Monday, April 14, 2008

No Motivation, No Hope

I feel completely empty today. I'm on my last day of clomid for this cycle so hopefully my cranky mood will improve in a few days. But I feel so low today. I'm not even sure how to put it into words. I don't want to do anything but go home and go to sleep. I'm sad, but I don't even feel like using the energy to cry. It's less than 30 days until Madison's 2 year angelversary. And I'm 10 steps behind where I was this time last year. Last year I was preparing to travel to Nashville to participate in my 1st half marathon. I was going to meet a bunch of people I got to know online though weight watchers and we were going to have an awesome weekend. It had only been a couple of weeks since my miscarriage, but the workout schedule I was on helped keep me focused on something else besides my broken heart. But this year I have nothing, nothing at all. I feel like an empty shell of a person. I'm so bitter about most things. I decided not to schedule my procedure to check my tubes and such this cycle. I just don't feel like putting myself through that this month. I just want to be left alone as much as possible this month. I'll do the medicines like I did last cycle, but that's it.

I've gotten to the point where it makes me angry and jealous to hear about someone getting pregnant easily. Why do they deserve it? What have I done wrong to not deserve it? Rob told me about one of his co-workers leaving early for a doctors appointment last week. He said he knew she was pregnant even before she announced it. He thinks it's from being around me and my getting pregnant obsession. But I was pissed off to hear that. What the fuck did she do to deserve it? I don't care how good of a person you are. I'm not a bad person so why do I watch my dreams fade away every month?

I ordered my next set of supplies this weekend: a bunch of ovulation tests, some pregnancy tests, and some other stuff. The only reason I got the pregnancy tests was because it was a good deal. At this point I've lost my hope. This is probably my last cycle that would yield a child in our home this year. If I got pregnant this cycle I would be due around the 9th of January, but with my track record my doc would be working to get us to a delivery date about 4-5 weeks before my due date. If I could make it to 36 weeks I would be ecstatic.

Rob sent me an article about baby boosting diets. It's full of the usual eat this, don't eat that, take this vitamin, and don't wear those underwear. I just don't know what to believe anymore. Should I drink green tea, take aspirin or fish oil, eat lean red meat, take iron supplements, use egg whites, have sex in certain positions, or just relax and let nature take its course? Everyone has an answer to my problem, but which one is the right one or are they all right. I get tired just thinking about it.


niobe said...

Though I can't know exactly what you feel, I often feel like my own hope is gone and I'm just going through the motions. I don't have any answers for you, but I'm hoping and praying for you all the time.

Mindy said...

Girly, I know that times can be tough, especially when TTC with Madison's upcoming angelversary. I can only relate to the TTC part though. When it came to TTC I started to just do my own research and not listen to other people or follow the fads on FF and such. I went with what my gut told me to do and it worked. No, we didn't do special positions or anything, but we just tried to make it fun. I even bought some racey lingerie that I ended up getting mad at DH and taking off before he even saw it! LOL

If the clomid is making you ovulate then that's the biggest hurdle to overcome. Just let nature and God take care of the rest. I know it's hard waiting on it though. You are in my thoughts, hun.


Cyberrblue (Colleen) said...

Oh, hun, I'm so sorry. Lots of hugs...