Friday, April 25, 2008

Where have I gone?

It's a little over 2 weeks until Madison would have been 2 years old. We should have a rambunctious toddler running around our house. Yet all we have is the noise from a TV, dogs barking, and turtle tank filters running water. I still can't believe that 2 years have passed and we're still childless. I never imagined that at 28, I'd be struggling with infertility. It was so easy to get pregnant with Madison. It only took us 3 months of trying to get her. But now it's been 2 years since she went away, and we've got nothing to show for it but a memory box on a shelf. There's only so much you can do for your child when you're the mother of an angel. You can make sure that people don't forget she was here. You can visit her grave and put out flowers, pinwheels, flags, hearts, balloons. You can make her a website in her memory. You can think about her everyday. But you can't hold her. You can't play with her. You'll never see her eyes or her smile. You'll never hear her call you mommy. You can only dream of the day when you'll get to see her again. We were so close yet so far away.

I'm still trying to decide if I will participate in my local March of Dimes race on the 3rd of May. I've designed a shirt in Madison's memory to wear if I go, but my opinion of the race changes from day to day. I wish that there was a Preeclampsia walk somewhere near us because I would do that in a heartbeat. The Preeclampsia Foundation is near and dear to my heart. I want to help them find a cure for this disease. Madison was premature and for no other reason, but to save my life. I got plenty of medical care from the very beginning. I started taking my prenatal vitamins months before I got pregnant. I didn't smoke or drink. She was born to early because of preeclampsia. I know in my heart if I hadn't gotten that disease at all or at least late in my pregnancy, Madison would be here with us now. So it's natural that I'm more involved with the PE Foundation than March of Dimes. Everyone knows the March of Dimes and everyone gives to them. Yes, they do give some to the PE Foundation, but finding a cure to a disease that touches tens of thousands of women and babies a year costs a lot of money.

I've helped the March of Dimes for years especially after my goddaughter was born 6 weeks early back in 2002. I was so thankful for the advances in medicine that helped save her life, and make her the beautiful little girl she is today. But once Madison was born and died I didn't want anything to do with them. They didn't save her. They pissed me off sending me a survey asking about my prenatal care and my lifestyle since my baby had died about 3 weeks after the fact. I didn't respond so they sent 3 more over the course of a couple of months. I hated seeing the fundraising posters around work with the babies that were no bigger or older than Maddie, but now they are happy and healthy because of the MOD. I was jealous. I still am. It depends on the day how I feel about them.

I'm not sure how I feel about a lot of things anymore.

1 comment:

mesa said...

you don't have to feel a certain way. just follow your heart. I know you miss Maddie and that will never change. You WILL see her and hold her again someday and I know that doesn't make anything better now.