Friday, January 4, 2008
It's not raining outside, but it is inside of my heart. I finally decided or got up the nerve to tell my parents that we're planning to adopt. I wrote them a letter and mailed it. It was the only way I knew I could get everything I wanted to say out of my mind and my heart. I know they got it a couple of days ago, and I hadn't heard anything about it. So I called this morning, and my mom tells me that she's mailing me a letter back with her response. She says she thinks it was a good idea to write a letter so she decided to do it too. She wants to make sure I know exactly what she thinks and I won't miss or forget anything since it will be right in front of me in black and white. After hearing this and the tone of her voice I know it's not good. So I changed the subject to our trip to Illinois next week. I mentioned that I was going to have my friend that has done my hair on and off for over a decade give me a perm this weekend instead of going to my usual salon. This way I can save some money since she doesn't charge me, and the salon would be about a $100. My mom then says "See. That's why I don't think you all should adopt. There are always unexpected expenses popping up." I know what she really meant is "I don't think you all can afford it. If you have to skip going to the salon to save extra money for a trip. Then you can't afford a baby." It pisses me off and it breaks my heart all the same time. Why does my mother want to see me in pain? Everyday that I go home and pass by that room that should be a nursery, a piece of me dies. Everyday that someone else gets pregnant or has a baby that I know, a little piece of me dies. She knows how much having a child means to me, but yet she shoots down our option. I know that having a biological child would probably be cheaper in the beginning, but they all cost the same once they're at home. We're not rich, but we're not destitute either. We're willing to make the sacrifices that need to be made to make our dreams come true. Would she rather I only keep trying to get pregnant? Hey maybe this time it will kill me or just handicap me from a stroke? Would you be happy then mama? We saved some money because we didn't adopt. So now the money that would have been spent on that will be spent to bury me or take care of me until I die. Is that what you fucking want? I hate that I even care what she thinks. I really fucking hate it.