Sunday, April 6, 2008
More tears and dashed hopes
I tested yesterday morning and got a faint positive. I made Robert come and look at it too because I thought I was seeing things. We were so happy, but after trying for so long I wanted to verify it since it was a faint positive. I thought I would just go pick up a digital test and everything would be fine. With my last 2 pregnancies I've always used a digital at some point because it's so reassuring to see the word Pregnant on a screen. I've taken 3 more tests at various times since then, one being this morning and they have all been negative. I've never, ever gotten a false positive. It just shakes me to think that my body has started a new form of betrayal as if I didn't have enough shitty ass luck. Robert wants me to test once more in the morning to be sure before we throw in the towel completely. And I will call my doctor tomorrow to see about coming in for a beta blood test also. I think that if I was pregnant then it would have shown up on one of those tests by now, but I don't want to stop taking my progesterone until I know for certain that I'm not pregnant. I've been so down and so upset the past 2 days. I've been crying all day today. I'm so tired. I feel like such a failure in something that a woman is born to do. I wonder if Maddie was a fluke. We were blessed with her after only 3 months of trying. She was so beautiful. I miss her so much. I long to make my parents into grandparents again, and to give Rob's grandparents the great-grandchild they long for. Everyday that passes they are getting older and no one lives forever though I wish they could. I dream of having another baby, but sometimes I can see my dreams slipping away. My heart hurts so much.