His Will

I was for sure that we weren't going to adopt any time soon, but in the last 24 hours things have changed. I don't have a ton of details right now, but there is a birth mother that hasn't delivered yet that's looking for a couple like us to adopt the baby. The main problem is that this adoption would be a private adoption through an attorney, and the fees will be a lot more than we were planning on paying. They are estimating $18,000, and we don't have anywhere near that much money. But we have been praying about this, and a lot of people are praying with us now. We want to do God's will, and if this is His will then I know he will make a way for us. Prayers and positive thoughts are greatly appreciated.

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way

Retrenching

After the several meltdowns I've had in the past couple of weeks, I feel like I need to get back to the basics. I need to turn my focus back to God and my marriage. I started meditating and deep prayer last cycle, and it helped focus me and calm me. I will continue to do that. Also I need to add more fun and less business to our relationship. I know I can get to the point where it's gone from a fun time to a chore, and that's the last thing we need in our marriage. We're already overcome a huge hurdle that can easily break up a marriage and especially a new marriage. But it's so easy to get caught up in the tests, medicines, timed intercourse, and lose sight of the other person in this battle too. I'm done looking up fads and tricks to get pregnant fast. All it does it drive me nuts and cost me more money. I came across a wonderfully, powerful prayer through a friend a few days ago that I will pray everyday.

I thank you Father that Jesus has borne all my sickness and diseases
and carried all my pains away so by His stripes I am healed and made whole!
Therefore, in Jesus name ..... I bind Satan's power and hold over our wombs and our bodies.
I command ALL forms of sickness and disease to be removed.
I command infertility and the curse of barrenness to be removed in Jesus name!
I also profess according to the Word of God that ....
I have a blessed, prosperous, healthy and FRUITFUL womb!!
I command health into our bodies and I say "Body in Jesus name you are
to conceive and be pregnant!! Every part of you is to come in line with the Word of
GOD. You will function efficiently, the way you were created to be: fearfully and wonderfully made."
"I also pray for good solid attachment of my baby to the uterine wall,
and then for my baby to grow perfectly, be nourished, and protected for the full nine
months. I plead the blood of Jesus as a hedge of protection around the womb, protecting
my baby from all harm. I declare this in Jesus name as the Word says:
ask whatever you wish in Jesus name and it will be done!
I give you all the glory for my healing and for my baby.
Let it be done to me according to your Word!!
Amen!

No Motivation, No Hope

I feel completely empty today. I'm on my last day of clomid for this cycle so hopefully my cranky mood will improve in a few days. But I feel so low today. I'm not even sure how to put it into words. I don't want to do anything but go home and go to sleep. I'm sad, but I don't even feel like using the energy to cry. It's less than 30 days until Madison's 2 year angelversary. And I'm 10 steps behind where I was this time last year. Last year I was preparing to travel to Nashville to participate in my 1st half marathon. I was going to meet a bunch of people I got to know online though weight watchers and we were going to have an awesome weekend. It had only been a couple of weeks since my miscarriage, but the workout schedule I was on helped keep me focused on something else besides my broken heart. But this year I have nothing, nothing at all. I feel like an empty shell of a person. I'm so bitter about most things. I decided not to schedule my procedure to check my tubes and such this cycle. I just don't feel like putting myself through that this month. I just want to be left alone as much as possible this month. I'll do the medicines like I did last cycle, but that's it.

I've gotten to the point where it makes me angry and jealous to hear about someone getting pregnant easily. Why do they deserve it? What have I done wrong to not deserve it? Rob told me about one of his co-workers leaving early for a doctors appointment last week. He said he knew she was pregnant even before she announced it. He thinks it's from being around me and my getting pregnant obsession. But I was pissed off to hear that. What the fuck did she do to deserve it? I don't care how good of a person you are. I'm not a bad person so why do I watch my dreams fade away every month?

I ordered my next set of supplies this weekend: a bunch of ovulation tests, some pregnancy tests, and some other stuff. The only reason I got the pregnancy tests was because it was a good deal. At this point I've lost my hope. This is probably my last cycle that would yield a child in our home this year. If I got pregnant this cycle I would be due around the 9th of January, but with my track record my doc would be working to get us to a delivery date about 4-5 weeks before my due date. If I could make it to 36 weeks I would be ecstatic.

Rob sent me an article about baby boosting diets. It's full of the usual eat this, don't eat that, take this vitamin, and don't wear those underwear. I just don't know what to believe anymore. Should I drink green tea, take aspirin or fish oil, eat lean red meat, take iron supplements, use egg whites, have sex in certain positions, or just relax and let nature take its course? Everyone has an answer to my problem, but which one is the right one or are they all right. I get tired just thinking about it.

D and D: Welcome to Nerdom

I started playing D and D, Dungeons and Dragons, a couple weeks after Rob and I started dating. I was so against it at first because RPG, role playing games, are for weirdos and geeks. And I am neither. But I decided to give it a try once. Rob helped me roll up or create my first character, a studded leather wearing, tall muscular chic with long hair that went around carrying a 10 foot spiked chain. She was a fighter and Mistress of Chains named Jezzabelle. And once I got into the game and got some real combat, I was hooked. I loved playing someone that I could never be, but would love to be sometimes. I was an ass kicking adventurer that didn't care what anyone thought of her. I looked forward to our Friday night gaming sessions that usually lasted for 8 hours or more. It was a great release after a long, hard week at work. I got to spend my night with friends slaying monsters and bad guys while finding treasures. I got to know Rob's friends a lot more, and I got to know my future mother-in-law too. Yep, Rob's mom plays too!

But like most good things our Friday night sessions came to an end. People starting having other obligations like family, kids, and school so we met less and less. And eventually we disbanded the group. It's been almost 3 years since we played, and Rob has always held out hope that he could get the group back together one day. A couple of weeks ago he ran into info on the 4th edition of Dungeons and Dragons, and saw that there are going to be some great changes made in the rules and how the game is played. This lit enough of a fire under his ass to actually track down our party members. And as luck would have it almost everyone is in a place in their lives where they can and want to play again on a regular basis. We added a couple of new people to the group since 2 of our regulars are gone now.

I was considering resurrecting my old character, Jezzabelle, but I decided to create a new character. One reason was that Jezz was Level 13 or so when we stopped playing so she was hella cool! And I would have to revert her back to level 1. I just didn't want to go back to the beginning when she wouldn't have hardly any special abilities after playing her when she was the ubber bad ass chick. So I created a SoulKnife named Cialis. LOL! She's a fighter that can form weapons using just her mental abilities.

So last night marked the beginning of the new era of D&D for Spazz's campaign. It was slow going for a couple of hours because we have some people that feel the need to talk and talk and talk and talk about absolutely nothing! The main offender is the overly dramatic Paladin. Freaking idiot! He's the type to tell you every little detail that's he's doing. No one needs to know that he blinked or that he might want to sit down one day. But once the real action started it was fun. I can't wait until we play again in 2 weeks. Hopefully I'll get to kill a bunch of monsters and gain a level.

This concludes your daily dose of nerd talk. :)

Nope

I got an email yesterday inviting me to a meeting to help plan one of my co-worker's baby showers. It's for a guy that works under the same VP that I work for, but we're not close. We may exchange pleasantries while passing in the hallway, but that's about it. This will be he and his wife's first child. I'm not even sure why anyone thought it would be a good idea to put me on the planning committee. I guess it's been long enough according to some people for me to be over my "issue". I should resume the roll of the childless yet happy for everyone else young person. I should love to see everyone's baby and just ohhh and ahhh over them. I haven't been to a baby shower since 2000 or 2001. I don't even give off the illusion that I like to plan parties. Do people automatically assume that being a woman means that you like to plan showers? I doubt that I will even be able to attend. All too often the sight of the happy, blissful, unscathed preggo makes me sick to my stomach. It's probably all of the jealously eating away at me from the inside. So to save myself the pain I avoid things like baby showers. Maybe I'll take off work next Friday to make sure I'm not around.

My sunshine

I feel like the walking dead today. I've been sick since last night and it's getting worse. I had no idea that the cycle after clomid would suck donkey balls. I've tossed cookies a couple of times today and had horrible cramps. The only thing that takes the pain away is a hydrocodone, and I can't take that at work. I was hoping to leave early, but nope I've got too many fires to put out here. I'm counting down the minutes until I can drug myself and crash like a ton of bricks. Rob has been trying to cheer me up via google talk all day. One thing he sent me made me cry in a good way. I'm so blessed to have married him. I love you, baby, with all my heart. He sent me the lyrics to an Ozzy song.

"Lay Your World On Me"

I know you think you're all alone
I haven't been there when you've needed me
I didn't deserve the love you gave
But now I'm telling you I'm here if you need a friend

Give me your pain
Give me your anger
Let me be your rock
I can be the pillar of strength that you need
I'll help you keep it all together
It's better late than never
Lay your world on me
I can take the weight

Don't let it twist you up inside
Time never fails to make the heartache stop
You've got to let those feelings go
I'll give you everything I can if you say the word

Give me your pain
Give me your anger
Let me be your rock
I can be the pillar of strength that you need
I'll help you keep it all together
It's better late than never
Lay your world on me
I can take the weight

We all laugh and we all cry
We all hurt the same inside
We all fall down and we lose faith in who we really are
But if we bend instead of break
The choice for us is to make it together
Lay your world on me

I'll help you keep it all together
It's better late than never
Lay your world on me
Lay your world on me
Lay your world on me
I can take the weight

Nothing but negatives today

I had a shitty ass day today at work. I learned exactly what some people think about me, and the work I do. They will use me like a whore and then don't want to pay up. But enough about the job that doesn't appreciate me. I took a beta test yesterday afternoon, and right before I was about to call into my 100th conference call this week my doc's office called with my results. And you guessed it...NEGATIVE! Like we didn't see that one coming, but it still hurts. I still had some hope that the 1st test I took was right, that maybe somehow I was pregnant and that this was going to be our time. But I had a head full of doubts. My babies have always shown up on pregnancy tests especially digital tests. And it seems like my body was waiting to get the news to really let go. About the time that the doctor's office called my stomach starting cramping. By the time I got home I had started so today is Cycle day 1 all on top of everything else. Thanks a lot! So I'm sitting here cramping and I mean really horrible cramps while feeling so low. I'm so depressed and in a very dark place right now. I've wanted to cry all day, just go home and stay in a dark room and cry. But I'm so swamped at work that I can't even take some time away for myself. I had such hopes for this cycle. I thought clomid would make my body work the way it should and I would finally get pregnant again. I thought that I would luck out and avoid any more testing and procedures. I put so much hope into a drug it's absolutely devastating for my cycle to start. I can't even think of what our next step will be, but I know I have to. I have to because if I don't I'll be right here again next month, and I wouldn't have tried everything I could to make my dreams a reality. But for now I just want to rest and try to let go of this day.

More tears and dashed hopes

I tested yesterday morning and got a faint positive. I made Robert come and look at it too because I thought I was seeing things. We were so happy, but after trying for so long I wanted to verify it since it was a faint positive. I thought I would just go pick up a digital test and everything would be fine. With my last 2 pregnancies I've always used a digital at some point because it's so reassuring to see the word Pregnant on a screen. I've taken 3 more tests at various times since then, one being this morning and they have all been negative. I've never, ever gotten a false positive. It just shakes me to think that my body has started a new form of betrayal as if I didn't have enough shitty ass luck. Robert wants me to test once more in the morning to be sure before we throw in the towel completely. And I will call my doctor tomorrow to see about coming in for a beta blood test also. I think that if I was pregnant then it would have shown up on one of those tests by now, but I don't want to stop taking my progesterone until I know for certain that I'm not pregnant. I've been so down and so upset the past 2 days. I've been crying all day today. I'm so tired. I feel like such a failure in something that a woman is born to do. I wonder if Maddie was a fluke. We were blessed with her after only 3 months of trying. She was so beautiful. I miss her so much. I long to make my parents into grandparents again, and to give Rob's grandparents the great-grandchild they long for. Everyday that passes they are getting older and no one lives forever though I wish they could. I dream of having another baby, but sometimes I can see my dreams slipping away. My heart hurts so much.

Another Prediction

I finally gave in and got a prediction from another one of the psychics that a lot of the girls on the message board have been using. It's only a couple of bucks and it's fun to have a little extra hope. Here's what I got today from Jennifer:

Hi Ashley,

Oh man! I hate to read stuff like that. It is so sad and I'm sorry that you have had to endure that pain and loss.

Your reading reveals that your next BFP news comes the month of May 2008. The baby shows as a boy and his EDD/birthdate is referenced the month of February 2009 (7th) and a C/S in January 2009 - (25th).

Jennifer

Interesting. I guess we will see who's right since I've gotten 3 different readings. 2 of them are in the same time frame, but showing different genders of babies. The 3rd one is a couple of months later. I hope someone is right because I'm ready to be a mommy again!

Transparent

I've always wondered if I'm as transparent as I think I am sometimes. I've always shown my moods and what's going on inside of me via my appearance. I started dying my hair as soon as I could in high school. It went from dark brown to plum to jet black to reddish brown to blond. I've dressed like all different kinds of groups. In junior high, I was dressed like a "white girl" for about a year. I wore tight Wrangler jeans with boots, and I teased my hair or used a crimping iron on it. I wanted to rebel from everything that I knew. I had spent my whole life so far never feeling like I really fit in with the other kids so I decided to find a totally different group of people to hang out with. Kids always teased me that I acted like a "white girl" so why the hell not be one for real.

I kind of mellowed out from 8th until 12th grade. I accepted who I thought I was. I was Miss happy perky pep squad girl that had money. I dressed in the latest fashions ranging from Nike, Adidas, Gap, Girbaud, Cross Colors. You name it, I probably owned it. I loved clothes and accessories. I loved dressing up.

After graduation, I started dressing like a goth. I dyed my hair jet black and wore nothing but Jincos and leather spiked accessories. Once I graduated from high school I realized that I really didn't have much going for me. My whole existence had been my friends and my life in high school. Now I was alone since my friends were all going different directions, and college is a lot different than high school. I was angry and I was depressed so my appearance showed that as best as I could.

Once I started working a real job while in school I had to change my appearance yet again. I had to look like someone in a business office so I shed the leather and the huge jeans, and adopted polo shirts and khaki pants. I had gained a lot of weight and I was ashamed so I wanted to hide my body as much as I could. It took me a while to come out of that funk and shed some weight. I started to date and happier. I wanted to attract guys and I knew I couldn't looking like a dude. So I ditched the polo shirts for cute blouses and sexy clothes. I started getting my hair cut and wearing make-up again. I started to see myself as a working woman that was a sexy diva on her off days.

I changed myself again when Maddie died. I cut off my hair as short as I could stand it and died it light brown with blond highlights. I needed this change as a part of my mourning. I needed to symbolically do away with a part of me. My heart was broken.

I've reinvented myself so many times, but the soul has remained the same. I'm not even sure why I've always used my appearance as an indicator of my feelings. I don't think I'm done yet either. I know that I still have a lot of growing left to do.

Too Cute!

I've always wanted an orange cat like Garfield since I was a little girl. So orange cats always catch my eye. Rob sent me a link to this video. I'm in love!!!

Praying

I've always prayed as far back as I can remember, I've said my prayers. As I got older I stopped praying every night like I did as a child, and sometimes I would go for I don't know how long without praying. Once I started going to my current church, I started praying again. While I was pregnant with Maddie, I prayed a lot. And since Maddie died I've been praying a lot more. This cycle I started meditating along with prayer. It helps to just shut the world out and try to focus on God and me. The other day one of my online buddies told me about a saint she had run across in conversation with 2 totally different people.

St. Gerard, the patron saint of motherhood.

Saint Gerard Majella, the "Patron Saint of Motherhood," was born in 1726 in a small town in the south of Italy called Muro. Gerard was devoted to his widowed mother and he also devoted his life to God and helping others. His selfless help to others in various circumstances endeared him to all sorts of people. He entered the Congregation of the Most Holy Redeemer in 1749 and became a lay brother. He was a model of obedience and possessed extraordinary wisdom. He spent his life dedicated to helping the needy and the poor, being poor himself and having an understanding of the sorrows of the needy. He often gave away his earnings and his own food to the poor and those that came to him never left empty-handed. Sometimes how the food or money came to be there was known only to God and to Gerard. He was also known to have mystical abilities such as powers of prophecy, healing, bilocations, the reading of consciences, and so forth. He even predicted the day and hour of his own death. During his short life he helped many and performed many miracles. It seems that God had given him, in particular, the special power to help mothers in need. In life and since his death, he has helped so many women who have prayed to him during labor that he earned the nickname the "Saint of Happy Deliveries." Many mothers from all over the world have even named their child Gerard after him in gratitude, and have adopted him as their patron in the joys and fears of childbirth.

Saint Gerard had a short stay here on earth dying in 1755 at the age of twenty-nine from tuberculosis, but he left a legacy of hope and faith to God that keeps spreading by word of mouth from those familiar with his life story and by those just discovering his miracles.

So now I've added a nightly prayer to St. Gerard as I lay in bed before I go to sleep. Some may find it odd since I'm not catholic, but it's not like I'm sacrificing small animals or something I'm praying and there's nothing wrong with that.

I Don't Think I'm Overreacting

This is what I just told a friend:

I was so upset last Friday afternoon. After almost 2 years, Rob finally got someone in the records department to make us a copy of one of Madison's pictures they kept. They took several polariods that day, and since it was an emergency we weren't prepared with our own camera to get some good shots. DH remembered there was a really good clear photo of her that the hospital kept for their records and we got the rest. I'm still not in able to go up to the hospital on my own especially when it has to do with Madison. So DH has been handling it. I decided that I could handle the small task of picking up her picture since I wanted to see it so badly. I went to pick up the picture and the girl was so nice. We talked a minute or two and I left. I opened the envelope in the car and my heart broke. The pictures were not copies of my baby all pink, and warm and full of life. They were taken after she died. I can't get the image out of my head of my baby girl all alone on a table. I never saw her after she died, and I wanted to keep it that way. I don't have many memories of her on the outside, but the ones I do I cherish and wanted to keep the way they were.

She has this puzzled look like what's the big deal? They gave you pictures maybe they didn't know which one you wanted. People make mistakes. WTF? Come on! I don't think I was being a nut because I was upset and saddened to see my baby girl like that. She has a baby so I figured she would understand. But nope! I doubt that I will talk to her anymore about stuff concerning Madison.

Relaxing Day Comes to a End

My BFF, Sarah, her husband and my goddaughter, Danielle visited my church today. It was nice having them there even though we didn't get to sit with them since both Rob and I have jobs to do during the service. I love seeing my goddaughter. She's becoming such a smart, beautiful little lady. I would love if they starting coming to our church, but we will see. Sarah's husband, Todd, would prefer a more traditional service over the contemporary service they visited today. So that would have them going to an earlier service, but it still would be nice to have them there sometimes. We had a nice lunch after church at a Chinese buffet. It's not like I needed to eat Chinese because I always retain tons of fluid after eating Chinese. So now I'm sitting on the couch watch a marathon of Nanny 911 and drinking lots of water to hopefully flush my body out. Tomorrow is the start of another long, busy week at work. It's almost the beginning of the 2nd quarter of the year which means lots and lots of tariff filings to prepare for our promotions from our marketing department. I hate the beginning of the quarter because no matter how much preparation our department puts into finding out all the promotions the company plans to offer, marketing will always come up with something else as soon as we get all of our filings done. I hate double work!!! Assholes!

2WW

Most people that are ttc, trying to conceive, understand what the 2WW is, and know that 7 dpo is just about the halfway point. To everyone else I am currently 7 days past ovulation and I have at least 7 more days to go before I can even think about taking a pregnancy test. This lovely time is referred to as the 2 week wait. This seems like it's the longest 2ww I've had in a long time. I try not to get my hopes up too much, but it's hard not to on your 1st medicated cycle. I just hope that the meds are all my body needed to get us a healthy baby. Every twinge, every headache, every food craving, every wave of nausea makes me wonder if we've been blessed this time. If we do get pregnant this cycle I will be due around December 20, but my doctor and I would be shooting for a Thanksgiving delivery. I would be over the moon if our home had a baby in it for the holidays. That would be so amazing.

Hello and Goodbye

Today one year ago I miscarried my 2nd child. I was sitting at my desk at work and my stomach started to cramp. I was hoping and praying it was just something I ate. I went to the restroom and I was bleeding. I freaked out. I knew in my heart that I'm not a bleeder. I didn't bleed at all with Maddie. I knew what was happening and that there was nothing I could do. Only weeks before we had seen the beginnings of our baby. I was only 3-4 weeks along so all we saw was the sac, but I knew you were there. And before I knew it you were gone. I think you were a girl, but I'm not sure. It's just a feeling that I have. Just know that mommy and daddy love and miss you so much, but I know Maddie is being a wonderful big sister to you. I will see you again one day, my darling.

A Part Of Me

As I sit and remember

When you were still a part of me

I try to forget...

Your life was never meant to be.

You were given a life, a soul, a name

But now things will never be the same.

You were mine to give life to

Though only for a while

Things had changed...

I will never see your smile.

Yet my love for you

Will never disappear

Though your voice, your laugh,

I will never get to hear.

You will always be my baby

Though I've never seen your face.

Not a thing in this world

Can ever take your place.

(c) Felicia Glik All Rights Reserved

My Angel Baby

To the baby that I carried

But never seen your eyes

Or tell you how much I loved you

Or ever to hear your cries.

You will never be forgotten

The excitement we had for your coming.

When I realized I'd never hold you,

The feeling I had was numbing.

My angel baby is who you are.

My angel baby you'll always be.

Your loving memory will live in my heart

So you will always be right here with me.

(c) Lori Jager All Rights Reserved

This could be me

Freakish

I start the 3rd medicine of my first medicated cycle tonight. This one is prometrium, which is a progesterone supplement to help my body up it's progesterone levels after taking the clomid and estrodiol. It should help thicken the uterine lining and support an embryo. I'll take this one until I get a positive or a negative pregnancy test. If it's positive than I will keep taking it until the doctor tells me otherwise. But if this cycle is a bust then I will stop and the evil witch will come on in a few days. I feel like such a freak for having to take drugs in order to possibly get pregnant. It doesn't help that I watched a bunch of baby shows today and it seems like getting pregnant is the easiest thing in the world for everyone else. You hardly if ever see a story about someone that had to take drugs or any other fertility treatments on the television unless it's a special on Discovery Health channel. I don't want to be an oddity. I just want to be normal sometimes. But I can't bear to keep trying on our own and just hoping that things will work out.

We had Chinese take out for supper tonight, and this was my fortune:

The path of life shall lead upwards for you.

I really hope it comes true soon.

I hope everyone is having a nice Easter with their family and friends today. I'm so tired from the past few days that I'm going to crash soon and take a nice long nap this afternoon.

Stupid Doctor

I was supposed to have my HSG done yesterday at 1:00 PM. Rob and I got to the hospital about 30 minutes before my appointment to go through admissions. I didn't freak out too much about being in this hospital. It did bother me when they put a name bracelet on me. I got a quick flashback to all my hospital stays when I was pregnant. But Rob was there which made things better. We got to radiology about 12:50 and waited to be called back. Rob couldn't come with me since the room was going to be too small for him along with the doctor and nurse. The nurse asked me what cycle day I was on, and I said 13. She then tells me that she thinks it's too late in my cycle to do this procedure. She went to talk to the doctor, and he came out and said the same thing. This procedure is usually done between day 7-10 of your cycle to avoid any chance of radiating an embryo. UGGGHHHHH! I took off half of my work day to get this done and so did Robert and now we can't get it done. I don't know why my doctor or his nurse scheduled this procedure so late in my cycle. I saw them on day 3 so they knew I needed to get this done quickly. I hate wasting my paid time off. My doc's office was closed yesterday afternoon and today, but he will get an ass chewing when I see him again!

The one good thing was that Robert went to the records area and talked to someone about possibly getting a color copy of Madison's picture that they took for records. They took about 5 Polaroids of her and managed to take the one really clear one. What the fuck? Why would you take that from the parents? The only pictures they will ever have and you take the good one. I haven't been able to go get it myself. I know my anger and temper and I would be in jail if they gave me any crap about it. But Rob says that this lady seems to really be trying to help us get a copy since they can't give us the one in the file. I might be able to get myself calm enough to ask about a trade where we give them the blurry pic and we get the clearer one. So we will see in a few days when we hear back from them.

Happy 1st Angel Day, Sweet Ella

I remember March 18, 2007 like it was yesterday. I was sitting at my desk and I logged onto one of my message boards. I was hoping for an update on how Mesa and her baby were doing. I was praying at the same time I saw the update post. I opened it and my heart broke once again. I couldn't even control the tears nor the no I yelled at my desk. I could care less what anyone around me thought. I couldn't breathe. I just wanted to run outside and scream. Why did this have to happen to another person? Why did another little baby get their wings far to early? I read the post a 2nd time hoping that I had read it wrong. But no it wasn't wrong. The baby that had been prayed for by so many people all over the country, the baby that so many women on a weight watchers message board had hoped for was gone too soon. Just months before I cried tears of joy when I found out that Mesa was expecting after such a long hard battle to conceive. And now I was sobbing uncontrollably because Mesa had been inducted into a club that no one wants to be a member of. I knew almost immediately what I needed to do. I needed to reach out to her like only another mother of an angel can do. And over this year I've gained a wonderful, beautiful friend. I know today will be a hard day for her. I will pray for her and Will today. And I will remember their angel, Ella Gwen, today and always. You are very loved and very missed.

I did not die young,

I lived the span of my life within your body,

And within your love.

If you would honour me,

Then speak my name and number me amongst your family.

If you would honour me,

Then strive to live in love,

For in that love I live.

Never ever doubt that we will meet again,

And until that day I will grow in Heaven and wait for you.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow,

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight.

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room,

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there, I do not die.

Mary Elizabeth Frye

On Hold! Grrrrr!

I'm on hold with my medical insurance company trying to find out if my HSG will be covered by them. This isn't my first call. I called last week only to find out that I needed to call my doctor and get a medical billing code since the insurance company couldn't figure out which hysterosalpingogram I was having. How the hell are you supposed to know all this shit. It's just a ploy on the insurance companies' side to frustrate you to no end and that way they can deny all of your claims and keep their profits nice and high. I still hate this company for making us fight with them for months to get Madison's medical bills paid. They tried to claim that I didn't add her to my policy within the 31 day time frame. I was ready to drive up to their office and open fire! So since my procedure is this Thursday I need to find out now how much will be covered! So while I wait on hold listening to the lame music, I decided to blog.

I'm glad that I'm done with my round of clomid this cycle. That shit makes me a raging bitch! I probably could have easily beat someone down without a care in the world. I would get mad at the drop of hat and have little to no remorse about it. Now I'm on my round of estradiol for the next couple of days. Here's what I've heard about estradiol:

Your body tends to naturally select or favor one follicleFollicle development
Fsh
Hair follicle
Hair follicle anatomy
Hair follicle sebaceous gland a month and hold the others backBack pain - low
Back strain treatment while it matures. The estradiol supresses this mechanism, allowing multipleMultiple myeloma
Multiple sclerosis
Multiple sclerosis - resources
Multiple system atrophy folliclesFollicle development
Fsh
Hair follicle
Hair follicle anatomy
Hair follicle sebaceous gland to mature, and making your clomid or other drugsChemical dependence - resources
Chemotherapy
Drug abuse
Drug abuse and dependence
Drug abuse first aid
Drug allergies
Drug induced hypertension
Drug rash on the back
Drug rash, tegretol
Drug signs and teenagers
Drug-induced hypertension a better shot at producing multipleMultiple myeloma
Multiple sclerosis
Multiple sclerosis - resources
Multiple system atrophy eggs.

My doc has me acting like I'm already pregnant. So my beautiful, well stocked bar is going to wast right now. I'm not a lush, but I do love my booze. LOL!

I guess I'm still bitchy.

Here's to hoping that all the mood swings will yield us a Christmas miracle.

New meanings

I always find it interesting when I run across a song or poem that takes on a whole new meaning after a life changing event.

"Dreaming With a Broken Heart"

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?

Would you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

By: John Mayer

It's been so long

It feels like it's been a long time since I was pregnant with Madison even though it was only 2 years ago. I just think back to what I was doing this time two years ago. I probably was at home sick as a dog or at work trying not to get sick. I hadn't gotten far enough along yet to feel her movements yet, and we didn't even know for sure she was a girl yet. The world was so full of hope and promise then. It's hard to watch my friend's little boy grow up and hit milestones since he was born only a couple of months after Maddie. I just look at him and think of where she would be now. She would be very vocal and opinionated by now. She'd be driving the dogs crazy and probably trying to ride Olaf like a horsey. She would light up a room when she came running in. She would be a huge handful, but we'd love every minute of it. Damn, I miss her so much.

My 2nd Reading

I got my 2nd reading last weekend. This one is really in depth and I'm hoping and praying it comes true.

Hi Ashely

Thank you for being patient with me while I got back to your reading.

They are showing me JULY and GIRL so this is either birth month, concieve month or the month you find out in. They also show her with a brother just over 2 years younger than her

When it comes to your daughter, would tell you that i see her as very beautiful. Someone who is confident in herself, is always easy going and always looking for the good in any situation or person. It hink that you will find that shes often inspired by many things in life and is always showing othe rpeople how to change things for the better. Shes someone who thinks before she speaks, would never hurt anyones feelings intentionally, but is also strong minded as well that shes certainly not going to be taken advantage of/

I would say that your duaghter is going to be tall for her age, always in the top 5 of her class in height. Shes got very long legs, her hair usually just past her shoulders and always left down. Shes fairly good about taking good care of her apperance, she likes to look presentable and feels more confident when she has taken care of herself. I think that you will find that there are people who are jealous of her, but your duaghte rnever understands why. She never takes her looks for granted and often does not rub it in anyones face that she knows that she is pretty.

She loves animails, has a very soft spot for dogs and cats and always asking to take all these strays that she insists follow her home each time lol.

I think that you will find that shes got a good eye for design, someone who lovse to organize things and has good confidence in herself and her abilities. always offering to help out around the house, lvoes to clean up, and just loves things look ing fresh. I think that you will find that shes someone who I would consider to be business oriented, and around the age of 18 comes up wtih her own business plan to do birthday parties and events. I believe that this starts as more of a "fairty tale" birthday party idea, and runs her own company. I do bleieve that her father has a hand in helping to get this off the ground. I think that you will find that eventually she takes on wedding parties, and other bigger events, and hires 2 other girls ot help her with this.

When it comes to marriage I see her closer to 26, they will have one girl and one boy of their own.

Let me know if you have any questions

Thanks

Cheri

Busy, busy bee that would be me

I've been going and going and going for the last several days. I was already worn out from the time change so I'm just running on gas fumes right now. Monday I had a visit with my doctor. My blood tests from last week showed that I did ovulate last cycle. Which is good, but it just leaves more questions as to why I'm not getting knocked up. I'll be going in next week to a HSG, hysterosalpingogram, say that 3 times fast. A hysterosalpingogram is an X-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes which allows visualization of the inside of the uterus and tubes. The picture will reveal any abnormalities of the uterus as well as tubal problems such as blockage and dilation. Rob is going to be tested too, just in case. But my doctor doubts that it's a problem on his end since he's gotten me pregnant twice before. I've also started clomid/estradiol/prochieve this cycle. I'm praying this will do the job so we don't have to go on to more invasive procedures. Because Fertility Treatments = Lots of Cash $$$

The clomid is really helping my attitude problem. I've been a mega bitch for the last couple of days. I warned Rob before I started taking the meds, but I'm just trying to stay in a different room to keep the arguments to a minimum.

Back to the drawing board

The witch reared her ugly head early this morning. I was hoping this would be the cycle since today's our 4th anniversary of dating. I found out about my last 2 pregnancies on or around special days. We found out we were blessed with Maddie on Christmas morning. And our other little angel gave us a positive test a couple of days before our dating anniversary. So I was really hoping this was going to be our month.

On a happier note, I should be getting my 2nd baby psychic reading today hopefully. I found out about 2 ladies that do readings online that focus on trying to conceive and babies through some online friends. They've all gotten readings from these ladies, and so far one of the psychics has a 100% accuracy on her predictions, and the other is at about 70% accurate.

My first reading was from Brooke. This was her prediction from the tarot cards:

Hi Ashley.....so sorry for your loss, first of all.

The cards are showing you conceiving your second child between April and June. Now, a boy AND a girl come up around you. They show you with these two children next year. So I strongly feel this will be a full-term healthy baby!

Let me know when you get your BFP!

-Brooke

I'm waiting to hear back from Cherie on her prediction. She says I will hear from her by today so I'm hoping to know something soon. So we will see if both predictions correlate with each other.

Snow Day!

It's snowing here in Louisiana today. It rarely ever snows here and when it does it will usually melt before it hits the ground. Earlier this week it was in the 80's and yesterday it was sunny and pleasant outside. Today it's in the low 30's, and about 11:00 it started snowing. We were out to lunch for my boss's birthday, and most of us had to go outside to see it. Someone even stood out there eating the snow that was falling. The best thing about this is when we got back to work at 1:30 we were told that the office was closing at 2. WoooHooo! An adult snow day!!!

I DON'T CARE!!!!

It's been a couple of days since I've gone on one of my rants so get ready. I'm so fucking tired of people coming up to me asking me if I've talked to J today. "How did her baby's first haircut go yesterday?" Why the hell do I care? Why the fuck do you feel the need to ask me? I don't give a flying fuck how it went. Walk down there to her desk and ask her yourself. I'm sure she has plenty of pictures to show you. Don't ask me! Don't you see the big March of Dimes sign on my desk that has In Loving Memory of Madison Sherina Renee Douglas written on it? Do you see any recent pictures of her or another child on my desk? Do I look like I have a baby at home with me which would automatically make me give a shit about someone else's kid's first haircut? Nope. I don't give a fuckity fuck fuck. So take your blind idiotic ass down the hall and ask someone who cares!

Hummm....that felt good. Wish I could say it out loud.

Infertility?

I was reading an article while I was waiting in the doctor's office today about secondary infertility. I always assumed that I fell into that category since I have gotten pregnant and I gave birth to a child. But now we're having problems getting pregnant and staying pregnant this time around. But per this article's definitions of secondary vs. primary infertility I don't really fall into either category. It said that primary infertility is the inability to get pregnant and carry to term. Secondary is when you've had a child, but you can't get pregnant again and carry to term. The part about "to term" is a tricky one. I didn't carry to term, but I did get pregnant and give birth to a child so am I suffering from primary or secondary infertility. It's not like someone with a brain or that values their life would call Madison a miscarriage. And even though she was so early she fought to stay with us for 10 hours outside of my body. So she was very much born and very much her own person, and my child. So I wonder what category I fit in? Maybe I should make up my own category called something like screwedup fertility. I think that fits me just right.

Blogging Good for Your Health

I ran across an interesting article online that talked about how bloggers seem to feel more connected to a community and less isolated. It also states that bloggers are more satisfied with their friendships both online and face-to-face. After 2 months of the study, test subjects felt that they had better social support and friendship networks than those who didn't blog. I think that future studies should have a much larger test group. But it's interesting none the less.

Blogging for Your Health

Standardized Testing

I'm started my first set of tests on the road to getting knocked up again. I went in today for lab work to check my progesterone levels. After some researching online I learned that a level over 10 ng/ml indicates that ovulation did occur. I'm just going to go with that number since every site I've looked at has a different number. I thought this was going to be a nice short trip to the clinic, but NO! I got there and signed in at 8:50 AM and it was almost 10 AM by the time they called me in the back. I picked this office out of 3 locations that I could go to since it's right down the street from my office, and usually it's pretty empty compared to the other locations. Even though there were only 2 patients in the waiting room when I got there, I still had to wait forever just to have my blood drawn. It's not like I had to see a doctor or nurse. Nope just went straight into the lab when they finally called my name. Damn large clinics suck sometimes.

Hope springs eternal

I've been very busy this week. I've been working my ass of at work with filings and lots of meetings. By the time I get home I don't do much of anything. We did get 2 new pets this past weekend. 2 baby turtles: 1 painted and 2 razor back. They are both about the size of a quarter, and too cute. They are total opposites. Mine, the painted one, loves to swim and float near the top of the water. He's constantly moving. Rob's the razor back is a bottom dweller that likes to be hidden by rocks or tucked in his shell. Mine is named Ichigo after one of my favorite anime characters that has orange hair. My turtle has an orange stripe down his back. Rob's is named Kamadachi which means turtle sword in Japanese. I've got pictures of them, but I haven't had a chance to upload them yet. I will soon because they are too cute!!!

Today I had a doctor's appointment with a new OB/GYN. My appointment was for 10:30, but I didn't see him until about 12:10. That pissed me off, but as soon as I started to talk to him it was worth the wait. He never mentioned my weight at all. We went over my history and what we've done on our trying to conceive journey. He wants me to come in for some lab work on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday or next week to make sure I am in deed ovulating. Then we will schedule an HCG, which is a procedure to make sure my tubes are not blocked. Then we will take it from there. It was so refreshing to talk about actual plans. He listened to me, and made suggestions of what we should do. He never made me feel like I was to blame for anything. We discussed what we will do when I do get pregnant like meds, close monitoring, and possibly bedrest early on. I have hope now. I've finally found a good doctor. I was beaming from ear to ear when I left. We've finally got a plan!

Answers?

After making my previous post and catching up on some of the blogs I read, I came back and happened to read the daily bible verse on my own blog.

Ask and it shall be given you, seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you.
(Luke 11:9)

Isn't that just an obvious answer to all my moaning, groaning, tears, and frustration? I've asked now I just have to wait. I guess I need to start praying for patience too.

Wall Flower

We had a business trip this past Thursday to Shreveport. It's only about 1 1/2 hours away, but I knew I should be prepared with my mp3 player full of music and videos. I knew that with a van full of mothers the conversation would soon turn to babies. I would be able to smile and listen happily to some of it, but I knew at some point I would have to retreat to my corner of the world. It's like being at a ball that starts with the guys inside and the girls outside sitting on a bench. One by one the girls are chosen to be mothers. And one by one they leave to go inside to the ball. You hear all the laughter and you can see the smiling faces. But then you remember that you're still outside of the party. I used to love being online chatting with friends, but one by one they all went inside to the ball. I still try to keep up with their lives, but it hurts too much sometimes. Especially when you're still outside, and others are having their 2nd and 3rd trips to the ball. I got to go inside to the ball once, but only for a moment. I blinked and I was back outside alone sitting on the bench. When will I get to dance again?

Decisions

I've been praying for months for God's guidance on the whole adoption thing. I know in my heart that we could adopt a child that we would love as our own. But the expense of the whole process scares the crap out of me. We're by no means wealthy, but we make too much for most grants. We don't have enough in savings to pay for the whole thing unless we go through the state. And that's not really what we want to do. Every baby/toddler I've looked at that's available for adoption through the state has severe disabilities. And with both of us working full time we can't care for a child like that. We were faced with having a child that could be severely handicapped with Madison, but that was different. That was what God gave us, we didn't go looking for it. I wouldn't have thought twice about quiting my job to stay home with Maddie if she needed that.

But now I'm thinking that maybe I've gotten the sign I was praying for with the children's home losing our paper work. Maybe this isn't the path God wants for us. We never gave up trying to conceive another child, and I doubt we would until we were actually matched with a child. I just don't get what's taking so long. We were blessed to get pregnant fairly quickly with Maddie just by keeping track of my cycles and looking up my projected fertile times online. It took us 6 months and 9 cycles to get pregnant with the baby I miscarried. That time I charted, took ovulation tests, had a fertility monitor, and used some supplements.

Now we quickly approaching a year since my last pregnancy and we've gotten nothing, absolutely nothing at all. I've tried everything I can think of from charting, to supplements, to sex plans, to teas and creams. I'm always online looking for something new that might be the key. You name it, I've probably tried it. Right now I'm feeling very crunchy earth mother like drinking a couple of cups of red clover infusion tea everyday to hopefully increase my fertility. I think the whole theory that you're super fertile after a miscarriage is bunk! I'm about 2 months from my annual visit with the gyno so I guess I'll start bitching and moaning to get some testing done then. It's so hard to get an appointment with the doctors group I plan to go to. If you're not pregnant or dying your appointment will be about 3-4 months from when you call to make it.

Rob's granddad had another heart attack this weekend. He's doing good right now, but it still scared me. I know how much it would mean to him for us to have another healthy baby. And I want our baby to get to know their great-grand parents too. So every month that we come up empty I feel like I'm not just letting myself down, but I'm letting down a lot of people.

So full of emotions

I'm hurting. I'm sad. I'm weepy. I'm just plain tired of working so hard for something that is so easy for so many people. All I want is to be a mother again. Is that too much to ask for? In the past week I have heard about so many people getting pregnant AGAIN. Some of these people are deserving, but so many others are not. I don't give a damn if its wrong to say who deserves to have a child and who doesn't. Because all of you PC stick up your ass people know you agree with me. You may not have the nerve to ever say it, but you do. You know there are lots of people that should be spayed or neutered just like a pet because if they aren't they will keep increasing the population and expecting everyone else to pay for it. Today is one of those days when I have to choose between curling up in a ball and dying or trying to continue carrying the cross I have to bear.

I've been sitting here at my desk working and trying to block out the world by listening to my music. When a song comes on that makes me just stop and listen. It's like my little angel knew her mama needed a kick in the ass today, and she was the only person who could do it. These are the words I just heard:

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes...

This miracle God gave to me
gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes...

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daugter's eyes

Happy Valentines Day!

I'm having a wonderful day in the world of corporate rules and regulations, and counting the hours until I can get the hell out of here. Rob gave me my valentines early since I was having a crappy night last night. I got the sweetest card from Madison and one from Rob too with a big huge heart of Russel Stovers chocolates. I can't wait to plow through those. I love my little angel and my skwerl master. We're planning a simple evening at home after band practice since restaurants bite on valentine's day. So Rob is going to try out a new recipe I found for sweet and hot tofu over rice. Then we will play some games on the wii. That's about it for us.

My friend, Mesa, sent me this video and I have to share it with everyone in honor of all the "real couples" out there. You'll know what I mean when I say "real couples" after you watch the video :)

Happy Birthday, Robert

Today is Rob's 28th birthday. We both took the day off to just do whatever he wanted to do. We slept late then got up and had a late breakfast at IHOP. We bought Maddie some flowers and spent some time out visiting her. I'm going to cook his favorites for dinner tonight, lasagna and pineapple upside down cake. Right now he's enjoying his big birthday gift that his sis and I got him. She sent some money for me to find a gift for him. I put that with my funds and got him a rocking bare bones computer system. It's got a great processor and lots of RAM with lots of upgrading capabilities. He can't wait for it to get here Friday so he's doing all kinds of research for add-on components. I was just happy to give him something he's been wanting for a while. It's wonderful to make him smile. He's my best friend and I'm so blessed to have him. Happy birthday, sweetheart. We love you!

WTF?

Not to sound judgmental, but I probably will anyway, but why the hell does every freak and idiot in the world have a baby? WHY? WHY? WHY? I was in a store at lunch and ran into a couple that looked like they had jumped out a time warp from the 60's. I mean they were the epitome of dirty hippies. The guy looked like he was allergic to soap and water. And they are carrying a baby carrier. What the fuck is wrong with us that we've been trying for almost another year since our miscarriage and haven't gotten jack shit for it? I'm just waiting to go back to the doctor for my annual exam and have some tests run only to find out that I'm going through menopause or somehow, someway I'm really a man. That would be my fucking luck.

Doctors

I've been thinking on and off for a long time about what doctor I would use if I got pregnant again. My 1st OB, Dr. P, was a pretty good doctor until all hell broke loose and Madison died. Then she just seemed like she didn't know what to do with me. I don't know if she's never had a baby die before or not, but she didn't give me the attention I really needed. She was distant. She came to see me everyday that week after Maddie was born. But it was just a couple of questions like "How are you feeling?" Then she would say "Ok. I'll see you tomorrow on my rounds." I was so outside of myself then I didn't know what to say to her. I didn't know how to express my questions. I didn't even really know what questions I should have had. But I don't think it was my responsibility to make her feel better or to know what to say to get the help I needed. Even when I saw her at my 6 week appointment I didn't know what to say. It was a brief exam and a brief talk about what we can do next time and how we didn't know things were going to go to hell in a hand basket like they did. And I left that day feeling no better.

My next visit to see Dr. P was for Baby Douglas #2. This was a nice visit. She was talking about being very proactive and getting me in to the maternal medicine specialists in a couple of weeks, and starting aspirins to help with blood flow to the baby. We did an ultrasound that day even though I was only 5 weeks. She found a little dot that she thought was the baby. But soon after that visit, I started to bleed. I knew in my heart I was miscarrying. I'm not a bleeder. I called Dr. P and she got me in a couple of hours later for an ultrasound, and she didn't find a baby. She sent me to the ultrasound specialist for a more in depth one that confirmed that I had miscarried. The tech called Dr. P and she just said she was sorry and that things hopefully will take care of themselves in the next day or so. She would be out of town for a couple of days, but I will have to have some blood work done to make sure my levels dropped to 0. That was the last I heard from her. Our 2nd baby fell out of me while I was on the toilet a couple of days later. But no one cared except for Rob and I. No tests, no nothing from my doctor. I had 3 more blood tests over the next couple of weeks before my levels finally dropped to 0, but I never heard from her.

My BFF suggested that I visit Dr. B. She started going to him after her pregnancy that had been handled by Dr. P. She told me that Dr. P hadn't help save her baby. She didn't know what was going on with her. She didn't see that she was dying and that her baby needed steroids to develop her lungs because she would have to be born early. The doctor that saved her was another doctor in their practice, Dr. L. He was the one that saw the signs when Dr. P went to him for help on her case. He was the one that saved my goddaughter's life. But it's been almost 6 years now and BFF moved to Dr. B. He was the one that actually ran the tests to see if BFF has a disorder or if this was a one time thing.

I visited Dr. B in July. I like that he's not part of a group of doctors so most likely you will always see him from beginning to end. Since it's just him in his office you don't walk into a waiting room full of gigantic bellies and new babies every time you go to the doctor. It's just a little heartbreaking to have to see that every time you go to the doctor. I liked that he spent almost a hour talking with Rob and I about my past history and our plans to try again. He ordered my medical history to read over. He sent me to a kidney specialist to have tests run to check for underlying issues with my blood pressure. And then he suggest that I lose weight. He told us to stop trying until I lost about 100 pounds. He suggested that I look into weight loss surgery. That suggestion made me not like him that much anymore. I know I need to lose weight, but I refuse to put my whole life on hold to lose weight. There's no guarantee that if I lost 100 or 150 pounds that I would get pregnant and come home with a healthy baby. I've met more woman than I can count that were in excellent physical shape that pregnancies were struck down by Pre-Eclampsia.

So a couple of weeks ago I got to thinking where would I go if I got pregnant again? Would I give Dr. B another chance even though I haven't lost enough weight yet? Would I try Dr. L since he was the "smart" one in my BFF's pregnancy? Or would I go back to Dr. P, and just accept that she doesn't have a good bedside manner? I'm so much smarter now about what happened to me. I know the signs, and I know what questions to ask. I know what I need to get to have the best possible pregnancy. But I'm still not really sure who I will trust with my life next time.

Not ready

I'm not ready for the weekend to end. I'm not ready to go back to work tomorrow. I know I have a ton of work to do there and it sucks. I've been trying to get things together and cleaned up at the house this weekend and tried to get some rest. I haven't had much in the way of rest though. Friday night we cleaned a bit and had Chinese take out which was great. We finally watched Super Bad on dvd. And all I have to say is that was some funny stuff. I was laughing the whole time. We slept in until 11 on Saturday and ran by the post office to pick up a package. We cleaned most of the house and install a new set of sliding doors in between the living room and the dining room. Now the dogs are really confused because their "cut-through" is now closed off.

While we were cleaning Rob's mom called for help. She was out about 30 miles from home sneaking around looking at some land to buy and managed to get her xTerra stuck in the mud! She called us basically because she didn't want her husband to know she had been out there looking for somewhere for them to move. They have been "moving" for at least 20 years now. But a gravel and mud road out in the country away from civilization ain't it. She ended up having to call a tow truck to get her out since she was stuck sideways in the muck, mud, and mire. After that adventure we spent the rest of the evening on the couch watching tv.

Today we went to church and then to lunch with our friend, Phillip. We went to a fairly new bar and grill called Portico. This was our first time since they are usually packed, and I hate going to packed restaurants and waiting forever to eat. The turkey and avocado club with sweet potato fries was delicious. I know I shouldn't have, but I had to have a big slice of cheesecake topped with strawberries for dessert. Yum! I had bible study this afternoon and then our church had a Fish and Fellowship this evening. Right now the fellowship part is going on while I sit in my computer booth and blog. I'm waiting until it's time for me to do something. I'm not that into in hymn singing so I just chill out until the band starts to play. But I do enjoy the Young at Heart choir because I think some old people are so adorable. Hopefully the rest of my evening will be nice and relaxing.

Car Decor

I'm excited and very pleased. I ordered a personalized window decal for my car from Remembering Our Babies. I've wanted one for a while, but I finally did it Friday. It showed up last night! I wasn't expecting it so fast. It looks great too. It says In Memory Of Madison Sherina Renee May 13, 2006 with baby footprints in the middle. Now my baby girl has made her mark on her mama's new ride. If you get a chance check out the store. It's great and has tons of things for people who want to remember their precious angel or angels in someway.