Enough

When is enough really enough? I'm so fucking tired of my life and my heart being shit on and torn apart constantly. I don't think I've asked for too much. I just want to be a mother to a living child that's all mine. I don't want to be a dog of the state anymore. I don't want to feel inadequate anymore because the jobs that my husband and I work don't allow us to afford to sign up with a private adoption agency and adopt a newborn, sign the papers, and walk away as that child's legal parents in a matter of months if even that long. Unless we win the lottery, we will be 40 years old by the time we save up $15,000 or more to pay for an adoption. And hey the $15,000 is a reduced rate because we want to adopt a bi-racial or black baby! We could choose to only save $10,000 and try IVF, but with my body that's a huge gamble.

I pray all the time that God intercedes for Fuzzy, and let's him stay with us forever. I pray that he won't get lost in the system and shipped to a home where he will probably become another poverty statistic. I don't want my son taken from me just because I didn't give birth to him, and sent to someone that can't raise him to be a strong man and an asset to society. But so far all we've seen is a bunch of people that don't truly care about him. They say they do, but they don't. They just want reunification at all costs.

Today we were blindsided. We were told last week that he would be going for an hour visit today. But after we dropped him off at daycare his CW calls and says that they are taking him for a 2 night visit, and he will be back Wednesday. She claims that she would have called Friday, but their phones in the office weren't working. That's a load of shit! If she wanted us to know in advance, then she would have called us from her cell phone. I think they want us to mess up so they can use it against us in court in December. They want to pick him up for a overnight and he not have his medicines. But thank God, Robert was at home so he could take the medicines to the daycare and get pictures of how he looks before they picked him up. So now we have to deal with this every week from now until the court date in December. Even though the CW hasn't told us, I know that the December court date will be our make or break hearing, and I'm going into ready to fight or die trying.