My 2nd Reading

I got my 2nd reading last weekend. This one is really in depth and I'm hoping and praying it comes true.

Hi Ashely

Thank you for being patient with me while I got back to your reading.

They are showing me JULY and GIRL so this is either birth month, concieve month or the month you find out in. They also show her with a brother just over 2 years younger than her

When it comes to your daughter, would tell you that i see her as very beautiful. Someone who is confident in herself, is always easy going and always looking for the good in any situation or person. It hink that you will find that shes often inspired by many things in life and is always showing othe rpeople how to change things for the better. Shes someone who thinks before she speaks, would never hurt anyones feelings intentionally, but is also strong minded as well that shes certainly not going to be taken advantage of/

I would say that your duaghter is going to be tall for her age, always in the top 5 of her class in height. Shes got very long legs, her hair usually just past her shoulders and always left down. Shes fairly good about taking good care of her apperance, she likes to look presentable and feels more confident when she has taken care of herself. I think that you will find that there are people who are jealous of her, but your duaghte rnever understands why. She never takes her looks for granted and often does not rub it in anyones face that she knows that she is pretty.

She loves animails, has a very soft spot for dogs and cats and always asking to take all these strays that she insists follow her home each time lol.

I think that you will find that shes got a good eye for design, someone who lovse to organize things and has good confidence in herself and her abilities. always offering to help out around the house, lvoes to clean up, and just loves things look ing fresh. I think that you will find that shes someone who I would consider to be business oriented, and around the age of 18 comes up wtih her own business plan to do birthday parties and events. I believe that this starts as more of a "fairty tale" birthday party idea, and runs her own company. I do bleieve that her father has a hand in helping to get this off the ground. I think that you will find that eventually she takes on wedding parties, and other bigger events, and hires 2 other girls ot help her with this.

When it comes to marriage I see her closer to 26, they will have one girl and one boy of their own.

Let me know if you have any questions

Thanks

Cheri

Busy, busy bee that would be me

I've been going and going and going for the last several days. I was already worn out from the time change so I'm just running on gas fumes right now. Monday I had a visit with my doctor. My blood tests from last week showed that I did ovulate last cycle. Which is good, but it just leaves more questions as to why I'm not getting knocked up. I'll be going in next week to a HSG, hysterosalpingogram, say that 3 times fast. A hysterosalpingogram is an X-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes which allows visualization of the inside of the uterus and tubes. The picture will reveal any abnormalities of the uterus as well as tubal problems such as blockage and dilation. Rob is going to be tested too, just in case. But my doctor doubts that it's a problem on his end since he's gotten me pregnant twice before. I've also started clomid/estradiol/prochieve this cycle. I'm praying this will do the job so we don't have to go on to more invasive procedures. Because Fertility Treatments = Lots of Cash $$$

The clomid is really helping my attitude problem. I've been a mega bitch for the last couple of days. I warned Rob before I started taking the meds, but I'm just trying to stay in a different room to keep the arguments to a minimum.

Back to the drawing board

The witch reared her ugly head early this morning. I was hoping this would be the cycle since today's our 4th anniversary of dating. I found out about my last 2 pregnancies on or around special days. We found out we were blessed with Maddie on Christmas morning. And our other little angel gave us a positive test a couple of days before our dating anniversary. So I was really hoping this was going to be our month.

On a happier note, I should be getting my 2nd baby psychic reading today hopefully. I found out about 2 ladies that do readings online that focus on trying to conceive and babies through some online friends. They've all gotten readings from these ladies, and so far one of the psychics has a 100% accuracy on her predictions, and the other is at about 70% accurate.

My first reading was from Brooke. This was her prediction from the tarot cards:

Hi Ashley.....so sorry for your loss, first of all.

The cards are showing you conceiving your second child between April and June. Now, a boy AND a girl come up around you. They show you with these two children next year. So I strongly feel this will be a full-term healthy baby!

Let me know when you get your BFP!

-Brooke

I'm waiting to hear back from Cherie on her prediction. She says I will hear from her by today so I'm hoping to know something soon. So we will see if both predictions correlate with each other.

Snow Day!

It's snowing here in Louisiana today. It rarely ever snows here and when it does it will usually melt before it hits the ground. Earlier this week it was in the 80's and yesterday it was sunny and pleasant outside. Today it's in the low 30's, and about 11:00 it started snowing. We were out to lunch for my boss's birthday, and most of us had to go outside to see it. Someone even stood out there eating the snow that was falling. The best thing about this is when we got back to work at 1:30 we were told that the office was closing at 2. WoooHooo! An adult snow day!!!

I DON'T CARE!!!!

It's been a couple of days since I've gone on one of my rants so get ready. I'm so fucking tired of people coming up to me asking me if I've talked to J today. "How did her baby's first haircut go yesterday?" Why the hell do I care? Why the fuck do you feel the need to ask me? I don't give a flying fuck how it went. Walk down there to her desk and ask her yourself. I'm sure she has plenty of pictures to show you. Don't ask me! Don't you see the big March of Dimes sign on my desk that has In Loving Memory of Madison Sherina Renee Douglas written on it? Do you see any recent pictures of her or another child on my desk? Do I look like I have a baby at home with me which would automatically make me give a shit about someone else's kid's first haircut? Nope. I don't give a fuckity fuck fuck. So take your blind idiotic ass down the hall and ask someone who cares!

Hummm....that felt good. Wish I could say it out loud.

Infertility?

I was reading an article while I was waiting in the doctor's office today about secondary infertility. I always assumed that I fell into that category since I have gotten pregnant and I gave birth to a child. But now we're having problems getting pregnant and staying pregnant this time around. But per this article's definitions of secondary vs. primary infertility I don't really fall into either category. It said that primary infertility is the inability to get pregnant and carry to term. Secondary is when you've had a child, but you can't get pregnant again and carry to term. The part about "to term" is a tricky one. I didn't carry to term, but I did get pregnant and give birth to a child so am I suffering from primary or secondary infertility. It's not like someone with a brain or that values their life would call Madison a miscarriage. And even though she was so early she fought to stay with us for 10 hours outside of my body. So she was very much born and very much her own person, and my child. So I wonder what category I fit in? Maybe I should make up my own category called something like screwedup fertility. I think that fits me just right.

Blogging Good for Your Health

I ran across an interesting article online that talked about how bloggers seem to feel more connected to a community and less isolated. It also states that bloggers are more satisfied with their friendships both online and face-to-face. After 2 months of the study, test subjects felt that they had better social support and friendship networks than those who didn't blog. I think that future studies should have a much larger test group. But it's interesting none the less.

Blogging for Your Health

Standardized Testing

I'm started my first set of tests on the road to getting knocked up again. I went in today for lab work to check my progesterone levels. After some researching online I learned that a level over 10 ng/ml indicates that ovulation did occur. I'm just going to go with that number since every site I've looked at has a different number. I thought this was going to be a nice short trip to the clinic, but NO! I got there and signed in at 8:50 AM and it was almost 10 AM by the time they called me in the back. I picked this office out of 3 locations that I could go to since it's right down the street from my office, and usually it's pretty empty compared to the other locations. Even though there were only 2 patients in the waiting room when I got there, I still had to wait forever just to have my blood drawn. It's not like I had to see a doctor or nurse. Nope just went straight into the lab when they finally called my name. Damn large clinics suck sometimes.

Hope springs eternal

I've been very busy this week. I've been working my ass of at work with filings and lots of meetings. By the time I get home I don't do much of anything. We did get 2 new pets this past weekend. 2 baby turtles: 1 painted and 2 razor back. They are both about the size of a quarter, and too cute. They are total opposites. Mine, the painted one, loves to swim and float near the top of the water. He's constantly moving. Rob's the razor back is a bottom dweller that likes to be hidden by rocks or tucked in his shell. Mine is named Ichigo after one of my favorite anime characters that has orange hair. My turtle has an orange stripe down his back. Rob's is named Kamadachi which means turtle sword in Japanese. I've got pictures of them, but I haven't had a chance to upload them yet. I will soon because they are too cute!!!

Today I had a doctor's appointment with a new OB/GYN. My appointment was for 10:30, but I didn't see him until about 12:10. That pissed me off, but as soon as I started to talk to him it was worth the wait. He never mentioned my weight at all. We went over my history and what we've done on our trying to conceive journey. He wants me to come in for some lab work on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday or next week to make sure I am in deed ovulating. Then we will schedule an HCG, which is a procedure to make sure my tubes are not blocked. Then we will take it from there. It was so refreshing to talk about actual plans. He listened to me, and made suggestions of what we should do. He never made me feel like I was to blame for anything. We discussed what we will do when I do get pregnant like meds, close monitoring, and possibly bedrest early on. I have hope now. I've finally found a good doctor. I was beaming from ear to ear when I left. We've finally got a plan!

Answers?

After making my previous post and catching up on some of the blogs I read, I came back and happened to read the daily bible verse on my own blog.

Ask and it shall be given you, seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you.
(Luke 11:9)

Isn't that just an obvious answer to all my moaning, groaning, tears, and frustration? I've asked now I just have to wait. I guess I need to start praying for patience too.

Wall Flower

We had a business trip this past Thursday to Shreveport. It's only about 1 1/2 hours away, but I knew I should be prepared with my mp3 player full of music and videos. I knew that with a van full of mothers the conversation would soon turn to babies. I would be able to smile and listen happily to some of it, but I knew at some point I would have to retreat to my corner of the world. It's like being at a ball that starts with the guys inside and the girls outside sitting on a bench. One by one the girls are chosen to be mothers. And one by one they leave to go inside to the ball. You hear all the laughter and you can see the smiling faces. But then you remember that you're still outside of the party. I used to love being online chatting with friends, but one by one they all went inside to the ball. I still try to keep up with their lives, but it hurts too much sometimes. Especially when you're still outside, and others are having their 2nd and 3rd trips to the ball. I got to go inside to the ball once, but only for a moment. I blinked and I was back outside alone sitting on the bench. When will I get to dance again?

Decisions

I've been praying for months for God's guidance on the whole adoption thing. I know in my heart that we could adopt a child that we would love as our own. But the expense of the whole process scares the crap out of me. We're by no means wealthy, but we make too much for most grants. We don't have enough in savings to pay for the whole thing unless we go through the state. And that's not really what we want to do. Every baby/toddler I've looked at that's available for adoption through the state has severe disabilities. And with both of us working full time we can't care for a child like that. We were faced with having a child that could be severely handicapped with Madison, but that was different. That was what God gave us, we didn't go looking for it. I wouldn't have thought twice about quiting my job to stay home with Maddie if she needed that.

But now I'm thinking that maybe I've gotten the sign I was praying for with the children's home losing our paper work. Maybe this isn't the path God wants for us. We never gave up trying to conceive another child, and I doubt we would until we were actually matched with a child. I just don't get what's taking so long. We were blessed to get pregnant fairly quickly with Maddie just by keeping track of my cycles and looking up my projected fertile times online. It took us 6 months and 9 cycles to get pregnant with the baby I miscarried. That time I charted, took ovulation tests, had a fertility monitor, and used some supplements.

Now we quickly approaching a year since my last pregnancy and we've gotten nothing, absolutely nothing at all. I've tried everything I can think of from charting, to supplements, to sex plans, to teas and creams. I'm always online looking for something new that might be the key. You name it, I've probably tried it. Right now I'm feeling very crunchy earth mother like drinking a couple of cups of red clover infusion tea everyday to hopefully increase my fertility. I think the whole theory that you're super fertile after a miscarriage is bunk! I'm about 2 months from my annual visit with the gyno so I guess I'll start bitching and moaning to get some testing done then. It's so hard to get an appointment with the doctors group I plan to go to. If you're not pregnant or dying your appointment will be about 3-4 months from when you call to make it.

Rob's granddad had another heart attack this weekend. He's doing good right now, but it still scared me. I know how much it would mean to him for us to have another healthy baby. And I want our baby to get to know their great-grand parents too. So every month that we come up empty I feel like I'm not just letting myself down, but I'm letting down a lot of people.

So full of emotions

I'm hurting. I'm sad. I'm weepy. I'm just plain tired of working so hard for something that is so easy for so many people. All I want is to be a mother again. Is that too much to ask for? In the past week I have heard about so many people getting pregnant AGAIN. Some of these people are deserving, but so many others are not. I don't give a damn if its wrong to say who deserves to have a child and who doesn't. Because all of you PC stick up your ass people know you agree with me. You may not have the nerve to ever say it, but you do. You know there are lots of people that should be spayed or neutered just like a pet because if they aren't they will keep increasing the population and expecting everyone else to pay for it. Today is one of those days when I have to choose between curling up in a ball and dying or trying to continue carrying the cross I have to bear.

I've been sitting here at my desk working and trying to block out the world by listening to my music. When a song comes on that makes me just stop and listen. It's like my little angel knew her mama needed a kick in the ass today, and she was the only person who could do it. These are the words I just heard:

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes...

This miracle God gave to me
gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes...

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daugter's eyes

Happy Valentines Day!

I'm having a wonderful day in the world of corporate rules and regulations, and counting the hours until I can get the hell out of here. Rob gave me my valentines early since I was having a crappy night last night. I got the sweetest card from Madison and one from Rob too with a big huge heart of Russel Stovers chocolates. I can't wait to plow through those. I love my little angel and my skwerl master. We're planning a simple evening at home after band practice since restaurants bite on valentine's day. So Rob is going to try out a new recipe I found for sweet and hot tofu over rice. Then we will play some games on the wii. That's about it for us.

My friend, Mesa, sent me this video and I have to share it with everyone in honor of all the "real couples" out there. You'll know what I mean when I say "real couples" after you watch the video :)

Happy Birthday, Robert

Today is Rob's 28th birthday. We both took the day off to just do whatever he wanted to do. We slept late then got up and had a late breakfast at IHOP. We bought Maddie some flowers and spent some time out visiting her. I'm going to cook his favorites for dinner tonight, lasagna and pineapple upside down cake. Right now he's enjoying his big birthday gift that his sis and I got him. She sent some money for me to find a gift for him. I put that with my funds and got him a rocking bare bones computer system. It's got a great processor and lots of RAM with lots of upgrading capabilities. He can't wait for it to get here Friday so he's doing all kinds of research for add-on components. I was just happy to give him something he's been wanting for a while. It's wonderful to make him smile. He's my best friend and I'm so blessed to have him. Happy birthday, sweetheart. We love you!

WTF?

Not to sound judgmental, but I probably will anyway, but why the hell does every freak and idiot in the world have a baby? WHY? WHY? WHY? I was in a store at lunch and ran into a couple that looked like they had jumped out a time warp from the 60's. I mean they were the epitome of dirty hippies. The guy looked like he was allergic to soap and water. And they are carrying a baby carrier. What the fuck is wrong with us that we've been trying for almost another year since our miscarriage and haven't gotten jack shit for it? I'm just waiting to go back to the doctor for my annual exam and have some tests run only to find out that I'm going through menopause or somehow, someway I'm really a man. That would be my fucking luck.

Doctors

I've been thinking on and off for a long time about what doctor I would use if I got pregnant again. My 1st OB, Dr. P, was a pretty good doctor until all hell broke loose and Madison died. Then she just seemed like she didn't know what to do with me. I don't know if she's never had a baby die before or not, but she didn't give me the attention I really needed. She was distant. She came to see me everyday that week after Maddie was born. But it was just a couple of questions like "How are you feeling?" Then she would say "Ok. I'll see you tomorrow on my rounds." I was so outside of myself then I didn't know what to say to her. I didn't know how to express my questions. I didn't even really know what questions I should have had. But I don't think it was my responsibility to make her feel better or to know what to say to get the help I needed. Even when I saw her at my 6 week appointment I didn't know what to say. It was a brief exam and a brief talk about what we can do next time and how we didn't know things were going to go to hell in a hand basket like they did. And I left that day feeling no better.

My next visit to see Dr. P was for Baby Douglas #2. This was a nice visit. She was talking about being very proactive and getting me in to the maternal medicine specialists in a couple of weeks, and starting aspirins to help with blood flow to the baby. We did an ultrasound that day even though I was only 5 weeks. She found a little dot that she thought was the baby. But soon after that visit, I started to bleed. I knew in my heart I was miscarrying. I'm not a bleeder. I called Dr. P and she got me in a couple of hours later for an ultrasound, and she didn't find a baby. She sent me to the ultrasound specialist for a more in depth one that confirmed that I had miscarried. The tech called Dr. P and she just said she was sorry and that things hopefully will take care of themselves in the next day or so. She would be out of town for a couple of days, but I will have to have some blood work done to make sure my levels dropped to 0. That was the last I heard from her. Our 2nd baby fell out of me while I was on the toilet a couple of days later. But no one cared except for Rob and I. No tests, no nothing from my doctor. I had 3 more blood tests over the next couple of weeks before my levels finally dropped to 0, but I never heard from her.

My BFF suggested that I visit Dr. B. She started going to him after her pregnancy that had been handled by Dr. P. She told me that Dr. P hadn't help save her baby. She didn't know what was going on with her. She didn't see that she was dying and that her baby needed steroids to develop her lungs because she would have to be born early. The doctor that saved her was another doctor in their practice, Dr. L. He was the one that saw the signs when Dr. P went to him for help on her case. He was the one that saved my goddaughter's life. But it's been almost 6 years now and BFF moved to Dr. B. He was the one that actually ran the tests to see if BFF has a disorder or if this was a one time thing.

I visited Dr. B in July. I like that he's not part of a group of doctors so most likely you will always see him from beginning to end. Since it's just him in his office you don't walk into a waiting room full of gigantic bellies and new babies every time you go to the doctor. It's just a little heartbreaking to have to see that every time you go to the doctor. I liked that he spent almost a hour talking with Rob and I about my past history and our plans to try again. He ordered my medical history to read over. He sent me to a kidney specialist to have tests run to check for underlying issues with my blood pressure. And then he suggest that I lose weight. He told us to stop trying until I lost about 100 pounds. He suggested that I look into weight loss surgery. That suggestion made me not like him that much anymore. I know I need to lose weight, but I refuse to put my whole life on hold to lose weight. There's no guarantee that if I lost 100 or 150 pounds that I would get pregnant and come home with a healthy baby. I've met more woman than I can count that were in excellent physical shape that pregnancies were struck down by Pre-Eclampsia.

So a couple of weeks ago I got to thinking where would I go if I got pregnant again? Would I give Dr. B another chance even though I haven't lost enough weight yet? Would I try Dr. L since he was the "smart" one in my BFF's pregnancy? Or would I go back to Dr. P, and just accept that she doesn't have a good bedside manner? I'm so much smarter now about what happened to me. I know the signs, and I know what questions to ask. I know what I need to get to have the best possible pregnancy. But I'm still not really sure who I will trust with my life next time.

Not ready

I'm not ready for the weekend to end. I'm not ready to go back to work tomorrow. I know I have a ton of work to do there and it sucks. I've been trying to get things together and cleaned up at the house this weekend and tried to get some rest. I haven't had much in the way of rest though. Friday night we cleaned a bit and had Chinese take out which was great. We finally watched Super Bad on dvd. And all I have to say is that was some funny stuff. I was laughing the whole time. We slept in until 11 on Saturday and ran by the post office to pick up a package. We cleaned most of the house and install a new set of sliding doors in between the living room and the dining room. Now the dogs are really confused because their "cut-through" is now closed off.

While we were cleaning Rob's mom called for help. She was out about 30 miles from home sneaking around looking at some land to buy and managed to get her xTerra stuck in the mud! She called us basically because she didn't want her husband to know she had been out there looking for somewhere for them to move. They have been "moving" for at least 20 years now. But a gravel and mud road out in the country away from civilization ain't it. She ended up having to call a tow truck to get her out since she was stuck sideways in the muck, mud, and mire. After that adventure we spent the rest of the evening on the couch watching tv.

Today we went to church and then to lunch with our friend, Phillip. We went to a fairly new bar and grill called Portico. This was our first time since they are usually packed, and I hate going to packed restaurants and waiting forever to eat. The turkey and avocado club with sweet potato fries was delicious. I know I shouldn't have, but I had to have a big slice of cheesecake topped with strawberries for dessert. Yum! I had bible study this afternoon and then our church had a Fish and Fellowship this evening. Right now the fellowship part is going on while I sit in my computer booth and blog. I'm waiting until it's time for me to do something. I'm not that into in hymn singing so I just chill out until the band starts to play. But I do enjoy the Young at Heart choir because I think some old people are so adorable. Hopefully the rest of my evening will be nice and relaxing.

Car Decor

I'm excited and very pleased. I ordered a personalized window decal for my car from Remembering Our Babies. I've wanted one for a while, but I finally did it Friday. It showed up last night! I wasn't expecting it so fast. It looks great too. It says In Memory Of Madison Sherina Renee May 13, 2006 with baby footprints in the middle. Now my baby girl has made her mark on her mama's new ride. If you get a chance check out the store. It's great and has tons of things for people who want to remember their precious angel or angels in someway.

Adoption Frustrations

I'm not sure if I should be fuming mad or not. I finally got one of the social workers from the agency we want to use to call me back. She tells me that she remembered reading our interest letter, but they don't know what happened to it. They've also lost our application/survey. WTH!!! I mailed it all back to them at the beginning of December. I didn't call about it because my co-worker that used them for her adoption said that they wouldn't get anything done during the holidays. And also they were going through a lot since their main adoption person was retiring. So I gave them more time. I started calling a couple of weeks ago, but I would never get a call back. The receptionist always said that she would find our file and have some call us. Finally today I get a call back. Well, now I see why we never got a call back!!!!! Ughhhh!!!!!! The social worker I talked to seems very nice and apologized several times. She asked if we would re-send our letter to them. And she is mailing us another application today to fill out. I just don't know if I should keep trying with them. They seem so unorganized right now. Why can't anything ever be simple?

My new baby

I'm finally free of the horror which was my lemon of a car also known as the Grand Am from Hell. I've hated that thing since about 6 months after I got it. It had brake problems all the time. It was in the shop 18 times in about a year and half. It really pissed me off since I bought that car brand new with 10 miles on it. But since it was under warrenty I was stuck taking it to a GM shop, and there is only 1 that specializes in Pontiac vehicles in my area. I ended up filing a lawsuit through my state's lemon laws against GM because they could never get the brakes fixed in a way that would stay fixed. Usually they would fix the brakes and they would be back to sounding horrible in a couple of days. When I got that car my brother, who's a auto loan officer, told me not to. But I was hardheaded. I wanted that car because I had been in love with them since high school. I should have listened. So this time I called him first after I started looking at cars. I consulted him on everything, and I ended up with a great deal on a great car. I bought a 2008 Chevy Equinox last Thursday. I just love it. It's got plenty of room for little ones and we can haul things if we need to. I love the way it drives even though I'm still getting used to parking a larger vehicle. I haven't taken any pictures of mine yet, but this one looks just like it.

I got "tagged"

I guess this is the online equivalent to Duck, Duck, Goose. My friend, Mesa, tagged me on her blog so I guess I'm "It" now. I've really gotten to know Mesa much better over the past year. Our daughters play in the clouds together on a regular basis :)

The Rules: Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
Then: Share 5 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
or Share the 5 top places on your “want to see or want to see again” list.
or Share 5 things you never pictured being in your future when your were 25 years old.

I'm not even sure which one to pick. But I guess I'll go with 5 things you never pictured being in your future when your were 25 years old.

1. Being happily married to "Cuffs".
Robert and I went to school together since junior high. We knew each other and that's about it. I was Miss School Spirit and he was Most Likely to Blow Up the School. He used to be a very short, chunky nerd that wore jeans that were way too long for him. So he had these huge, I mean like 3-4 inch tall cuffs on his pants. It was hilarious. But thankfully he grew taller and started buying pants in the right length.

2. Working for a company that I like.
I had been working for Chase for 5 years and I felt like I was going to trapped there forever. I couldn't get another decent paying job in my town to save my life. But finally I got hired at CenturyTel and I've been here ever since.

3. Proud mama to an angel
I always thought it was easy to get pregnant and have a baby. The getting pregnant with Madison was easy, but she was only meant to stay with us for a little while. But I wouldn't trade those 6 months for anything in the world.

4. Still living in Monroe
I always planned to move away as soon as I graduated college. I wanted to leave the small country town for the bright lights of a cool city like Dallas or Atlanta. But things didn't work out that way. And I'm glad I stayed because I didn't meet Robert again until I was 24 which was 2 years after I had planned to move away.

5. Home body
Ever since I could drive I've loved being on the road. I've never liked just being at home. I was always partying at someone's house or just cruising all night long. But now I like just coming home and plopping down on my couch for some TV or to play my Wii.

I'm supposed to tag another blogger so I guess I'll pass the fun on to my favorite intellectual , deep thinker, Niobe.

Freaky Cool

Robert sent me a link to this video. You just have to watch it. It's really amazing.

28

Today is the day I've been looking forward to and dreading at the same time. It's actually been a good day. I was shocked to find a cake sitting on my desk when I got to work from my boss. And my friend gave me a pretty plaque with an angel on it with a verse about faith. Everyone was telling me Happy Birthday all day. I didn't do much in the way of work today which was a bonus even though tomorrow will suck! But hey it's my birthday. Robert surprised me at work with a bouquet of flowers and balloon when he got off work. He even bought me my favorite cake, a tuxedo cake. It's basically a layer of fudge cake topped with layers of deep chocolate cheesecake and creamy mascarpone mousse. Finished with swirls of white and dark chocolate ganache. I absolutely love it!!!! I'm at band practice right now, and afterwards we will go eat Chinese since it's free on your birthday. We're saving our nice dinner out for tomorrow when we go see Meet the Spartans. I can't wait to see that movie. I've been LMAO for weeks at the commercials so I hope it's good.

I finally called the Children's Home to see what our next step was in the adoption process since we hadn't heard anything in weeks since I mailed back the application. I got someone on the phone that sounded confused, but she took my name and number to have the social worker call me back to discuss what our next steps are. I'll give them until Monday to call me back before I call them again. I really want to work with them since they are local and I don't have many options for local agencies. I've heard such good things about them. I just hope this slip up is because they are going through a transition from the person that handled the adoptions for 30 years to a new person taking over. I do have a back up agency that's national that we will contact if the local one doesn't get it's act together. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we will be able to stick with the local group.

I'll be 28 years old in less than 2 days, and I'm just thinking about my life in general. I'm not really sure what I want to say or how exactly to say it. I'm another year older, but am I any wiser or am I just as bitter as I was last year? It's still just Rob and I in the house. I'm still working my same thankless job and I'm still in debt. I'm still fat. Yeah, not much has changed in those categories. But I do have some good things that happened in this last year. I have made new friends. I've used what I've learned during my grieving to help others. I walked a half marathon in 3 hours and 47 minutes. I've strengthened my relationship with God. I started this blog that people actually read sometimes. I've gotten closer to my big brother. And I have an even stronger marriage. All in all I guess 27 wasn't a bad year. But Lord, please make 28 my best year yet.

The Wedding

I'm back from the cold, cold state of Illinois. Well, I've been back for a week now, but I've been trying to get back in the swing of things and get my world back in order. We left Monroe early in the morning on Thursday, January 10, and thanks to my Magellan Maestro GPS we made great time. It took us 9 hours to get there instead of the 9 1/2 to 10 hours that was expected. I was exhausted since I stayed up most of the night getting our stuff together so that Rob could sleep since he was driving. We checked in our hotel and I got to lay down for about 30 minutes before our room was full of people. And then it was back on the road for wedding rehearsal and decorating the church until about 9 that night. The rehearsal was quick, but the decorating was long and frustrating. Too many people trying to be the boss with no direction. So were going around and around trying to figure out how to set things up. I called it an early night and had Rob drop me off at the hotel while he went out with his sister and her husband. I ordered some dinner for delivery and crashed soon after.

All of girls in the wedding got together that next morning to get our hair styled. I liked the back of my hair, but the front left something to be desired. But hey I didn't have many options for an up-do since my hair is short. Here's a pic of the back.

We spent most of the day either in the salon or at the church getting last minuet things together. And keeping Theresa in one piece and sane. The ceremony was simple and beautiful. I did good not to cry because Theresa and Matt are so in love. I'm really happy to have him as a brother-in-law now because he's a great guy.


Theresa just glowed despite all the crap that had been going on in the days leading up to the wedding. We're not even going to go there because that's just too long and drawn out to explain. Let's just say crazy and vindictive family members make me want to bitch slap them. But I can't because it would be wrong to slap your husband's grandmother.

The reception was fun. There was lots of dancing and laughing and great food. We even got Rob out on the floor a couple of times. I was exhausted when it was all over. My feet and back ached like hell.

Rob & I outside of Matt's parent's house

The next day we met up at Matt's parents' house to watch the newlyweds open their gifts and have lunch. We spent the rest of the day with Matt and Theresa just having fun with the occasional run in with the crazies. We went to St. Louis to go to the zoo or the science museum, but both of them were closed or getting ready to close by the time we got there. So we just stopped in at a sports bar for dinner. The first waiter we got took about 20-30 minutes to even come get our drink orders and give us menus. This is after we got talked to the hostess about it and requested to talk with the manager. When the waiter showed up he acted like we were bothering him by coming to eat there. Asshole! The manager was a great guy though. He took our table and tried to make up for the lousy service we had gotten so far. After getting shitty service and talking with the manager we ended up with a free meal. But all in all the day was fun.

That Sunday we kind of poked along in St. Louis and went shopping. We visited the Union Station Mall and looked through their museum. This mall used to be an actual train station that has been renovated. It was full of beautiful stain glass windows and gilded figures. It was cool seeing all the old train items and memorabilia. I found a great Beatles store too. And I snagged a cool poster for my home office. Theresa and Matt didn't leave town for their honeymoon. They're planning a nice one later once they've saved up more money. They spent a couple of nights in a hotel a couple of towns over from us. So we got to spend a lot of time with them. Then on Sunday they moved to the same hotel we were in, right across the hall which was cool. After the mall, we came back and chilled out in the hotel hot tub. We also learned how many fat people it takes to make the hot tub over flow.

We ended up going to a little Chinese restaurant for dinner that was next door to where we were staying. At first it didn't look like it was going to be too good. It was deserted and actually looked like it was closed every time we passed by. But we were so wrong. The food was amazing!!!! It reminded me of the Chinese restaurant in A Christmas Story where they ended up with a table full of food. The service was great and we had tons of left overs. I had a stir fry dish that consisted of chicken, shrimp, scallops, crab, beef, mushrooms and huge chunks of tofu all cooked in a metal pot. It was so good. I wish we had a place like that around here.

Monday we left Illinois about 1:30 that afternoon and headed to an Indian restaurant for lunch before we headed home to LA. This was our first chance at Indian food so we were excited. This place did not disappoint. I had Chicken Vindaloo with a cinnamon rice. Yum Yum! I can't wait until we can have some again! The drive home was good too. We took our time and made some stops along the way. We got in about 12:30 that night. All in all we had a great trip.

I took a ton of pictures on the trip so here's a link to them if you want to look.

Wedding Pictures

I got my mom's letter yesterday, but I didn't read it until today. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought, but it wasn't that good either. She kept asking me what's the rush since we haven't been married that long. Robert and I have only been married for 2 years now, but what difference does that make. I must have missed the part in the vows were the preacher asked do we vow to wait X number of years to start a family. I must have been paying attention to something else during that part. She mentioned the whole money thing again, but I already knew that was coming. She just wants us to make sure that we are completely financially stable because kids are very expensive. But we already know that so moving on. One question she kept asking was "Have you given God time to answer your prayers?" My thing is how do you know when He's answered your prayers? Is is when you get what you want? What if you never get what you asked for, is that your answer? Is there a certain amount of time you should wait before you assume that you've gotten your answer? Do you just wait by the phone to see if it ever rings? Is it like waiting for a bus that may or may not ever come? It's not like I've ever gotten a burning bush or a visit from an angel telling me my answer. So how do I know? I think I just have to step out on faith, and pray for God's guidance. I've always gone back to the same scripture over and over: “Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

How do you know when your prayers have been answered?

It's not raining outside, but it is inside of my heart. I finally decided or got up the nerve to tell my parents that we're planning to adopt. I wrote them a letter and mailed it. It was the only way I knew I could get everything I wanted to say out of my mind and my heart. I know they got it a couple of days ago, and I hadn't heard anything about it. So I called this morning, and my mom tells me that she's mailing me a letter back with her response. She says she thinks it was a good idea to write a letter so she decided to do it too. She wants to make sure I know exactly what she thinks and I won't miss or forget anything since it will be right in front of me in black and white. After hearing this and the tone of her voice I know it's not good. So I changed the subject to our trip to Illinois next week. I mentioned that I was going to have my friend that has done my hair on and off for over a decade give me a perm this weekend instead of going to my usual salon. This way I can save some money since she doesn't charge me, and the salon would be about a $100. My mom then says "See. That's why I don't think you all should adopt. There are always unexpected expenses popping up." I know what she really meant is "I don't think you all can afford it. If you have to skip going to the salon to save extra money for a trip. Then you can't afford a baby." It pisses me off and it breaks my heart all the same time. Why does my mother want to see me in pain? Everyday that I go home and pass by that room that should be a nursery, a piece of me dies. Everyday that someone else gets pregnant or has a baby that I know, a little piece of me dies. She knows how much having a child means to me, but yet she shoots down our option. I know that having a biological child would probably be cheaper in the beginning, but they all cost the same once they're at home. We're not rich, but we're not destitute either. We're willing to make the sacrifices that need to be made to make our dreams come true. Would she rather I only keep trying to get pregnant? Hey maybe this time it will kill me or just handicap me from a stroke? Would you be happy then mama? We saved some money because we didn't adopt. So now the money that would have been spent on that will be spent to bury me or take care of me until I die. Is that what you fucking want? I hate that I even care what she thinks. I really fucking hate it.

Goodbye 2007

This year was not my worst year, but it was certainly not my best year. 2007 is the year that I lost another part of myself. It was full of disappointments, sorrow, and pain. It was a time for me to really get to know myself. I worked through some of the grief and anger from 2006. I tried my best to reach out to others in their time of hurt. I tried to make sure Madison's death was not in vain. But all in all I'm just glad to see it go. I'm looking forward to 2008. I have renewed hope that life will be so much better next year. I have lots of plans and goals to accomplish. I stopped making resolutions last year since no one ever keeps them. I like to set goals for myself instead. I hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed New Year.

Yesterday in church we said this prayer that really spoke to me. So I close the year of 2007 with a prayer:

Lord, there is a sense of finality in our coming together today. We are closing the book on one chapter and looking forward to another. Help us to look forward with awe because of the challenges that face us and with confidence because of the strength we find in you. Help us to look upon this hour you have given us as one more opportunity for worship and for promise.
Amen.

Congratulations!

My sister-in-law, O, and her fiance, A, were married today. We weren't able to be there, but I hope it was everything she always wanted. We wish you guys a lifetime of happiness. This is the blessing that Rob and I used for our wedding, and so I pass it on to you both.

If there is righteousness in the heart,
there will be beauty in the character.
If there is beauty in the character,
there will be harmony in the home.
If there is harmony in the home,
there will be order in the nation.
If there is order in the nation,
there will be peace in the world.
So let it be
—Scottish Blessing

Just passing time

I found a link to a site that makes these cool labels. I used to love using my mom's label maker when I was young. Everything in the house had a label. So I just had to try to out too. Thanks for the fun, Niobe.

My Christmas

I promised pictures of our stockings. I think they are so cute. I just love Maddie's stocking we got her last year.

I'm so tired, so very tired. I'm glad that this holiday is over. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but we were constantly going and going and going. Christmas eve started out ok until we got a call at 10 AM from Rob's dad asking why we weren't at the grandparents' house yet and when are we getting there. The problem with that was the fact that we discussed what we were doing Christmas eve on Saturday and none of the discussions included going over to the grandparents' house as a group. We were planning a late lunch with Rob's parents at their house so my schedule had been set up around that. We have been told time and time again that in order to not put too much stress on Grandma we would visit in smaller groups during the day so they could rest between visits. So here I am sitting in my pj's working on my overheads for the 3 Christmas eve services that evening, and here comes a call completely throwing my day into to chaos. We finally got over there at 2 something after I ran the errands I had to run because those places would be closed by the time I got out of church.

I had to go by CVS and pick up some pictures that I ordered online. Only to get there and those idiots weren't able to find them. They looked and looked, but couldn't figure out what happened to them. One girl kept saying that somepeople were having problems with the pictures not getting to the store even though they are supposed to be sent to the store's computer and automatically printed out. They could even pull up my order on their system and view the pictures, but couldn't find the damn things. They had me wait for over 20 minutes, and they finally found them the 1st place they looked. This was the 1st time I used CVS online picture center and it will be the last time. All in all we did have a nice visit and exchanged gifts, but I still hate being rushed! I make all these nice schedules and plans and people always throw a wrench in them.

I did luck out and only have to run 2 of the 3 services that night so we were able to spend more time with Rob's grandparents and uncle. I am glad that I got to run the traditional service because it was beautiful. One of our groups, The 2 Tenors, sang "O Holy Night" and they sounded amazing. That's one of my favorite Christmas songs so I was in bliss listening to them. Then I had a little break until the last service at 7 which was our contemporary service. The GAP band sounded great even though it was only 4 of them there that night. I just love those guys!
I thought ahead this year and ordered a small sandwich tray for Rob and I to have for dinner after church. We usually end up eating crap since most places close at 6 on Christmas eve, and we don't get out of church until after 8. So we did get a chance to just chill out that night, watch A Christmas Story, and wrap gifts which was relaxing after that day of running and aggravation.

Christmas day was much better. We slept until 9 then got up and cooked some cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I started watching A Christmas Story again which drove Rob crazy. He can't understand how I can watch it back to back to back for hours and hours. We opened our gifts to each other. I got a beautiful bracelet with "If tears can build a stairway, and memories a lane. I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again." engraved on it. I also got new pink headphones and pair of blue Naruto ninja shoes. I can't wait to wear them with a costume. I got Rob some squirrel stuff which he loves. And a couple of t-shirts with references to the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and D&D on them. The dogs got big chicken basted rawhide bones, and they LOVED them! Olaf followed me around all morning showing me his bone and just wagging his little stump of tail.

We had dinner with my family which was wonderful. The food was so good especially the portabella and cracked pepper pork loin I made :) We exchanged gifts, and got a lot of things we had been hoping for. I'm especially excited about the new George Foreman programmable grill my dad got us. Since we're back on the weight loss bandwagon this will come in very handy. We took our first family picture in years. I think it turned out pretty good.That evening we went to visit my dad's mom in the hospital. I haven't seen her since Christmas 2005. I never really intended on seeing her, but I couldn't really make up an excuses since I was already at my parents' house and they were going to see her. I've held a grudge since Maddie passed away simply because I never heard from her at all. No call, no card, no message through another family member. She was all hog wild over her other great-grandkids, but I feel like Madison didn't matter to her since she only lived a short while. My other complaint was that she didn't even call or ask about me. I almost died, but she didn't care enough to say anything. But I have to be the mature one and put that aside at least for one day. So it's done. I did it.

Rob and I went by his parents' house for a while and had some egg nog. But we made sure to get home in time to play some Wii before bedtime. So all in all my Christmas was pretty good. I'm glad that it's over because now I can look forward to 2008. I pray that it will be a much better year for us, and hopefully there will be 3 of us in our house for Christmas '08.

And the Christmas Spirit is Here

Finally I actually feel like it's the Christmas holidays. I'm excited to give Rob his gifts because some of them are so cool. I'm looking forward to Christmas Eve services at our church. I always love spending the night before Christmas getting myself in the right frame of mind. Today was our department's holiday goodie day, and it was great. Everyone participated and we had a huge variety of foods. I worked hard today to make sure that 2 of my states' promotions were in the mail to make my filing deadline despite being on vacation. But the day was still fun. I'm so happy to be off work until next Thursday!!!! I'll start working on my letter to Madison soon to put in her stocking. And we'll take her a little tree or a poinsettia out to her stone tomorrow to make sure our little munchin's place is beautiful like always. Other than that I'm not doing nuthin....nuthin! I love paid time off!

11:11

Have you ever heard of making a wish when the clock shows 11:11? I'd never heard of this until my BFF told me about it high school, and ever since then I've done it if I happen to look up and see the clock at 11:11. It's silly, but so what. I love dandelions. Just love, love, love them. Ever since I was little girl playing in my grandparents backyard, I've loved to pick them and close my eyes and make a wish. Then I'd blow and watch the seed scatter to the winds. I used to believe that I could change anything just by wishing it. I don't see them as much as I used to. I think we've had maybe 1 or 2 in our yard at the house since we've lived there. But as we get older and life knocks us down again and again we lose that childlike hope that we could change everything with a wish.

I made a wish today.

Wow!!! I'm gonna be rich!!!

I've always heard about the spam/scam emails people get about some rich foreigner needing your help to get their millions out of some country. And for your little bit of help they will give you a % of their funds. But today little ole' me got one of those emails. I'd like to share with everyone this wonderful message to me just in time for Christmas. I will never forget the little people that helped me make it this far. I'm in the money!!! LMAO!!!

From Mrs. Shirley Smith # 20 Rivonia Road Sandton Johannesburg, TEL: +27-71-377-3385 Email:mrsshirleysmith@gmail.com

DEAR SIR

My name is Mrs. shirley smith the wife of Joseph smith from Zimbabwe. This might be a surprise to you about where I got your contact address, I got your address from the South African Network Online {SANO} when I was desperately looking for a trust-worthy person to assist my son who is currently residing in South Africa, and so I decided to contact you.

During the current war against the farmers in Zimbabwe from the supporters of our President Robert Mugabe to claim all the white-owned farms to his party members and his followers, he ordered all the white farmers to surrender their farms to his party members.

My husband was one of the best farmers in our country and because he did not support Mugabe’s ideas, Mugabe’s supports invaded my husband farm and burnt everything in the farm, killing my husband and made away with a lot of items in my husband farm. Before his death, my husband had deposited with one of the Security Company in Johannesburg, South Africa the sum of {US$9 M} Nine Million United States Dollars).

After the death of my husband, my son {PATRICK} decided to move out of my country to Republic of South Africa where my husband had deposited the money with the Security Company as valuables.

Please why I am contacting you is to assist us to move this money out of South Africa because as asylum seekers we are not allowed to operate any Bank Account or assured of security our investment within in the country. We have agreed to offer you 30% of the total sum for your assistance, while 70% will be for my family.

I believe that with your help we will invest it in your country. All I want you to do is to furnish me with your private phone and fax numbers for easy communication. You can contact me with myprivate telephone number:+27-71-377-3385 Waiting for your urgent response.

Best Regards.
Mrs. shirley smith
For the Family

I shop and I shop

I really should be working because I have a dozen projects up in the air that need to be done soon. But it's hard when you have other stuff on your mind. At least I've worked on my schedule and task lists to figure out what I need to do when at work to at least remain on time with my work load. It really doesn't feel like Christmas at all. It's cold here again, but it will be back in the low 70's again in a day or two. It's dreary looking outside today so that doesn't help get anyone in the festive mood.

I am happy that I finally found a great deal on a dress to wear in my sister-in-law's wedding in January. My friend ran across a great steal of a deal on it. It's a sea foam green sleeveless dress that has a sparkly top and a long skirt that looks like 2 pieces, but it's really a one piece. It has a nice 3/4 length sleeve jacket that goes with it. So hopefully this will keep me warm up in Illinois in January. It was originally $140.00, but I got it for $26.00. Now that's good shopping.

My Christmas cards finally went out in the mail yesterday and hopefully everyone will get their's before the 25th. I love our cards. We got 2 sets: one has a little girl angel holding a star wand and the other has 3 little baby angels singing on the front. We were drawn to them because the angels on there remind us of how Maddie would probably look today. I gave out my gifts to my co-workers yesterday. They each got to pick a yummy caramel apple covered in anything from Oreos to Chocolate and Peanut butter chips. I hope they like them. The apples came from my favorite store, QVC, and were individually wrapped with a ornament on each one. I'm all about convenience and saving money. All I had to do was take them out of the box and write my name on the gift tag!

Now I'm down to the last 4 people on my gift list. And since I ordered most of my gifts online I'm stalking USPS and UPS websites like they owe me money. As long as everything gets here by the 24th I'll be fine. I've also been loving Ebates.com. This is a site where you can get cash back from your purchases. I love it!

Well, it's almost time for my weekly meeting with Customer Service....ugghhh. Gotta run.

Holiday Bootay

I just decided to have a little fun this afternoon in between Wii Sports and working on my church stuff for tomorrow. So here's my little Christmas hoochie mama. The new Christmas stockings I ordered came in today. We got Maddie one last year that's a nice pink and white one with a big rattle in the center and a pink bow with her name and birth date. But we still had our Wal-Mart cheapies so this year we got personalized ones for ourselves from eBay. Rob has a red stocking with an embroidered Christmas squirrel on it that says Daddy. I have a dark red one with a poinsettia embroidered on it with some sequins and Mommy stitched in gold. Also I plan to finally address my Christmas cards since I finally got some stamps this morning. Better late than never.

Where's the joy?

I know I should be happy and joyful this time of year, and I try my best to be that way most of the time. But damn it's hard. Sometimes I want to tell people to stuff it. It's hard to smile all the time when friends talk about getting that special gift for their baby or pull out the Christmas pictures their baby took. You try to smile and be happy for them while the whole time deep in your heart you wish you could trade places with them. You wish you could be stressed out from having to take care of baby and still get Christmas tasks done. You wish your Christmas gift list included your baby, and that she would be there to open those gifts. It's no fun having a list full of gifts for adults. The only pitter patter of little feet I hear at home are my dogs. Then there's the people that complain about having to do so much for their kids to have a good Christmas like go shopping after work and decorate the house. How I wish I had that problem? I thought that this Christmas was going to be so much better than last years, but I was wrong. This year I'm no better off than I was last year. I'll still visit all my family with empty arms and an empty womb. I'll still hang a stocking for my daughter even though she'll never see it. I'll still get her a little tree for her grave. Yep, everything is just like last year.

Shopping Queen

I was beyond thrilled on Friday. I finally managed to snag a Nintendo Wii for less than the MSRP. I had tried a couple of eBay auctions, but hadn't been successful because I refused to pay a $100 plus over the price that the system should be. I had decided that we would just get one after Christmas since this gift isn't for a kid, it's for us. But I ran across several sites that tracked Wii and when they came in stock in different online stores. Rob had sent me an article talking about how these trackers were a waste of time. It basically said that if you were willing to stand outside of Best Buy or Toys R Us at 2 AM or pay almost double on eBay then you weren't getting one. But I signed up anyway.

So I'm sitting at my desk watching my eyes cross from reading the telecom laws in Illinois for the hundredth time when I got a pop up from Wii alerts that someone had some in stock. I couldn't believe my eyes. I hurried and clicked the link and I was able to get one from Amazon for a total of $239.99!!!! WooHoo!!!! I am the uber shopper!!! I can't wait until it gets here. I also managed to get 2 of the 4 games we want for less than they would cost us in the store. I love, love, love saving $$$$. I'm going to play the hell out of some Naruto:Clash of the Ninja Revolution in a couple of days. I feel like a little kid at Christmas. It's been a long time since I've been this excited about something. I'm a big kid sometimes, but damn it I deserve it!

Happy, Happy News!!!!!!!!!

My friend, Maria and her husband, are in Guatemala right now getting ready to bring their son, Gabriel home!!!! He will be in his forever home tomorrow! They have been through so much that it just renews my hope to see them get their blessings that they truly deserve. Just thinking of them brings to mind one of my favorite scriptures.

"Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest." Psalm 126:5-6 NLT

The survey

We got the adoption survey in the mail this past weekend and filled it out Sunday so I could get it in the mail Monday morning. Now I'm just watching the telephone not ring. I'm so inpatient. But back to the survey. The questions were what we expected and not what we expected. There were the typical questions about would you accept a child of this race or that race or a combo of certain races. They asked about if we would take a child with mental or physical handicaps and how much of a handicap would be accept. They asked about sibling groups and ages of children we would consider adopting. Then at the very end they asked if we had said we would consider a child other than full Caucasian did the child need to be light skinned. That question threw us both for a loop. It had never even crossed my mind that someone would care if the child was light skinned. I'm considered a light skinned African American, but my skin tone has changed several times over my life. It just makes me wonder if someone would actually choose a baby that was very light skinned, but then be disappointed later in life if they child didn't maintain that same light skin tone. I just get the image in my head of someone checking the baby's skin against a set of paint samples to see if they will "fit in". Who cares! I just want a healthy baby and that's it. I'm not going to change the way I feel about my child if they go from "high yellow" to a caramel complexion. I love my babies unconditionally and I will love my next one just the same.