Tuesday, March 24, 2009


I got an email today with pictures of a co-worker's newborn son. I look at the images on my screen, and I'm happy for her for a moment. And then my heartbreak returns like always. In the time I've spent trying for a baby, she's had 2. So many others I know have had baby after baby in that time. I feel defeated. Almost 3 years later I'm still as hurt as I was the first few days after Madison died. For some reason people tell me to enjoy my time without a baby. Being a foster parent isn't the same because with our own baby we have to be completely responsible for all of their expenses, and you can't give them back. Don't rush to have a baby. Would people tell me the same thing if Madison had lived for a few months or a few years before she died? Would people tell the mother of a child that died in a car accident to enjoy their life without that child? Look on the bright side, you can travel, eat out, not have to worry about day care or babysitters. Like it's a good thing that their child died. People think that just because she didn't live to make it home with us that we could possibly be that attached to her. Other mothers forget how quickly that bond formed with their child when they felt that first kick or saw their baby on an ultrasound. If they had to walk in my shoes would they still want people to tell them to be happy that they don't have a baby. Or would their faces hurt from all the fake smiles they had to display day after day to stop the tears from breaking free. I used to say I've been tried by fire, but that's not exactly true. I'm not done being tried by fire, and I'm not sure when I will be.

4 comments:

Carrie said...

I've been following your story for a while now, first on the ww board and now here. And I never cease to be amazed by your strength in the hard time. I know you miss your daughter terribly. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

niobe said...

I'm horrified by the cruel and unfeeling comments people make to you. You and your sweet Madison will always have a special place in my heart.

mesa said...

sending you a huge hug thru the computer :) I know it still hurts. It won't ever stop hurting. I'm sorry people hurt you in what they say. You are Maddie's mom and always will be ♥ She'll never be forgotten.

armyadamsgirl said...

Like you didn't love your child? Like you hadn't tried for her and wanted to give up things like free time and going out or taking alone vacations... As anyone that loves their children knows you would never leave them to have such things.... I know you must be a strong woman not to have snapped by now...