Sunday, November 18, 2007

Due Date

I should be taking care of a new born baby right now. Today was the due date for baby #2 that stayed with us for 7 weeks. That whole thing caught me off guard. I was preparing myself for horrible debilitating all day sickness like I had with Madison. And I was getting ready to start going to the perinatologists to start seeing my high risk team. I was preparing for the real work. I didn't think I wouldn't make it out of my 1st trimester. I was naive even after everything that had happened with Maddie. I was so sick for my first 20 weeks with Maddie that every time I went to the doctor I was afraid to have an ultrasound. I was afraid she wasn't going to make it. I lost 20 pounds during that 20 weeks. I went to the hospital 2 times for IV fluids because I couldn't even keep water down. But she was always so strong and made it through it all with no problem. She was even bigger than expected for her gestation.

So when I finally got pregnant again in March I thought the battle wouldn't start until 20 weeks or so. Boy was I wrong. One morning I get up from my desk to go to the bathroom and I found dark red blood. I freaked out. I knew in my heart that I was losing this baby. I just knew it. I'm not a spotter or a bleeder so I knew this wasn't good. My doc saw me about 2 hours later and couldn't find anything on my ultrasound so she sent me to the major ultrasound area to be checked out by a better machine. But I knew it was a waste of time. I knew the end was near. I don't even really remember much of anything about that 2nd ultrasound. I didn't even look. I didn't want to see the empty blackness. I didn't want to see that part of me that was betraying me once again.

Rob brought me home from that appointment in silence. I had already started spiraling out of control. While sitting in the hallway waiting to have my blood work done, I gave him my rings back. I wanted it to all be over. I was a failure. I can't provide him with living children so why would he want to be married to me. I looked at him in the eyes when I gave them back, but I wasn't really looking at him. I was looking through him and only seeing the hate for myself. I got out of the car at home and went immediately to the empty nursery. I grabbed all of the baby clothes and my maternity clothes and tried to set them on fire. I didn't want to see anything that reminded me of my failures. In my mind those things were things that would never be used by my babies. And I sure as hell wasn't going to have someone else using them.

Rob stopped me from torching everything and from probably burning down our house. I was in a rage and I wanted to hurt someone anyone. I needed someone to hurt instead of me. Why was I always the one hurting while others are living a happy perfect life? That was 7 months ago and I still think about that day. I still compare my life today to how my life should be. I look around the living room floor that should be covered in toys. I look in the backseat of my car that should have a car seat in it now. I wake up to the sound of barking dogs at 3 a.m. instead of the sound of my baby crying for me. I listen to others talking about the wonderful things their child is doing, and my heart breaks once more. I wonder if I'll ever be able to raise a child of my own that is either born from my body or born in my heart.


mesa said...

Ashley, this breaks my heart all over again for you sweetie. I'm so sorry. (((((HUGE HUGS)))))

Rachel said...

I am so sorry for your losses. I am sorry for this hard day (a couple days late).

Birdies Mama said...

I am so heartbroken for you sweetheart...I am so sorry, so very sorry.