Tuesday, April 28, 2009


I found this video earlier today while I was feeling so low because yet another cycle has gone down the drain. My little cousin that I used to babysit is having a baby next month, and I'm still fighting a war that I can't seem to win.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Growing Up

Fuzzy is toothless no more. This past weekend he got his 1st tooth and then a day later his 2nd tooth broke through. So he has his 2 bottom front teeth. It's so cute. I still haven't been able to get a picture of them since he's always hiding them with his tongue. My little baby has gotten so big, so fast. He's still doing a combo of commando scooting and crawling, but he can get anywhere he wants quickly now. He's pulling himself up all the time too. It's awesome getting to watch him develop. In our meeting with his CW on Monday we got some fairly good news. So everyone please keep praying for us that Fuzzy will get to stay with us forever.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


Things are still going about the same as they have been. L is still crying every time I come get her. She still avoids me if she can and doesn't speak to me at all. The daycare says that she eats well, drinks her milk, and is starting to talk to them. Yep, she's doing everything that we have to battle her for at home without a problem at daycare. I'm glad that she's opening up more, but it's frustrating that those changes are not making their way home.

I talked to the foster parent that will be doing respite for us while we're in TX this weekend. She sounds like a nice person, and has been a foster parent for several years. They are in the process of adopting 2 of their foster children so they can only do respite at this time. Rob and I will take L over there Thursday evening so that we can get on the road bright and early Friday. I think she will enjoy herself over there because there will be other kids that are roughly the ages of her siblings. My boss and co-workers are giving me a hard time for leaving her, but I really need a break from all the issues. We need some enjoyable time. Our marriage needs this trip. So I refuse to let them make me feel bad about my decisions. No one truly knows until they have lived your life.

I'm looking forward to Thursday because I'm only working half a day, and then I'm heading to Rain the Salon and Day Spa! I haven't been there in ages because money has been kind of tight so luxuries had to be put aside. But now things are going better and I'll be taking better care of myself. I've got an appointment for a cut, color, and spa pedicure. I haven't had a pedicure since my wedding day. I'm so excited! Well, the kiddos have been in bed for about an hour and it's time for me to go too.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Rob's aunt recently experienced a tragedy last week. I talked to her on Facebook a couple of days ago and she told me what happened. Her hubby's nefew and his family has been living with her for a few months to get back on their feet. On Good Friday, she was babysitting their kids. The 4 month old baby boy choked on his spit-up. They administered CPR, but the little angel didn't make it. Rob's aunt is blaming herself for this accident. But we all know that it was an accident that's no one's fault. She tried to save him. But I know how you will blame yourself for things that were out of your control. I told her I would pray for her and their family. Rob wants to go visit his aunt and uncle this weekend to give them some support. But I just can't go over there. I'm not in a place right now that I can walk into a situation like that. We have no idea if the family is still living with them or not. And it's no way to go over to offer the aunt support and not run into the grieving parents and siblings. How could you offer her support and sympathy without doing the same for the parents? All I can do is pray for them. I think that's the best thing that I can do.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


I'm considering giving up on this placement with L. Things are not good. I'm so unhappy. I dread the clock hitting 5 PM because I know I have to go pick up the kids and go home. She fights me on everything. Even the simplest things are a battle if I'm involved. Her CW does seem to care, and probably won't until I call and tell her she has to find somewhere else for L to live. I don't understand why anyone would think it's ok for a child to fight, cry, and scream at her primary caregiver as long as she's attaching to other people. WTF does her attaching to everyone else have to do with her main home life? This situation is stressing out my marriage. Today like always she cried and screamed when I came near her at daycare. One of the workers carried her to the car and tried to bribe her with some chips and a doll to stop crying. We had to go by my parents' house after work so Rob could work on their computer. L screamed and cried when my mom spoke to her. My mom just kept trying and gave her a teddy bear. She finally warmed up a little to her, but she never did with my dad. She screamed, cried, and kicked every time my dad even entered the room. So at least I'm not the only person in the world that's not her favorite.

We've decided to get respite care for L when we go to Dallas next weekend. We both want an actual vacation, and know that would be impossible with her. I'm giving it another week or so to improve at least a little bit before we admit defeat. I know that all placements are not meant to be, but it's still hard to give up.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Time for a Change

I've been doing a lot of complaining the past few weeks, and I'm tired of only seeing negative things on my blog. So today will be a trip down memory lane for me. I pulled out my MP3 player the other day and charged it up to take to work. I've been sitting at work listening to a huge range of music that spans too many genres to count. A song came on that I haven't heard in a while and it immediately made me think about my best friend from school, Sarah. The song was "Sex and Candy" by Marcy's Playground, and the year was 1998, my senior year in high school. Sarah started out being a friend of a friend that I re-introduced to that year. We hit it off instantly and were inseparable ever since. We were a pair of crazy ass, Newport smoking, loud mouth, alcohol loving, ghetto acting bitches. We brought out the best and the worst in each other. She's my sister from another mother. Sarah drove a big old F-150 with no heat or air. That truck had so much junk in the cab you would expect to find a dead body buried under it one day.

I remember dropping my date for Homecoming to hang out with Sarah because she got dumped. We spent that night watching old movies, eating junk food, and reading her mom's copy of The Joy of Sex. LOL! Sarie effed up and didn't get to graduate with us, but that didn't stop us from celebrating together anyway. As soon as the ceremony was over we were back together again hanging out all night. College took us in seperate directions for a while. Sarah went the band/party route and I went the school/work route. But no matter what direction our lives went in we managed to stay close. We were right there when one of us needed the other.

When Sarah got pregnant, I was there the whole time. It was a hard pregnancy, and we thought we might lose her. But mom and baby made it through wonderfully even though Danielle was born 6 weeks early. I was Sarah's Maid of Honor and she was my Matron of Honor. I'm Danielle's godmother. And one day Sarah will get to be my child's godmother. Life is keeping us both busy and we don't see each other much, but I know that I would drop everything to be by my sister's side and she would do the same for me.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Things haven't gotten much better yet, they are probably worse. L talked to her mom last night, and cried the whole time. I didn't expect it to go well, but the CW was fine with the mom calling the kids to talk to them sometimes. L's mom asked me if I would meet her today to get the antibiotic ointment that L needs for the ringworm, and so she could see her for a little bit. I initially said yes, but after some thinking and sleeping on it I decided that wasn't a good idea. L was a wreck after her visit, and I didn't want to deal with that in Wal-mart and for the rest of the day while I have the kids alone for the day. I did tell her mom that I would take some pictures of her in her Easter frocks, and send them to her Tuesday for her visit.

Wednesday, we took L to the doctor for her physical. Rob was there for a couple of hours of the wait, but had to get to work before we were done. It took us 3 hours to get her physical done because we didn't have any of her Medicaid info. Her mom was claiming that she didn't have the cards. It took the doctor's office a while to locate her info and get a referral faxed over from her previous doctor that's in another city. L cried several times during the exam, but wouldn't let me comfort her at all. Then I dropped her off at daycare before I headed back to work for the rest of the day. Rob's parents came over that evening and like always L ran to Rob's dad even though she has never met him in her life. She smiled and played with them the whole time until bedtime. I make Rob do bedtime so that he can deal with her screaming sometimes, and like always she threw a screaming fit but even bigger than usual because we had visitors.

Yesterday, we got to leave a little early from work so I used that time to run up to the church to put my overheads on the computer for maundy Thursday service and for Good Friday. I gased up the car, and dropped off L's prescriptions. I talked to the pharmicist about the medicaid situation because I just knew that the numbers the CW emailed me were not right. They look nothing like Fuzzy's medicaid number. I'm not sure what the hell the CW sent me even though she claims that they are right. So we didn't get the prescription filled because the pharmacy has to try to talk with medicade to see if they can give them the correct number. WTF? More running around wasting time doing stuff that the CW should be doing.

Today, we've had a house of crying babies. Fuzzy is in a bad mood since his teeth/gums are bothering him again. I've medicated him and been loving on him when I can. I'll be glad when his teeth finally break through. L is alternating crying/humming/ and trying to destroy the house every time I turn my back. I put her down for a nap and she cried like usual, but at some point while she was in her room she took it upon herself to tear things up. The room was a wreck when I got in there because she had gone through the closet and her dresser pulling stuff out and opening packages. I just don't know. I try to play with her, but she just looks at me and stares at me. So when I don't play with her she may play alone for a little bit, but then I will look up and she's staring at me. I just don't know what to do. I'm counting down the hours until I can go to church tonight. There is no way I could spend every day at home with these kids, I would lose my mind. Thank God for the nursery!!! I need a day off, alone to just focus on me. Huhhhhhhhh....

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Still Trying

It's been almost a week since L came to live with us, and I'm not sure if this is going to work. She prefers everyone and anyone over me. She has actually run up to a stranger and jumped in their arms and just smiled. I have to ask her and sometimes beg her to even come to me unless we're alone. And if we're alone it's a crap shoot whether or not she will cry the whole time. WTF? I haven't done anything to her that I can think of, but no matter how hard I try nothing helps. I'm human and I can't help but get my feelings hurt by her rejection. The first few days she wouldn't let me out of her sight, and now she acts like she wishes I wasn't even here. I've decided that I will give it a few more weeks to see if things improve, but if they don't then I guess I'll have to let her CW find her somewhere to stay. I hate to even think about quiting on her, but maybe there is something about me that brings up a bad memory for her. And since she's so young and doesn't really talk there's no way to really know. But I know that I wouldn't want to live with someone that scared me, so I'm not going to do that to her.

Monday, April 6, 2009


It's about time one of the best metal bands ever finally got what they rightfully deserve. Metallica FINALLY got inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this past Saturday. Metallica has been a part of my life for a long time, and a big part of my relationship with Rob. Our first trip together was to one of their concerts. "Our song" is "Sabbra Cadabra" by Metallica. We danced to "Nothingelse Matters" at our wedding. And Madison was conceived with Metallica's Black album playing in the background. LOL...that was probably TMI wasn't it. But anywhoo I love this band, and I'm glad that their greatness has finally been recognized! Rock On!

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Small Steps

Today was our first time since we got L to take her around a bunch of people since we visited the daycare for a few minutes on Friday. I got up at 7 to go by the church to put my overheads on the computer for the 9 and 11 services. I got back home a little after 8 to a screaming banchie of a child while the rest of the house was sleeping through it. So I got Fuzzy up, changed, and bottled. L woke up while I was doing that so I fixed us both some breakfast too. After everyone was fed and playing, Rob woke up. We got everyone ready for church. Fuzzy and L both went to the nursery, but only Fuzzy stayed. L was holding on to us and started to cry as soon as we got about 3 feet away from her. It was just easier on everyone to take her with us to church since I didn't want to burden the girls in the nursery with a crying, scared child that was actually too old to be in there. L should be in an actual class, but I know she's not ready for that. Church went pretty well. We only had to have the "don't touch that button, don't touch anything on the computer, don't touch anything other than the chair you're sitting in and the paper/pencil I gave you to play with" talk about 6 times throughout the service. L didn't really care for all the people talking to her, but hopefully that will improve with time. I'd love for her to be able to run and play with all the other kids her age.

Since L didn't survive the nursery we decided to play it safe and have Rob's mom come over to our house to babysit her and Fuzzy while Rob and I went back to church for drama practice. No fear...I'm not acting in the play. I'm doing my usual overhead function and Rob is running the spotlight. L did good with Rob's mom so at least she's warming up to people other than us. Fuzzy was already in bed by the time we got home. I fixed L some dinner since Rob's mom didn't feed her. I can't blame her because she didn't know that L will either not answer questions or she will say no to most of them. So when she asked L was she hungry she said no.

L has really gotten attached to Rob, and he's really good with her. She's always wanting to be with him and for him to hold her. So I've been taking more care of Fuzzy and taking a back-up roll with L making sure she's fed, clean, and stuff like that. I know it's wrong, but I find myself being jealous of their relationship sometimes. I'm jealous because my heart is screaming that this should be my husband playing with our daughter. But no our daughter is dead. She never got to play with her daddy. I would have died for her, but yet there are people that can have a kid as easy as 1+1 and throw them away. It's hard sometimes. People keep saying that we're so good for doing this, but then at the same time I'm wondering how much more of this can I take. I want to help the kids, but at the same time my helping is hurting my heart.

Saturday, April 4, 2009


Day 2 in Tinyville:

We all slept pretty well last night, and got up around 9 the next morning. I tried to get L to eat, but she won't eat anything but the apple juice I keep giving her. I guess that's better than nothing. We were running late getting Fuzzy to daycare, and his BM was early for her visit. The 1 freaking time she's early would be the day were really late. Ughhhhh! The daycare called us, and I told them Fuzzy would be there soon and to tell his birthmom to shove it. I knew they wouldn't tell her that part.

After dropping Fuzzy off, we had to go to wal-mart to shop for L. It took us a grand total of 4 hours to get the shopping trip done. 1 of those hours was us waiting for the social worker to bring her slow ass there to pay for all the stuff we had to get L. But I'm proud of myself, I got her a ton of cute clothes and managed to stay within the allotted amounts.

When we got home, Rob and I started back working on the spare bedroom so we could move L in there that night. It took us a couple of hours, but it was ready for her to stay in that evening.

After we finished that I tried to get L to eat one of the little toddler meals I grabbed at walmart. She ate pretty good so I was happy that she was at least eating some food. I gave her a bath after dinner which was a big fiasco. I let L sit and play in the water for a while before I started actually bathing her. I had to change the water because she was so dirty. Then I started on my major project, her hair. She screamed and screamed when I wet her hair. But I had to get it washed. It was so tangled and matted. She finally calmed down a few minutes after I finished. I got her into her new PJs before tackling her hair again. I found a huge sore and ringworms. Fun! How the hell do you let a child get like that?

It took me a lot longer to get L to sleep this night, and she didn't stay down for long. It took us 3 different times of putting her to sleep for her to actually stay asleep. I know that the 1st night she just slept out of exhaustion, but I'm praying that she's easier to get to bed from now on. I was hoping and praying that her loud screaming and yelling wasn't going to wake Fuzzy.

Day 3:

We know have the battle of the munchkins. Fuzzy the 8 month old I was here 1st vs. L the almost 2 year old I can take your toy and walk away are fighting for our attention. I can't give them both a toy to play with because L will take whatever Fuzzy has. Her favorite word is No. We have had the don't kick the baby discussion a couple of times now. She is eating better tho and smiling so that's good. I'm so tired and emotionally spent. I dread going back to work, and having to balance all this with my work.

There's a court hearing Monday so we will know more then about the case and such. Tuesday they are having visitation, but I'm not sure if the parents will be involved or just the kids. Wednesday morning we have L's physical scheduled unless we can get her in Monday. I don't have a bunch of time to take off work, and with this whole merger going on at work I need to be there showing my face. I don't want to neglect my duties as a foster parent, but I need my job too. My job is my bread and butter.

Well, I need to go work on my church stuff while Rob entertains the kids.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

2 More Feet

I got called this afternoon at 4:30 about a placement. They didn't even have the children in the office yet, so there was only a limited amount of info that our placement worker could provide. All she said was that they wanted to place an almost 2 year old healthy girl with us, and I said yes. So as soon as Rob got off work we ran over to Wal-Mart to buy a toddler bed, mattress, blanket, and a spare set of bigger diapers.

About 8 PM the worker showed up with the little girl I will call L for now, and her big brother, S. L was curled up in a little ball being carried by the case worker. She didn't have on any shoes, and looked absolutely frightened. She's a small, thin child. S looked us over and then looked around the house. He was being so brave and being a good big brother making sure that his little sister was going to be safe. He tried hard to hide his tears, but couldn't. We promised him that he would see his sister in a few days when we get all the kids together for a visit. I really wish we could have taken them both to keep them together, but we just don't have the room for 3 kids. The CW hurried through the paperwork, and told me to call in the morning for more info because she didn't even have all of it right now. I've got my list of questions already for her.

L sat next to me on the couch sucking her thumb for about 20 minutes watching Blue's Clues, and then she just burst into tears. She cried and cried while I held her and rocked her. She wouldn't talk at all. I tried to get her to color with me, but every time I tried to talk to her, she started to cry again. It was heartbreaking. I gave her an Oreo that she devoured, and then started to cry again. I gave her some apple juice, and that seemed to calm her down a little. Then I changed her diaper which was soaking wet, and she started to warm up to me after that. She sat on my lap and played with me after that.

Rob's mom brought us dinner and brought L a happy meal. L and I sat on the floor while she ate her dinner. She smiled at me and let me help her with her food. Then we played some more. She enjoyed playing "pick up the toy" with Fuzzy. Then Rob, L, Fuzzy, and I played with a ball for a while. Then Rob and I got both kids to bed after some work. I'm praying that they both sleep through the night because I need some sleep. We've got a long day ahead of us tomorrow. I need to give L a good bath, and her hair needs a lot of care. I'm going to try to get L to the doctor for her physical. I have to meet the CW at wal-mart in the morning to get L lots of clothes, hygiene stuff, a car seat, and a lifebook. Well, it's already late so I'm going to bed. I'll keep everyone updated on how things are going.