Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Nothing but negatives today
I had a shitty ass day today at work. I learned exactly what some people think about me, and the work I do. They will use me like a whore and then don't want to pay up. But enough about the job that doesn't appreciate me. I took a beta test yesterday afternoon, and right before I was about to call into my 100th conference call this week my doc's office called with my results. And you guessed it...NEGATIVE! Like we didn't see that one coming, but it still hurts. I still had some hope that the 1st test I took was right, that maybe somehow I was pregnant and that this was going to be our time. But I had a head full of doubts. My babies have always shown up on pregnancy tests especially digital tests. And it seems like my body was waiting to get the news to really let go. About the time that the doctor's office called my stomach starting cramping. By the time I got home I had started so today is Cycle day 1 all on top of everything else. Thanks a lot! So I'm sitting here cramping and I mean really horrible cramps while feeling so low. I'm so depressed and in a very dark place right now. I've wanted to cry all day, just go home and stay in a dark room and cry. But I'm so swamped at work that I can't even take some time away for myself. I had such hopes for this cycle. I thought clomid would make my body work the way it should and I would finally get pregnant again. I thought that I would luck out and avoid any more testing and procedures. I put so much hope into a drug it's absolutely devastating for my cycle to start. I can't even think of what our next step will be, but I know I have to. I have to because if I don't I'll be right here again next month, and I wouldn't have tried everything I could to make my dreams a reality. But for now I just want to rest and try to let go of this day.