Thursday, September 27, 2007

Please read and help

I don't usually ask people for much of anything. But I just found out about the problems going on concerning Guatemalan adoptions. Families that are already in the process of adopting a child could lose that child forever to the foster care system. These are families that love and have bonded with these children. I have a friend that is in the process of adopting a beautiful baby boy. They are so close, and it just breaks my heart to see anything possibly jeopardize him being brought to his forever home here in the U.S. My friend and her husband have had enough losses in their life. And as so many of us know losing a child is a loss you wouldn't wish upon anyone. So please visit this site and sign the petition. Thanks.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Back to my therapy

Every time I hear "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting
Crowns I have to stop and just listen to the words.
I have to just let the music take over my mind.
Sometimes it soothes me, sometimes I cry, sometimes
I just smile. This song means so much to me. It
helped me heal. It brought me out of the darkest
pits of hate, anger, and despair. After
Madison died I decided that I was done with God.
He had his chance to redeem himself after
taking away my sister, and he had failed miserably.
What the hell had I done to deserve this living
nightmare? I was no saint, but I was a good
and faithful Christian. I went out into the world
and spread his word. I volunteered and helped
the needy. I spent tons of my free time working
to make sure our Sunday services were meaningful
and beautiful.
And this is how he shows me his love by stealing
my baby as I lay near death in a hospital bed.
I kept most of my feelings to myself.
Especially to most of my visitors because they
were my friends from church. I didn't breathe a word of my anger.
I didn't tell anyone that I was planning on
quiting my church and the God that
had hurt me so much.

But one night on the way home from grabbing some
McDonald's I felt the urge to pop in
a CD. The one I found in the darkness was
Casting Crowns. The next thing I knew that
song was filling my car, my head, and my
broken heart. I began to cry and beg God for
his forgiveness for blaming him and for being
angry at him. Little did I know, but that
night my heart started to mend. I went back to
church that week, and I've been there
ever since. I asked a good friend to learn this
song for me and sing it one Sunday. It
was only fitting since he sang at my wedding
that he should sing this song for my baby
and me. It's not an easy song to sing vocally
nor emotionally. But he did it and I'm still
thankful for it to this day. It was therapeutic
to put the overhead slide show
together for it. I tried to convey all the
emotions and sadness that I had been
feeling into pictures. I remember my pastor Weldon
telling me 2 years ago as I sat in his
his office crying about my sister being brain dead
that "It's OK to get angry with God.He understands
that. But the problem comes when we stay angry with God."

I was sure by now That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper
through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands
and praise the God who gives
and takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

Every tear I’ve cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side

And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper
through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands
and praise the God who gives
and takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Casting Crowns
2005 Word Music, LLC

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Spring cleaning a few months late

I'm sitting here in my computer booth at church cleaning out my email folders because I work a lot faster than the band can practice. I ran across an email dated 12/27/05 from Baby Center with the title: My Pregnancy This Week-- 4 weeks. Most people would probably delete it, but I can't. That email was about Madison. We had just found out that I was pregnant 2 days earlier on Christmas morning. That was the best day of my life. I remember getting up before dawn and trying not to wake Robert. I had already tested a few days earlier and gotten a negative so I didn't think I was pregnant. But I still held out a little glimmer of hope for my very own Christmas miracle. So I took the test and tried to pass the time by reading a magazine. Then I looked out the corner of my eye to the test sitting on the counter, and I could swear I didn't see a Not on the screen. I picked up the test and began to cry. I was so excited that I burst through the bedroom door and took a flying leap onto a sleeping Robert screaming "We did it! We did it!". He's half asleep and confused so I yell "I'm pregnant!". At that moment he kisses me and starts to cry. I knew in my heart I was going to have my little girl, my Madison, that we had dreamed about so many months before. Those are such happy memories that I want to keep them all. I even have the positive pregnancy tests in Madison's memory box. I don't want to ever forget anything about my daughter. I will cherish her memory forever.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Madison and Ella

Every time I see 2 butterflies I think of Madison and Ella. Ella is the daughter and angel of my friend, Mesa. I always pray for Mesa around the 18th of month because that's when Ella got her wings. Even though I lost Maddie almost a year before Ella was born, Mesa has helped me deal with so much. I reached out to her a few days after Ella died in the hopes that I could help in some way and we ended up helping each other. In the midst of grief and sorrow, I gained a friend. That's why I know that Maddie and Ella are together in heaven laughing and playing and sending us tons of hugs and kisses.

I Would Die For That

This video had me in tears today. It's so true, but you'll never truly understand it until it's become your life. What if Madison was my one chance?

Monday, September 17, 2007

I Will Try

I ran across this poem on a message board tonight while I was looking for more info on trying to conceive. It really hit home with me. I know that I've lost most of my patience and it gets shorter and shorter every month someone I know gets their dream and I don't. Lord, please bless me with patience to allow your will to be done.

The Wait Poem
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said,"Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?"
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".

Thursday, September 13, 2007

The Dance

I ran across this song today and immediately remembered the special times with Maddie. I remember being goofy one night at home alone doing the electric slide and feeling Maddie kick and move. Or laying in bed reading her Dr. Suess's "All the Places You Will Go" and knowing she had gone to sleep only to wake up and kick me when I stopped reading. I love you my feisty little kicker.

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


Most people get a bad image in their minds when then hear about someone's in-laws. But I was blessed to get the one thing I wanted since I was a little girl when my brother got married. I got a big sister. I may have already been a grown-up when I met Sherina, but it didn't matter. She was the sister I had dreamed about for so long. It was so easy to see why everyone that came into contact with her loved her. It's hard for me to type this and it's been 2 years since she passed away. September 5, 2005, just 2 days after our wedding, I found out the fight was over. We had prayed so much that week before for God to wake you up and bring you back. You were supposed to stand beside me as I got married just like I stood beside you just 2 years earlier. I still don't understand what happened. There is so much I want to say, but the tears keep getting in the way. Sherina meant so much to me that I gave my daughter her name. I wanted Sherina's legacy to live on forever. The day Madison was born I was so sick and so out of it, but some things I remember so clearly. I remember seeing Sherina in a long white dress standing at the foot of my bed as I held Maddie. She just smiled at me. I was so happy to see her again, but I was focusing all I had on my little girl. I knew in my heart where Maddie was going and I knew Sherina would take good care of her for me. "Life made us made us friends."

A Big Step

I actually went over to see a co-worker's 1 month old baby today. She brought him by the office, and I was able to go over and look at him. Usually I pretend to not hear what's going on or mysteriously have to run a errand upstairs to avoid the baby and new mommy. But not today. I was afraid as I was walking over there with Jana, but when I got there I was ok. My heart didn't fall apart like it usually does. I didn't want to curl into a ball and cry for days. I didn't feel like people were looking at me to see if I'm going to crack because there's a baby there. I was simply ok. I could actually smile and not have to force myself. I'm not saying that I won't cringe when I see pregnant woman or get jealous when I hear about other people's babies doing what my baby should be doing now. But I'm ok.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Back to the Real World (This is a long one)

I'm back at work now after being off for a week. Our anniversary trip was great. We had so much fun, and I hated to come back to little old Monroe. I love Dallas! There's so much to do and to see. There's actually culture there. I'm actually working on getting a job there. I think that I will really be able to advance my career in that town. But back to the trip.

We left Monroe after dropping the dogs off at Rob's parent's house at 7 Saturday morning. We met up with my brother, Corey, his girlfriend, Janet, her son, Alex and his friend, Connor at my brother's apartment in Plano. We all loaded in my bro's SUV and headed to Six Flags. We had a great time. My throat was sore from screaming my head off so many times. My favorite conquest for that day was the foot-long corn dog and curly fries! Our last ride was the Texas Giant which is a huge wooden roller coaster. OMG! That ride was so rough it left with bruises on my legs. A lot has changed in the 8 years since I last went to Six Flags. My body just doesn't appreciate being shaken like a rag doll.

We were so tired after driving for 5 hours and then being at Six Flags for 6 hours I just wanted to get a bath and crash. But Janet's family was having a party that night. A lot of her family was in town
from Columbia and they really, really wanted to meet us. So we got to the party at 10 PM and stayed until 3:30AM. I had a blast!!! There was so much food and booze. Every time you turned around someone was handing you a shot. Her family is the liveliest bunch of people I've ever met. Even though we couldn't understand the words of the music or a lot of conversations we still felt at home. The food her aunt made was amazing. And there was tons of it. My favorite were the fresh empanadas and ceviche. Yum!!! It was wonderful to really let my hair down and just party. I really want to learn to speak Spanish now so next time we will have even more fun.

we slept late and just chilled out. Rob and I drove to a great sushi place, Sushi Sakana, and had some amazing rolls. Their tempura plate was so good! It had shrimp, sweet potatoes, broccoli, mushrooms, and onions all fried in my best fattening friend, tempura! My favorite was the rainbow roll and a huge foot long roll that had crab,shrimp, avocado, tuna, and tempura. The calamari roll was delicious. I'm getting hungry again just thinking about the yummy fresh fish. This place was wonderful because it was small and cozy with great service. The rest of the day we just chilled out around the house. Rob and I played Magic for a couple of hours and then went for some take out late that night.

Monday we went shopping at the Asian Market and then hit the outlet mall in A
llen. That place was amazing. I love, love, love outlets and this place was full of the best. We hit Farberware for lots of kitchen goodies, Nike, Adidas, Carters, Reebok, and too many more to mention. Then we went to Sam Moon which was great. I love jewelry and that place is full of it! We both got some cute picture frames for our desks at work to put Maddie's picture in. Mine looks like a rocking horse with teddy bears and the top of the frame has a pink bow with Sweetheart written above it. That evening we checked into our hotel which was more gorgeous than the pictures online. We've never stayed at a 4 or 5 star hotel before so this was a new experience for us.

The restau
rant we originally planned on eating at was closed on Labor Day, but we didn't know that until we went there. So to avoid just wandering around looking for somewhere we ate at the Bistro in the hotel. OMG! That place was not what we would call a bistro. We were thinking casual place with simple meals. But boy were we wrong. It was a beautiful, classy, elegant 4 star place. I had the some of the best food in my life. My steak in a burgundy sauce was delicious. The calamari with lime ranch dipping sauce was so good. Robert had salmon topped with jump lump crab meat covered in a hollandaise sauce. So our 2nd choice place ended up being a great decision.

Tuesday we decided to keep it low key. We got up late and walked to a small Thai restaurant I had found a review for online called Tuk Tuk Asain Cuisine. The prices were great and the so was the service. I've always wanted to try Pad Thai, but it's kind of hard when there are no Thai restaurants in your town. So I got seafood Pad Thai after I asked the waitress what was included in the seafood. She said shrimp, scallops, and crab. But what I got was shrimp, scallops, squid, and mussels. Um No! I hate mussels especially on the half shell. I tried to eat it, but all I could taste were the mussels. So my sweetheart traded meals with me. He loved mine and I loved his beef and peppers dish.

Then we walked t
o the Dallas Art Museum. That place is huge! I've never been to a museum that amazing in my life. We were there for hours and still didn't get to see everything. We plan to go back in the future. Rob especially enjoyed himself since he's an artist. He laughs at me because I'm always finding other pictures within the abstract paintings. One of the sculptures that I was especially attracted to was a tumba or shrine figure of a woman kneeling with a child at her knee.
These figures usually serve as the guardian of the grave of important people in the village. They think the figure was of a mother that had lost a child. Her eyes were made of a reflective material that made it look like she's looking at you, but also looking into another world. I could see her pain in her face. I have those same eyes now. I've been looking beyond this world for what seems like a long time now.

My brother took us to dinner that night to a nice Mexican restaurant in downtown Dallas. We really enjoyed it there since they had items on the menu that you don't typically find. I had shrimp and crab enchiladas. Yummy.

Wednesday we slept late and had a nice lunch in the Texas Roadhouse grill in the hotel before we checked out. We visited one the aquariums in town before we got on the road. I got to see a 130 year old alligator snapping turtle along with lots of other turtles. I love turtles if you haven't figured that out yet. Our trip home was nice except being stuck in traffic outside of Killgore, TX for over an hour due to a 6 car wreck on the bridge. I don't think anyone was hurt, but it took forever to get the road cleared for traffic to continue.

Once we got home we just bummed around the house for the rest of the week which was a nice end to our holiday. If you want to see the rest of pictures I took on the trip here's the link.