Thursday, August 9, 2007

What do I have to look forward to?

I hear this all day long and everyday someone tells one of the new moms "Just you wait. He will be doing this or that before you know it." I laugh at the joke if I'm in the conversation, but if I'm sitting alone at my desk I want to cry. I don't have those simple joys to look forward to anymore. I'll never see Madison crawl or take a step. She'll never call my name. I'll never be able to change her diaper or feed her. I don't have anything except a c-section scar, a broken heart and memory box. My new doctor says I should lose a lot of weight before we try again. And we were going to follow that, but I can't. I have to have some control over my life. I'm sick and tired of doctors telling me what I can and can't do. I listened and what did it get me. So that's over. I will be the master of my own destiny. I will stay on weight watchers while we start trying for another baby. I will not put my life on hold in hopes of losing some pounds. Because you know what no one can guarantee me that even if I got to my goal weight that I want get Preeclampsia again. No one can guarantee me that I won't go home from the hospital with an empty belly and empty arms. I know lots of skinny, healthy BMI girls that babies are angels just like mine. And I know lots of big, beautiful women that have their healthy babies at home with them. So come what may, I'm putting it all in God's hands. And let His will be done.

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