Due Date

I should be taking care of a new born baby right now. Today was the due date for baby #2 that stayed with us for 7 weeks. That whole thing caught me off guard. I was preparing myself for horrible debilitating all day sickness like I had with Madison. And I was getting ready to start going to the perinatologists to start seeing my high risk team. I was preparing for the real work. I didn't think I wouldn't make it out of my 1st trimester. I was naive even after everything that had happened with Maddie. I was so sick for my first 20 weeks with Maddie that every time I went to the doctor I was afraid to have an ultrasound. I was afraid she wasn't going to make it. I lost 20 pounds during that 20 weeks. I went to the hospital 2 times for IV fluids because I couldn't even keep water down. But she was always so strong and made it through it all with no problem. She was even bigger than expected for her gestation.

So when I finally got pregnant again in March I thought the battle wouldn't start until 20 weeks or so. Boy was I wrong. One morning I get up from my desk to go to the bathroom and I found dark red blood. I freaked out. I knew in my heart that I was losing this baby. I just knew it. I'm not a spotter or a bleeder so I knew this wasn't good. My doc saw me about 2 hours later and couldn't find anything on my ultrasound so she sent me to the major ultrasound area to be checked out by a better machine. But I knew it was a waste of time. I knew the end was near. I don't even really remember much of anything about that 2nd ultrasound. I didn't even look. I didn't want to see the empty blackness. I didn't want to see that part of me that was betraying me once again.

Rob brought me home from that appointment in silence. I had already started spiraling out of control. While sitting in the hallway waiting to have my blood work done, I gave him my rings back. I wanted it to all be over. I was a failure. I can't provide him with living children so why would he want to be married to me. I looked at him in the eyes when I gave them back, but I wasn't really looking at him. I was looking through him and only seeing the hate for myself. I got out of the car at home and went immediately to the empty nursery. I grabbed all of the baby clothes and my maternity clothes and tried to set them on fire. I didn't want to see anything that reminded me of my failures. In my mind those things were things that would never be used by my babies. And I sure as hell wasn't going to have someone else using them.

Rob stopped me from torching everything and from probably burning down our house. I was in a rage and I wanted to hurt someone anyone. I needed someone to hurt instead of me. Why was I always the one hurting while others are living a happy perfect life? That was 7 months ago and I still think about that day. I still compare my life today to how my life should be. I look around the living room floor that should be covered in toys. I look in the backseat of my car that should have a car seat in it now. I wake up to the sound of barking dogs at 3 a.m. instead of the sound of my baby crying for me. I listen to others talking about the wonderful things their child is doing, and my heart breaks once more. I wonder if I'll ever be able to raise a child of my own that is either born from my body or born in my heart.

18 Months

Today 18 months ago the love of my life was born and got her wings. I miss Madison everyday. It's so hard some days to even smile. I'm sitting at my desk trying to work, but she keeps coming to my mind and I start to cry. It doesn't get easier as time passes, you just learn to function better. This is my normal. I miss you so much my little Munchin. I love you! xoxoxo

Wasted 2 hours

I could have been watching tv or cooking a healthy supper or doing just about anything other than what I did last night. Rob's friend, Lawry, calls him the other day to say he wants to come by and talk to Rob. This is the friend that Rob wants to try to help. He just got married and he's been a pizza delivery boy for what seems like decades. He needs to do this for a job he's getting, and he will bring his trainer too. Rob agreed because Lawry says it will only take about 30 minutes, and he only needed Rob. Fine with me I can cook and just stay in the computer room while they talk. I knew from the moment Robert told me what he said he was trying to sell or rope us into some crap!

So 6:30 PM yesterday rolls around and there's a knock at the door. It's Lawry and his "trainer". I'm in the kitchen pulling out the ingredients to make a tasty panchetta and pasta dish for dinner. Now all of a sudden Lawry won't get his credit unless both of us sit in for the talk. So I'm stuck taking this irritating questionnaire asking me questions about what I want out of life and do I like my job and will I be able to retire when I want or pursue my dreams. The trainer asks us to list our dream cars and how our dream house would look and name all the places we'd love to travel. Only a blind monkey wouldn't see the sales pitch coming. The trainer keeps saying he's not trying to sell us anything he's trying to hire us. Don't we want to help other people obtain their dreams and save money while making lots of money for ourselves?

The trainer starts talking about life insurance. How most people don't have enough. But that section of the pitch ended soon after I explained to him my views on death and life insurance. I don't need to hit the lottery if my husband dies and neither does he if I die. We have enough insurance to pay off the mortgage and our bills. But that's it. I've worked and taken care of myself before Rob and I will continue to do that if something happened to him. I don't need to make half a million dollars on my husband's death. I don't need to sit on my ass for the rest of my life in luxury because someone I love died.

Then he starts on the mortgage section of the pitch and I explain to him that I worked for a major mortgage company for several years, and I have my degree in Finance so I'm not dumb. So don't come at me with more bull. Then he's talking about something called Debt Stacking. Doesn't that just sound lovely. Oh yes I would prefer to move my unsecured debt and make it secured debt. Yes, you may save some money, but everyone won't. Why would I give up my 6% fixed mortgage for an adjustable one or one that's interest rate is double what I already have. I didn't just fall off the turnip truck.

He also kept asking for referrals because that's how you grow your business. He felt the need to tell me that I need to ask people more questions so that they order more stuff from my Avon business. Sorry, but I don't like feeling like I'm in a job interview when someone's selling me something so why the hell would I do that to someone else? Also why would I want to make my living harassing my friends, neighbors, and strangers to listen to a 2 hour sales pitch for life insurance or refinancing or something else I don't even want. No thanks I'll stick with selling Avon.

After almost 2 hours of this bull they finally leave after getting us to agree to meet with them next week. Yeah right! I think I feel a cold coming on...cough...cough.

The moral of the story is always use your caller id and answering machine when friends decide to call you out of no where.

Death Note

Why do people feel the need to tell me about every story they read about someone abusing or worse yet killing their children? They don't understand that it just makes me more pissed off at the world. I struggle for something that people think is trash. It makes me think of a new anime I saw a couple of weeks ago called Death Note. Basically a guy finds a book that tells him any name he writes in the book while thinking of that person, that person will die in a few minutes. You can even choose how they die, but if you don't they will just have a heart attack. I just think of all the people that I would write in that book. All the losers that hurt kids would be in that book. I'd even take the time to come up with creative ways for them to die, nothing nice and simple, oh no I want them to suffer. But the one drawback to the book is that if you use it you can never go to heaven. That's my only problem because I have to be with my Madison again one day. I couldn't give up
the chance to be with her again for anything.

Back OP

Let's see OP stands for a lot of things for me like On Point or On Plan or Off Poison. Our First Place weight loss class is being changed to a weight loss support group for anyone on any plan. So we will see how that goes. But today is Day 1 back to eating healthy like I should. So no more yummy bacon, egg, and cheese croissants for breakfast and pizza or hamburgers for dinner when we don't feel like cooking. Damn! I'm going to miss that. Today I had fat free blackberry yogurt for breakfast, some leftover Jamaican chicken with bulgur pilaf with pine nuts for lunch. I've had about 10 points worth of food, but I'm not counting. I'm tired of counting points for a while, but I've been doing it for so long it happens anyway. Tonight is Rob's night to cook and we're having a weight watchers pizza casserole for supper. I can't wait. It sounds yummy. I hope to exercise tonight too, but we will see how that goes since I've been battling my sinuses all day. I hate weather changes!!!

My Halloween

The day started by being up all night waiting for Rob's mom to finish my costume. She started on it that evening even though I took her all the stuff about 2 weeks earlier. But we're not even going to get into that. I'm still cranky about that shit. Well, we got home about 6AM and there was no way either of us could make it to work for 8. We took a nap and went into work at 11. I was good, but Rob was a zombie. I grabbed a Monster energy drink just in case my 3rd or 4th wind decided to die. I got home a little after 5 and started to get dressed for Trick R Trunk at 6. This is a community outreach event that our church does every year. Usually we have about 1,000 people come through in the 2 hours we're there. The band usually plays for the event, but this year our leader and soloist was sick. So that didn't happen. 2 of the guitarists played just for fun.

Rob went as a knight in shinning armor equipped with a shield and a war hammer. He looked more a dwarf out of Dungeons and Dragons that any knight I've ever seem. But I love my little dwarf just the same. I was a kunoichi or female ninja anime character. I had a blast and got tons of compliments on my costume. I'll get to dress up like this again next week for Rob's department costume party so I'm excited about that. This was the 1st year I had a totally original costume that I designed myself. After the fun we went by R's parents' house to show them how we turned out, but his mom was dead to the world. I can't blame her. She actually made it to work with no sleep. Then we grabbed some Arby's and we by our neighbor's house. We talked to them for a while and went home to crash. We were both so tired, and I think we're finally back to full energy today. Well here are a couple of pics and a link to the rest if you'd like to see them.






www.maddiesmom.shutterfly.com

The Update (Long Edition)

Let's see what's been going on in my life since I blogged reguarly. I guess I'll break it down into days.

October 18:

I had a Microsoft Access training class today so I was off work. Thank God! The class ended at 2:30 so I had the rest of the afternoon to chill out. My friend, Kelley, her dad, and I went to see MercyMe in concert. The other acts were Aaron Shust and Monk and Neagle. The concert was amazing. This is my 4th time seeing MercyMe and I think the concerts just get better every time. Kelley's dad, Jim, knows the concert promoter so he was able to get us backstate passes for the pre-concert Meet and Greet. Jim decided that he wanted all the guys to sign his guitar, and I let them sign the booklet to one of their cds. This is the 2nd time we've met the band, but this time I actually had my own camera with me. It was so fun. Here's a picture of me with MercyMe and one with Aaron Shust.



October 19:

Kelley and I met at her apartment in Shreveport and down to Houston, TX to see Casting Crowns. The trip was long, but not too bad since we used Google maps on the way down there. We only got "lost" once and that was because we left the map directions for lunch and got ourselves confused. Neither of us is good with the whole North-South-East-West thing. We got to the concert kind of early and I kept noticing people that looked like they were getting ready for a cosplay. I talked to a couple of them and found out that there was a huge anime/gaming event going on that weekend in the hotel next to the concert arena. I sooooo wanted to go there, but we just didn't have time. I can't wait until next year when Rob and I will get to go to one in Dallas. We might even try for one in Houston too since it's an annual event. But I'll get back to the subject because I can talk about my cosplay plans for a long time.

The concert was wonderful. There were so many times I was moved to tears. And to hear them perform "Praise You in This Storm" was so touching. That song will always remind me of my journey back from the hell of losing Maddie. You could feel the holy spirit in that place. It was just amazing.

October 20:

A friend of ours that lives near Houston came to take us to the Galleria. Phillip brought along a friend of his, Jeremy, and we had a good day. That mall is huge!!! I just hate that I was low on money because they have every store you can imagine all in one place. I so wanted to buy a Coach wallet, but I decided I rather eat that weekend. But Rob promises that we will go there together when we have some extra cash to have fun with next year. I can't wait. We ate at the Cheesecake Factory that day. This was my first time eating there, and I love, love, love it. I had a yummy garlic pasta with shrimp and shitake mushroom dish. Then I managed to eat a huge piece of Kahlua coffee cheesecake. Yummmmm!!!! I will definitely go there again.

That night Kelley and I just chilled out. She watched the LSU football game while I surfed the net in the hotel room. I'm sorry I could care less about college football especially when it's a school I've never been too. But that's just me. We got some take out for dinner. I picked a restaurant called Prince's Hamburgers that had a menu in the hotel room. I had a huge burger with mushrooms, swiss cheese, grilled onions, and avocado with fries and a couple of onion rings. Oink! But damn it was good and I was on vacation so it's ok. The next day we drove back to Shreveport, and it took us about a hour and half less time than the trip there. I was glad to get on the road home because I missed my baby. I was so happy to just be home with my hubby. I don't think I'm going to go on anymore trips without him anymore. There were just so many things I know we would have enjoyed together that I didn't do because no one but me wanted to do them. I don't think it's sad that I don't want to be away from him. The sad thing is when a couple looks forward to being apart.

Quick Update

I know this is the longest I've gone without posting since I started my blog, and I feel so weird not updating. I've just been so busy with home and work duties. I went on a weekend get-away with my friend, Kelley, last weekend. I will post the pics from that soon. I just wanted to let everyone know I'm alive and well, just very busy. Tonight my sister-in-law, future brother-in-law, and grandmother-in-law (is that a term) are coming over for dinner tonight. Sister and Brother-in-law live up north so we don't see them a lot. We're going to take them out to the cemetery to see Madison since none of them have had a chance to yet.

Tomorrow evening I'll probably be lighting a fire under my mother-in-law to finish my Halloween costume since she's very far behind schedule. I'm hoping she gets it done, but I think it will look so cool. I'm excited. I always love going to my church's Trick R Trunk and giving candy out to all the little kids that come by. This year I'll be a black anime character. Since there is a lack of good, cool black anime characters I've invented one. I like to refer to myself as the Giant Black Japanese Doll. Yes, most people that I've told that are so confused. There's just something strange about black Japanese. Hopefully this costume will be just one of many cosplay outfits to come. My next project will be a big one that I plan to execute for an anime convention in March. I will be Urd from Ah! My Goddess.We've started researching and looking for supplies now because being in a small town most things out of the "ordinary" have to be ordered online. I can't seem to find a good picture of her with her wings showing. I love the fact that she's half goddess and half demon. So she has 1 white wing and 1 black wing.

This was supposed to be aquick update. Oh well back to researching tariffs since that's what I'm being paid for.

LMAO

I just spent about an hour online looking at people's profiles on Myspace and laughing my ass off. My BFF wanted me to check out the pages for our 10 year reunion. I don't understand why grown ass people feel the need to spend all their time on a site telling other people Hi or What's Up or Look at me!!! WTF? That makes no sense. I'm sorry but once I get home from working 8 plus hours, I have no desire to hang out on a site that's geared to teens. I'm freaking 27 years old. I laugh at all the people that can't just be real and accept their lives. These are the same people that haven't grown up or matured since they graduated from high school. You have some people lying about their ages or their jobs or their degrees or lack of degrees. Why? What's the purpose of lying to strangers about your life? You're true friends accept you just the way you are. Why even say anything if you have to make it up? Some people can say that a blog is the same, but hardly. The blogs that I read and follow are about someone's real life. None of them use their whole page to send shout outs to people. They actually write about subjects and a lot of them give information. I guess you actually have to have some brain waves to maintain a real blog.

October 15

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I remember my daughter and the little baby that would be due in a couple of weeks everyday. I miss them both deeply. They are very much a part of my life today. I wasn't able to find any memorials going on in my town for this event so Robert and I will have our own private remembrance tonight. We'll light Madison's memorial candle and remember the wonderful times we had with her and dream of seeing her again. We'll take some pink roses to her grave because I know she would have loved pink as much as her mommy does. We will honor both of our babies today. I hope that you'll think of my babies and the millions of precious babies that have been lost.

How very softly you tip toed into my world, almost silently.
Only a moment you stayed,
but what an impact your Footprints have left on my heart.

I was going to be nice

I had decided that I was going to post a lighthearted post today since it's Friday and I don't have a ton to do this weekend. But I can't. I've seen too many stories of stupid bitches that can have kids as easy as they can open their damn legs, but treat the kids like shit when they get here. I don't fucking understand why some people can have one baby and before that kid can hold it's head up they are pregnant with another one. And every time they get knocked up it will be a nice easy pregnancy. Why the fuck do so many good people try forever to get pregnant and then that pregnancy goes down in flames?

I think back to this survey I got from the Louisiana department of health a couple months after Madison died wanting me to help in their research as to why my baby died. I ignored it for months because I didn't give a damn if I helped anyone else make it through their pregnancy scott free. But I finally decided to answer it and it just pissed me off.
It asked me questions like:

1. If I had medical care the whole time?
2. Did I smoke while pregnant?
3. Did I do drugs or drink?
4. Did I take prenatal vitamins?
5. Did my partner abuse me?

I think those are the stupidest questions. I learned all those things were wrong a long time before I started gapping my legs to get pregnant. I did everything I was supposed to and more, but still all I have to show for it is a c-section scar and a headstone. These bitches can commit all kinds of wrong against their unborn child and yet they come home with a healthy baby. I'm fucking tired of feeling like a leper. I'm tired of coming home to a house with an empty nursery. I'm sick and tired of watching everyone get their dreams while I can't seem to wake from my nightmare. I think my dream job would be the punisher of people that hurt children. That way I could take out all my anger and rage on someone that deserves it.

My busy, busy life

I've been MIA for longer than usual simply because work has been so effing busy. Last week we had to spend 2 days in meetings all day long. But what the powers that be don't understand is that work still piles up even though you're in meetings. People still email you, call you, and due dates for projects still approach. We got stuck in meetings that mostly had nothing to do with us. Our boss likes to give the appearance that he's more important and more knowledgeable than he is. So he basically crashed another group's annual meetings and drug us along for the ride. It was nice being able to meet the people we work with that are located all over the country, but that could have been accomplished without taking us away from our work for 2 days. So by the time that was all over I'm so behind I don't even know which way is up.

And don't even get my started on that asshole we call Forrest Gump. He basically told us that we're "under performing" and depending on people that have been with the company for decades. "You all should be the experts in your department. But instead people in the company call Mr. X or Mrs. Y to get answers when they should call you." Why the fuck would someone call me to ask a question about something someone else in our department did? People with brains will call the person that did the project not just some random person that happens to be in the same department. He wants us to spend most of our day kissing people's asses all over the country, and somehow figure out how to get our actually work done at the same time. He just confirmed everything I've heard about him from other people and everything I've thought. He's out for himself and doesn't care to appreciate the people that really do the work behind the scenes. If you're not Suzy Suck-up then you'll never get anywhere as long as he's in charge. I've been there almost 3 years, and I can't remember one time he's shown any of us his appreciation. But all the time I see other VPs showing their employees their thanks. I'm not asking for a huge cash bonus even though that would be nice. But hell a simple lunch out that we don't have to pay for would be nice. Someday when I'm the one in charge I'll show my people how much they mean to me and not treat them like indentured servants.

Also this past week when I got home I had tons of questions from people looking at my Ebay auctions and from my Avon store. Also I was working on getting items together for my yard sale. I'm so glad that most of my auctions are done and my yard sale is over because I just need to relax finally. Too many things just fell at the same time. But at least I made some good money and got some extra room in my house.

I had a pretty good day today since I was away from the office for a training class. I love training classes that have nice long lunches and get out early. Now that's the life. I actually did learn a lot in class. But it's back to purgatory tomorrow.

I am so tired, so very tired. My heart just hurts. Please stop hurting. Why won't the pain just go away?

Silence is golden especially when you have 2 co-workers that feel the need to talk about their babies all day, everyday.

Please read and help

I don't usually ask people for much of anything. But I just found out about the problems going on concerning Guatemalan adoptions. Families that are already in the process of adopting a child could lose that child forever to the foster care system. These are families that love and have bonded with these children. I have a friend that is in the process of adopting a beautiful baby boy. They are so close, and it just breaks my heart to see anything possibly jeopardize him being brought to his forever home here in the U.S. My friend and her husband have had enough losses in their life. And as so many of us know losing a child is a loss you wouldn't wish upon anyone. So please visit this site and sign the petition. Thanks.

http://www.petitiononline.com/foafoa1/petition.html

Back to my therapy

Every time I hear "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting
Crowns I have to stop and just listen to the words.
I have to just let the music take over my mind.
Sometimes it soothes me, sometimes I cry, sometimes
I just smile. This song means so much to me. It
helped me heal. It brought me out of the darkest
pits of hate, anger, and despair. After
Madison died I decided that I was done with God.
He had his chance to redeem himself after
taking away my sister, and he had failed miserably.
What the hell had I done to deserve this living
nightmare? I was no saint, but I was a good
and faithful Christian. I went out into the world
and spread his word. I volunteered and helped
the needy. I spent tons of my free time working
to make sure our Sunday services were meaningful
and beautiful.
And this is how he shows me his love by stealing
my baby as I lay near death in a hospital bed.
I kept most of my feelings to myself.
Especially to most of my visitors because they
were my friends from church. I didn't breathe a word of my anger.
I didn't tell anyone that I was planning on
quiting my church and the God that
had hurt me so much.

But one night on the way home from grabbing some
McDonald's I felt the urge to pop in
a CD. The one I found in the darkness was
Casting Crowns. The next thing I knew that
song was filling my car, my head, and my
broken heart. I began to cry and beg God for
his forgiveness for blaming him and for being
angry at him. Little did I know, but that
night my heart started to mend. I went back to
church that week, and I've been there
ever since. I asked a good friend to learn this
song for me and sing it one Sunday. It
was only fitting since he sang at my wedding
that he should sing this song for my baby
and me. It's not an easy song to sing vocally
nor emotionally. But he did it and I'm still
thankful for it to this day. It was therapeutic
to put the overhead slide show
together for it. I tried to convey all the
emotions and sadness that I had been
feeling into pictures. I remember my pastor Weldon
telling me 2 years ago as I sat in his
his office crying about my sister being brain dead
that "It's OK to get angry with God.He understands
that. But the problem comes when we stay angry with God."

I was sure by now That You would have reached down 
And wiped our tears away 
Stepped in and saved the day 
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls I barely hear Your whisper
through the rain “I’m with you” 
And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands
and praise the God who gives and takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm 
And I will lift my hands 
For You are who You are
No matter where I am

Every tear I’ve cried You hold in Your hand 
You never left my side 
And though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind 
You heard my cry You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone 
How can I carry on If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper
through the rain “I’m with you” 
And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands
and praise the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills 
Where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the Lord The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Casting Crowns
2005 Word Music, LLC

Spring cleaning a few months late

I'm sitting here in my computer booth at church cleaning out my email folders because I work a lot faster than the band can practice. I ran across an email dated 12/27/05 from Baby Center with the title: My Pregnancy This Week-- 4 weeks. Most people would probably delete it, but I can't. That email was about Madison. We had just found out that I was pregnant 2 days earlier on Christmas morning. That was the best day of my life. I remember getting up before dawn and trying not to wake Robert. I had already tested a few days earlier and gotten a negative so I didn't think I was pregnant. But I still held out a little glimmer of hope for my very own Christmas miracle. So I took the test and tried to pass the time by reading a magazine. Then I looked out the corner of my eye to the test sitting on the counter, and I could swear I didn't see a Not on the screen. I picked up the test and began to cry. I was so excited that I burst through the bedroom door and took a flying leap onto a sleeping Robert screaming "We did it! We did it!". He's half asleep and confused so I yell "I'm pregnant!". At that moment he kisses me and starts to cry. I knew in my heart I was going to have my little girl, my Madison, that we had dreamed about so many months before. Those are such happy memories that I want to keep them all. I even have the positive pregnancy tests in Madison's memory box. I don't want to ever forget anything about my daughter. I will cherish her memory forever.

Madison and Ella

Every time I see 2 butterflies I think of Madison and Ella. Ella is the daughter and angel of my friend, Mesa. I always pray for Mesa around the 18th of month because that's when Ella got her wings. Even though I lost Maddie almost a year before Ella was born, Mesa has helped me deal with so much. I reached out to her a few days after Ella died in the hopes that I could help in some way and we ended up helping each other. In the midst of grief and sorrow, I gained a friend. That's why I know that Maddie and Ella are together in heaven laughing and playing and sending us tons of hugs and kisses.

I Would Die For That

This video had me in tears today. It's so true, but you'll never truly understand it until it's become your life. What if Madison was my one chance?

I Will Try

I ran across this poem on a message board tonight while I was looking for more info on trying to conceive. It really hit home with me. I know that I've lost most of my patience and it gets shorter and shorter every month someone I know gets their dream and I don't. Lord, please bless me with patience to allow your will to be done.


The Wait Poem
by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said,"Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?"
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".

The Dance

I ran across this song today and immediately remembered the special times with Maddie. I remember being goofy one night at home alone doing the electric slide and feeling Maddie kick and move. Or laying in bed reading her Dr. Suess's "All the Places You Will Go" and knowing she had gone to sleep only to wake up and kick me when I stopped reading. I love you my feisty little kicker.


Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

In-laws

Most people get a bad image in their minds when then hear about someone's in-laws. But I was blessed to get the one thing I wanted since I was a little girl when my brother got married. I got a big sister. I may have already been a grown-up when I met Sherina, but it didn't matter. She was the sister I had dreamed about for so long. It was so easy to see why everyone that came into contact with her loved her. It's hard for me to type this and it's been 2 years since she passed away. September 5, 2005, just 2 days after our wedding, I found out the fight was over. We had prayed so much that week before for God to wake you up and bring you back. You were supposed to stand beside me as I got married just like I stood beside you just 2 years earlier. I still don't understand what happened. There is so much I want to say, but the tears keep getting in the way. Sherina meant so much to me that I gave my daughter her name. I wanted Sherina's legacy to live on forever. The day Madison was born I was so sick and so out of it, but some things I remember so clearly. I remember seeing Sherina in a long white dress standing at the foot of my bed as I held Maddie. She just smiled at me. I was so happy to see her again, but I was focusing all I had on my little girl. I knew in my heart where Maddie was going and I knew Sherina would take good care of her for me. "Life made us sisters...love made us friends."

A Big Step

I actually went over to see a co-worker's 1 month old baby today. She brought him by the office, and I was able to go over and look at him. Usually I pretend to not hear what's going on or mysteriously have to run a errand upstairs to avoid the baby and new mommy. But not today. I was afraid as I was walking over there with Jana, but when I got there I was ok. My heart didn't fall apart like it usually does. I didn't want to curl into a ball and cry for days. I didn't feel like people were looking at me to see if I'm going to crack because there's a baby there. I was simply ok. I could actually smile and not have to force myself. I'm not saying that I won't cringe when I see pregnant woman or get jealous when I hear about other people's babies doing what my baby should be doing now. But I'm ok.

Back to the Real World (This is a long one)

I'm back at work now after being off for a week. Our anniversary trip was great. We had so much fun, and I hated to come back to little old Monroe. I love Dallas! There's so much to do and to see. There's actually culture there. I'm actually working on getting a job there. I think that I will really be able to advance my career in that town. But back to the trip.

We left Monroe after dropping the dogs off at Rob's parent's house at 7 Saturday morning. We met up with my brother, Corey, his girlfriend, Janet, her son, Alex and his friend, Connor at my brother's apartment in Plano. We all loaded in my bro's SUV and headed to Six Flags. We had a great time. My throat was sore from screaming my head off so many times. My favorite conquest for that day was the foot-long corn dog and curly fries! Our last ride was the Texas Giant which is a huge wooden roller coaster. OMG! That ride was so rough it left with bruises on my legs. A lot has changed in the 8 years since I last went to Six Flags. My body just doesn't appreciate being shaken like a rag doll.

We were so tired after driving for 5 hours and then being at Six Flags for 6 hours I just wanted to get a bath and crash. But Janet's family was having a party that night. A lot of her family was in town from Columbia and they really, really wanted to meet us. So we got to the party at 10 PM and stayed until 3:30AM. I had a blast!!! There was so much food and booze. Every time you turned around someone was handing you a shot. Her family is the liveliest bunch of people I've ever met. Even though we couldn't understand the words of the music or a lot of conversations we still felt at home. The food her aunt made was amazing. And there was tons of it. My favorite were the fresh empanadas and ceviche. Yum!!! It was wonderful to really let my hair down and just party. I really want to learn to speak Spanish now so next time we will have even more fun.

Sunday we slept late and just chilled out. Rob and I drove to a great sushi place, Sushi Sakana, and had some amazing rolls. Their tempura plate was so good! It had shrimp, sweet potatoes, broccoli, mushrooms, and onions all fried in my best fattening friend, tempura! My favorite was the rainbow roll and a huge foot long roll that had crab,shrimp, avocado, tuna, and tempura. The calamari roll was delicious. I'm getting hungry again just thinking about the yummy fresh fish. This place was wonderful because it was small and cozy with great service. The rest of the day we just chilled out around the house. Rob and I played Magic for a couple of hours and then went for some take out late that night.

Monday we went shopping at the Asian Market and then hit the outlet mall in Allen. That place was amazing. I love, love, love outlets and this place was full of the best. We hit Farberware for lots of kitchen goodies, Nike, Adidas, Carters, Reebok, and too many more to mention. Then we went to Sam Moon which was great. I love jewelry and that place is full of it! We both got some cute picture frames for our desks at work to put Maddie's picture in. Mine looks like a rocking horse with teddy bears and the top of the frame has a pink bow with Sweetheart written above it. That evening we checked into our hotel which was more gorgeous than the pictures online. We've never stayed at a 4 or 5 star hotel before so this was a new experience for us.

The restaurant we originally planned on eating at was closed on Labor Day, but we didn't know that until we went there. So to avoid just wandering around looking for somewhere we ate at the Bistro in the hotel. OMG! That place was not what we would call a bistro. We were thinking casual place with simple meals. But boy were we wrong. It was a beautiful, classy, elegant 4 star place. I had the some of the best food in my life. My steak in a burgundy sauce was delicious. The calamari with lime ranch dipping sauce was so good. Robert had salmon topped with jump lump crab meat covered in a hollandaise sauce. So our 2nd choice place ended up being a great decision.





Tuesday we decided to keep it low key. We got up late and walked to a small Thai restaurant I had found a review for online called Tuk Tuk Asain Cuisine. The prices were great and the so was the service. I've always wanted to try Pad Thai, but it's kind of hard when there are no Thai restaurants in your town. So I got seafood Pad Thai after I asked the waitress what was included in the seafood. She said shrimp, scallops, and crab. But what I got was shrimp, scallops, squid, and mussels. Um No! I hate mussels especially on the half shell. I tried to eat it, but all I could taste were the mussels. So my sweetheart traded meals with me. He loved mine and I loved his beef and peppers dish.

Then we walked to the Dallas Art Museum. That place is huge! I've never been to a museum that amazing in my life. We were there for hours and still didn't get to see everything. We plan to go back in the future. Rob especially enjoyed himself since he's an artist. He laughs at me because I'm always finding other pictures within the abstract paintings. One of the sculptures that I was especially attracted to was a tumba or shrine figure of a woman kneeling with a child at her knee.
These figures usually serve as the guardian of the grave of important people in the village. They think the figure was of a mother that had lost a child. Her eyes were made of a reflective material that made it look like she's looking at you, but also looking into another world. I could see her pain in her face. I have those same eyes now. I've been looking beyond this world for what seems like a long time now.

My brother took us to dinner that night to a nice Mexican restaurant in downtown Dallas. We really enjoyed it there since they had items on the menu that you don't typically find. I had shrimp and crab enchiladas. Yummy.

Wednesday we slept late and had a nice lunch in the Texas Roadhouse grill in the hotel before we checked out. We visited one the aquariums in town before we got on the road. I got to see a 130 year old alligator snapping turtle along with lots of other turtles. I love turtles if you haven't figured that out yet. Our trip home was nice except being stuck in traffic outside of Killgore, TX for over an hour due to a 6 car wreck on the bridge. I don't think anyone was hurt, but it took forever to get the road cleared for traffic to continue.

Once we got home we just bummed around the house for the rest of the week which was a nice end to our holiday. If you want to see the rest of pictures I took on the trip here's the link.
http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=2BcMWzZsxYsIG&emid=sharview&linkid=link4

Our Anniversary

Next week, well Labor Day to be exact, will be our 2nd wedding anniversary! This year we're taking a trip to Dallas to go to Six Flags, a couple of museums, the aquarium, and lots of OUTLET SHOPPING!!!!! I'm excited about lots of great discounts and sales especially since this is a holiday weekend. So we will get out on the road early Saturday morning after we drop our dogs off at Rob's parent's house for baby sitting. Then we're meeting up with my brother, his girlfriend, and her son for the Six Flags adventure. She's getting us discounted tickets which is hella cool! Saturday and Sunday we will stay at my brother's apartment in Plano to save some $$. He lives down the street from a fabulous sushi restaurant. I can wait. I love, love, love me some sushi!!!! I'm getting hungry just thinking about it. Then on Monday we're going to check into The Adolphus hotel in Dallas. I hope it's a beautiful and luxurious in person as it is online. I'm hoping for something a lot different than the "typical hotel room" on this trip.

It's become a tradition for us now to take off about a week or so from work around this time. We did this last year and went away to the mountains of Hot Springs, Arkansas for a lot of alone time. This time last year was so hard because Madison was due on our anniversary. So as the days draw closer to September I think back on what life should be like now. I know that we would probably still take off a couple of days but those days would be filled with the laughter of our daughter. We would need a high chair at the restaurant instead of watching the waiter take it to another person's table. I think this year will be a lot less painful, but the dreams of what should be will still be in the back of my mind.

Moms make the world go 'round

My favorite work-time guilty pleasure besides watching anime online is hanging on the E board on weight watchers.com but the last couple of days have been too bombarded with Mom/Baby/Toddler/Kids posts. I log in today and the majority of the front page is about moms, bibs, post-partem exams, and etc. So I left. Just like yesterday or was it the day before when the whole board was babies and new moms getting preggo again. It's just too much to grit my teeth and smile about sometimes. So instead of being this huge dark cloud, I just leave. I kind of want to join the trying to conceieve thread again, but why get my hopes up. It's already on my mind most days of the week so adding a daily written reminder would probably not be a good thing. It just sucks because that board used to be one of the funniest and interesting places to visit, but now it's just a huge baby center. It just seems like normal life and events has been replaced with mama drama all day long.
It's utterly frustrating to not have anywhere to interact with people like you used to. Why can't life just be simple once in a while?

My Sundae Sunday

Today was our church's annual Make Your Own Sundae Sunday, and like always the band helps serve the ice cream after the 11 AM service. It's always fun getting to see everyone and just have fun. We usually have a large turnout for this event. I usually don't see that many people on Sundays because I get to church an hour before the service to make sure that everything is up and running for the overheads and make sure that my lyrics are right. And by the time I get done with my after the service duties most people have gone home. I like being in the balcony because the view is great, but I do miss the way my old computer booth was out in the congregation with everyone. So I really love after church fellowship programs. I love my church. There's is always something going on for everyone. Well, I've got to run. I'm going to the orientation for the next session of First Place Weight Loss at my church. I think it will be just what I need, a bible centered approach at losing weight. I think it's funny we just had ice cream sundaes and now it's time to lose weight! I'll post about it later.

Dirty South Kunoichi

I found this cool site with hundreds of faces, clothes, items, and backgrounds that you can put together for free to make the coolest animated avatars or 3D I.D. I just had to make myself as a sword-wielding kunoichi or female ninja. I figured it was time for me to have a little silly fun this week.

Primal Instincts or Dumb luck?

I think that getting pregnant and having a baby is a very cave people/ primal thing for so many women. It takes no thought or brain function at all. They get pregnant, have no problems, have a baby, and then have no idea what the hell to do with it. They say stupid shit like "I don't get it. My baby keeps trying to pick up anything he gets his hands on." Well, no duh that's what kids do! Hell at least animals like cats and dogs instinctively know what to do with a baby. Then there are those of us who work our asses off to get a child only for it to blow up in our faces over and over. Isn't that just peachy fucking keen.

What it will be like

This morning at church I was listening to the band playing "I Can Only Imagine" and just half wondering and half daydreaming. I wonder will Maddie still be a baby when I see her again or will she be all grown up. I wonder what I will be like when I get to heaven. I have this dream that I'm walking through the gates of heaven when I see the most beautiful thing in my life. Jesus is smiling at me with Sherina standing next to him holding Madison. And Maddie is smiling at me with these big gray eyes. And the next thing I know I'm holding my baby again and it feels so good. It's like no time has passed since we said goodbye. I wonder a lot of things. Will I be an old lady or the young mother that she had to leave behind? Will I get a chance to do all the things I so what to do like hold her and rock her and sing her to sleep? Will she still have the little soft wispy light brown curls that she was born with? I can still feel her little head in my hands sometimes. Her hair was so soft and pretty long for only being 24 weeks along. She would have had a head full of curls. She had lots of little ringlets on the top of her head. I wish someone had kept some for me. I've had a couple of dreams about me walking in a beautiful field holding Madison in my arms or holding her little hand as she walked by my side. I love dreaming about her. If I can't be with her right now at least I can have her in my dreams.

Naruto Hundo

So far I've watched 22 1/2 hours of Naruto in the past day and a half, and I'm still loving it. Robert and I took off work yesterday and starting watching at 5 AM. I'm completely in love with this series and even though I've seen almost all of the episodes I still have to watch them again. I'm months and months ahead of the English episodes that come on Cartoon Network because I watch the Japanese episodes with subtitles online. But there were about 3 episodes that I missed while I was in the hospital and a couple of weeks after Madison passed away, and I'm the type of person to watch things I like again and again. So this weekend will probably be the most "unproductive" weekend I've had in a long time. Because there are about 28 more hours of episodes left that will play over the next 2 days, and I only plan to miss 2 hours tomorrow when we go to church. I don't really care if anyone thinks this is pathetic for 2 grown people to spend 3 days doing nothing but watching an anime. I think it's healthy to do something just fun and lazy sometimes. So it's time for me to get back to my green tea and quality TV time. Talk to ya later.

Doctor's Visit

I had my 1st visit with the nephrologist or the kidney specialist that my OB/GYN referred me to a couple of weeks ago. We needed to find out if there was some underlying reason why my blood pressure doesn't stay leveled even though I'm on 3 medications and huge dosages of them. After waiting in the waiting room for almost 2 hours, I finally got to go in to do blood work and the usual wee in a cup. It was a welcome change from dozing off every 5 minutes in a slippery leather chair. I finally saw the doctor after being there for 2 1/2 hours. He went through the usual:

Lose weight
Exercise
Low sodium diet

No duh! I've heard this song and dance too many times to count.

Then he starting going over my meds and dosages. He decided to take me off my Benicar since I plan to have more children and he feels that anyone that can possibly get pregnant should not be on it at all. He took me off of my Methldopa and the irritating 4 times a day dosage schedule. Yay!!! He put me on a new drug that I will take at bedtime and he upped my dosage of Labetalol. The new drug is good for now and throughout any pregnancy. So now I don't have to drop meds as soon as I get pregnant again. I can keep my body on what it's used to. So now I only take pills in the morning and at bedtime. I'm excited and I pray that this works. This will be much easier for me to keep my dosages on time and not miss any.

I had a horrible migraine that started while I was waiting at the doctors and just got worse as the day went on. I ended up staying in the dark in bed all night once I got home from work. It was gone this morning thankfully and hopefully won't come back.

Returned due to Defects

I asked Rob for a divorce for the 4th or 5th time since Maddie died. And like always he said no. I just feel so fucking defective. Yesterday my period shows up almost a week early. WTF?!!! I can't even have a normal cycle now. I just feel like why would he want to stay with a defective woman. I think Maddie was a fluke. That's why I was sick as a dog from 7 weeks until 20 weeks. And as soon as that went away my blood pressure went haywire. I just feel like I was never supposed to get as far as I did with Madison that's why I haven't been able to get pregnant and stay pregnant since then. What the hell is wrong with my body that I can't do something that so many other women do like it's nothing? And since it hasn't been a year of trying without a pregnancy I get to suffer for another 7 months before a doctor will start any type of testing or treatments. Great. I will have lost my fucking mind by then. So that's why I feel I should be returned to the used and broken pile and if my husband wants any chance at a child that's more than a memory he should move on. But he's stubborn and won't. He loves me too much, and that's good for me. His optimism that we will have another child is all that I have some days.

What do I have to look forward to?

I hear this all day long and everyday someone tells one of the new moms "Just you wait. He will be doing this or that before you know it." I laugh at the joke if I'm in the conversation, but if I'm sitting alone at my desk I want to cry. I don't have those simple joys to look forward to anymore. I'll never see Madison crawl or take a step. She'll never call my name. I'll never be able to change her diaper or feed her. I don't have anything except a c-section scar, a broken heart and memory box. My new doctor says I should lose a lot of weight before we try again. And we were going to follow that, but I can't. I have to have some control over my life. I'm sick and tired of doctors telling me what I can and can't do. I listened and what did it get me. So that's over. I will be the master of my own destiny. I will stay on weight watchers while we start trying for another baby. I will not put my life on hold in hopes of losing some pounds. Because you know what no one can guarantee me that even if I got to my goal weight that I want get Preeclampsia again. No one can guarantee me that I won't go home from the hospital with an empty belly and empty arms. I know lots of skinny, healthy BMI girls that babies are angels just like mine. And I know lots of big, beautiful women that have their healthy babies at home with them. So come what may, I'm putting it all in God's hands. And let His will be done.

Memory Quilt

We finished the quilt square that I volunteered to make for the Preeclampsia Foundation's fund raising event in October. The memory quilt is going to be made and auctioned off at this year's Saving Grace Event. The queen size quilt will be made up of 42 - 12 inch squares. It is a special way to remember and honor the Moms and angels who have been lost to PE as well as those who are survivors of PE. Saving Grace is the Preeclampsia Foundation's national fund raising event to help fund research and education. And since I won't be able to travel to Boston this year for the event I had to make sure to do my part to help.

The square is made up of:

6 stars for each month she lived inside of me and she will always be the light of our lives
Ladybugs because that was one of her first nicknames
Her statistics
1 Monarch butterfly because everytime I see one I think of her

I miss you so much

Homesick by MercyMe

Chorus 1
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is
Then I'm out of place
Lord won't You give me strength
To make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Verse 1
You're in a better place
I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times
I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken
The reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

Verse 2
Help me Lord
'Cause I don't understand Your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But even if You showed me
The hurt would be the same
'Cause I'm still here
So far away from home

Misc 1
(BRIDGE)
In Christ
There are no goodbyes
And in Christ
There is no end
So I'll hold on to Jesus
With all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

Chorus 2
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is
Then I'm out of place
Lord won't You give me strength
To make it through somehow
Won't You give me strength
To make it through somehow
Won't You give me strength
To make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Guess What?

The scale finally started moving in the downward direction. I'm down 7 pounds from last week. Maybe it's the Fuze drinks in combination with trying to actually eat better. Maybe sweating like a pig last night helping Robert work in our yard helped. I was shocked, but this will just help me keep my eyes on the prize. One step closer to being healthier! Once I'm down like 50 pounds I might actually admit my starting weight, but not right now.

We did some shopping this weekend since it was our state's no tax weekend. But not really because the only tax you didn't have to pay was state taxes. We still had to pay city and parish taxes, but hey the 4% off helped. We returned a ceiling fan to Home Depot and got another one to put in the nursery. So now we can get more of the renovations done. It's kind of hard to work in a room with no light. We also picked up some house stuff like an additional fan for our bedroom. It's freaking hot in there sometimes. I finally went by Tuesday Mornings and I love it!!! I got 2 Calphalon baking sheets for $20.00, a great wine bottle opener, and some other cooking things for great prices. I also got a beginners knitting set that has a hat and baby booties for a couple of bucks. It's never too early to plan.

I'm sick and tired

*** Warning This is NOT Censored****

If I read one more story about someone having another kid like it's nothing. If I have to listen to one more stupid conversation between my co-workers about babies. If I see one more thread on the message board about breast feeding moms or new moms or bellybeans or formula feeding moms I will puke. If I see another big fat preggo I'm going to fucking lose my mind. It's like the world is a huge shining example of how big a fucking loser and failure I am. I would be in the so small percentage of people that lose their baby to pre-eclampsia. Only 5-8% of pregnancies are affected by this disease and an even smaller amount actually lose their child. I made it past the miscarriage stage. She was growing great. I was almost to my 3rd trimester and then it all went to shit. What the hell? Why am I such a freak? Most people don't even treat me like I've had a child. It's like she never was to most people. I don't give a fuck if it makes you uncomfortable to talk of the taboo dead baby, but no shit Sherlock it happens. How the hell do you think I feel when you don't acknowledge the one person in my life that never did anything but love me? I have her pictures on my desk at work. Only one person has ever asked me about the pictures. I have so much hurt and anger inside of me for the way people I though were my friends treated me when she died. They never said I'm sorry or anything like that. They just sent me a get well card. They never mentioned her again. It's like she vanished into nothingness. I tried to reach out to them because I thought maybe they were afraid of hurting me. I sent them a link to Madison's memorial page and do you think they ever said a word. Only one person replied and told me it was nice. Everyone else acted like they never got an email from me. So after that I gave up, but I'll never forget. Most of these people have children of their own, and how would they feel if they were in my shoes. Would they want people to cast aside their child? Should I treat her like they did in the old days and just move on and have one to replace her? Never speak her name again. Destroy everything that has something to do with her. I will never ever get over the lose of my daughter. I will never forget her. She is irreplacable. She was and always will be my firstborn.

I will scream it from the highest mountain:

Madison Sherina Renee lived and will always be my daughter!!!!

I did not die young,

I lived the span of my life within your body,

And within your love.

If you would honour me,

Then speak my name and number me amongst your family.

If you would honour me,

Then strive to live in love,

For in that love I live.

Never ever doubt that we will meet again,

And until that day I will grow in Heaven and wait for you.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow,

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight.

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room,

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there, I do not die.

By: Mary Elizabeth Frye

Feeling like Sludge

I went to bed or at least I took a long nap when I got home from work yesterday. That was nice, but I woke up at 9 and I was starving. So we ended up eating some fast food junk and my stomach didn't appreciate that at all. So I was queasy for the rest of the night and woke up feeling like crap. So I'm sitting here at my desk trying to figure out what the hell is going on with one of my tariff filings and my stomach is a mess. Ughhhh. I'll have a Fuze drink for breakfast just for today because I don't want any food right now and have a nice Lean Cuisine Panini for lunch.

I'm thinking of signing up for Weight Watchers again in hopes that paying for it will help motivate me to stay OP. I did so well the last time I was actually a paying member by losing 50 pounds, but since then I've gained almost all of it back. I know that I will feel better once I start losing weight again, but I've always been one to eat based on my moods. And being depressed means that I eat junk and a lot of it. Food is for living not a crutch or a way to make yourself feel better. I want to get back to my wedding weight and then I want to get below it. I want to feel good again. I just don't have the same drive or motivation that I used to have. I'm in a slump that I know I have to get myself out of fast.

I've been looking for another half marathon near by me to sign up for to motivate me to get off my lazy ass again. I'm thinking of signing up for the Dallas Running Club Half Marathon on Nov. 4. My brother lives in Plano so I could stay with him that weekend and do the race that Sunday morning. Sounds like a plan to me.

Visiting the sick

Robert and I took off work yesterday to spend the day with his dad in the hospital. He just had back surgery on Monday. The hospital he's in is like 1 1/2 away so it was a nice drive for us to just talk. His dad is doing good, but damn can that man talk. I took my Harry Potter book to read and everytime it got really good he'd brake my train of thought with some stupid story. How many times does he think I want to hear about a fishing story from 15 years ago!!!!! Thank God my BFF Kelley was off work yesterday. She rescued me and we had a good time just out and about in town. We went to Cheeburger Cheeburger, and it was great! Bad, bad, bad Weight Watchers girl :) Their hamburgers, onion rings, and peppermint cookie shake was so yummy! I will have to go again with Robert soon. Then we did some shopping on the Boardwalk. I got a new shade of my favorite lip gloss, Buxom by Bare Minerals. It's called Brandy, and it's a sexy wine shade. Love it!!! I love Kelley's new car, a Mazda CX-7. It's tricked out with all the tech and luxury features too. I'll do a happy dance once I can get rid of my Grand Am. We spend about 5 hours out, but I came back to the hospital early since I knew Rob was hungry and waiting for me to bring some food.

We stayed with his dad until about 10 and then made the drive back home. The last 2 hours there were rough because his pain meds had worn off and he was hella bitchy! He griped out every nurse, tech, and assistant that came in there. By the time we got home it was after midnight and I was like a zombie. Rob let the dogs in and fed them and we crashed because 6:30 comes quickly. So today I had a nice big bottle of Fuze Slinderize Fruit Punch flavor and I'll be going to be nice and early when I get off work.