. Today we celebrated her life, and what she means to us. Robert and I both took the day off to do things that we would have done with her. We went to see a cartoon movie, Hoodwinked Too. It was amusing. We ate a nice lunch then took balloons and flowers out to her grave. This evening we had snow cones and birthday cake. Bella even had her first taste of snow cone today in her big sister's honor :) It's been a pretty nice day.

It's still hard not to miss her, and think of what she would be doing now. We talked about how different our lives would be now if she was still here with us :( But everything that has happened, has happened for a reason. We will be together again one day.

We love you so much Madison! Happy Birthday!

Storms

Tuesday night scared the bee-gee-beez out of me. The wind started blowing and then it starting storming which wasn't that bad. But about 10 that night the hail started. Thank God that we have a carport now. Then I started hearing reports of tornadoes within miles of us coming our direction. We usually get tornado watches, but not warnings, and rarely actual ones that form near us. Both kids slept through the whole thing. I think Bella's time in the NICU has made her used to noises when when she sleeps. I ended up staying up much later than I normally do, and every sound I heard I was ready to run and grab the kids to hide in the bathroom. We only lost power for a few minutes which was great. The next morning we realized that a 12 foot section of our pine tree was ripped off and sent into our neighbor's driveway. I'm glad it didn't hit her car or house. So Rob spent part of his morning before he went to work hacking away at a tree so he could remove it from her property. I can't imagine living somewhere like Oklahoma where this happens all the time. I would be a nervous wreck. I know things could have been a lot worse, and I thank God that they were not. Everyone that has been affected by the storms are in my prayers.

Thankful

This morning as I was driving to work after dropping the kids off at daycare the DJ told a story about why one of the listeners requested that song to be played. The song was "Streets of Gold" by Needtobreathe. The listener wanted it because it reminds her of her 23 year old daughter that passed away last year suddenly. Her daughter was 35 weeks pregnant and started having difficulty breathing. They diagnosed her with primary pulmonary hypertension, and she was in heart failure. Her daughter had the baby by emergency c-section, and 18 hours later. She never saw her son, and left another young child without a mother.

I sobbed as I thanked God for allowing me to still be here. I know that my pregnancies could have ended a lot worse. I've read and I've been told by several doctors that I should have brain damage or worse after what happened when I was pregnant with my Maddie. I have no clear memories of that day. The stroke that happened that day at some point in between the seizures only left minimal damage. Thank God that my husband knew the sound and sign of a seizure over the phone, and raced home to save us. But after all that God kept me healthy enough to carry another baby to term without the need for any emergency intervention!

Five years after the fact I finally accept that Madison was never supposed to be with us on earth for any longer than she was. She was meant to be a perfect, untouched by the sins of this world angel. She was meant for so much more than we could realize back then. I still and always will dream of the day that I will see my eldest daughter again as beautiful and real as her little sister is to me today.

Nothing

It's been 3 weeks since we went to court, and we still haven't heard anything yet. I don't know why these weeks have bothered me so much when we've been waiting almost 3 years. I feel like we can't make any real plans for the future until this is resolved. We were talking about getting me a bigger car, but that can't happen until we know he's staying with us. The other parents are looking at pre-k 3 programs for their kids for the fall. I find myself not buying things for him that will take a few weeks to be delivered. I hope that a resolution comes soon.

Court

We won't know anything on Fuzzy's case for another 2 weeks probably. Sat in court for several hours until they told us to leave because Fuzzy was getting really aggravated being locked in a waiting room that long. They were so behind they didn't call our case until 5:30 that evening. After all that the judge still didn't make a decision. I am beyond pissed off at this point. We need a resolution.

Fuzzy was attached to his BM the whole time again. He didn't want to come home with us and was mad when we took him away from her. I really wish I knew what was going through his head sometimes. I don't know what changed in the last couple of months that made him love being with her when he has hated being around her for the past 2 years.

Denial

I've been telling myself that whatever happens tomorrow in court is God's will, and that I will be fine either way. Yeah, I've been lying to myself. I don't know what I would do without Fuzzy. We've been together too long to just let him go now. We're his parents, but we are completely helpless in this situation. I hate this...

You're a what...?

I just read an article where a woman was proud of her decision to be "part-time mother". WTF is that? How can a seemingly educated adult make the decision to have children, and then when it's not all roses and sunshine decide that it's too much. We all know where babies come from, and how to prevent them so why not get your tubes tied if you don't want kids? Or choose a long term birth control like an IUD?

I am exhausted most days with my 2 kids, but they are mine. I will never look back years from now, and realize that I didn't give them my all. I think that "part-time" mother is no mother at all. Maybe she should call herself a nanny or childcare provider.

So what if I can't travel the world at the drop of a hat. I knew that I was giving up somethings in life to become a mother. I am here to make my kids' lives better, and by being with me my kids have made my life better.

Busy Bee

I keep saying that I will do better. I will treat my old friend, my refuge, my soapbox better. I will visit more often. But literally life keeps making me push you aside. After working all day, I try to come home and be a good mother and wife which leaves little to no time for my blog. It still bothers me that I have Bella in daycare, and not home with me so when I’m home I just want to give her as much of me as I can. I’m still partially breastfeeding, and it’s been a struggle. My medications for my blood pressure make my milk production low. I’ve tried every supplement and technique I’ve come across. It’s frustrating to say the least, but I keep going for Bella. I’ve longed for a living child of my own for so long that I will do everything in my power to give her the best.

She’s 6 months old now, and I still can’t believe it. It really does seem like yesterday I was organizing her room waiting for her arrival. Now she’s trying to crawl. She’s such a loving child. One of her favorite ways to relax is to lay in my arms with her hand stroking my face. She does the same thing with her Daddy just with his beard. She looks so much like Robert it’s funny. But she’s got my attitude and facial expressions.

Fuzzy has become a much better big brother. He’s always trying to bring her toys to her, and when she cries he’s calling for mama and daddy or telling her it’s ok. She loves to watch him run around and play.

Well, time to get back to other things, but I promise I'll be back later.

Miss Bella

31

Today I turned 31 years old...wow. It's been a rather low-key birthday. I worked all day, and just went to lunch with a couple of friends from work. In our new parent/teething baby stupor, Robert forgot it was my birthday until mid-morning. I had lots of friends on face*book send me happy birthday wishes which was great. I'm hoping to get a chance to have a date night this weekend, but we will see if we can find a babysitter. If not that's ok because I already have the greatest gift I could hope to have, and that's my healthy daughter. Arabella is the perfect everyday gift.

A lot has changed in the past year. This time last year, I was early in my pregnancy and still not sure how things would turn out. And now I'm a mother of a 4 almost 5 month old. Wow. All I can really say is thank God for another year.

Still Waiting

We went to court on Tuesday only to find out that the judge wasn't there. There was another judge filling in for her, but he refused to make a TPR ruling on a case that he had not been involved with. So now we have to wait until March to hopefully get termination granted. This hearing was stressful because Fuzzy was very clingy and didn't want to have anything to do with anyone but us. He met his bio father for the first time, and that didn't go well either. His worker said he just cried for us the whole 10 minutes he was there.

I'm updating about our delay with a heavy heart for my friend Angie. They went to court today, and their foster daughter is being sent home soon. I know all too well that pain, and I wish that they didn't have to go through that. I just don't understand why "in the best interest of the child" is just words and not actions.

Still Here

It's been a while, but time seems to fly by now. Christmas has come and gone. Now we're preparing to go to court on Tuesday for TPR. I'm starting to get nervous, but we knew this day was coming. I know nothing is certain until we sign the papers and a judge declares him ours.

Christmas was busy, but nice. Both kids got lots of wonderful gifts, and we were blessed to spend the holiday with both of them. It's hard to believe that this time last year I had given up having a baby until we could save up enough for more fertility treatments. And just a year later we have a beautiful 4 month old daughter that is ours with no strings attached. I thank God everyday for her.Bella has been sick with RSV for the past week or so. She's much better now, but still on lots of breathing treatments. We're glad that we caught it early enough that she didn't have to be hospitalized.

Tomorrow will most likely be a snow/ice day here. We've been having ice/sleet/snow all day long today, and the temperature has been dropping. They are predicting it to get worse overnight. The local schools are closed so my daycare will be closed too. So mama will be home tomorrow with the kids. Praying that Rob's office is closed too so I won't be alone all day. Fuzzy is quite the handful.

Here are some pictures of the kids over the holidays.