Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Returned due to Defects

I asked Rob for a divorce for the 4th or 5th time since Maddie died. And like always he said no. I just feel so fucking defective. Yesterday my period shows up almost a week early. WTF?!!! I can't even have a normal cycle now. I just feel like why would he want to stay with a defective woman. I think Maddie was a fluke. That's why I was sick as a dog from 7 weeks until 20 weeks. And as soon as that went away my blood pressure went haywire. I just feel like I was never supposed to get as far as I did with Madison that's why I haven't been able to get pregnant and stay pregnant since then. What the hell is wrong with my body that I can't do something that so many other women do like it's nothing? And since it hasn't been a year of trying without a pregnancy I get to suffer for another 7 months before a doctor will start any type of testing or treatments. Great. I will have lost my fucking mind by then. So that's why I feel I should be returned to the used and broken pile and if my husband wants any chance at a child that's more than a memory he should move on. But he's stubborn and won't. He loves me too much, and that's good for me. His optimism that we will have another child is all that I have some days.

2 comments:

mesa said...

Ashley- I know it's hard not to feel guilt for what happened but you can not blame it on yourself. You would have done anything you could to have your beautiful daughter here with you today. Please don't be hard on yourself. God has a plan for us and you have to trust that. Robert is an amazing strength for you. Bless him. You are an amazing strength to me. You are such a blessing as a friend. Thank you- love you!xoxo

pattyo said...

You
are
not
defective.

Not now, not then, not ever. You've had losses that would destroy other people. But you're not defective.

How did the meeting w/the doctor go?

God bless Robert for knowing you don't mean the things you say when you're hurting. I love you. xoxoxo