Decisions

I've been praying for months for God's guidance on the whole adoption thing. I know in my heart that we could adopt a child that we would love as our own. But the expense of the whole process scares the crap out of me. We're by no means wealthy, but we make too much for most grants. We don't have enough in savings to pay for the whole thing unless we go through the state. And that's not really what we want to do. Every baby/toddler I've looked at that's available for adoption through the state has severe disabilities. And with both of us working full time we can't care for a child like that. We were faced with having a child that could be severely handicapped with Madison, but that was different. That was what God gave us, we didn't go looking for it. I wouldn't have thought twice about quiting my job to stay home with Maddie if she needed that.

But now I'm thinking that maybe I've gotten the sign I was praying for with the children's home losing our paper work. Maybe this isn't the path God wants for us. We never gave up trying to conceive another child, and I doubt we would until we were actually matched with a child. I just don't get what's taking so long. We were blessed to get pregnant fairly quickly with Maddie just by keeping track of my cycles and looking up my projected fertile times online. It took us 6 months and 9 cycles to get pregnant with the baby I miscarried. That time I charted, took ovulation tests, had a fertility monitor, and used some supplements.

Now we quickly approaching a year since my last pregnancy and we've gotten nothing, absolutely nothing at all. I've tried everything I can think of from charting, to supplements, to sex plans, to teas and creams. I'm always online looking for something new that might be the key. You name it, I've probably tried it. Right now I'm feeling very crunchy earth mother like drinking a couple of cups of red clover infusion tea everyday to hopefully increase my fertility. I think the whole theory that you're super fertile after a miscarriage is bunk! I'm about 2 months from my annual visit with the gyno so I guess I'll start bitching and moaning to get some testing done then. It's so hard to get an appointment with the doctors group I plan to go to. If you're not pregnant or dying your appointment will be about 3-4 months from when you call to make it.

Rob's granddad had another heart attack this weekend. He's doing good right now, but it still scared me. I know how much it would mean to him for us to have another healthy baby. And I want our baby to get to know their great-grand parents too. So every month that we come up empty I feel like I'm not just letting myself down, but I'm letting down a lot of people.