Today was our first time since we got L to take her around a bunch of people since we visited the daycare for a few minutes on Friday. I got up at 7 to go by the church to put my overheads on the computer for the 9 and 11 services. I got back home a little after 8 to a screaming banchie of a child while the rest of the house was sleeping through it. So I got Fuzzy up, changed, and bottled. L woke up while I was doing that so I fixed us both some breakfast too. After everyone was fed and playing, Rob woke up. We got everyone ready for church. Fuzzy and L both went to the nursery, but only Fuzzy stayed. L was holding on to us and started to cry as soon as we got about 3 feet away from her. It was just easier on everyone to take her with us to church since I didn't want to burden the girls in the nursery with a crying, scared child that was actually too old to be in there. L should be in an actual class, but I know she's not ready for that. Church went pretty well. We only had to have the "don't touch that button, don't touch anything on the computer, don't touch anything other than the chair you're sitting in and the paper/pencil I gave you to play with" talk about 6 times throughout the service. L didn't really care for all the people talking to her, but hopefully that will improve with time. I'd love for her to be able to run and play with all the other kids her age.
Since L didn't survive the nursery we decided to play it safe and have Rob's mom come over to our house to babysit her and Fuzzy while Rob and I went back to church for drama practice. No fear...I'm not acting in the play. I'm doing my usual overhead function and Rob is running the spotlight. L did good with Rob's mom so at least she's warming up to people other than us. Fuzzy was already in bed by the time we got home. I fixed L some dinner since Rob's mom didn't feed her. I can't blame her because she didn't know that L will either not answer questions or she will say no to most of them. So when she asked L was she hungry she said no.
L has really gotten attached to Rob, and he's really good with her. She's always wanting to be with him and for him to hold her. So I've been taking more care of Fuzzy and taking a back-up roll with L making sure she's fed, clean, and stuff like that. I know it's wrong, but I find myself being jealous of their relationship sometimes. I'm jealous because my heart is screaming that this should be my husband playing with our daughter. But no our daughter is dead. She never got to play with her daddy. I would have died for her, but yet there are people that can have a kid as easy as 1+1 and throw them away. It's hard sometimes. People keep saying that we're so good for doing this, but then at the same time I'm wondering how much more of this can I take. I want to help the kids, but at the same time my helping is hurting my heart.