Sunday, October 5, 2008

Missing Pieces

I'm sitting here listening to a group of people talk about being pregnant and having more kids. They talk about how wonderful being pregnant is until your last month when you're so tired and big. They gush over how the newest preggo is belly is showing. They ask her if her little boy is getting excited about being a big brother. My kids will never know their big sister, my niece that is due to born in January will never know her cousin, Madison. No matter how many kids I have there will always be a missing piece of my heart and of my life. I don't think the pain ever truly goes away. You just learn to live with it better and better, but sometimes the pain is as raw as it was in the beginning. My eyes have started to blur as I try to hold back the tears. I hate to cry at work.

*I started this post a couple of days ago and just never finished it.

I have a baby at home with me right now that needs me, but I still can't help the fact that I'm still not fulfilled. I need to get pregnant again and we both need to make it this time. I think in my heart I will always fill incomplete until I conquer my body. I guess that sounds weird to be at war with your own body, but I am. My body is what betrayed me 2 years ago.
A part of me wants to show the world and mainly my evil, evil godmother that I am not a fat failure. I don't have to be 150 pounds to have a healthy baby. I can still hear her voice in the back of my head saying that if I wasn't so fat this wouldn't have happened. It's like the classroom scene from A Christmas Story where Ralphie's teacher dressed as an evil witch and his mom dressed as a jester are taunting him over and over "You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out!" and laughing in his face about the one thing in the world he wants more than anything. I've tried for years to silence the voice in the back of my head. I haven't spoken to my godmother since that day in the hospital. But yet her voice is still there mocking my loss, mocking me, taunting me. I will prove that witch wrong one day... I will give birth to my little earth angel.


mesa said...

I pray somehow and some way you will find your peace Ashley. No matter what you are a wonderful mother.

Brandy said...

awww Ashley... your future children WILL know Madison through their Mommy & Daddy.

Your godmother does sound could someone say something like that?

Patty said...

I cannot BELIEVE that stupid evil snatchrag said that to you. I'll see her in hell.