Congrats

It's about time one of the best metal bands ever finally got what they rightfully deserve. Metallica FINALLY got inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this past Saturday. Metallica has been a part of my life for a long time, and a big part of my relationship with Rob. Our first trip together was to one of their concerts. "Our song" is "Sabbra Cadabra" by Metallica. We danced to "Nothingelse Matters" at our wedding. And Madison was conceived with Metallica's Black album playing in the background. LOL...that was probably TMI wasn't it. But anywhoo I love this band, and I'm glad that their greatness has finally been recognized! Rock On!

Small Steps

Today was our first time since we got L to take her around a bunch of people since we visited the daycare for a few minutes on Friday. I got up at 7 to go by the church to put my overheads on the computer for the 9 and 11 services. I got back home a little after 8 to a screaming banchie of a child while the rest of the house was sleeping through it. So I got Fuzzy up, changed, and bottled. L woke up while I was doing that so I fixed us both some breakfast too. After everyone was fed and playing, Rob woke up. We got everyone ready for church. Fuzzy and L both went to the nursery, but only Fuzzy stayed. L was holding on to us and started to cry as soon as we got about 3 feet away from her. It was just easier on everyone to take her with us to church since I didn't want to burden the girls in the nursery with a crying, scared child that was actually too old to be in there. L should be in an actual class, but I know she's not ready for that. Church went pretty well. We only had to have the "don't touch that button, don't touch anything on the computer, don't touch anything other than the chair you're sitting in and the paper/pencil I gave you to play with" talk about 6 times throughout the service. L didn't really care for all the people talking to her, but hopefully that will improve with time. I'd love for her to be able to run and play with all the other kids her age.

Since L didn't survive the nursery we decided to play it safe and have Rob's mom come over to our house to babysit her and Fuzzy while Rob and I went back to church for drama practice. No fear...I'm not acting in the play. I'm doing my usual overhead function and Rob is running the spotlight. L did good with Rob's mom so at least she's warming up to people other than us. Fuzzy was already in bed by the time we got home. I fixed L some dinner since Rob's mom didn't feed her. I can't blame her because she didn't know that L will either not answer questions or she will say no to most of them. So when she asked L was she hungry she said no.

L has really gotten attached to Rob, and he's really good with her. She's always wanting to be with him and for him to hold her. So I've been taking more care of Fuzzy and taking a back-up roll with L making sure she's fed, clean, and stuff like that. I know it's wrong, but I find myself being jealous of their relationship sometimes. I'm jealous because my heart is screaming that this should be my husband playing with our daughter. But no our daughter is dead. She never got to play with her daddy. I would have died for her, but yet there are people that can have a kid as easy as 1+1 and throw them away. It's hard sometimes. People keep saying that we're so good for doing this, but then at the same time I'm wondering how much more of this can I take. I want to help the kids, but at the same time my helping is hurting my heart.

Exhausted

Day 2 in Tinyville:

We all slept pretty well last night, and got up around 9 the next morning. I tried to get L to eat, but she won't eat anything but the apple juice I keep giving her. I guess that's better than nothing. We were running late getting Fuzzy to daycare, and his BM was early for her visit. The 1 freaking time she's early would be the day were really late. Ughhhhh! The daycare called us, and I told them Fuzzy would be there soon and to tell his birthmom to shove it. I knew they wouldn't tell her that part.

After dropping Fuzzy off, we had to go to wal-mart to shop for L. It took us a grand total of 4 hours to get the shopping trip done. 1 of those hours was us waiting for the social worker to bring her slow ass there to pay for all the stuff we had to get L. But I'm proud of myself, I got her a ton of cute clothes and managed to stay within the allotted amounts.

When we got home, Rob and I started back working on the spare bedroom so we could move L in there that night. It took us a couple of hours, but it was ready for her to stay in that evening.

After we finished that I tried to get L to eat one of the little toddler meals I grabbed at walmart. She ate pretty good so I was happy that she was at least eating some food. I gave her a bath after dinner which was a big fiasco. I let L sit and play in the water for a while before I started actually bathing her. I had to change the water because she was so dirty. Then I started on my major project, her hair. She screamed and screamed when I wet her hair. But I had to get it washed. It was so tangled and matted. She finally calmed down a few minutes after I finished. I got her into her new PJs before tackling her hair again. I found a huge sore and ringworms. Fun! How the hell do you let a child get like that?

It took me a lot longer to get L to sleep this night, and she didn't stay down for long. It took us 3 different times of putting her to sleep for her to actually stay asleep. I know that the 1st night she just slept out of exhaustion, but I'm praying that she's easier to get to bed from now on. I was hoping and praying that her loud screaming and yelling wasn't going to wake Fuzzy.

Day 3:

We know have the battle of the munchkins. Fuzzy the 8 month old I was here 1st vs. L the almost 2 year old I can take your toy and walk away are fighting for our attention. I can't give them both a toy to play with because L will take whatever Fuzzy has. Her favorite word is No. We have had the don't kick the baby discussion a couple of times now. She is eating better tho and smiling so that's good. I'm so tired and emotionally spent. I dread going back to work, and having to balance all this with my work.

There's a court hearing Monday so we will know more then about the case and such. Tuesday they are having visitation, but I'm not sure if the parents will be involved or just the kids. Wednesday morning we have L's physical scheduled unless we can get her in Monday. I don't have a bunch of time to take off work, and with this whole merger going on at work I need to be there showing my face. I don't want to neglect my duties as a foster parent, but I need my job too. My job is my bread and butter.

Well, I need to go work on my church stuff while Rob entertains the kids.

2 More Feet

I got called this afternoon at 4:30 about a placement. They didn't even have the children in the office yet, so there was only a limited amount of info that our placement worker could provide. All she said was that they wanted to place an almost 2 year old healthy girl with us, and I said yes. So as soon as Rob got off work we ran over to Wal-Mart to buy a toddler bed, mattress, blanket, and a spare set of bigger diapers.

About 8 PM the worker showed up with the little girl I will call L for now, and her big brother, S. L was curled up in a little ball being carried by the case worker. She didn't have on any shoes, and looked absolutely frightened. She's a small, thin child. S looked us over and then looked around the house. He was being so brave and being a good big brother making sure that his little sister was going to be safe. He tried hard to hide his tears, but couldn't. We promised him that he would see his sister in a few days when we get all the kids together for a visit. I really wish we could have taken them both to keep them together, but we just don't have the room for 3 kids. The CW hurried through the paperwork, and told me to call in the morning for more info because she didn't even have all of it right now. I've got my list of questions already for her.

L sat next to me on the couch sucking her thumb for about 20 minutes watching Blue's Clues, and then she just burst into tears. She cried and cried while I held her and rocked her. She wouldn't talk at all. I tried to get her to color with me, but every time I tried to talk to her, she started to cry again. It was heartbreaking. I gave her an Oreo that she devoured, and then started to cry again. I gave her some apple juice, and that seemed to calm her down a little. Then I changed her diaper which was soaking wet, and she started to warm up to me after that. She sat on my lap and played with me after that.

Rob's mom brought us dinner and brought L a happy meal. L and I sat on the floor while she ate her dinner. She smiled at me and let me help her with her food. Then we played some more. She enjoyed playing "pick up the toy" with Fuzzy. Then Rob, L, Fuzzy, and I played with a ball for a while. Then Rob and I got both kids to bed after some work. I'm praying that they both sleep through the night because I need some sleep. We've got a long day ahead of us tomorrow. I need to give L a good bath, and her hair needs a lot of care. I'm going to try to get L to the doctor for her physical. I have to meet the CW at wal-mart in the morning to get L lots of clothes, hygiene stuff, a car seat, and a lifebook. Well, it's already late so I'm going to bed. I'll keep everyone updated on how things are going.

Spring Cleaning and All that Jazz

Our licensing worker called me Thursday afternoon about placing 2 more kids with us. I thought about it, but knew in my heart that it was too much for us to take on right now. The placement consisted of a 6 year old little girl and her 18 month old little brother. The little girl is in a school on the other side of town from us so that would mean that I would have to figure out how to get her to and from school everyday. Getting her to school wasn't the problem, but picking her up each day 2 hours before I get off work would be a problem. I could have enrolled her in an after school program that would pick her up for me, but getting her in a good one would be very difficult this late in the school year. Another problem is the fact that we don't have a 2nd bedroom set up yet. We have a 3 bedroom house, and the 3rd bedroom is currently my office and a make shift storage for large baby gear. We've been planning on converting this room into another bedroom for that we would be ready for more placements, but we just haven't gotten around to it. So after that call Thursday I decided that it was time to really get down to business so that we are ready when the right placement comes along.

Saturday we didn't get going until about 3 that afternoon. We were both exhausted after being up until almost 4 AM hanging out with friends. So we did some shopping for supplies so I can pack up that room and move it to our computer room. Sunday was Children's Sunday at church so I had extra work I had to do to get my computer presentation ready so that took longer than usual so I didn't get to do any work with the room.

After church today we met some friends for lunch and then it was off for more shopping. Then it was home to start on our project. While Rob put together a new cabinet I bought, I started clearing out the closet and shelves. Also I convinced Rob that we need to rent a storage unit to take a lot of this stuff. It's all things like random stuff I've collected over the years, mememtoes, clothes, and baby gear that Fuzzy has outgrown that we don't want to get rid of but that we need to get out of the way for the time being. So tomorrow I'll call around and find somewhere near-by that's climate controlled and a good price. Because we'll be able to get a lot more done with the room once we can move some stuff out of here. So that's about the extent of my last few days. Fun, fun, fun! My feet hurt and my back aches, as soon as Rob gets back with our fabulous dinner from Taco Bell I'm eating and crashing for the night because it will be time to go back to work in a matter of hours.

Mama Loves You

It's been 2 years since we lost Baby D. Time passes by so quickly, but I still remember running to the store at 3 in the morning to get another pregnancy test just to confirm it. We were so happy. This was our 2nd chance. But before we knew it, you were gone. Our baby went to join her big sister. Mama and Daddy will always love you and will never forget you as long as we live.

Lord, today I sent my baby to you
Please give her wings and let her fly
She's new at this so take it slow
Teach her how they flutter by
I'll miss her so though we'd never met
And I'll never know her smile
But you need her and now she's yours
She was only mine a while
She'll never know pain
And she'll never know fear
For I know that you will keep her near
And now . . .
I close my eyes to say good bye
And watch her fly away to you
Please keep her Lord, and love her 'till
I get my wings and join you too.

Kymberli Brady
copywrite 1999, all rights reserved

I got an email today with pictures of a co-worker's newborn son. I look at the images on my screen, and I'm happy for her for a moment. And then my heartbreak returns like always. In the time I've spent trying for a baby, she's had 2. So many others I know have had baby after baby in that time. I feel defeated. Almost 3 years later I'm still as hurt as I was the first few days after Madison died. For some reason people tell me to enjoy my time without a baby. Being a foster parent isn't the same because with our own baby we have to be completely responsible for all of their expenses, and you can't give them back. Don't rush to have a baby. Would people tell me the same thing if Madison had lived for a few months or a few years before she died? Would people tell the mother of a child that died in a car accident to enjoy their life without that child? Look on the bright side, you can travel, eat out, not have to worry about day care or babysitters. Like it's a good thing that their child died. People think that just because she didn't live to make it home with us that we could possibly be that attached to her. Other mothers forget how quickly that bond formed with their child when they felt that first kick or saw their baby on an ultrasound. If they had to walk in my shoes would they still want people to tell them to be happy that they don't have a baby. Or would their faces hurt from all the fake smiles they had to display day after day to stop the tears from breaking free. I used to say I've been tried by fire, but that's not exactly true. I'm not done being tried by fire, and I'm not sure when I will be.

Doctor Visits

All is not well in the D household. Fuzzy is sick as usual. His cough sounds like he's got a 3 pack a day smoking habit. He has these horrible coughing fits that usually cause him to throw up if he's eaten anything within the last 20 minutes. He's got so much mucus coming up and then going right back down to his stomach. He threw up all over my mom Sunday. He's been running a fever on and off for the past couple of days. But generally he remains in a decent mood. Sunday I spent most of the day holding him and letting him sleep. My poor little man. He's got a doctor's appointment on Thursday afternoon which will not come soon enough for me.

I had an appointment with my gyno yesterday to see what our next step would be the trying to conceive battle royal. He wants me to quadruple my Metformin dosage to see if that helps with my irregular periods because we know that I am ovulating just not consistently or predictably. So I increased my night time dose from 500 mg to 1000 last night and my stomach is not enjoying it at all. I have to take another 1000 mg when I eat breakfast. God, I wish I sat closer to the bathroom. So I will continue the meds and monitoring my cycle and ovulation for 3 months, and then go back to see him.

One thing that pissed me off was when I went to checkout, I found out that our insurance has changed the gyno to a specialist as far as my co-pay is concerned. So now my co-pay has almost doubled. WTF? I'm sorry but the gyno is a normal part of a woman's health care and shouldn't cost her more to see. Ughhhh!

Mama Mama Mama!

Fuzzy made my day yesterday by saying Mama several times at me with a big smile. This was the first time he's said it while I was close enough to hear him. It just melted my heart. We took him to the park the other day after work because we've been having some beautiful weather the past few days. It was nice to just stroll around in nature watching other families enjoying the park too. I can't wait until he's walking so we let him run around in the grass.

While Rob was rocking Fuzzy to sleep last night he said something that brought tears to my eyes. He told Fuzzy that we will be his mama and daddy until they won't let us anymore. Fuzzy just looked at us and smiled. I love his smile.

I decided that I can't put things off anymore. I have to get back in the TTC circus. So Monday I've got an appointment with Dr. L to discuss moving on to IUI since the clomid therapy alone hasn't worked. I'm praying that the IUI will not be too expensive since our health insurance coverage for infertility is not that hot. It only covers a small amount and the lifetime maximum won't even pay for a quarter of a typical IVF round. It just infuriates me that infertility treatments are treated like something trivial. I'm trying to get pregnant not get a boob job! Well, I'll update on how things go after my appointment.

I'm glad that it's almost the weekend because I'm so tired. I just need to get more sleep, and Saturday is my one day to do that. I don't have anything planned for this weekend other than a little light housework and some sleep. I hope everyone has a nice weekend.

.....

We had our monthly home visit today. It lasted longer than usual which sucked because I ended up being late getting back to work since these visits are during my lunch hour. We found out that the BM moved into her own place last week, and that they will start in home visits soon. The thought of that just makes my stomach upset. I know he's not ours, but my heart doesn't treat him like he's not ours. I really don't know if foster parenting is for me. I've lost so much over the past few years. I wonder how much more loss can I take.

Steakums

I've been reading so many spreadsheets and emails at work that my eyes are crossing. Way too much going on at work right now. My butt actually hurts because I sit down too much. WTF? It's one of those rainy days that make you want to be at home in bed or at least on the couch watching TV under a blanket. But since vacation time is like gold to me I'm here instead of at home. I know that Fuzzy is coming down with something, I'm just not sure what yet. He's been fussy and not himself the past 2 days. Also today he's been throwing up a lot of his baby food which he never does. He's still at daycare since he's not running a fever. And he's still smiley and happy which is a good thing. But I made an appointment with his doctor for Monday anyway because I don't want him to get worse. His congestion had gotten a lot better, but we recently ran out of one of his congestion meds and it's coming back with vengeance. I honestly thought that with the breathing treatments, 2 congestion meds, and antibiotics he would finally get over all this. But not so much. He's coughing a lot more again. My poor little guy and his endless illnesses.

He had a visit with BM yesterday, and was supposed to have another one today but at lunch they still hadn't shown up. They aren't making any friends by saying they will be there and then not showing and not calling. We've got our monthly visit from Fuzzy's social worker on Monday. I look forward to these like I look forward to a stomach virus. His CW drives me nuts. I can only think of 1 thing that she did without me having to call her several times and hound her to do it. We still don't have Fuzzy's social security number so we still can't file our taxes. I don't want to file and then have to turn around a amend them to include him as our dependent. Uncle Sam has held onto my money long enough...I want it back!

Tonight the guys are coming over to kill monsters, and I'm ready. I need to release some anger. I'll be making philly cheesesteaks and steak fries for everyone. I hope they turn out good. I've never used Steakums before, but they were on sale so I figured it was worth a shot. I think Steakums is just a funny word....Steakums...LOL!

A lot happened to me today. I hadn't blogged about the fact that we got called last week about possibly adopting a baby that is due this week. We were in the running with another couple. This would be the 4th baby that the 27 year old BM was putting up for adoption. It would be handled by a agency down south which contacted our agency to see if they had any families that would take a full African American baby. We were very hopeful that this one would work out for us.

Our adoption worker from BCH called me this morning to say that the birth mother was being presented with our profiles and letters today to make her final decision. She wanted to know more about us. So I hurriedly wrote another letter to tell her more about our likes, hobbies, faith, church involvement, and what type of adoption we would prefer. I had less than an hour to write this letter.

Our adoption worker from BCH called to tell me that the birth mother really liked us, but chose the other couple because she was more familiar with where they live. She doesn't know the area where we are. The BM had a hard time choosing between us. I guess that's a way to make the decision on who should raise your child, but it's not one I would choose if I were in that situation. When our worker called I could tell she was on the verge of tears. She felt so bad because she feels like she's always getting our hopes up only to give us bad news. I told her that we were fine. We know that when we're called for the child that's meant to be with us, it will all work out. I know that everything will be decided in God's time, not our time.

Today, we had our annual performance reviews out of no where. We usually get a couple of days notice, but this time I got my meeting notice 10 minutes before the meeting. But I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I'm being promoted to Analyst II. I was shocked actually. I'm glad that all my hard work is being noticed. I got a great raise too. I was smiling from ear to ear all day. Rob and I are going out Saturday to celebrate.

Today was a good day.

Can't hold my tongue any longer

I said that I wouldn't talk about the octobitch on my blog, but I'm sick and tired of seeing stories about her. Will someone please explain to me why the hell anyone is giving her anything? This was not some accident or "miracle". This loony toon had IVF and had 8 babies at 1 time. This was done deliberately, and she should have to deal with the consequences of CHOOSING to be single and have 14 kids! I still want to know how someone with no job and on assistance can get IVF when there are actual hardworking women that are not a drain on society that can't afford it? I thought it was bad when I had to start going to get WIC for my foster son, and I had to be around all these lazy ass women milking the government for everything they can get. But oh no....this crazy bitch has taken the cake and expects everyone to give her more because she "deserves it".

I love that I keep running into other bloggers that say it's wrong not to help her with the kids because if we don't then we're punishing the kids. The best help for those kids would be getting away from her! There are lots of wonderful, loving couples that can't afford IVF or that fertility treatments won't work for that would love to adopt those kids. Just because she had them doesn't make her the best choice to raise them. That woman needs a lot of shock therapy and a padded room.

Now Rob tells me about an article he found that talks about her new house that was purchased with donations. A $535,000 house purchased with effing donations?! Hello people we have people that have always been hard working, but just had some bad luck and lost their jobs and their homes that no one is reaching out to help. But yet people want to give money to Nadya Suleman so she can live in luxury while she sucks on the government teet just because she happens to be a human version of a cat! This makes no sense at all! Everyday there's a new story of her stupidity and everyday someone steps up to give her something. What the hell is wrong with people?

If you want to help kids then donate to a children's cancer or diabetes research fund, volunteer as a Big Brother Big Sister, become a foster parent, become a CASA Advocate...DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN GIVE THIS WOMAN $$$$$!

Stupid Requests

It's amazing how much the foster parent classes and the situations differ than the real world. I know that I haven't experienced anything that can compare to the trials and tribulations of other foster parents. And I tip my hat to them for being able to endure the psychotic birth parents, lazy workers, blind judges to reach out and care for these children. I've learned a lot over the past 5 months we've had Fuzzy (the name that won the poll). And this week I learned that I'm supposed to serve as his mother, but still be an outsider that doesn't need to be told anything by his CW. Monday, the daycare told Rob that the CW had told them to hold off feeding Fuzzy in the mornings that they visit so his BM could feed him. WTF? You want his caregivers to deprive him of food when he's hungry so she can "practice"? It would be different if you all every showed up on a consistent day and time. Then plans could be made to accommodate you. But since you may show up at 9:30 on Thursdays for a couple of weeks and then all of a sudden you show up at 2 PM on Tuesday or Friday without a call to anyone. NO ONE is going to not feed the child because you might bring his BM by to visit. Screw you and your stupid demands hidden behind the veil of a request. Hey CW did you ever think to call me and tell me your plans so that maybe we could adjust Fuzzy's feeding schedule so that it would be ok for him to wait until 9-10 in the morning to eat? The problem is that you don't think!

Today, I found out that the CW also told the daycare to not change his diapers so that his BM could do it when she gets there. Ummmmm....NO! I'm not going to have to deal with diaper rash so BM to play house with a real baby instead of a toy. I can't believe that someone that has a child of her own and is supposed to be a trained professional would tell people to not change and feed a baby knowing that consistency and timeliness are not her strong suits. The CW seems to be more interested in the BM's happiness than the child's care. I could care less if BM is happy or unhappy. All I care about is Fuzzy's happiness and well being.

It's my Life

More Tears

I found out Thursday from the daycare (remember I said the daycare and not the caseworker) that Squeaky's BM will go from weekly visits to twice a week visits next week. I called the CW to see why the case plan changed and we were alerted to this by his daycare. Why the hell should I be finding out info from the daycare? The CW claimed that she was going to call me and let me know as soon as they ironed out the days that she would be visiting. Supposedly their department has gotten a complete overhaul via a new case plan manager/creater or whatever this person is, and this new person felt that S could not fully bond with his BM only seeing her once a week. I understand that in my head, but it doesn't make my heart accept it any easier. I love this child, he's my son. The thought of losing him makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of going back to only being the mother of an angel scares me. The thought of coming home without him brings tears instantly to my eyes. I'm sitting here blogging after giving him 4 different medicines and his morning bottle while he plays on the floor. Now he's giving me a huge grin while he eats a singing turtle. I'm finally a mother to someone that needs me to care for them, and that could all end at any time. I knew the risk going into this, but there's no way to prepare yourself for this. I don't want to go back to the childless life I had before. He's my love, my little boy. I let myself get comfortable in the lie that his CW told us when they placed him with us. We thought it was a high probabilty that he would be adoptable, but it seems like every other day that option is vanishing. I've read the stories of people being told the same thing only to have the child sent back to the parents a year or more later, but I prayed that we would be different. I prayed that I had carried enough of a cross that we would get to be the blessed ones this time. I'm trying to keep my hopes up and just put things in God's hands. I'm trying...

I Won!!!

I'm so flattered that today I got nominated for an award twice. Yep, I go from never getting an award to 2 in one day! WooHoo! I'm glad that my ramblings have been seen as inspirational to some people. I was nominated by Colleen and Gina. Thank you very much ladies! So the rules of this honor are to:

Put the logo on your blog or post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs which show great attitude and/or gratitude.
Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
And be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

These blogs are some of my favorites. Some of them have compelled me to keep trying. Some have taught me and some have made me cry. I have a lot of blogs that I read so this is a short list for me. So the crowns go to:

http://afostermamaslife.blogspot.com/
http://foreveramom.blogspot.com/
http://mynewnormal.blogspot.com/
http://prayingforbaby.blogspot.com/
http://bringinggabrielhome.blogspot.com/
http://deadbabyjokes.blogspot.com/index.html
http://www.glowinthewoods.com/
http://waititngforbabygarcia.wordpress.com/
http://foster2adoptnewbies.blogspot.com/
http://oduamy.com/blog/
http://barrenbride.wordpress.com/

Squeaky

I've decided that it's time for Squeaky to have a new name. When we got him he squeaked all the time, but now he rarely does. He's a lot more vocal now and has his own distinct personality. There's a poll over on the side bar ------>
to select your favorite or just comment here if you have a suggestion that's not listed. Here's the meanings behind the names:

1. Thumper because he loves to jump all the time. He loves his exersaucer because it bounces. He bounces on us, the floor, his high chair, his car seat, everywhere.

2. Fuzzy is a variation on what Rob calls him. He calls him Fuzzhead because of his hair and the fact that the child seems to be a magnet for fuzz. I comb and brush his hair twice a day, and I spend the rest of the time picking fuzz out. Also after his hair is washed he sports a nice mushroom shaped fuzzy afro until Mama attacks his head with moisturizer.

3. Tic Toc (my fav) is because of his favorite sound to make. He makes a very sharp, distinct clicking sound with his mouth and tongue. No one has been able to replicate it, but we get pretty close. He will try to communicate via clicking, and gets a kick out of it if you click back. We've had so many people amazed by this small baby making such a loud, different sound over and over.

4. Smiley is because of ths huge toothless grins he loves to give. I just love his smile and I've taken so many pictures of it. His whole face lights up when he does it, and my heart melts everytime.

So will everyone please vote to help me out. Thanks!

More Stupidity

Yesterday morning I got a frantic message on my cell about 10:45 from S's social worker. "Call me back as soon as possible. I need to talk to you." I was worried as to what the problem was so I called her back. Social worker was calling because she and the BM were upset and concerned that they went to visit S at the daycare that morning and he didn't have a jacket. His BM wanted to take him outside to play during the visit. WHAT THE FUCK! Yes, usually I say WTF, but this story deserves the full phrase. You called me sounding like the world was coming to an end, frightening me to bitch about a jacket! It's fucking 45 degrees outside! Why the hell are you taking a 7 month old outside to "play"? I explained to her that he had on a jacket that I took with me after I dropped him off because it had spit up on it. I would be bringing another one when I picked him up that evening. She said ok and hung up. I was still in shock that she called me upset over this and that she is dumb enough to think it's ok to go along with the BM wishes to take a sick baby outside in the cold and wind to play. UGHHHHHH! Who's going to have to stay up at night with him and take off work to take him to the doctor when he gets sicker because some stupid teenager wants to play outside with a baby? The social worker and the stupid teenager will be sleeping and going about their lives while I have to take care of the baby they got sicker. And you know that BM will try to blame us for getting him sicker.

When I got to the daycare at noon to give S his breathing treatments, his caregiver told me that the social worker and BM were bitching and complaining that he didn't have a jacket. They said "He's already sick, why doesn't she have a jacket for him?" The daycare worker offered his blanket if they really had to take him outside, but the decided to stay inside. After talking to the daycare, I decided that I needed to call my home development worker and S's worker back. I know I didn't say everything I wanted to say to S's worker, and I want our worker to know the shit that they are doing. But when I called I couldn't get in touch with either of them, but I'm not done. I will talk to both of them on Monday. I have documented everything from the time of the visit and the temp outside. I know that I'm not wrong in thinking that S did not need to be outside "playing". It's freaking February not April!

I really feel like his worker is looking for things to be wrong with us. I know his BM has the whole time we've had him. The worker visited us Monday for our monthly visit. She asked us if we give S any water to drink. We said no. His doctor said he doesn't need any. He gets plenty from formula and the diluted juice we give him. The worker said that BM was concerned because she saw during one of their visits that the other babies at the daycare had water in the fridge, but S didn't. One how the hell do you know what the other babies' water was for? Did you ever think that it may be for formula. Everyone doesn't send pre-made bottles like we do. Two why the hell are you looking at what other parents' send for their kids you have no clue why that child has the things that they have. S is not dehydrated nor does he want for anything. We give him everything he needs. I knew that things like this would happen being a foster parent, but it still pisses me off to no end.

I'm almost 2 weeks into my Nutrisystem, and I'm still going strong. I was worried that my D&D/ Valentine's Day weekend off would mess things up, but I made it through without much of a problem. Today I weighed and I'm down 10.2 pounds! I'm so happy. I've got a long way to go, but I'm moving in the right direction.I just have to keep making healthy choices instead of caving to my cravings for junk.

Taking Advice

Every once in a while I will get a fortune cookie that has some decent advice in it. Last night everyone in our house felt like crap in one way or another. So after finally getting the baby to bed, Rob and I took our sick butts to bed early too. I kind of had the munchies so I grabbed a leftover fortune cookie that was sitting on my night stand. I broke it open and started to chow down. I finally read the fortune, and it really hit home with me.

"Only you can change your life. No one can do it for you."

After the past few weeks at work, and the general uncertainty surrounding my job this little fortune was just what I needed. I've been praying for an answer on what I should do, and now I know.

moar funny pictures

I truly believe that there will be in a Wal-Mart in heaven and one in hell. The ones that are in my town and the next town over will be the flagships of the chain in hell. I went last night because I needed to pick up some things to hang wall decor in the nursery and also pack up more of Squeaky's too small clothes. I also wanted to run by Big Lots and raid the Nutrisystem shipment that they got in recently. So I figured we would save gas and go to the walmart that's across the street from where we would be. It's always a ton of fun going shopping with S if he's awake so saving time is always my main objective.

We get to the store which is arranged differently than any other walmart I've ever been in, and makes no sense. Things that are usually near each other are on opposite sides of the store in this place. So after wandering all over the store for our items, we finally checkout with the idiot cashier that has no idea how to ring up a buy one get one free coupon. OMG! He scanned the item and the scanned the coupon and then looked confused. So he voided the item and went to ask someone about the coupon. Then he tried again and then he went to ask the same person another question. We went through this 3 times. And you guessed it, he effing over charged me. I get home and I have been changed for 3 bottles of cleaner, given one free when I only purchased 2 bottles of cleaner! Ughhhhh! It just pisses me off to no end to be overcharged. I don't steal from your store so don't steal from my purse! It will cost me more than the overcharge amount to go back over there to talk to customer service.

Then today I got to check to see why I still haven't gotten an email from walmart about my item I bought online and had shipped to the store on Jan. 29. I've been checking for weeks to see if it was there yet. But the site kept saying it had an estimated delivery date of 2-18. I checked today and it's been sitting in the effing store since 2/11. WTF! No email, not nothing. But it's not like they forgot to take my money for the item 3 weeks ago! Now I have to take the baby back to the store (a different one than the one last night) and deal with more dumbasses to get my comforter set tonight. I freaking hate that store sometimes! I hope I don't whoop somebody's ass tonight.

Weekend

Our Valentine's day was pretty nice. It got off to a slow start, but it ended up well. I had a hair appointment early that morning because I could not take have a head full of nappy hair any longer. That took longer than I expected since the lady doing my hair overbooked herself. So I had fun being crammed into a small shop that's about 12x12 with 8 other people. But that's what you have to put up with sometimes to save money.

We took S to stay with my mom for the night, but she couldn't keep him overnight like last time since she had to be at church early the next morning. After dropping him off, Rob and I ran by Toys R Us to get some diapers because I had a $5 off coupon that was expiring that day. Isn't that romantic? I tried to make the trip as short as possible because it was Valentine's day, and I was looking forward to actually going out this year.

After we left the store, we swung by the cemetery to take Madison the v-day balloon and new pinwheel. Then we ran home to get dressed for a nice dinner out. We decided to go to our favorite Greek restaurant since it's kind of expensive so we don't get there very often. We had a nice time talking and reminiscing. After dinner we came home and cuddled on the couch for a while before we went to pick up the baby.

Today, we have been listening to Squeaky cry, scream, yell, beat, flail, holler, and just plain bitch all day. We think he's finally cutting his first tooth. You can feel it trying to come through. So I know he's hurting, but it's still irritating to listen to. Orajel and pain reliever helped, but he refused to not be held for more than a few minutes at a time. So I haven't gotten much of anything done today. I was able to get a big chunk of the nursery decor changed while Rob occupied S since the new crib set I bought came in Friday night. It's so cute! I'll post pictures as soon as I'm done.

Here's a picture of one of the few minutes that S was not being held or screaming today. Poor little guy, I'll be glad when we're past this process.

Progress

Squeak visited his new doctor on Monday, and he's getting better. Rob took him to the visit and he said that the nurses were very nice and loving with S. The nurse that treated him read over the medical journal that I put together to show all of the visits we've had with no success with the previous doctor. She agreed with us that Squeak's cough and congestion was bad and not "normal" for this area like we've been told before. She put him on the breathing treatments that I've been trying to get for so long without even being asked. She also put him on a new decongestant and refilled one of his better ones that he had been on. Then she sent Rob and S over the the medical mall to have S x-rayed to make sure that there wasn't anything else going on. The x-rays look fine, and he will be going for a follow up visit in 2 weeks. I thank God that we've finally gotten S in to see a real health care professional and not some money grubbing, arrogant asshole!

The breathing treatments have gone ok so far. He fought the 1st couple sessions, but the last 2 he's taken like a trooper. He's been a handful the past 2 days. He alternates between very needy, pissed off, or really giggly.

Tomorrow is our recertification home visit, and I think we've gotten most of the house ready. I just need to vaccume and run the dishwasher. The day after tomorrow is Rob's birthday, and I'm still not sure what we're doing for it. I'm waiting for him to decide. He's already got his gift since it came in hella early from QVC. I got him a netbook or a mini laptop whatever you want to call it. And he's been playing on it for over a week now. I wanted to get something big and something he's been wanting for a while. And easy payments made that a lot more affordable. I just thought about something; he's gotten a computer for his birthday last year and this year. The one last year was a desktop that he had to assemble for the bottom up. I really did marry a huge computer nerd, but I love him anyway.

Frustrated

I've been so tired and frustrated every day I leave work for the past few months, and it's just getting worse and worse every day. I know my job is the reason why my blood pressure has been out of control, and now I'm back on 3 meds instead of 2. Our department was understaffed already with 4 of us doing the work for about 10 people. And now we're down to 2 people. And if you think I'm being paid anymore for all this extra work you're a moron. Nope, we're supposed to "keep our heads down and keep working" like our VP said. To me that's Politically correct code for " Don't pay attention while we butt rape you, and throw you away like a $2 whore as soon as the merger is complete." Moral is so low, it's virtually nonexistent. I've avoided looking for a job outside of the company for a while because I didn't want to leave the company. It's not like there are a lot of decent paying jobs in our town, and right now we can't move away or we would lose Squeaky. I worked for 2 years to get this job so it's hard to just give it up for some dead end job or worse yet going back to the pits of hell aka Chase. I've been talking to my friend, Scott, about another job option that's available to me. But it would be a complete change in careers. Actually a complete change in life. The past 2 days we've been moving heavy ass boxes full of dusty files and binders since we've just consolidated offices. I know we'll be doing the same thing Monday and possibly Tuesday. My back, legs, and feet are killing me, and I need a manicure like no one's business.

Squeaky is sick as usual. He's not too sick to play or eat, but his cough and chest congestion is horrible. You can just feel the rattling in his chest accompanied with his constantly running nose. I finally got him appointment with a new doctor on Monday, and I'm praying that this one does his job and gets him well. It's so freaking hard to find a doctor in our area (actually I've checked in a 40 miles radius) that takes Medicaid. My life would be so much easier if I could just put S on my insurance. Then he could go to any doctor I wanted. I don't think I'm being a nervous mother when I keep taking my child to the doctor because he's been sick since we got him in September! WTF?!!! That's almost 5 months and not to mention the fact that I know he was sick before we got him! He doesn't deserve to never be a healthy normal child sometimes. I'll make a list of all the meds S has been given over the past few months that haven't cleared things up to show the new doctor so we don't end up with the same med again. I need results. I'll let everyone know how the doctor visit goes on Monday.

We also have to get our house cleaned up for our re-certification evaluation with our new home development worker on Wednesday. It doesn't seem like it's been 6 months since we got certified. We will finally get to meet our new worker since the one that certified us moved to a new office back in October. I need to fill out the paperwork she sent us too. But first I need to find it in all of the piles of mail on my desk.

I'm It!

I got tagged today (ok a couple of days ago, I'm late) by Mesa (love ya!):

The Rules:

1. Go to where you store your digital photos and open the 4th folder.

2. Post the 4th picture in that folder.

3. Explain the picture.

4. Tag 4 people.

I had to adjust the rules some because I can't post my 4th folder and picture since it's a face shot of Squeaky. So I went to my back-up photo site and checked the 4th folder and 4th picture.

So here's my 4/4 picture!


This is my 2 week old niece, Avianna. I call her Avi. This was taken on her 2nd day in the hospital laying in her mother's lap. She's equipped with pink mittens since she was born with very long nails and loves to keep her hands near her face. She looks simply beautiful to me in this picture. She's got my brother's eyes and lips, and her mom's hair. I know she's going to be a heart breaker, and my brother with be a boyfriend breaker! Avi had my heart from the moment I found out about her, and she's got her aunt Ashley wrapped around her finger. I love her so much. My brother has gone through a lot in the past couple of years so she is a huge blessing to us all.

Ok, I'm tagging Dream Mommy, Brandy, Kris, and Waiting for Baby Garcia.

It's back

I'm still not sure why I can't seem to ever get Squeaky fully well. We got a call from the daycare Tuesday at noon that he was running a fever of 102 so I left work to go get him. He had slept for 4 hours since I left him that morning and that is not like him at all. This is a child that only naps for 30 minutes usually so I knew he was coming down with something. I was hoping that the fever was because he got shots the day before. He usually runs a temp for about 24 hours or so after his shots, but we try to keep him medicated to prevent that. I brought him home and he went back to sleep. He slept another couple of hours. He would barely eat anything. He just cried and fussed. He would take the bottle and suck a little bit and then start gagging. This lasted all night and into the next morning so I called the doc to get him in that morning. They checked him out and said that his throat was blood red, but the nurse couldn't say for sure if it was thrush again or strep throat. She didn't want to give him antibiotics to treat strep if it was in deed thrush so she called in the thrush med. And wanted us to give it to him as soon as possible and bring him back the next day to see if that has helped. I was hoping and praying it was thrush and not strep even though I couldn't figure out how he got thrush again. I sterilized the crap out of everything that we kept and replaced most of his bottles with new ones the last time.

So I fought him to get the medicine down and gave him some ibuprofen which seemed to help a lot. He was able to take his bottles with a lot less pain. Rob took him back to the doc yesterday, and she said he looked better so we will be sticking with the thrush medicine for the next few days to clear things up. He's back at daycare today, and hopefully having a good day. I just hate to see him in pain and feel so helpless sometimes because I can't figure out exactly what the problem is. I just pray that when the weather gets better he will finally get completely healthy.

I feel like a little kid at Christmas stalking and waiting for my Nutri*system box to arrive. I'm so ready to start. We haven't been eating well at all these past few days with a sick baby no one really feels like or has time to cook so we're running out and grabbing junk. I'm hoping it will get here early, but right now it's scheduled to arrive the middle of next week. Ughhhh! Hurry up!

I had a good birthday even though I wasn't looking forward to it. I kind of felt bad when I left work Friday because only 1 person remembered my birthday. But I got tons of well wishes on Saturday so I know that I wasn't forgotten. Squeak stayed with my parents that night, and they had a good time together. He even slept through the night for them. I'm glad he didn't give them a hard time. Rob took me shopping and let me wander through a couple of my favorite stores without bothering me to hurry up. It was nice. Then we ate at our favorite Mexican restaurant, and had a huge thing of yummy fajhitas with chicken, steak, mushrooms, olives, onions, bell peppers covered in cheese. Yum! I had 2 huge margaritas when got me nice and drunk. I can't remember the last time I got drunk. I know Rob had fun laughing at me. I enjoyed just letting my hair down after being so wound up for so long. I came home and crashed only to wake up at 3 in the morning wide awake. So I watched a couple of hours of TV before going back to bed to get more rest before church.

It took me a long time to decide what I wanted for my birthday. I would go back and forth between jewelry, clothes, and other random things. But I kept feeling like that really wasn't what I wanted. I wanted something more important than a new purse or a new outfit. I decided that I wanted to try Nutri*system. I'm so damn tired of being this fat. I've always been chubby or as I like to call myself, thick. But the last year or so it's just gotten out of hand. I look at pictures of myself when I got married, and I don't see myself. I see someone that's beautiful, but I don't feel beautiful at all now. I also think that my weight is really holding me back from getting pregant again. I know that people much heavier than me get pregnant everyday. But I don't think my body functions correctly at the weight that I am. I feel like God wants me healthier before I get pregnant that's why it's been almost 3 years since I was pregnant with Madison. I'm not getting any younger, and I'm determined to give birth again and this time bring my baby home in my arms. So after researching and talking with people I decided that the structure of Nutri*system is what I need to get back on track. So now I'm waiting on my order to show up from QVC since they had the best price for the plan I wanted to use.

It's time I go from:
Back to:
"Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory." Ghandi

29

I still can't believe that I'm 29 years old today. I'm one step closer to that dreaded 3-0. I'm not where I wanted to be at this age, but I see that God had different plans for me. So today I'm enjoying a day with my boys. Rob cooked me breakfast, and got me my favorite cake. I can't wait to dig in. My mom is babysitting Squeaky tonight so that we can go out to dinner and a movie, and sleep in tomorrow morning. I was going to vent about this past week at work, but I don't want to ruin my birthday so I'll save it for later. Well, time to finally get dressed so that I can leave the house. And my little boy is talking and smiling at me so I've got to go :)

Exhausted

We're back home now, well we've been back since Friday evening. But we're still trying to get adjusted to being back home. Squeaky seems to sleep horribly when we're away from home. He usually sleeps through the night at home once he's put to bed. But when we're not at home he's hard to get to sleep and even harder to keep asleep. He woke up in the wee hours of the morning everyday that we were in TX. Each day he woke up earlier and earlier, and was harder and harder to get to sleep. Our last night before we had to drive home he woke up at 2 in the morning and it took me on and off until 7 to get him to stay asleep. And by that time I only got about an hour and half more sleep. I tried to let Rob sleep since he was driving, but I knew that I was going to be a caffeine junkie the rest of the day. But usually once S is back home he's fine and back to normal. But not this time. He's still waking up in the middle of the night keeping us up. Last night we were up from 2:30 to 4:30 with him. I'm so tired. Diet be damned, I'll be chugging cokes and coffee with lots of sugar all day.

We really enjoyed our trip and the time we got to spend with my niece. I was strong and didn't cry when I said goodbye that last evening before we left. I didn't want to go. I miss her so much. I want to be a part of her life on a regular basis, but that's hard since we're 5 hours apart. :(



We had another visit with Squeaky's BM on Friday since we didn't know we were supposed to bring him to the Family Team Conference. We had no idea that they usually do a parental visit after the conference. And since the letter that the case worker claimed she sent to us never got to us we were not fully informed. She just said that she needed my husband and I to be there. She never mentioned Squeaky. So on our way home from TX we stopped by the office so his BM and his grandmother could visit with him. I hate going to visits, and I hate supervising them. It's so ackward because S is looking at us and trying to get us to hold him, and we can't. I try to even avoid eye contact with him because he starts to get fussy when I don't come and pick him up.

I keep trying to put it out of my head that he will probably be going home. I worry about him going home. His grandmother talks about letting him play with her dogs. She's got 4 chows. I'm not an expert, but from what I've heard and experienced chows are not that friendly to people they don't know. His BM wanted to change his diaper even though he wasn't wet just because she brought him some diapers. She didn't have any wipes, and as I'm pulling the wipes case out of his diaper bag his grandmother says "Get some paper towels. You need to learn to use what you got. You don't need no wipes." WTF? I'm an adult and I don't wipe my ass and private parts with rough paper towels so why the fudge would you wipe a baby with them? Ughhhhhh! I gave her the wipes before she got paper towels thank God! Something about this family doesn't sit well with me. I just hope and pray that they don't send him into a dangerous living environment.

Well, it's about time for me to get dressed for work and to get more coffee. Yay!

She's Here!!!!

My niece, Avianna Victoria, was born this evening. She's a petite 6 pounds 11 ounces. Mom and baby are doing fine. I'm so in love!!! She ended up coming via c-section, but that's just fine because she's happy and healthy. I can't wait until I get to hold her and continue the spoiling only an aunt can do. I love my little Avi!

Blue

I'm feeling sad right now, and I really shouldn't be but I can't help it. We had our 1st family team conference today, and things don't look good for us getting to keep Squeaky. I'm heart broken. It's hard to even put into words how I feel right now. I can't wish bad things on his birth mom or be upset at her for getting her life together, but it doesn't make the possibility of losing S any less painful. They scheduled our next family team conference for July 24 so hopefully that means that we will have him for at least the next 6 months. I hope we will get to throw him his 1st birthday party, and I'm still praying that it won't be the last birthday we share with him. This hurts so much.

At the same time that we're dealing with this we're getting packed to go to Dallas for the birth of my niece. I can't wait to meet her and hold her. So now I have to put my pain aside and try to enjoy my niece's first couple of days here on earth. We'll hit the road in the morning so I'll post more later because I need some sleep.

2009

Happy New Year everyone. We had a pretty low key new year's eve this year. Some of Rob's friends came over for a while, and I was glad to see them go. They are boring and lack personality...but i digress. I planned a couple of fun foods for us to have to make the night special. I made a Colby/Monterey jack fondue that we enjoyed with big chunks of Hawaiian bread and sauteed chicken. Yum! I bought Rob some Samuel Adams Black Lager (And it was good. Tastes like chocolate beer :) and I had some wine. We spent most of the evening laughing and talking to Squeak because he was in one of his "talkative" moods. I still wonder what he's trying to say to us sometimes. LOL! He went to bed about 10 because it was hard to get him to sleep with all the fireworks going on outside. Another friend of ours, Scott, came by and rang the new year in with us. He brought us some Martha Washington balls that he and his mom made. All I can say is Yummy and thanks Scott! We had a nice relaxing evening and thoroughly enjoyed it.

New years day we all stayed in our pajamas all day. We spent the day watching a Looney Toons marathon with Squeak. It was fun to see the old, good cartoons before everything got so PC and sensitive. I love me some Pepe La Pu and the Roadrunner. I cooked dinner that night which consisted of New Year's Day staples like cabbage greens and black eyed peas with a pork rib roast. I hope the rest of this year is like yesterday, spending time relaxing with my 2 boys.

I stopped writing resolutions several years ago, and changed to goals for this year. Some of my goals are:

1. Lose weight for my health
2. Pay down debt
3. Stick to my monthly budget
4. Spend as much time as possible with my son and husband
5. Live life one day at a time
6. Get more active

I hope everyone has a happy and blessed 2009!

Hush Little Baby

The past several days it has taken us a lot longer to get Squeak to go to bed, and stay asleep. Tonight he's up for the 3rd time so far in the past 3 hours. I've gotten him to sleep twice tonight, and now I'm letting Rob have the fun of trying to get him to bed. I'm not sure what the problem is all of a sudden. But he will cry and cry and cry until you come get him. And as soon as you get him he's all smiles and happy so you know there's nothing wrong with him. It's so frustrating. Rob just put him in bed again, and he's back to talking loud which will probably lead to screaming in a few minutes. Fun times!

Our Christmas

It's been a busy few days, and I'm exhausted. But we had a nice Christmas with our baby boy. We went to church on Christmas eve, and after that I started cooking my desserts for the next day. Rob and I stayed up until midnight watching "A Christmas Story" marathon, and opened our presents that night. I knew that we wouldn't have the chance to just sit and exchange gifts when Squeak was awake. We both really liked our gifts from each other. I got a cool new laptop stand to lift it up off my legs and increase airflow. Also I got several funny t-shirts and a pull apart zombie. Yep, I got a zombie doll to play with and freak people out with at work! I had already gotten my major Christmas gift a few weeks ago when I got a new digital camera. I upgraded from 7 to 14 megapixels and up to a 5x optical zoom. I puffy heart my new camera.

When we got up Christmas morning, we cooked cinnamon rolls for breakfast before I pulled out the camera and camcorder to document my baby's first Christmas. Squeak had fun playing with all his new toys especially the jeep liberty walker we got him. He was so cute honking the little horn and making it play music while walking backwards. He had a bunch of presents under our tree from us, friends, and CASA, but nothing prepared us for the amount of gifts he got from my family in TX. He had a huge bag full of gifts from my brother and his girlfriend sitting at my parents house.

We were supposed to have lunch with Rob's parents at noon, but they were hella late. They didn't show up until almost 2 pm which effed up my whole day. I was planning on going by my parents house after lunch, but by the time we were done with the in-laws it was almost time for my mom to leave for church. So we had to wait until 7:30 to go see my family. We didn't make it to see any of Rob's grandparents, but we were going to see them this weekend. We had a nice visit with all of the parents, but it was late by the time we finished visiting with my mom. And Rob and I both had to work the day after Christmas. We haven't had much in the way of downtime at all this week. I'm so tired. I need a day of just sleeping to fully recover, but that won't happen any time soon. But I'll stop complaining because I'm thankful to have my little man here with me for Christmas. I hope to have many more Christmases with him.

I hope everyone had a good Christmas, and have a blessed New Year!

The Little Dress

There's a little pink and white dress that's been in the nursery closet since April 2006. It was bought right after we had our big ultrasound and confirmed that we would be having Madison. I bought it to bring her home in since she was due in September. A little white and pink flowered onesie covered in a pink cotton dress with a a bow and flowers embroidered on it. This dress is the one thing that I have never been able to let go of. All of the other stuff we bought in anticipation of our daughter has been washed in preparation of possibly being placed with a girl. This dress is still hanging in the back of the closet with it's tags attached. How can one inanimate object hold such power over a person? How can you get so attached to something you've never used? How can all of your dreams and wishes be encased in one thing so small? I've toyed around the with the idea of giving the dress to my soon to be born niece. Part of me thinks it won't hurt so much to pass it on to someone that I love so much. Rob has told me several times to ask Maddie what she wants me to do with her dress. But I already know what her answer would be. That's a baby dress so give it to a baby. She's a big girl now. And giving up that dress doesn't mean that I'm giving her up. She's not the dress. She's our angel, and she'll be with us no matter what.

Christmas Card

This is our yard sign that I got this weekend. One of my co-worker's daughter painted this for me based on what I wanted. Her daughter is 14, and hasn't had any formal training ever. She's an amazing artist. And I'll be able to say I knew her before she became famous. My card turned out better than I could have imagined. I love it!

It is Finished

I'm done with my Christmas shopping, and I couldn't be happier. I managed to avoid actual brick and mortar stores for the majority of my shopping. I did almost all of it online. I did have to go to Koh*l's today to get my dad's gift, but that was it. I made the mistake of going to walmart last night, and I was close to beating someone's ass within minutes. Too many stupid, rude people in one place. Now I need to get everything wrapped. I haven't wrapped any of the gifts except for the ones I mailed off today (hopefully they will get there before Christmas). I've been so lazy in that department. Right now I'm sitting on the couch waiting for my pasta water to boil while watching "A Christmas Story" for the hundreth or thousandth time.

Tomorrow we have church and then we've got our band Christmas party. We'll go visit Rob's grandfather in the hospital since he's been moved to a regular room now. And hopefully I will be home with plenty of time to wrap gifts and do laundry tomorrow.

Squeak starts at his new daycare on Monday, and I'm so happy. I've grown to hate his former daycare center. It seemed like everyday they were doing something stupid or didn't have enough people to watch the kids. They were great when we first started there, but then they just started a downward spiral. They were sending home the wrong bottles, putting Squeak in someone else's clothes, breaking all 4 of his pacifier holder clips, letting random strangers come in and pack him up to leave (it just happened to be Rob's mom, but they didn't know her from a stranger off the street), not telling us he was out of diapers for a week, or several other things. I'm very, very ready to leave that place. I've got a good feeling about the new center, and the people that will be caring for my son. Squeak usually gets along with most people so I hope he will make a good, easy transition to his new daycare.

Christmas Music

Sing Mary Sing by Jennifer Knapp is one of my all time favorite Christmas songs. Our band started doing it a few years back, and I've been in love with it ever since. It's not one of those traditional Christmas songs that everyone knows so I thought I would share it with everyone. I can't believe I forgot to change my blog music to Christmas music until today. I've been listening to Christmas music since before Thanksgiving. I have to start early in order to get in enough of it. I love it, love it, love it! I get so excited when the season of advent starts because that means we will be doing Christmas music each Sunday in church. I'm a Christmas music junkie!

Sleeping

Sleeping babies allow mommy to blog and shop online. Squeak is taking a nice long nap right now next to me on the couch. Rob is at the hospital visiting his grandpa who had another heart attack yesterday. He's doing good and should go home soon as long as the nurses can keep him in bed. He wants to go home now because he feels fine so he's been giving them hell. I survived all my overtime even though working all day Saturday just destroys your weekend. I'm glad that we didn't have to run the overheads and the sound today for church so we just chilled out all day. When Rob gets back, I will pick up our Christmas cards from Wal*greens so I can start getting them in the mail tomorrow. Also I need to do some mommy care like washing my hair, shaving legs, and fun stuff like that. My other goal for tonight is to cook dinner. We've been eating out way too much lately.

I have to call Squeak's social worker tomorrow to let her know about his latest injury to himself. He scratched the crap out of his eyelid last night when we put him to bed. He's scratched himself a couple of times before, and it usually happens when he's fighting sleep. But last night I put him in the crib and turned around to get a heavier set of pjs for him. He was already screaming, but he let out a shriek. I turned around to see blood running down his eye. I freaked out. I couldn't tell what he had done to himself. I got a cold damp towel and cleaned his face, but I'm still upset. He's smiling at me the whole time the blood is forming on his eyelid. Rob checked out the scratch, and says it shouldn't be too bad as long as we keep clean and covered in antibiotic ointment. But OMG to see blood running down his face was horrible. Well, the little one is awake now. Gotta go.

Pissed Off

I'm sitting here on the couch still pissed off from work. We found out about 4:30 this afternoon that we will be having mandatory overtime for the next 4 days. I will have to work 16+ hours of overtime and not get paid a damn thang. Because I'm a "salary" not an hourly employee. Yeah right I wish I was salary because then I wouldn't be docked an hour of pay if I worked 39 hours one week instead of 40! I have driven all over my shitty little town looking for a car seat base so that my mother-in-law can pick Squeak up tomorrow and Friday since Rob and I will not get off before the daycare closes. Battling 4 stores in the freezing weather with a baby didn't do anything to help my mood. So we finally made it home, and Rob had to take our spare car seat to his parent's house to install in his mom's car. It's been almost 2 hours and he's still not back. I know his dad is holding him up. That man can talk the paint off a wall. And I'm stuck here with an unhappy baby that refuses to stay asleep. Yippee! Now I'm looking forward to working my ass off even more.

Green Beans

I'm sitting here taking a breather after feeding and bathing Squeak tonight. We've been eating baby food for the few weeks or so, and every 4 days we move on to a new food. He's had pears, apples, bananas, and sweet potatoes so far. But tonight we tried green beans. I now have green beans all over my floor and clothes. The only reason Squeak isn't covered in green beans is because he just had a bath. OMG! He ate 2 bites and decided to start spraying the food everywhere. I'm not giving up though he's got at least another 3 days of the green stuff left then we will move on to squash or something else in the cabinet. I know it takes a while for some babies to get used to new foods so hopefully we will have more luck tomorrow night. I also have to rest after bathing him. He hates baths. I've tried everything I can think of and almost everything people have suggested to make bath time better for both of us, but nothing works. Warmer water, warmer rooms, several different towels and bath wipes. He even hates to get a simple wipe down with a warm towel. He screams and screams the whole time. Every once in a while I luck out and he just lays there with a pissed off look on his face and whines. I'm hoping that once he can sit up in the tub he will like baths better because it's a bad experience for the both of us everytime.

We also had our monthly visit with his social worker today. She actually showed up kind of on time. She was only 15 minutes late this time instead of 45 like the last visit. We talked about the latest issues with the BM, and talked about why she thinks the mom sent us a note and the hand sanitizer. We will have our first family team meeting next month. I'm not really looking forward to it, but I am looking forward to finding out how the mom is doing on her case plan. I'll also get to meet everyone that's involved with the case which could possibly be helpful.

It's Here!

Christmas time is really, really here. I've been listening to my favorite Christmas cds for weeks now, but we actually accomplished things today. We had an appointment this morning for Christmas portraits, and we had a great session. We got a lot of wonderful pictures. I had a hard time weeding them out since we can't afford to buy every picture and extra enhancement that they try to sell you. Even though I would love to. But I'm happy we ended up with 8 pictures which was right in line with the amount a budgeted. They should be in by the 16th, but the photographer said to expect them earlier due to the holiday. We got back from the pictures and pulled all of the Christmas decor out of the attic. Rob and I put up the tree and all of the indoor decorations. Tomorrow we plan to decorate the outside of the house. I've ordered one of those big yard signs, and I can't wait to get it. One of my co-workers daughter is a wonderful artist, and she's making them to raise money to send gifts to the orphange that she lived in until she was adopted last year. I'll be sure to post a picture of it when I get it.

Squeak has been growing and growing so much. He's getting much better with his tummy time and spends most of it moving around and trying to turn himself over. He's been enjoying the exersaucer too. It's been so wonderful and amazing watching him grow over the past 3 months. I love that little boy so much.

Annoyances

I wish I could open up a 12 pack right now!

I should have known that it would start at some time. I've read and talked to enough foster parents to know that everyone has problems with a birth parent at some point, but I was hoping it wouldn't be that way for us. But no such luck. I found a note in Squeak's baby bag tucked into a diaper. This wasn't even one of his diapers and it was wrapped up in his extra clothes that I send to daycare just in case he needs to change. The note stated that BM had some concerns after her 10/25 visit. Then she proceeds to list things that we need to do like send more bottles and diapers with him, dress him warmer, send a coat, and put a full skull cap on him. Then it says that she knows that it's hard, but we need to do better next time. What the fuck?! Did that teenage bitch just try to tell me what I need to do? Yep, she thinks that I need instructions from her. I was beyond pissed when I found that Tuesday morning. I'm not even sure when it was put in his bag because 10/25 was a Saturday, and we don't do visits on Saturdays. Plus I always send him with a coat or long sleeves and a blanket if it's not extremely cold. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I've never been a person to take being talked down to lightly.

I called the social worker to let her know about this note, and she said that she will talk to her about why this is not acceptable. She was not aware that the BM had slipped a note in the bag. The SW actually sounded upset by the letter which shocked me. She said for us to not worry about it and give her the original. I'll make a copy of it for our records and give her the original to put in the file. I also learned that this isn't the 1st time the BM has complained about us. She complains about his shoes because he's not wearing Nike or K-swiss. I put him in Bobux or Robeez just to keep his socks on and to keep his feet warmer. But they aren't good enough for her hoodrat ass. She bitches because she's only seen us once at a visit even though the worker keeps telling her that we both work fulltime and don't have time to come to the weekly visits. I don't see why the hell she needs to see us, she's not visiting us. My friend thinks that the reason she wants us to come to the visits is to start something with us to make us look bad.

Today Squeak had his weekly visit and came back with more stuff from his mom or at least I assume it's from her. There wasn't a note saying who it was from since he's gotten stuff from his former babysitter and foster parents. There was a pack of footed pjs, some socks, a baby activity mat, and some damn hand sanitizer. The first thing that comes to mind is why the hell would you give a baby a big bottle of hand sanitizer. It's freaking poisonous! The 2nd thing that comes mind is I think she may be incenuating that she thinks we're not clean. Oh yes, I gave the baby ear infections. I gave him the thrush that he came to our house with. Yep, it's all me, nasty, dirty me. Stupid bitch! I'm not even going to spend the time on the phone with the social worker tomorrow about the sanitizer. I'll just wait until she comes Monday to do her monthly visit.

We had a really nice Thanksgiving this year. It was different having Squeak in the house while trying to do all the cooking I needed to do for lunch with Rob's parents and dinner with my family. But Rob was able to keep him occupied for the most part except when I needed him to run out to the store to get more eggs. I managed to get all of my casseroles and desserts done on time, and I didn't have to stay up all night to do it. My brother, his girlfriend, and her son made the trip from TX to be spend the holiday here. This was our 1st Thanksgiving together. It was nice getting to see them all again. I got a chance to see the 4D ultrasound of my niece, and she looks and acts so much like my brother it's funny. Every ultrasound they've had she has had her arm draped across her head, and that's how my bro sleeps. She's got his nose and lips too.

I stayed up late on Thanksgiving night to catch some of the Black Friday deals that started at 1 AM, and then I spent several hours shopping online that Friday too. I've scratched 5 people off my list so far without stepping foot into a single store or standing in one line. I love the internet! The rest of the weekend was us being lazy and staying in our pjs most of the day. It was nice just to relax.

Sunday we were supposed to take pictures for our Christmas cards, but that didn't happen. We were supposed to do this 2 weeks ago, but about 1 hour before our appointment Squeak's butt exploded everywhere. I didn't think that was a good time for pictures. So I rescheduled that appointment last week with JcPenny's for portraits. But they called early that morning to tell me that their camera was broken and that they would call and reschedule. (Yeah and to this day I haven't heard back from them.) I was determined to get these pictures done so I scheduled with Sears at 4 that afternoon. We got there a little before 4 to find that place packed. They only have 2 rooms and 2 photographers. And after waiting for almost an hour I find out that they have schedule multiple people for 4 o'clock. Squeak was falling asleep at this point despite having had a nap an hour earlier. So we left. I was pissed! I am sick and feaking tired of people scheduling "appointments" that mean nothing at all. I have since scheduled an appointment for this Saturday at 10 when Olan Mills opens. Hopefully we will be the 1st customers for the day, and can finally get our pictures done without a hassle.

Squeak is doing much better now after finally being diagnosed with something besides a cold. He has ear infections in both ears on top of his congestion. So we're a little bit over halfway done with his 10 days of antibiotics. Also he's gotten a much stronger decongestant that will hopefully clean him up. After we get him dried up we will have him tested for allergies. I hope he's not allergic to the dogs. As much as I dislike Rob's dog, I certainly don't want to lose mine.