Merry Christmas

I'm getting ready to head to church for Christmas eve service. I ran across this a few minutes ago and wanted to share it. It's been a while since I've seen this myself. I hope everyone has a wonderful and joyous Christmas. Love ya'll!

I think Christmas will always hold a special extra meaning to me for as long as I live. It was the day I found out I was going to be a mama back in 2005. So as much as I love the holiday, it still hurts. We went to a toy store this weekend, and I couldn't keep myself from looking at the pink Escalade powerwheel and imagining Maddie riding in it. I could just see her on Christmas morning chasing the dogs in her new car. She would be doing so much stuff right now. This would be the Christmas that she would start to understand what was going on around her. I wonder if it will ever get any easier or will I always tear up when I think of what she would be doing. I try to remind myself that she doesn't get just one day of Christmas. It's Christmas all the time for her.

Taking a Break

I turned in my 2 final papers for school yesterday evening, and I could feel myself being lighter and happier instantly. I am so happy to be done with this session, and I will enjoy the month break until my next set of classes. I have learned that this university is no joke. This is not the University of Phoe*nix this is a real graduate program, and I have to work my butt off starting from the beginning. I am looking forward to my next class because this will be the first theology class I've ever taken. I know the kids will be happy to have all of my attention back now, and Rob will enjoy not being a single parent of 2 toddlers. I'm LOLing right now because Fuzzy just came up to me and started rolling his dump truck up my butt! My house is a wreck right now so I will be cleaning and finally putting up our tree this weekend. Also I have a bunch of shopping to do because I have not had a chance to get much done the last few weeks. I am happy that I have all my big stuff ordered and on it's way to me or it's recipient (I hope Avi loves her gift!).

Well, there have been no changes since I last posted except Fuzzy's CW mentioned that his BM may be moving to my town. Ughhhhh! L will be spending Christmas here since the family visit has been canceled. I'm glad because I don't want to deal with her regression and attitude again after she spends a week with her family and then has to come back here.

I plan to post more the next few weeks so I guess I'll get to work on my house now, and TTYL!

Party Mayhem

We went to a Christmas party/dinner for our church band tonight. I am thanking God that I am at home now on my couch in my comfy pjs and the 2 bad ass kids are in bed. I will not...let me repeat...I will never take those 2 kids to another party that is not a child's birthday party ever , ever, ever again. I think we were there 5 minutes when L started in with her screaming and crying because I asked her to go back in the living room because the kitchen is not a playroom. I promptly took her outside, squatted down to her level, and talked calmly to her. Yeah, and that worked out so well...whatever. So after a few minutes of this not working I asked her did she want to play with the dog. That shut her up quick.

Then we had dinner. L ate all her food rather quickly, and I know it's just because someone else fixed her plate. If I had fixed it she would eat like she usually does at home, either it would take forever or she would eat. Then Fuzzy decided that he was hungry but didn't want to put in the effort to eat for himself. So I had to sit next to him the whole time feeding him. I barely got to eat for myself. Once we gave up on him eating, he roamed around playing. He kept getting a hold of things that he shouldn't and throwing horrible fits anytime someone told him no. I was ready to go long before I normally would have wanted to leave just to get them both home and in bed. Another thing is that people don't listen and don't remember that we don't want L staying in people's laps and being carried around like a baby. We're trying to break her of that dependence on people especially the need to run to and hold on to strangers. She does a lot of inappropriate things that we have been trying to work on.

We got home and I put Fuzzy to bed with no problem. L fought and cried and screamed for sometime until I finally gave up and just left her in the room screaming. She stopped a few minutes later. These fits of hers drive me crazy. I just have to walk away. I just want to scream because they make no sense at all.

I have learned that the next time someone invites us over I have to drop the kids at the grandparents or get a babysitter if I want to enjoy myself.

Cute Video with a Meaning

Update

We got to the court about 1:15. BM showed up shortly after that, and tried to hold Fuzzy. He was not having it. He kicked and squirmed and cried so she gave him back. He wouldn't even touch or look at her. She tried a few more times to get him to sit with her, but he pitched a fit each time. When we got in the courtroom, the judge asked us to let her hold him. We tried to hand him to her, but she said no he's better off over there. I'm kind of glad because he would have pitched a fit, and the judge may have decided that he needed more visits because he's not bonding with her.

No change. The social worker did what she said she would after her district supervisor told her to not change the case plan and they recommended that the case goal remain as reunification. The judge still thinks that the BM has made "so much progress" which is a load of bull. So we will continue supervised visits in the office, and go back to court again in March. At least we will have our little man for Christmas. I keep praying for strength because this process is so hard. I will never do this again.

Pictures

I just realized that I haven't posted any pictures of the kids in a while. So here's some from the last month. Most of these were taken the weekend we thought they were going to take Fuzzy away from us. One of these days I will get a new picture of L that I can post. Everytime I pull out the camera she will stare at me the whole time. She never looks away!

Court

Tomorrow we go back to court at 1:30 PM. I got a call from the CW asking me to bring Fuzzy so he can visit with his BM. WTF? I've seen other foster parents bring the kids to court, but it doesn't make any sense to me. What kind of visit can you have in a court room waiting for a case to be called? Also I refuse to stay any longer than I have to for the case. I'm using my time off for her to visit. Her scheduled visits are Monday and Wednesday not Tuesday. They canceled his visit today without telling me. It would have been a simple courtesy to tell me so I wouldn't spend time in my busy morning getting his diaper bad ready for a visit. But no that's too much to ask for. I'm supposed to bend over backwards to make things as easy as possible for them, but eff me.

We're praying that the judge will intercede in this stupidity and wishy washy social worker game. I'll update here hopefully tomorrow night. Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes.

I'm less than 2 weeks from the end of my first term in school working on my graduate degree. Currently I'm in Human Services with a concentration in Executive Leadership. I know that I want to get into a field where I can help people, and make a difference. I've been thinking and toying with the idea of changing to become marriage and family therapist. But I don't know. The field I'm in now has several different concentrations that range from business to marriage and family to end of life care. I just don't know. My main problem is that I need to decide between staying with human services or moving to counseling since they have different classes. This has been a hard term since it's my first one after being out of school for years plus having to work full time and take care of the kids and the house. I'm taking off a day next week to spend the whole day reading and catching up on my final papers that are due on the 18th. I've got all A's right now and I want to keep them!

I'm Still Here

I haven't posted in a while because I just haven't felt like talking. Fuzzy's CW called last week to say that they (her, her supervisor, and the district supervisor) discussed the case and now they are not going to recommend changing the case plan to adoption. So basically they think that what BM is doing is still not a big deal, and she should get even more time. We're praying that the judge will see things differently and change the case plan. But all we can do is pray and trust that God will take care of Fuzzy and us.

We had a nice Thanksgiving. My brother and his family were here so we got to spend some time with them. My niece has gotten so big since I last saw her, and she's crawling around so well. She kept giving me these huge grins. It was fun to watch Fuzzy playing on the floor with her.

We did some black Friday shopping, but we didn't go out until later in the morning to avoid the craziness. Saturday was spent at home most of the day until we went to dinner with some family. Today I woke up with a horrible migraine and congestion. I could barely see straight. I managed to go up to the church to get the computer ready for the 2 church services before I came home and crashed for several hours. I'm still not feeling too hot, but I'm forcing myself to stay out of bed at least for a few hours before bed.

L came back from her extended family visit. She's been acting up, but I know it's because she's upset about having to leave her siblings again. There's no way to really explain to a 2 year old that she's just going for a visit. We cut her a lot of slack. But we also can't let her just run wild and get away with breaking all our rules because she's been away.

Praise Report

We went to court today, and Fuzzy is still with us! The case was called and the judge ordered BM to take another drug test, and said that if it's a good test then she would have something positive to tell her. Well, she left with the bailiff to take a test. We sat and waited for 30 minutes before she came back. Then about 20 minutes later the CW came out and pulled us aside. She said that we must have had a lot of people praying for us. The test was not good so we will go back to court in December. They will send the test off to another lab to confirm the results. And in December they will be recommending the case plan be changed to Adoption. My heart just about leaped from my chest when I heard that. God is so good. Robert and I were both prepared to go into this hearing with guns blazing with our attorney, and put everything on the line. But something kept eating at me about doing this. I prayed about it and felt led to not go that route. I felt like we were trying to make our own way and not following God's way. Then we got our horrible news this past week, and started praying. I prayed and prayed for God to give me the strength to follow his plan. I knew that nothing would happen to Fuzzy that was not already in God's plan. So for now we are celebrating that our son is home, safe and sound. We will continue to pray, and thank God for everything.

Thank you to everyone that has been thinking and praying for us. I love you all!

In the End

Today we got the worst news possible. Fuzzy is going to leave us on Tuesday. His case worker, her supervisor, and the district supervior met earlier this week and decided that he has been in care too long. And his Bm hasn't done anything to him yet that would let the state terminate her rights. The fact that she puts him in danger all the time doesn't matter. He has to actually be physically hurt. The system is broken, and there isn't anything we can do to fix it. So they have moved court up from Dec. 6 to Nov. 17. They are recommending to the judge that he be returned immediately. No one cares about all of the evidence of her not taking care of him and riding him around on the interstate sitting in her lap. No one cares! I managed to hold myself together while his caseworker was here. I did tell her that I pray nothing happens to him. But if it does it's on her head. Rob and I took off this afternoon, and spent the day in the park just letting him play. We took lots of video and pictures. Tomorrow we're scheduled to take family portraits...our last pictures with our son. I'm trying to remember that this is all according to God's plan, and nothing will happen to him that God has not intended. But it still hurts so much. In 3 days, my son will be taken away from the only home he's ever known, and dropped into a horrible, horrible place. I pray he will overcome, and make something of himself.

I'm not even sure why I pulled up the website, but something lead me to do it. I started looking at the available children again on the state foster care websites. On there I found an adorable 10 year old little girl. Her little write-up sounds great. She's doing good in school, doesn't have any medical issues or emotional issues that we know of, she loves Dis*ney and H*annah Mon*tana. I wanted to know more about her and find out where in the state she's living right now. I don't know if this will lead to adoption at this point, but you never know. I contacted my licensing worker, and she's getting in touch with the case worker for this child so we can talk with her. I'll keep you posted on what happens.

Hidden Gems

My sister-in-law sent me this email today, and I wanted to share it with ya'll. It's so true and something that I will have to keep reminding myself of especially if things don't turn out well for Fuzzy and us.

Hidden Gems

Sometimes we have an experience that we don’t understand, but if we look deeply, or wait long enough, a reason for that experience will usually reveal itself. All the events in our lives lead to other events, and all that we have manifested in this present moment is the result of past events and experiences. We cannot easily tease apart the many threads that have been woven together to create our current reality. Experiences that don’t make sense, as well as any that we regret, are just as responsible for the good things in our lives as the experiences we do understand or label as "good."

This is especially important to remember at times when we feel directionless or unsure of what to do. It is often at times like these that we take a job or move to a place without really knowing if it’s the right thing to do. We may ultimately end up leaving the job or the place, but often during that time we will have met someone who becomes an important friend, or we may have an experience that changes us in a profound way. When all the pieces of our life don’t quite make sense, we can remember that there may be some hidden gem of a reason that we are where we are having the experiences we are having.

It’s fun to look back on past experiences with an eye to uncovering those gems - the dreadful temporary job in a bland office building that introduced you to the love of your life; the roommate you couldn’t tolerate who gave you a book that changed your life; the time spent living in a city you didn’t like that led you into a deeper relationship with yourself. Remembering these past experiences can restore our faith in the present. Life is full of buried treasures. Chances are, you’re sitting on some right now.

Low Standards

It's 2 AM and my son is coughing and hacking in his sleep. We can't get and keep him well, because we have to keep sending him to spend time with that idiot. No matter how many times you tell her that he can't be around smoke, she doesn't care. It pisses me off to no end that some people are held to such low standards that most people wouldn't even consider them parents or even a free teenage babysitter just because they gave birth. She makes him sick. She puts in him a lot of danger every time he's with her, but it's ok because she gave birth to him. I would die for him, but it doesn't matter because I didn't give birth to him. It's ok for her to ride him around in her lap in a little smoke filled pick-up truck. It's ok for her to feed him so many whole grapes that he's pooped whole grapes for 2 days. It's ok for her to let him sit around and marinate in a dirty diaper to the point where his private is red and irritated. I guess the judge will only see a problem is what she does lands him in the hospital, and even then she may just ignore it like everything else.

Next week, Fuzzy will be gone for 4 days, 4 whole days. God help me and God protect him.

My little boy is gone again tonight, and will be gone tomorrow night. I hate this. I feel so lost without him here. I should be able to get a bunch done on my homework, but I can't because I keep thinking about him. Everything here reminds me of him. His little shoe was in the middle of the floor where he walked out of it last night. His favorite stuffed frog was where he dropped it this morning when we left for daycare this morning. I'm trying to keep my faith that things will work out for our family, but I can't help think that we will walk in court next month and they will snatch him out of our lives forever.

Hallweenie

We survived Halloween, and I'm glad it's over. Our church always has a huge Trick R Trunk on Halloween, and the band played this year. This meant that Rob and I would be busy with the band, and not have enough time to watch both of the kids. Thank God Robert's mom was able to come and keep up with the kids. We had a great time, and there were 1,200 people that came to the event which is the best turn out ever. By the time we got home we were all exhausted. I was in bed about 10:30, and very happy that the time changed last night. Thank you for the extra hour of sleep! Here are shots of the kids in their costumes and our costumes. Fuzzy the Dragon and L the Ladybug

Robert dressed as Shikamaru from Naruto (minus the black hair)

Me dressed as Temari from Naruto (minus the blond wig. I tried, but it just looked a fool.)

Putting on a face

It's odd and interesting to me how some days the littlest thing reminds me of Madison. Sometimes it's happy thoughts and sometimes they make me cry. Today I'm going to the 1st baby shower that wasn't a close family member (mainly my brother) in 3 years. I have avoided showers like the plague. Events like these open up wounds that are barely healed. I wasn't even completely happy during the little diaper shower my co-workers surprised me with when we got placed with Fuzzy. I dream of having a real shower, and sitting in front of everyone with a huge baby-filled belly. I'm not even sure why I'm participating. I think it's because someone blindsided me 2 weeks ago and asked me to come. I didn't want to tell the person no, and I most definitely didn't want to explain why I don't do showers. I'm tired of the looks of pity people give me. So I lie and put on a big smile, and I will walk my gift over to the shower. Thank Goodness the shower is for a guy that works here, and his pregnant wife won't be here. Also I have to leave early anyway to take Fuzzy to his post-op appointment to make sure all is well in his ears.

Enough

When is enough really enough? I'm so fucking tired of my life and my heart being shit on and torn apart constantly. I don't think I've asked for too much. I just want to be a mother to a living child that's all mine. I don't want to be a dog of the state anymore. I don't want to feel inadequate anymore because the jobs that my husband and I work don't allow us to afford to sign up with a private adoption agency and adopt a newborn, sign the papers, and walk away as that child's legal parents in a matter of months if even that long. Unless we win the lottery, we will be 40 years old by the time we save up $15,000 or more to pay for an adoption. And hey the $15,000 is a reduced rate because we want to adopt a bi-racial or black baby! We could choose to only save $10,000 and try IVF, but with my body that's a huge gamble.

I pray all the time that God intercedes for Fuzzy, and let's him stay with us forever. I pray that he won't get lost in the system and shipped to a home where he will probably become another poverty statistic. I don't want my son taken from me just because I didn't give birth to him, and sent to someone that can't raise him to be a strong man and an asset to society. But so far all we've seen is a bunch of people that don't truly care about him. They say they do, but they don't. They just want reunification at all costs.

Today we were blindsided. We were told last week that he would be going for an hour visit today. But after we dropped him off at daycare his CW calls and says that they are taking him for a 2 night visit, and he will be back Wednesday. She claims that she would have called Friday, but their phones in the office weren't working. That's a load of shit! If she wanted us to know in advance, then she would have called us from her cell phone. I think they want us to mess up so they can use it against us in court in December. They want to pick him up for a overnight and he not have his medicines. But thank God, Robert was at home so he could take the medicines to the daycare and get pictures of how he looks before they picked him up. So now we have to deal with this every week from now until the court date in December. Even though the CW hasn't told us, I know that the December court date will be our make or break hearing, and I'm going into ready to fight or die trying.

Success

Friday we finally got Fuzzy the surgery that he's been needing for months. He had tubes put in, and is doing great. And if this keeps him from having ear infections and constantly having fluid in his ears, then all the time spent in doctor's offices and being pissed off at the BM for not showing up on time don't mean anything anymore. Right now he's taking a much needed nap next to me on the couch after being put in "time out" for the 3rd time for hitting L. We're planning on having a nice, boring weekend at home. As long as the rain stays away, we'll take the kids to the park this afternoon. After a long, rushed, stressful week a little time at home and outside in nature is just what everyone needs. I hope everyone has a nice weekend!

Back in the Swing of Things

My 1st week back at work has been busy as hell. I knew I would have a ton of emails to read, but there are so many that need to be taken care of immediately and a bunch of them that are late. I've spent the last 2 days working on a huge filing, and thank God I finally got it wrapped up. But then I immediately dove into another huge one. Fun times!

I got a call from the ENT's office that will hopefully be doing Fuzzy's surgery next week. We have to get BM to come back to the office to sign all the paperwork again for some stupid reason. It would make too much sense for her consent to cover this type of surgery with this doctor. I don't even remember there being a specific date on the consent! Ughhhh. We also have to take him Monday to his pediatrician to get checked out and cleared for surgery. Even though we just took him to the pediatrician a couple of days ago and he was fine. Then we turn around the next day and take him to the ENT for a pre-op check-up. WTF? Why do we need to have the same check-up 2 days in a row? Sounds like a bunch of doctors milking the system for all it's worth for no reason. Thank God I was able to get the CW agree with me that Fuzzy didn't need any visits, especially overnight visits until after his surgery. But hopefully next Friday, Fuzzy will finally get his long awaited ear surgery.

L has been on one for a while. Last night she kept making herself gag by crying with her mouth wide open while holding all her saliva in her mouth (I'm not sure that explanation makes sense). While I was combing her hair after her bath, she threw up twice! She hates anything dealing with grooming from baths to hair combing. But these are things that I won't stop doing. I try my best to make it easier on her, but there's only so much you can do with a big head of kinky hair and a child that loves to get very, very dirty.

We're planning on taking the kiddos to take pictures Sunday afternoon. We haven't taken L to take professional pictures yet, and I just got Fuzzy a nice little suit and tie set. Crossing my fingers that they both behave and take some good pictures.

Me

I'm going back to work in the morning after 3 weeks of medical leave. I'm ready and not ready at the same time. I know that I still have things to do around the house, but I know that I have a lot of work to take care of at the office. My blood pressure is doing great. I don't know if I'll be able to keep going to the chiropractor as much as I have been since I won't be able to just go anytime I want to anymore. I've been working on a schedule for me to help me make better use of my time. So my plans include going to bed as soon as possible after I get the kids down so I can get up earlier to exercise in the morning. I need to get back in a consistent exercise routine again. I am too effing fat right now. I hate the way I look now. I'm tired of depending on drugs to keep me healthy. Medicines will only do so much. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm almost 300 pounds. I used to be a size 12, what the hell have I let happen to me? No wonder my cycles are so out of whack. No wonder it's been almost 4 years since I've had a pregnancy that didn't end in miscarriage. There's only so much stress I can eliminate from my life, but there are some things that I can make better. I've got a couple of weeks before I start classes to work on my Master's degree again. I'm planning on having another couple over this weekend for dinner. I've started voice lessons again. I love to sing and it's been a long time since I've done more than sing in the car. I need to fill my life and enriching activities instead of food and fears of what will happen with Fuzzy. So that's where I am right now.

Still running 90 MPH everyday. I have only had 1 relaxing day so far, and I'm 2 weeks into my 3 week leave. Tomorrow, Fuzzy has to go for a 2 day overnight visit. In order to keep me sane, Rob and I are going on a short trip. I can't bear to be in the house without Fuzzy. At least if I'm not here, I will only worry about him 95% of the time he's gone. I've been talking with an attorney that's friends with my brother about whether or not we should obtain legal representation. My brother is worried about us getting a lawyer because one of his friends is a social worker in TX, and she says that she has seen foster parents dropped for getting a lawyer. The department looks at it as you are working against them instead of being part of their team. I just don't know. I don't want to go to court in December and the judge ignore us or evidence never make it into the case, and Fuzzy gets shipped home. I want us to do everything in our power to make sure that his interests and safety and happiness are preserved. But I don't want things to backfire on us either.

One good thing is that my new med is still working good. My blood pressure has been staying in a great range. The chiropractic sessions are going good too. I don't think that I will continue going 3 times a week for much longer, but we will see. My health insurance only pays for 20 visits...humph

Well, gotta go the kids are finishing up dinner and I still need to finish packing everyone up.

Sick people

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. A lot has happened and a lot hasn't happened. I'm on medical leave right now because of my blood pressure being sky high for the last few months. It finally started to take a real toll on me and start messing with my vision a couple of weeks ago. So I took some time to see my doctor and he was not pleased. My average readings over the past 3 months had been in the 200's/ 100's. My blood pressure should stay below 130/80. He wanted me to go on leave immediately, but I put it off another 2 weeks because there was just too much going on at work to walk out without any notice. So I will be trying to get myself together over the next few weeks.

I started seeing a chiropractor this week. I've read a lot of studies that show that if certain vertebrae are out of alignment or pressing on certain nerves it can cause your blood pressure to be higher than it should be. And yep, I have both of those issues. Who would have thunk it? So I've been popped, cracked, sqooshed, and pulled more than I ever wanted to be in my life this week, and I have a lot more to go.

My doctor finally has the time to switch my medicines from the ones that I was put on when I was pregnant. I'm glad because this means hopefully taking less medicine to control my blood pressure better. He was being cautious changing my meds because I might not respond well to getting off a medicine I've been on for over 3 years. So I needed to be resting and monitored closely.

We were supposed to have buttons put in Fuzzy's ears today, but Monday we found out he had bronchitis. This is after the BM actually showed up and signed the papers for his surgery. So now we're enjoying the 3 times a day nebulizers and lots of meds. Hopefully we will get him well soon so we can get him back on the schedule for the surgery he so desperately needs.

Last weekend, Rob's mother scared the crap out of us by saying she thought L had the mumps. L had complained on and off about the side of her lower jaw hurting and it was slightly swollen. I knew she was behind on her immunizations, but she has had the one for mumps. Rob took her to the after hours clinic and they ruled out mumps, strep, and mono...Thank God! She has some infection so she's on an antibiotic and a decongestant.

Oh yeah and on top of all this fun, my allergies have been acting a fool and Aunt Flow shows up 2 weeks early. Ain't life grand!

This weekend has been very tiring and I'm thankful it's finally slowed down enough for me to just sit on the couch for a while while the kids play. Our A/C went out Friday which sucked! My buddy wasn't able to get out to the house until Sunday afternoon so it was hot as hell in here until then. He was able to patch it until we can get a new start-up capacitor. Hopefully it won't be too expensive. I've also been cleaning the house from top to bottom and doing tons and tons of laundry. The end of this process is in sight. Hallelujah!

L has been acting up a lot lately. She's got a nasty attitude toward both Rob and I. She's been rolling her eyes and refusing to do things. She's trying to boss Rob around by hitting and yelling at him. It took almost 2 hours to get her to eat her lunch today when I know that she was hungry and that it was food that she likes. If I say one word to her sometimes she starts screaming and crying. It doesn't matter what I say or how I say it. I thought things were getting better, but now it's back to me wondering if she needs to live with us or not.

Fuzzy is walking a lot better now, and actually walks more than crawls most days. Tomorrow afternoon we have a court hearing on his case. We're not expecting much to happen, but we will be there to testify if asked. Friday is L's next FTC so I will go to that one this time instead of Rob. Then the week after all of this, Fuzzy will be having tubes put in. His CW is going to ask the judge to give us permission to sign for his anesthesia because they feel like his BM will be a no show when she has to come sign the day of the surgery. She doesn't think he needs the surgery even though they have explained to her several times about his chronic ear infections and the possibility that he could lose his hearing. But she's thick headed and thinks that this is normal. It's not normal for a 1 year old to have had 9 ear infections! I'm praying that they get the order so that we can get him the surgery he needs without having to worry with her stupidity.

I'll keep ya'll posted on what's going on in my world. I hope everyone has a great Labor Day. TTYL!

4 Years

I meant to post this yesterday, but I was so busy that I didn't get a chance. Yesterday, was our 4th wedding anniversary. We didn't do anything special, but we're hoping if time permits to take a little getaway at the end of the month. A nice romantic, trip for 2 to see Metallica in concert in Dallas and have some good food. Yep, that's our kind of romance- metal and sushi. I still can't believe that it's been 4 years since I was a new bride. Time really does fly. I wonder if I'll be saying the same thing 21 years from now?

One of my favorite songs was and still is our wedding song, Nothing Else Matters by Metallica. Back then it meant that nothing in the world meant more to us than our love for each other and our relationship. When Madison was born, it expanded to our love for her. Now it's evolved even more. I'm so blessed that I listened to my heart and not my head, and stepped outside of my comfort zone to fall in love with Robert. He's rather strange to most people, but to me he's everything that I never knew I wanted or needed. I love you, Rob!

Metallica Lyrics

I can sum up me in one word: depressed. Nothing new has happened really. Fuzzy's case is at a stand still. His next court date is supposed to just be a 3 month review so nothing special. We will attend in case the judge wants to talk to us about the crap that went on with his overnight visits. L hasn't been progressing much, actually it depends on who she's around. She wants all of our attention so she tries to act like a baby around us, and it turns into a huge battle to get her to do somethings that we know she can do. She's not even trying to communicate with me most of the time. Her therapist and everyone has been working on getting her to point to what she wants. She was doing it for a while now not so much. I can sit down on the couch with some goldfish crackers. Fuzzy will come over to me and reach for the box or hold out his hand. She will stand about 4 feet away and just stare at me. If I ask her what do you want or say show me what you want. She will just stare or smile. To me that's not communicating correctly. It's so frustrating.

Our 4th wedding anniversary will be Wednesday, and the 4th anniversary of my sister's passing will be Friday. Madison was due on our 1st anniversary. I just wish I could get pregnant again. It's been almost 4 years since I got pregnant with Maddie. I wish I could be normal again. I want a child of my own that man can take away. I want to be able to take my child to the doctor and not have to explain that this child is not legally mine. I want to make decisions for my child without have to have a court order. I want to be a normal mother again.

I want the tears to stop welling up in my eyes as I type this. I want my husband to understand my pain. I want him to stop calling me cranky. I'm not simply "cranky". I'm not a baby nor an old woman. I'm angry, frustrated, brokenhearted, disappointed, run over, suffering, and so much more that I can't put into words. I need to be happy again.

A friend of mine posted this on her blog a while back, and it just feels right for me to share it again:

"A Pair of Shoes"
author unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Updates

We've been so busy and constantly running lately. It upsets me that we never got around to visiting Maddie's grave last month at all. I always said that I would go out there at least once a month because I was not going to be the parent that gets so busy in their life to neglect their angel. I will not miss another month.

Fuzzy stood up on his own today without using anything to help him! I think that he will start walking soon. It's hard to believe that it's almost been a year since he came to live with us. We've stopped trying to potty train L until she's willing and able to communicate with us consistently. She's still trying to pretend that she doesn't know how to feed herself correctly, but we know that she does because she does it at daycare and for other people like my mom. She's been saying more words on some days while other days she won't say much. I'm so glad that the speech therapy has started, and I can't wait until she's really talking with us like a normal 2 year old. She's a nice kid, but damn she can drive me crazy sometimes. But things have gotten much better over the past few weeks which is good.

I've started singing with my church's praise band, and it's been fun. I haven't sang with a group since high school. I've been practicing and I need to practice a lot more. I like to bring my "A" game to the table. We're working on a CD which took up a big chunk of my Saturday. We go back in the studio in 2 weeks to record my background vocals. So there will be a lot of singing going on in my house and car for the next couple of weeks.

I finally found out about my job, and I'm ok with the decision. I'm hoping that as everything gets lined out in the next few weeks that my job will be a lot less hectic and more structured.

Today was not a good day. I don't know why I'm always in a bad situation at work. I try to keep a low profile and just do a good job, but there is always something that happens to screw that all to hell. I can't say what happened, but my ass is in the crapper right now. Ughhhhh. It's not like I purposely did this, but people that I thought were adults overheard me tell another co-worker something that I didn't know was confidential and felt the need to spread it like the latest celebrity BS. Thanks a lot you nosy azz people!

One good note is that the kids liked my chicken and dumplings. They both were smiling and saying Mmmmmmm while they were eating. I'm glad that I'm actually getting L to eat some normal food instead of only eating spaghettios and Vienna sausage.

We've been running and running the past few weeks, and I'm looking for things to slow down at some point. The kids are doing fine. L is starting to act out more and more, and push us. She pushes Rob a lot more than me. Her speech therapy is going well. Some days she talks , and you can understand some of the things she says. While others she just babbles and points. Things are looking more and more like she will be with us for quite a while. They've almost exhausted all of their options of relatives that have come forward as possible placements. They're down to 2 that they are doing home studies on.

I still don't know anything about my job at this time. So I'm just working and hoping for the best. I'm putting it all in God's hands because worrying isn't going to get me anywhere.

I went shopping with Fuzzy and my mother-in-law, Kathey, yesterday since there were some awesome sales going on. We were having a tax free weekend too which just made things even better. I hit up my favorite seasonal upscale consignment shop, and got the kids a ton of fall/winter clothes. I also got a travel booster chair and some walking wings for Fuzzy for a total of $10! Then we went by the mall (which was freaking packed like it was Christmas). My back hurts because I forgot to pack the stroller so I had to carry Fuzzy most of the day. That little boy gets heavy fast.

In the middle of this, I was able to get in to my salon to get a trim. I hadn't had my hair cut in 4 months and desperately needed it. But I hated the way my hair looked when I was done because my stylists will get a little too "high fashion = big freaking wild hair" on you. Also my hair was really dry. My hair has gotten used to sulfate free shampoo. So when I finally made it home from shopping, (I can't believe I went all over town looking like an effing picked chicken) I gave myself a deep conditioning rinse with heat treatment which helped a ton. But all in all I'm satisfied with my salon visit because I got a good hair cut. Transitioning my hair from relaxed to natural has been an interesting journey. I've learned a lot about my hair, and I know I've got a lot more to learn as time goes on. But I'm lucky I found a great line of products fairly early on that have been a huge help for me.

Before
After
Well, it's past my bedtime so I'll be going for now.

Dear Evil Witch,

I would prefer it if you made your arrival either early or on time. When you are several days late, I can't help but get a faint glimmer of hope. I start to think that maybe this month we will get our blessing. I try to ignore the calendar when you're a day or two late since you're usually very early or perfectly on time. But when you're several days late, it pisses me off because I know that you will be here soon. I try to be a rational infertile and chalk up every "symptom" as PMS, but those pregnant fantasies still creep into my mind. I know, I know...I should know better by now. But please help a sister out and bring your ass on if you're coming to visit this cycle!

Sincerely,

Ashley aka The Temperamental Mama

Pity Party

I'm just feeling really low right now. I've been letting myself go for a while, in part due to stress and in part due to being depressed. Everyday I find out about another person that's a fat ass just like me has gotten pregnant and had a non-eventful pregnancy. They go home with their perfect child to lead normal lives. While, it's been 2 1/2 years since we've been trying and trying and trying with no change. I can't believe that some people have been trying so much longer than that, and somehow still have their sanity. I just don't know what to do. I want to try, but it's just one more thing that I will fail at again. I just want to get a chance to walk on easy street just once. I want to live a normal life. I want to be the only person that makes decisions for myself and my kids. I don't want to have to go to a bunch of meetings and let my kids be abused by someone just because a judge says so. I just want to be normal.

Updates

The FTC went pretty well. I got a chance to talk with the CASA supervisor since she sat in on the meeting, and she says that she will be in court the next time we go. She's a very nice woman that knows a lot about BM's history because she was with CASA when BM was a foster child several years ago. BM didn't even show up for the FTC. She claimed that she was sick, but she didn't call to tell anyone. She called about 15 minutes after the meeting started to return the CW's phone call. Everyone there was horrified by the photo of Fuzzy's behind after his last overnight visit. It will be presented to the judge. Nothing was changed on the case plan, but we're hoping the case will be changed to TPR when we go to court in September. I don't want to get my hopes up though.

Too cool

I wish I could have pulled off a wedding like this couple.

FTC

Tomorrow is the 2nd FTC, Family Team Conference, we will attend for Fuzzy's case. I'm starting to get nervous since I'll be going by myself because of work conflicts. I have Fuzzy's lifebook, a new picture to give the social worker showing how bad his butt looked after his last overnight visit, and reports from the daycare showing how his mood and health changes when he has these extended visits. I don't think I mentioned that he had an overnight visit the day after his birthday. He was brought back to daycare the day after the visit at 11 AM. The daycare called me at 1 to tell me that he had already had 3 nasty, painful blowouts. His bottom was bloody raw. I had to leave work early to go get him a couple of hours later after his 5th blowout. He was screaming in pain. I was in tears for my son. We're still trying to get his bottom back to normal and that was a week ago. Also the CW told me several other things that the BM had done wrong on that visit like being at her mom's house even though she's been ordered to keep Fuzzy away from there. The CW had to pick him up from there. The BM's mom volunteered the information that they had been feeding him whole milk and spaghetti! This child had not had any formula in 24 hours! WTF? How do you even think that it's a good idea to "wean" a baby overnight and feed him greasy spaghetti all day? CW has told me that they are planning on stopping the overnight visits because of all the problems and BM's inability to follow simple directions. I'm hoping that Fuzzy's attorney makes this meeting so I can meet her and talk with her. I know it would be too much to hope for termination to become the new case plan, but I can't help but hold out a little flicker of hope. Please keep me and Fuzzy in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow. I'll update as soon as I can. Thanks.

Play

I love just being a mom and watching my kids play.

Saturday

I'm enjoying my Saturday at home with not much to do. L is spending the day with my mom. My mom is determined to potty train her so I'm letting her try. My mother-in-law has taken her to use the big toilet a couple of times, and she's told Rob that she was about to wet her diaper a couple of times. She's never told me or given me any indication that she was ready to be potty trained. Also her lack of communication hasn't made me rush to start this transition. She just started speech therapy yesterday, so hopefully that will help her start communicating with us better and more consistently. Fuzzy took a nice nap, but woke up cranky as hell. He's now happily playing in his car while we watch Inuyasha. We're planning on grilling tonight which I'm looking forward to. After last weekend's festivities and constant running around it took me several days to fully recover so this lazy weekend is very much appreciated.

I know I promised more pictures from the party (and one from his birthday the next day), but I only have a couple that aren't full on face shots of Fuzzy. So here's what I've got.

Happy Birthday

My son turned one today, and I'm so happy and blessed to get to celebrate and share this milestone with him. He's changed so much over this past year. I was looking at pictures of him from when we got him and how he looks now. It's amazing to see him grow from a helpless, immobile baby to a very vocal, very, very mobile, opinionated, funny, happy little boy. His smile melts my heart everyday. Hearing him call me mama makes a bad day, a good day.
We took him to my stylist Friday to get his first real haircut. He looks so handsome. His birthday party was a lot of work, and we were exhausted and sore by the time it was done. But it was so worth it. We had lots of family and friends there all wishing Fuzzy a happy birthday. I'll post some pictures as soon as I get them uploaded. My bro took a bunch of shots for me too so hopefully it won't take him too long to send them to me. Everyone loved the hamburgers and hotdogs. Rob got lots of compliments on the food. I'm glad that putting the food in slowcookers to keep everything warm after he took it off the grill worked perfectly. We were able to grill a couple of hours of before we ate, and everything was still nice, hot, and juicy.

Fuzzy got a room full of toys and some clothes. He's sitting in one of his favorites right now, a Radio Flyer rocking horse. He will sit in that things for 30 minutes or more just bouncing and laughing. Thanks Auntie Kelley and Uncle Jim! He loves his Cozy Coupe, but he's still getting used to getting in and out of it himself, but he does loves opening and closing his car door. Thanks Tia Janet and Tio Corey! We officially need to buy another toy chest to hold all his gifts. We'll take our time introducing a new toy or toy to him every few days so. I tried not to stress too much about things that didn't turn out right or the stuff that we forgot to bring with us to the party. Everyone had a great time and that's what I wanted.

Fuzzy, Mama and Daddy love you with all our hearts. We're so thankful and blessed to have you in our lives and to get the privilede to be your parents. We pray that we will get to support and guide you through all of life's milestones. But no matter what happens, you will always be our son. We love you!

Party Time

I would have updated sooner if I heard from Fuzzy's CW earlier, but I just got a call from her today. She let me know that BM got mad when she told her that NO she wasn't going to get Fuzzy's for his birthday. That we had already planned to have him out of town weeks in advance. After getting an attitude didn't work then she tried the waterworks, but that didn't work either. CW just told BM that the judge had already approved it. Plus the district supervisor had decided that BM will not have anymore weekend visits for a while after reading our list of problems with his last visit. She will still have overnight visits sometimes because the judge ordered it. But the visits will be during the week so that CW can check up on Fuzzy and see how things are going. She will be able to see how he is when he leaves our care and how he is when he's returned to us. So his next visit will be Monday and CW will bring him back Tuesday morning to the day care. I'm not happy about the overnight visit, but I'm thankful that we will have our son with us for his birthday.

CW told me that they did go over our list of problems from the last visit with BM. And she actually had the nerve to try to say he had a diaper rash when we gave him to her, but she forgot to mention it to anyone or take a picture. Isn't that just convenient? It's nice that we have the day care backing us that no his butt was perfectly fine on Friday evening when I picked him up. But when he comes home Sunday afternoon his butt is raw.

I've still got tons to do to prepare for this weekend. And it's time for me to run and pick up the kids before band practice so gotta go!

Updates

Fuzzy's BM called about an hour ago saying that she didn't know that it was her day to have him. I don't know how else you need to explain to someone when you tell them every other Saturday. I think that's pretty simple. You get a damn calendar and you mark every other freaking Saturday from the start date! But I expected this. I know that she's thinking that if she didn't visit this weekend that next weekend (Fuzzy's birthday) would be her visit day. But I thought about this happening already so when these Saturday visits started I requested and received the judge's authorization to take Fuzzy to Dallas next weekend. BM just kept saying that she's planned him a party and all her family is traveling here for it from Phili and New Orleans. Yeah right! She said that she'll work something out with the social worker when she gets back in town next week. I just kept my mouth shut. BM is not going to ruin Fuzzy's 1st birthday. He will enjoy himself with the family he knows and loves.

Well, we were expecting to hear from Fuzzy's BM this morning because today was supposed to be his 2nd overnight visit. She didn't call us so we called her at 9 which should have been an hour before we met, and her phone went straight to voice mail. Rob left a message. I called back about 10:30, and got the same thing. We were told that she was having visits every other Saturday. CW is out of town right now, but we called and left her a message anyway. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'll be damned if she thinks she's getting him next weekend for his birthday. No ma'am because one it's not your week I don't care if you flaked out this weekend and two we've already gotten the judge's sign-off to take him to TX next weekend. I'm not calling anymore. I'm not keeper. I've done all that I think I should do.

Let's Get Ready to Rumble

I'm past fed up with the system and it's lack of work. Yesterday, transportation picked up Fuzzy at 9:30 from day care. They sent him with 4 diapers, some wipes, a jar of food, a bottle, and a change of clothes. He was dropped off at 1:45 PM with all 4 diapers, wet clothes (the same ones he left in), and a bottle full of cloudy water. He was starving. He had not been changed that entire time. WTF? Really? How can an office full of "professional workers" have a baby in their care for almost 5 hours and never bother to change him? How can you possibly teach his dumb ass BM how to parent him if you can't do it either? I can't be with him all the time, but stupid me thought that he would be ok with a bunch of social workers. His actual case worker is on vacation right now, but her supervisor was supposed to be there. I called the supervisor and basically got rushed off the phone. I told her what happened and asked her why this happened. All she said was that BM was supposed to change him during her visit. WTF? Aren't you supposed to make sure she does this? Aren't you supposed to make sure he's taken care of correctly? Or are you "too busy" to give a damn.

I'm in the process of gathering all of my documentation to send a copy to Fuzzy's attorney. I've never met her, but I have her address. It may not do any good, but I'm going to try anyway. Someone has to be willing to go to bat for this child. I will do everything I can for him as long as I can.

I'm just wondering is it normal for a 2 year old to take 1 1/2 hours to eat a bowl of cereal or take 45 minutes to eat a small muffin and half of a banana? L and her eating drives me crazy. She can't eat a burger as a burger, like picking it up and biting it. Nope, she starts taking it apart and rubbing it. Yep, she rubs everything she eats except for fruit for minutes and minutes. She sits there and caresses the food and then she tears it up. She may or may not eat more than a bite or two if you don't sit there and feed her. But I'm sorry this child is 2 and needs to learn to self feed. The annoying thing is that she feeds herself at daycare, but that's it. With us or anyone else if she's not being fed then she is molesting the food. Then she starts rubbing the fork or or spoon all over her face. I have no clue if this is normal or not. I've never been a around a child that acts like this so I'm not sure. I wonder if she's autistic. The therapist that evaluated her said that it's possible because of some of her odd behaviors, but she suggested that we give her a few months of speech therapy before we have her tested for autism. So I guess we will wait unless something changes.

Hi

We had a visit on Monday with the social worker (even though she was late getting her like so often...bitch was freaking shopping when I called to ask her why she wasn't here at noon like she should be...WTF...moving on!). I had already typed out everything we had observed about his behavior after the visit and everything that had happened. SW thanked me for doing this so she could make sure to have everything documented for his file and show it to her supervisor. I also told her I would mail her the pictures I took as soon as I got them uploaded from my camera and printed out. I'll get them done this week since the SW told us she will be on vacation for the next 2 weeks anyway. I've got her supervisor's numbers if I need something while she's gone. SW was very upset about how this visit went, but she expected it to not go well since she knows that BM shouldn't have unsupervised overnight visits. But what can you do when the judge thinks they know more than anyone in actually involved in this case on a daily base. I told SW that I want to be told about every hearing for this case because I will be there. We have the right to testify and I will. I will go to battle for my son. If I lose, I will know that I fought the good fight.

I'm glad that this weekend is a free weekend. We're planning on grilling today (yum ribs and boudin), and pulling out the baby pool for the kids. Rob wants to shoot fireworks so we will go by the fireworks stand that's walking distance from our house tonight to get some supplies. I know that Fuzzy has been around them before, but L may freak out. We'll have to start small and see how it goes. I'm debating about going to the big fireworks show in the park tonight.

I'm still working on Fuzzy's birthday bash that will be 2 weeks from today. I've got the cake ordered and the paper goods purchased. I'm still kind of iffy on the cake. We're doing a Se*same Street theme, and I found a cake I like. I went to my usual baker to order it and they quoted me $65. I was shocked because it was originally $78 until I lowered the number of servings. This is the cake. The only thing that the baker is doing is the cake and the cupcakes. I'm putting the decorations on it myself since. I just wonder if I can get it from someone cheaper. I know this bakery's quality. They made our wedding cakes, and they were so good people were talking about them for weeks! I've got the invites printed I just need to address them and mail some of the out. Most of them I will hand deliver. I'm going to price renting an E*lmo or Cookie*Monster costume since we have a couple of friends that would be willing to wear them for us. I just want this to be the best 1st birthday party for Fuzzy. This may be our only chance to give him a birthday party so we have to make it good. Well, there's a little hand with a smiling face grabbing my leg so I gotta go. I hope everyone has a wonderful 4th of July!

My weekend

We met BM at 10 AM Saturday to drop Fuzzy off. I cried most of the way there, but pulled it together before anyone but Rob would see me. I got Fuzzy out of his car seat, and he was asleep so when BM grabbed him from me he opened his eyes for a second and went back to sleep. I got back in the car while Rob gave her a small diaper bag that we packed for him. BM says, "You didn't have to do that." Like we were giving her a damn gift or something. Idiot! BM showed up riding with an older lady and at least they had a car seat in the car for him. Fuzzy woke up as Rob was going back to the car and gave him a very confused look when he realized that BM was holding him and Daddy was leaving. It broke my heart to let him go because I knew he was not going to be taken care of the way he should be.

All day Saturday I rearranged furniture and cleaned and cleaned. I had to keep busy to keep my mind from dwelling on him and wondering what was going on with him. Saturday night BM called me to ask if she could keep him until 1PM so she could take him to church. Trying to be nice, I agreed. We got to the meeting point at 1 and my phone rings. It's BM saying that she's going to be late because she doesn't have a ride and Fuzzy is asleep. WTF does Fuzzy being asleep have to do with anything, I don't know. I hung up on her and called the social worker. I left SW a message about what was going on. We decided to head home since it was 102 degrees and we're sitting in a parking lot with a 2 year old that's hungry and it's at least a 40 minute drive from BM's home to where we were. We stopped to get lunch and headed home. By the time we got home BM called and said she was on her way. So we headed back. I know we could have waited at the house a while and then left, but we were too anxious to get Fuzzy back.

BM shows up about an hour after she called in a small white pick-up truck driven by some little wrinkled white man. Whoever the hell he was no one knows? Something told me to have my camera ready when they pulled up. And I was right BM was holding the car seat in her lap with Fuzzy in it unbuckled. If they had been hit or had to make a sudden stop there was nothing there to prevent him from flying through the front windshield! I snapped a picture and jumped out of the car. Fuzzy saw me and started smiling. He practically jumped from her arms to me. His pants were soaking wet. A few words were exchanged but she didn't mention anything about how his visit went. I walked to the car and immediatly took his pants off and changed him. His diaper had started to fall apart it was so heavy with urine. Fuzzy looked like hell. He had these huge bags under his dark, sunken eyes, but he just kept smiling at us. You could tell he was so happy to be home. His hair reeked of smoke. And this is after she was been told time and time again that he has severe allergies and asthma so he doesn't need to be around smoke!

When we got home I checked his bottom to find it raw and red. I took a picture of this too for his social worker. I weighed the diaper to find that it weighed almost a pound! A dry diaper is only a little over an ounce and this diaper weighed a pound! His social worker said to just pack him a small diaper bag because BM should have everything he needed. So we sent him with 2 diapers, a premade bottle, an almost brand new can of formula, his medicines, butt paste, and a bath tub book. That bitch kept the formula and the book and his clothes he had on that day. Good thing I dressed him in play clothes and cheap shoes because I would have beat her ass if she kept some Nik*e or Str*iderite shoes! I'm not even sure if she fed him the formula we sent because the SW said that she saw a big can of formula there when she visited the home the day before the visit. Also from 3PM to 8PM, Fuzzy had 4 seperate poopy diapers that were nasty. This child normally has 1 or 2 a day, not 4 in a 5 hour span.

I spent several hours sitting on the couch holding him so he could sleep. At one point he let out a horrible scream and it took me a a few minutes to get him to stop and look at me. As soon as he saw me he said mama and fell back asleep. Even if Rob was holding him he had to keep me within eyesight or he would cry. He's normally not like that. He's always to independent unless he's sick. I wish I knew what the hell she did to him. I don't know how anyone can think putting him through this stress is good for him. I know it won't get any better because BM is stubborn and doesn't listen to anyone. She wants to do things her way and it doesn't matter that it's hurting Fuzzy.

Preparations

I'm sitting here watching Fuzzy crawl around with one of his blocks happily playing on the floor with his daddy. I just finished feeding him and packing his diaper bag. And in about 2 hours I have to put my son in the lions den aka leave him with his birthmom for an overnight visit. My heart is racing and breaking at the same time, but I'm being strong for him. I don't want Fuzzy to know that I'm upset, and he can usually tell pretty easily. I've planned several cleaning up and rearranging my house projects for today to keep myself busy. I've asked everyone to pray for Fuzzy's safety on this unsupervised visit, so if you're the praying type please pray for him. Thanks

Coming out of hiding

... kind of. I can't believe it's been so long since I blogged. I've been so busy with work and the kids and traveling. There have been some changes in Fuzzy's case plan and not for the better. The judge decided that Fuzzy's BM was not getting enough time to bond with him since the case plan was left as reunification so she ordered him to start overnight visits every other weekend. WTF? This dumb bitch completely ignored the CW and CASA's recommendation that the BM get longer SUPERVISED visits and work from there. Nope, the judge decided to throw an 11 month old into a place he's never been before, without anything that will give him a sense of security, alone with his BM that per the CASA volunteer "thinks that he is like a baby doll not a real human being." So this Saturday, I have to hand over my son to an idiot that will probably do God knows what to him because she doesn't like to follow directions from anyone. I won't know how he's doing until I get him back the next day. She has my cell phone number in case of emergency, but WTF am I supposed to do when she's 50 minutes away from me? I don't understand anyone with a brain thinking this is a good idea. The judge actually decided this after the BM threw a temper tantrum in court because she thought that since they were going to court she was getting him back that day. Even though the CW has talked to her 2 times before telling her that they were recommending that she work her plan for another 6 months. On top of all that, it came out that she has a history of drug abuse and has not been tested to see if she's using now or not! I was literally sick when the CW called me with this news, and I'm getting worse as the day draws near. Fuzzy has been sick for the last week and is very moody and high maintenance right now. I pray that he will be safe with her, but I'm not sure that he will be.

On a happier note, my brother and his girlfriend got married this weekend. It was a lovely small wedding with just family and some close friends. I got to be the photographer, and use my bro's new Ca*non EOS R*ebel T 1i. I'm in love with that bad boy. I can't wait to see the printed pictures. I was the 1st person to take pictures with it :) We took both kids with us to TX, and that was something I don't ever plan to do again. L had a screaming fit for about 10 minutes the 1st night in the hotel out of no where. And Fuzzy refused to sleep more than an hour or so at a time the whole 2nd night. I was exhausted. I'm still tired. For the most part, we all enjoyed the trip. And I'm just thrilled to have Janet as my sister-in-law and her son, Alex, as my nephew. I didn't take too many pictures with my camera since I was using the big daddy camera, but I'll share pictures when I can.

The day after the wedding, Avianna, was dedicated in church. It was nice being there for that, and she looked angelic in her little poofy ivory dress. We were supposed to go to my bro's house afterwards and to celebrate, but I didn't get much celebrating done. We were there about 30 minutes and realized that Rob packed Fuzzy's bottles in the wrong bag. So we had a hungry baby with no formula. I tried to feed him some solid food, but he didn't really want it. So I made the 20+ minute drive back to the hotel alone. I missed a turn and got kind of lost, but I found my way back. I was upset that I had to go back for the bottles and then I got lost and then on top of that my mom called my cell phone complaining about how long I was taking to get back. This is from the woman that made a 5 hour drive an 8+ hour drive because they got lost on the way to TX! Then my bro called me a couple of times because my mom was bothering him about it. And I just lost it. All of the pent up anger and frustration from the last few weeks at work and the issues with Fuzzy just came to a head. And I went off on my mom when I got back to the house. I know I said somethings I shouldn't have, but her nagging just set me off. I was hoping this weekend would be a nice time where I wouldn't feel like I was being berated for one thing or another, but her comments ruined the rest of my day. She's not really talking to me that much right now, and I know I will apologize just because it's my mom. Next time I will just have to avoid her.

I'm currently planning Fuzzy's birthday party which is getting bigger and bigger and bigger. We've decided to have it in the gym at our church since my house is not set up for a party of this size. Also this will allow everyone to get in the air conditioning if they are not on the playground with the kids. I still can't believe that my little man will be 1 in a matter of weeks. Time really has flown by.

I'm in a state of anger, confusion, fear, and just plain pissed off right now. Fuzzy's permanency meeting was supposed to be tomorrow morninng. But at noon today I found out that they moved it to this morning and I fucking missed it. Yep, they fucking moved a meeting that was supposed to have 4 lawyers and several other people in an hour. This is what the CW said on her message she left on my cell phone. She called my damn cell phone while I was at work even though I've told her over and over to call my office during work hours. I don't keep my cell phone on my desk because everyone with a brain calls me at work! So I didn't know that she called me at 8:05 and 8:39 to tell me about a meeting at 9. That bitch will get hers one of these days. I hate her! She has screwed us over too much. Rob is under the impression that the BM and the CW are friends that's why shit like this happens. I know that I do feel like it was done on purpose to keep me from being able to be there and voicing my opinion on the case. It doesn't help that a couple of weeks ago she sat in our living room and told us that they were not going to give the BM extension because there was no reason why she couldn't have worked her plan. But then a week later she was talking about recommending the BM get another 6 months. So guess fucking what....the BM gets another 6 months. Yep, Fuzzy will be a year and half by then. We're all the family he knows, but that doesn't matter to anyone. Just because BM squeezed him out does not make her the best option to raise him. But like I've learned over these months no one cares what kind of life she can give him. They just care that she's BM. And we don't matter because we're just foster parents.

Permanency

This Wednesday is Fuzzy's permanency meeting. I'm getting nervous. This point has always been so far away and now it's looming in front of me. I'm going alone due to work constraints for Rob. I'm not even sure what I'm walking into. I know that the BM will not be there. I know that Fuzzy's lawyer, BM's lawyer, Dad's lawyer, CW, her supervisor, and an adoptions unit worker should be there. But that's about it. I've had some people tell me that it will be just like the family team conferences, but I'm not sure. The CW had said 2 different things to me about the meeting. One day she told me that they were not going to recommend that the BM get any additional time to work her case plan and recommend TPR for a court date in August. But about a week later she said that they will probably recommend for her to get another 6 months. WTF? How can things change in a week? I don't trust them to do things in Fuzzy's best interest even though they claim that they will. She's had a year to work her plan and they've been helping her along the way yet she has been going against them and doing things "her way". I would do anything for Fuzzy so why is it so hard for her to follow directions for him? Why keep giving her chances? Will you let him spend the years and years in foster care just to keep giving her chances to do what she needs to do for him?

Today sucks, well actually work has sucked for a while. We're working on a big filing and right now we're doing a lot of keying in of data and other boring mind-numbing stuff. But to top that off I can't stop worrying about Fuzzy. They took him again today out of town for a visit. I hate this. This crap throws off his whole day, and then he doesn't have me or Rob there to help him cope. The CW doesn't even bother to tell us. They told the daycare yesterday that they would come get him today. This is how I found out. I hate the system.

What's Happenin'

Well, let's see what's happened since my last post:

I think L had a good birthday. She loved all of her gifts especially the cheap little baby bottles for her dolls. She loves her playhouse and her new doll. We met her grandmother and mom at the park the afternoon of her birthday so they could spend some time with her. It was nice seeing her happy, relaxed, and smiling.



On Friday, we had L's Family Team Conference and my department was having an out of the office fun day at the lake. I had planned to go to the FTC, but I've missed too much work lately. And in order to make sure I could get the time away from the office I will need in a couple of weeks approved I had to miss the meeting. So Rob took off Friday to go to the FTC for us. I had already spoken to L's mom several times about giving her another little party that day with her siblings. L's mom told me that the only thing she needed us to bring was the cake. I should have known better than that. Rob took the cake and an extra set of plates (just in case) with him. The family had a bunch of junk food and that's all. They didn't even have plates or a damn knife for the cake. Thank goodness I picked out a cake/cupcake combo so all they ate were the cupcakes since they couldn't cut the cake.

During the FTC, Rob learned a lot more about L's mom and all her issues and let me tell you that there are a ton of them. He also learned that L is lactose intolerant. WTF? Really...you're just know mentioning this. This child has been with us 2 months and has been having the foulest, nastiest diapers I have ever seen. I have almost thrown up several times. So now I've switched her to soy milk and I'm praying that things will get better.

L is still crying at the drop of a hat for almost anything. I keep talking to her about why she shouldn't be crying the way she does. She's also still screaming bloody murder when it's time to leave daycare or the church nursery or just leave someone that she just met in the hallway for a minute.

Wednesday evening , we're meeting with the therapist to have L evaluated. I'm hoping that she's eligible for as much help as they can give her because she really needs it. People joke about it, but I really believe that if she doesn't get professional help that Fuzzy will start really talking before she does.

Speaking of Fuzzy, he's cruising everywhere. He's not too interested in standing without holding on to something, but he's pulling up and walking all the time. I've started planning his birthday party and trying to figure out where we will have it. Right now I have about 50 people on the invite list so it's starting to look more and more like we will not have it at our house simply due to space and cost. Renting a tent and tables and chairs is pretty $$$. We will have his permanency meeting next week. I'm praying that they don't extend his BM's time. CW mentioned that her supervisor told her to talk to BM about surrendering her rights, but we all know that BM won't do that. She will drag things out until the end because she's not thinking about Fuzzy and what's in his best interest. I truly believe that she's had plenty of time and opportunities to do what they ordered her to do. But instead she's trying to make things appear to be good enough to hopefully fool people into just sending him home. The CW sees what she's doing, but will that help things I don't know.

Here's a couple of pictures of my son.


Well, my hair is almost dry so I can go to sleep soon. I'll try to update more often, but this week will be hella busy with Vacation Bible School each night after work until 8:15. Thank goodness it's only a week.