More Tears

I found out Thursday from the daycare (remember I said the daycare and not the caseworker) that Squeaky's BM will go from weekly visits to twice a week visits next week. I called the CW to see why the case plan changed and we were alerted to this by his daycare. Why the hell should I be finding out info from the daycare? The CW claimed that she was going to call me and let me know as soon as they ironed out the days that she would be visiting. Supposedly their department has gotten a complete overhaul via a new case plan manager/creater or whatever this person is, and this new person felt that S could not fully bond with his BM only seeing her once a week. I understand that in my head, but it doesn't make my heart accept it any easier. I love this child, he's my son. The thought of losing him makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of going back to only being the mother of an angel scares me. The thought of coming home without him brings tears instantly to my eyes. I'm sitting here blogging after giving him 4 different medicines and his morning bottle while he plays on the floor. Now he's giving me a huge grin while he eats a singing turtle. I'm finally a mother to someone that needs me to care for them, and that could all end at any time. I knew the risk going into this, but there's no way to prepare yourself for this. I don't want to go back to the childless life I had before. He's my love, my little boy. I let myself get comfortable in the lie that his CW told us when they placed him with us. We thought it was a high probabilty that he would be adoptable, but it seems like every other day that option is vanishing. I've read the stories of people being told the same thing only to have the child sent back to the parents a year or more later, but I prayed that we would be different. I prayed that I had carried enough of a cross that we would get to be the blessed ones this time. I'm trying to keep my hopes up and just put things in God's hands. I'm trying...