Thursday, December 13, 2007

Where's the joy?

I know I should be happy and joyful this time of year, and I try my best to be that way most of the time. But damn it's hard. Sometimes I want to tell people to stuff it. It's hard to smile all the time when friends talk about getting that special gift for their baby or pull out the Christmas pictures their baby took. You try to smile and be happy for them while the whole time deep in your heart you wish you could trade places with them. You wish you could be stressed out from having to take care of baby and still get Christmas tasks done. You wish your Christmas gift list included your baby, and that she would be there to open those gifts. It's no fun having a list full of gifts for adults. The only pitter patter of little feet I hear at home are my dogs. Then there's the people that complain about having to do so much for their kids to have a good Christmas like go shopping after work and decorate the house. How I wish I had that problem? I thought that this Christmas was going to be so much better than last years, but I was wrong. This year I'm no better off than I was last year. I'll still visit all my family with empty arms and an empty womb. I'll still hang a stocking for my daughter even though she'll never see it. I'll still get her a little tree for her grave. Yep, everything is just like last year.


mesa said...

Ashley, I'm going thru the same feeligs this year- I pray this is the last year for both of us to go thru this emptiness. My heart aches that our arms are empty and it is just not easy. I got Ella a stocking too and will hang that. xo At least our girls are together ♥

niobe said...

The holidays are especially difficult. Joy is all around you, but, sometimes, you can feel as if you're just an outsider, untouched by the happiness of the season.