Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Back to my therapy

Every time I hear "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting
Crowns I have to stop and just listen to the words.
I have to just let the music take over my mind.
Sometimes it soothes me, sometimes I cry, sometimes
I just smile. This song means so much to me. It
helped me heal. It brought me out of the darkest
pits of hate, anger, and despair. After
Madison died I decided that I was done with God.
He had his chance to redeem himself after
taking away my sister, and he had failed miserably.
What the hell had I done to deserve this living
nightmare? I was no saint, but I was a good
and faithful Christian. I went out into the world
and spread his word. I volunteered and helped
the needy. I spent tons of my free time working
to make sure our Sunday services were meaningful
and beautiful.
And this is how he shows me his love by stealing
my baby as I lay near death in a hospital bed.
I kept most of my feelings to myself.
Especially to most of my visitors because they
were my friends from church. I didn't breathe a word of my anger.
I didn't tell anyone that I was planning on
quiting my church and the God that
had hurt me so much.

But one night on the way home from grabbing some
McDonald's I felt the urge to pop in
a CD. The one I found in the darkness was
Casting Crowns. The next thing I knew that
song was filling my car, my head, and my
broken heart. I began to cry and beg God for
his forgiveness for blaming him and for being
angry at him. Little did I know, but that
night my heart started to mend. I went back to
church that week, and I've been there
ever since. I asked a good friend to learn this
song for me and sing it one Sunday. It
was only fitting since he sang at my wedding
that he should sing this song for my baby
and me. It's not an easy song to sing vocally
nor emotionally. But he did it and I'm still
thankful for it to this day. It was therapeutic
to put the overhead slide show
together for it. I tried to convey all the
emotions and sadness that I had been
feeling into pictures. I remember my pastor Weldon
telling me 2 years ago as I sat in his
his office crying about my sister being brain dead
that "It's OK to get angry with God.He understands
that. But the problem comes when we stay angry with God."

I was sure by now That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper
through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands
and praise the God who gives
and takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

Every tear I’ve cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side

And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper
through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands
and praise the God who gives
and takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Casting Crowns
2005 Word Music, LLC


mesa said...

Ashley- I love love love this song! It's awesome! I definately had one way or the other to go after we lost Ella and I chose the church and am so so greatful. Our faith has taken a turn tremendously. I still find myself asking "why" when I'm sad but I know and believe we will hold and see our darling little girls again one day. I believe it with all my heart.♥

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niobe said...

This is an inspiring story of faith. So many people, including me, have trouble returning to their faith after a tragedy like the death of a baby. I am so glad that you've found a song that brings some measure of peace and healing.

Angel Mom said...

That picture brought tears to my eyes. I can just imagine entering Heaven and Jesus standing there with S in His arms. Beautiful.