Transparent

I've always wondered if I'm as transparent as I think I am sometimes. I've always shown my moods and what's going on inside of me via my appearance. I started dying my hair as soon as I could in high school. It went from dark brown to plum to jet black to reddish brown to blond. I've dressed like all different kinds of groups. In junior high, I was dressed like a "white girl" for about a year. I wore tight Wrangler jeans with boots, and I teased my hair or used a crimping iron on it. I wanted to rebel from everything that I knew. I had spent my whole life so far never feeling like I really fit in with the other kids so I decided to find a totally different group of people to hang out with. Kids always teased me that I acted like a "white girl" so why the hell not be one for real.

I kind of mellowed out from 8th until 12th grade. I accepted who I thought I was. I was Miss happy perky pep squad girl that had money. I dressed in the latest fashions ranging from Nike, Adidas, Gap, Girbaud, Cross Colors. You name it, I probably owned it. I loved clothes and accessories. I loved dressing up.

After graduation, I started dressing like a goth. I dyed my hair jet black and wore nothing but Jincos and leather spiked accessories. Once I graduated from high school I realized that I really didn't have much going for me. My whole existence had been my friends and my life in high school. Now I was alone since my friends were all going different directions, and college is a lot different than high school. I was angry and I was depressed so my appearance showed that as best as I could.

Once I started working a real job while in school I had to change my appearance yet again. I had to look like someone in a business office so I shed the leather and the huge jeans, and adopted polo shirts and khaki pants. I had gained a lot of weight and I was ashamed so I wanted to hide my body as much as I could. It took me a while to come out of that funk and shed some weight. I started to date and happier. I wanted to attract guys and I knew I couldn't looking like a dude. So I ditched the polo shirts for cute blouses and sexy clothes. I started getting my hair cut and wearing make-up again. I started to see myself as a working woman that was a sexy diva on her off days.

I changed myself again when Maddie died. I cut off my hair as short as I could stand it and died it light brown with blond highlights. I needed this change as a part of my mourning. I needed to symbolically do away with a part of me. My heart was broken.

I've reinvented myself so many times, but the soul has remained the same. I'm not even sure why I've always used my appearance as an indicator of my feelings. I don't think I'm done yet either. I know that I still have a lot of growing left to do.