Friday, August 3, 2007

I'm sick and tired

*** Warning This is NOT Censored****

If I read one more story about someone having another kid like it's nothing. If I have to listen to one more stupid conversation between my co-workers about babies. If I see one more thread on the message board about breast feeding moms or new moms or bellybeans or formula feeding moms I will puke. If I see another big fat preggo I'm going to fucking lose my mind. It's like the world is a huge shining example of how big a fucking loser and failure I am. I would be in the so small percentage of people that lose their baby to pre-eclampsia. Only 5-8% of pregnancies are affected by this disease and an even smaller amount actually lose their child. I made it past the miscarriage stage. She was growing great. I was almost to my 3rd trimester and then it all went to shit. What the hell? Why am I such a freak? Most people don't even treat me like I've had a child. It's like she never was to most people. I don't give a fuck if it makes you uncomfortable to talk of the taboo dead baby, but no shit Sherlock it happens. How the hell do you think I feel when you don't acknowledge the one person in my life that never did anything but love me? I have her pictures on my desk at work. Only one person has ever asked me about the pictures. I have so much hurt and anger inside of me for the way people I though were my friends treated me when she died. They never said I'm sorry or anything like that. They just sent me a get well card. They never mentioned her again. It's like she vanished into nothingness. I tried to reach out to them because I thought maybe they were afraid of hurting me. I sent them a link to Madison's memorial page and do you think they ever said a word. Only one person replied and told me it was nice. Everyone else acted like they never got an email from me. So after that I gave up, but I'll never forget. Most of these people have children of their own, and how would they feel if they were in my shoes. Would they want people to cast aside their child? Should I treat her like they did in the old days and just move on and have one to replace her? Never speak her name again. Destroy everything that has something to do with her. I will never ever get over the lose of my daughter. I will never forget her. She is irreplacable. She was and always will be my firstborn.

I will scream it from the highest mountain:

Madison Sherina Renee lived and will always be my daughter!!!!

I did not die young,

I lived the span of my life within your body,

And within your love.

If you would honour me,

Then speak my name and number me amongst your family.

If you would honour me,

Then strive to live in love,

For in that love I live.

Never ever doubt that we will meet again,

And until that day I will grow in Heaven and wait for you.


Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.


I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow,

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.


I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight.

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room,

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.


Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there, I do not die.

By: Mary Elizabeth Frye

3 comments:

mesa said...

Ashley-
I love you girl, and I know how much your daughter means to you. Yes, I know it probably took me understanding by losing my own daughter who was perfect, just as Maddie was. We can't expect anyone else to understand how close a bond we have with our babies that will always be with us in our hearts. It is hard for people not to understand though and it is right for us to feel this way. You will always be close to my heart and you will always have my prayers. Our daughters will always have eachother- and one day we will both hold them again. Sending you much love ♥

pattyo said...

Ashley,

You and I were about a month apart in our pregnancies. You found out you were pregnant on Christmas, I found out on Thanksgiving. When you lost Madison, I was devastated - she was as real as my boys are.

I know how blessed I am. Every day. You're on my mind, sweetheart - and I am so sorry people are so insensitive.

pattyo said...

And now I'm afraid I sounded like an insensitive asshole too, FUCK!

Anyway, I forgot the most important part - you are NOT a freak. You are the farthest thing from it. You are a woman who suffered a horrible loss.