Adoption Frustrations

I'm not sure if I should be fuming mad or not. I finally got one of the social workers from the agency we want to use to call me back. She tells me that she remembered reading our interest letter, but they don't know what happened to it. They've also lost our application/survey. WTH!!! I mailed it all back to them at the beginning of December. I didn't call about it because my co-worker that used them for her adoption said that they wouldn't get anything done during the holidays. And also they were going through a lot since their main adoption person was retiring. So I gave them more time. I started calling a couple of weeks ago, but I would never get a call back. The receptionist always said that she would find our file and have some call us. Finally today I get a call back. Well, now I see why we never got a call back!!!!! Ughhhh!!!!!! The social worker I talked to seems very nice and apologized several times. She asked if we would re-send our letter to them. And she is mailing us another application today to fill out. I just don't know if I should keep trying with them. They seem so unorganized right now. Why can't anything ever be simple?

My new baby

I'm finally free of the horror which was my lemon of a car also known as the Grand Am from Hell. I've hated that thing since about 6 months after I got it. It had brake problems all the time. It was in the shop 18 times in about a year and half. It really pissed me off since I bought that car brand new with 10 miles on it. But since it was under warrenty I was stuck taking it to a GM shop, and there is only 1 that specializes in Pontiac vehicles in my area. I ended up filing a lawsuit through my state's lemon laws against GM because they could never get the brakes fixed in a way that would stay fixed. Usually they would fix the brakes and they would be back to sounding horrible in a couple of days. When I got that car my brother, who's a auto loan officer, told me not to. But I was hardheaded. I wanted that car because I had been in love with them since high school. I should have listened. So this time I called him first after I started looking at cars. I consulted him on everything, and I ended up with a great deal on a great car. I bought a 2008 Chevy Equinox last Thursday. I just love it. It's got plenty of room for little ones and we can haul things if we need to. I love the way it drives even though I'm still getting used to parking a larger vehicle. I haven't taken any pictures of mine yet, but this one looks just like it.

I got "tagged"

I guess this is the online equivalent to Duck, Duck, Goose. My friend, Mesa, tagged me on her blog so I guess I'm "It" now. I've really gotten to know Mesa much better over the past year. Our daughters play in the clouds together on a regular basis :)

The Rules: Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
Then: Share 5 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
or Share the 5 top places on your “want to see or want to see again” list.
or Share 5 things you never pictured being in your future when your were 25 years old.

I'm not even sure which one to pick. But I guess I'll go with 5 things you never pictured being in your future when your were 25 years old.

1. Being happily married to "Cuffs".
Robert and I went to school together since junior high. We knew each other and that's about it. I was Miss School Spirit and he was Most Likely to Blow Up the School. He used to be a very short, chunky nerd that wore jeans that were way too long for him. So he had these huge, I mean like 3-4 inch tall cuffs on his pants. It was hilarious. But thankfully he grew taller and started buying pants in the right length.

2. Working for a company that I like.
I had been working for Chase for 5 years and I felt like I was going to trapped there forever. I couldn't get another decent paying job in my town to save my life. But finally I got hired at CenturyTel and I've been here ever since.

3. Proud mama to an angel
I always thought it was easy to get pregnant and have a baby. The getting pregnant with Madison was easy, but she was only meant to stay with us for a little while. But I wouldn't trade those 6 months for anything in the world.

4. Still living in Monroe
I always planned to move away as soon as I graduated college. I wanted to leave the small country town for the bright lights of a cool city like Dallas or Atlanta. But things didn't work out that way. And I'm glad I stayed because I didn't meet Robert again until I was 24 which was 2 years after I had planned to move away.

5. Home body
Ever since I could drive I've loved being on the road. I've never liked just being at home. I was always partying at someone's house or just cruising all night long. But now I like just coming home and plopping down on my couch for some TV or to play my Wii.

I'm supposed to tag another blogger so I guess I'll pass the fun on to my favorite intellectual , deep thinker, Niobe.

Freaky Cool

Robert sent me a link to this video. You just have to watch it. It's really amazing.

28

Today is the day I've been looking forward to and dreading at the same time. It's actually been a good day. I was shocked to find a cake sitting on my desk when I got to work from my boss. And my friend gave me a pretty plaque with an angel on it with a verse about faith. Everyone was telling me Happy Birthday all day. I didn't do much in the way of work today which was a bonus even though tomorrow will suck! But hey it's my birthday. Robert surprised me at work with a bouquet of flowers and balloon when he got off work. He even bought me my favorite cake, a tuxedo cake. It's basically a layer of fudge cake topped with layers of deep chocolate cheesecake and creamy mascarpone mousse. Finished with swirls of white and dark chocolate ganache. I absolutely love it!!!! I'm at band practice right now, and afterwards we will go eat Chinese since it's free on your birthday. We're saving our nice dinner out for tomorrow when we go see Meet the Spartans. I can't wait to see that movie. I've been LMAO for weeks at the commercials so I hope it's good.

I finally called the Children's Home to see what our next step was in the adoption process since we hadn't heard anything in weeks since I mailed back the application. I got someone on the phone that sounded confused, but she took my name and number to have the social worker call me back to discuss what our next steps are. I'll give them until Monday to call me back before I call them again. I really want to work with them since they are local and I don't have many options for local agencies. I've heard such good things about them. I just hope this slip up is because they are going through a transition from the person that handled the adoptions for 30 years to a new person taking over. I do have a back up agency that's national that we will contact if the local one doesn't get it's act together. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we will be able to stick with the local group.

I'll be 28 years old in less than 2 days, and I'm just thinking about my life in general. I'm not really sure what I want to say or how exactly to say it. I'm another year older, but am I any wiser or am I just as bitter as I was last year? It's still just Rob and I in the house. I'm still working my same thankless job and I'm still in debt. I'm still fat. Yeah, not much has changed in those categories. But I do have some good things that happened in this last year. I have made new friends. I've used what I've learned during my grieving to help others. I walked a half marathon in 3 hours and 47 minutes. I've strengthened my relationship with God. I started this blog that people actually read sometimes. I've gotten closer to my big brother. And I have an even stronger marriage. All in all I guess 27 wasn't a bad year. But Lord, please make 28 my best year yet.

The Wedding

I'm back from the cold, cold state of Illinois. Well, I've been back for a week now, but I've been trying to get back in the swing of things and get my world back in order. We left Monroe early in the morning on Thursday, January 10, and thanks to my Magellan Maestro GPS we made great time. It took us 9 hours to get there instead of the 9 1/2 to 10 hours that was expected. I was exhausted since I stayed up most of the night getting our stuff together so that Rob could sleep since he was driving. We checked in our hotel and I got to lay down for about 30 minutes before our room was full of people. And then it was back on the road for wedding rehearsal and decorating the church until about 9 that night. The rehearsal was quick, but the decorating was long and frustrating. Too many people trying to be the boss with no direction. So were going around and around trying to figure out how to set things up. I called it an early night and had Rob drop me off at the hotel while he went out with his sister and her husband. I ordered some dinner for delivery and crashed soon after.

All of girls in the wedding got together that next morning to get our hair styled. I liked the back of my hair, but the front left something to be desired. But hey I didn't have many options for an up-do since my hair is short. Here's a pic of the back.

We spent most of the day either in the salon or at the church getting last minuet things together. And keeping Theresa in one piece and sane. The ceremony was simple and beautiful. I did good not to cry because Theresa and Matt are so in love. I'm really happy to have him as a brother-in-law now because he's a great guy.


Theresa just glowed despite all the crap that had been going on in the days leading up to the wedding. We're not even going to go there because that's just too long and drawn out to explain. Let's just say crazy and vindictive family members make me want to bitch slap them. But I can't because it would be wrong to slap your husband's grandmother.

The reception was fun. There was lots of dancing and laughing and great food. We even got Rob out on the floor a couple of times. I was exhausted when it was all over. My feet and back ached like hell.

Rob & I outside of Matt's parent's house

The next day we met up at Matt's parents' house to watch the newlyweds open their gifts and have lunch. We spent the rest of the day with Matt and Theresa just having fun with the occasional run in with the crazies. We went to St. Louis to go to the zoo or the science museum, but both of them were closed or getting ready to close by the time we got there. So we just stopped in at a sports bar for dinner. The first waiter we got took about 20-30 minutes to even come get our drink orders and give us menus. This is after we got talked to the hostess about it and requested to talk with the manager. When the waiter showed up he acted like we were bothering him by coming to eat there. Asshole! The manager was a great guy though. He took our table and tried to make up for the lousy service we had gotten so far. After getting shitty service and talking with the manager we ended up with a free meal. But all in all the day was fun.

That Sunday we kind of poked along in St. Louis and went shopping. We visited the Union Station Mall and looked through their museum. This mall used to be an actual train station that has been renovated. It was full of beautiful stain glass windows and gilded figures. It was cool seeing all the old train items and memorabilia. I found a great Beatles store too. And I snagged a cool poster for my home office. Theresa and Matt didn't leave town for their honeymoon. They're planning a nice one later once they've saved up more money. They spent a couple of nights in a hotel a couple of towns over from us. So we got to spend a lot of time with them. Then on Sunday they moved to the same hotel we were in, right across the hall which was cool. After the mall, we came back and chilled out in the hotel hot tub. We also learned how many fat people it takes to make the hot tub over flow.

We ended up going to a little Chinese restaurant for dinner that was next door to where we were staying. At first it didn't look like it was going to be too good. It was deserted and actually looked like it was closed every time we passed by. But we were so wrong. The food was amazing!!!! It reminded me of the Chinese restaurant in A Christmas Story where they ended up with a table full of food. The service was great and we had tons of left overs. I had a stir fry dish that consisted of chicken, shrimp, scallops, crab, beef, mushrooms and huge chunks of tofu all cooked in a metal pot. It was so good. I wish we had a place like that around here.

Monday we left Illinois about 1:30 that afternoon and headed to an Indian restaurant for lunch before we headed home to LA. This was our first chance at Indian food so we were excited. This place did not disappoint. I had Chicken Vindaloo with a cinnamon rice. Yum Yum! I can't wait until we can have some again! The drive home was good too. We took our time and made some stops along the way. We got in about 12:30 that night. All in all we had a great trip.

I took a ton of pictures on the trip so here's a link to them if you want to look.

Wedding Pictures

I got my mom's letter yesterday, but I didn't read it until today. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought, but it wasn't that good either. She kept asking me what's the rush since we haven't been married that long. Robert and I have only been married for 2 years now, but what difference does that make. I must have missed the part in the vows were the preacher asked do we vow to wait X number of years to start a family. I must have been paying attention to something else during that part. She mentioned the whole money thing again, but I already knew that was coming. She just wants us to make sure that we are completely financially stable because kids are very expensive. But we already know that so moving on. One question she kept asking was "Have you given God time to answer your prayers?" My thing is how do you know when He's answered your prayers? Is is when you get what you want? What if you never get what you asked for, is that your answer? Is there a certain amount of time you should wait before you assume that you've gotten your answer? Do you just wait by the phone to see if it ever rings? Is it like waiting for a bus that may or may not ever come? It's not like I've ever gotten a burning bush or a visit from an angel telling me my answer. So how do I know? I think I just have to step out on faith, and pray for God's guidance. I've always gone back to the same scripture over and over: “Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

How do you know when your prayers have been answered?

It's not raining outside, but it is inside of my heart. I finally decided or got up the nerve to tell my parents that we're planning to adopt. I wrote them a letter and mailed it. It was the only way I knew I could get everything I wanted to say out of my mind and my heart. I know they got it a couple of days ago, and I hadn't heard anything about it. So I called this morning, and my mom tells me that she's mailing me a letter back with her response. She says she thinks it was a good idea to write a letter so she decided to do it too. She wants to make sure I know exactly what she thinks and I won't miss or forget anything since it will be right in front of me in black and white. After hearing this and the tone of her voice I know it's not good. So I changed the subject to our trip to Illinois next week. I mentioned that I was going to have my friend that has done my hair on and off for over a decade give me a perm this weekend instead of going to my usual salon. This way I can save some money since she doesn't charge me, and the salon would be about a $100. My mom then says "See. That's why I don't think you all should adopt. There are always unexpected expenses popping up." I know what she really meant is "I don't think you all can afford it. If you have to skip going to the salon to save extra money for a trip. Then you can't afford a baby." It pisses me off and it breaks my heart all the same time. Why does my mother want to see me in pain? Everyday that I go home and pass by that room that should be a nursery, a piece of me dies. Everyday that someone else gets pregnant or has a baby that I know, a little piece of me dies. She knows how much having a child means to me, but yet she shoots down our option. I know that having a biological child would probably be cheaper in the beginning, but they all cost the same once they're at home. We're not rich, but we're not destitute either. We're willing to make the sacrifices that need to be made to make our dreams come true. Would she rather I only keep trying to get pregnant? Hey maybe this time it will kill me or just handicap me from a stroke? Would you be happy then mama? We saved some money because we didn't adopt. So now the money that would have been spent on that will be spent to bury me or take care of me until I die. Is that what you fucking want? I hate that I even care what she thinks. I really fucking hate it.

Goodbye 2007

This year was not my worst year, but it was certainly not my best year. 2007 is the year that I lost another part of myself. It was full of disappointments, sorrow, and pain. It was a time for me to really get to know myself. I worked through some of the grief and anger from 2006. I tried my best to reach out to others in their time of hurt. I tried to make sure Madison's death was not in vain. But all in all I'm just glad to see it go. I'm looking forward to 2008. I have renewed hope that life will be so much better next year. I have lots of plans and goals to accomplish. I stopped making resolutions last year since no one ever keeps them. I like to set goals for myself instead. I hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed New Year.

Yesterday in church we said this prayer that really spoke to me. So I close the year of 2007 with a prayer:

Lord, there is a sense of finality in our coming together today. We are closing the book on one chapter and looking forward to another. Help us to look forward with awe because of the challenges that face us and with confidence because of the strength we find in you. Help us to look upon this hour you have given us as one more opportunity for worship and for promise.
Amen.

Congratulations!

My sister-in-law, O, and her fiance, A, were married today. We weren't able to be there, but I hope it was everything she always wanted. We wish you guys a lifetime of happiness. This is the blessing that Rob and I used for our wedding, and so I pass it on to you both.

If there is righteousness in the heart,
there will be beauty in the character.
If there is beauty in the character,
there will be harmony in the home.
If there is harmony in the home,
there will be order in the nation.
If there is order in the nation,
there will be peace in the world.
So let it be
—Scottish Blessing

Just passing time

I found a link to a site that makes these cool labels. I used to love using my mom's label maker when I was young. Everything in the house had a label. So I just had to try to out too. Thanks for the fun, Niobe.

My Christmas

I promised pictures of our stockings. I think they are so cute. I just love Maddie's stocking we got her last year.

I'm so tired, so very tired. I'm glad that this holiday is over. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but we were constantly going and going and going. Christmas eve started out ok until we got a call at 10 AM from Rob's dad asking why we weren't at the grandparents' house yet and when are we getting there. The problem with that was the fact that we discussed what we were doing Christmas eve on Saturday and none of the discussions included going over to the grandparents' house as a group. We were planning a late lunch with Rob's parents at their house so my schedule had been set up around that. We have been told time and time again that in order to not put too much stress on Grandma we would visit in smaller groups during the day so they could rest between visits. So here I am sitting in my pj's working on my overheads for the 3 Christmas eve services that evening, and here comes a call completely throwing my day into to chaos. We finally got over there at 2 something after I ran the errands I had to run because those places would be closed by the time I got out of church.

I had to go by CVS and pick up some pictures that I ordered online. Only to get there and those idiots weren't able to find them. They looked and looked, but couldn't figure out what happened to them. One girl kept saying that somepeople were having problems with the pictures not getting to the store even though they are supposed to be sent to the store's computer and automatically printed out. They could even pull up my order on their system and view the pictures, but couldn't find the damn things. They had me wait for over 20 minutes, and they finally found them the 1st place they looked. This was the 1st time I used CVS online picture center and it will be the last time. All in all we did have a nice visit and exchanged gifts, but I still hate being rushed! I make all these nice schedules and plans and people always throw a wrench in them.

I did luck out and only have to run 2 of the 3 services that night so we were able to spend more time with Rob's grandparents and uncle. I am glad that I got to run the traditional service because it was beautiful. One of our groups, The 2 Tenors, sang "O Holy Night" and they sounded amazing. That's one of my favorite Christmas songs so I was in bliss listening to them. Then I had a little break until the last service at 7 which was our contemporary service. The GAP band sounded great even though it was only 4 of them there that night. I just love those guys!
I thought ahead this year and ordered a small sandwich tray for Rob and I to have for dinner after church. We usually end up eating crap since most places close at 6 on Christmas eve, and we don't get out of church until after 8. So we did get a chance to just chill out that night, watch A Christmas Story, and wrap gifts which was relaxing after that day of running and aggravation.

Christmas day was much better. We slept until 9 then got up and cooked some cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I started watching A Christmas Story again which drove Rob crazy. He can't understand how I can watch it back to back to back for hours and hours. We opened our gifts to each other. I got a beautiful bracelet with "If tears can build a stairway, and memories a lane. I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again." engraved on it. I also got new pink headphones and pair of blue Naruto ninja shoes. I can't wait to wear them with a costume. I got Rob some squirrel stuff which he loves. And a couple of t-shirts with references to the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and D&D on them. The dogs got big chicken basted rawhide bones, and they LOVED them! Olaf followed me around all morning showing me his bone and just wagging his little stump of tail.

We had dinner with my family which was wonderful. The food was so good especially the portabella and cracked pepper pork loin I made :) We exchanged gifts, and got a lot of things we had been hoping for. I'm especially excited about the new George Foreman programmable grill my dad got us. Since we're back on the weight loss bandwagon this will come in very handy. We took our first family picture in years. I think it turned out pretty good.That evening we went to visit my dad's mom in the hospital. I haven't seen her since Christmas 2005. I never really intended on seeing her, but I couldn't really make up an excuses since I was already at my parents' house and they were going to see her. I've held a grudge since Maddie passed away simply because I never heard from her at all. No call, no card, no message through another family member. She was all hog wild over her other great-grandkids, but I feel like Madison didn't matter to her since she only lived a short while. My other complaint was that she didn't even call or ask about me. I almost died, but she didn't care enough to say anything. But I have to be the mature one and put that aside at least for one day. So it's done. I did it.

Rob and I went by his parents' house for a while and had some egg nog. But we made sure to get home in time to play some Wii before bedtime. So all in all my Christmas was pretty good. I'm glad that it's over because now I can look forward to 2008. I pray that it will be a much better year for us, and hopefully there will be 3 of us in our house for Christmas '08.

And the Christmas Spirit is Here

Finally I actually feel like it's the Christmas holidays. I'm excited to give Rob his gifts because some of them are so cool. I'm looking forward to Christmas Eve services at our church. I always love spending the night before Christmas getting myself in the right frame of mind. Today was our department's holiday goodie day, and it was great. Everyone participated and we had a huge variety of foods. I worked hard today to make sure that 2 of my states' promotions were in the mail to make my filing deadline despite being on vacation. But the day was still fun. I'm so happy to be off work until next Thursday!!!! I'll start working on my letter to Madison soon to put in her stocking. And we'll take her a little tree or a poinsettia out to her stone tomorrow to make sure our little munchin's place is beautiful like always. Other than that I'm not doing nuthin....nuthin! I love paid time off!

11:11

Have you ever heard of making a wish when the clock shows 11:11? I'd never heard of this until my BFF told me about it high school, and ever since then I've done it if I happen to look up and see the clock at 11:11. It's silly, but so what. I love dandelions. Just love, love, love them. Ever since I was little girl playing in my grandparents backyard, I've loved to pick them and close my eyes and make a wish. Then I'd blow and watch the seed scatter to the winds. I used to believe that I could change anything just by wishing it. I don't see them as much as I used to. I think we've had maybe 1 or 2 in our yard at the house since we've lived there. But as we get older and life knocks us down again and again we lose that childlike hope that we could change everything with a wish.

I made a wish today.

Wow!!! I'm gonna be rich!!!

I've always heard about the spam/scam emails people get about some rich foreigner needing your help to get their millions out of some country. And for your little bit of help they will give you a % of their funds. But today little ole' me got one of those emails. I'd like to share with everyone this wonderful message to me just in time for Christmas. I will never forget the little people that helped me make it this far. I'm in the money!!! LMAO!!!

From Mrs. Shirley Smith # 20 Rivonia Road Sandton Johannesburg, TEL: +27-71-377-3385 Email:mrsshirleysmith@gmail.com

DEAR SIR

My name is Mrs. shirley smith the wife of Joseph smith from Zimbabwe. This might be a surprise to you about where I got your contact address, I got your address from the South African Network Online {SANO} when I was desperately looking for a trust-worthy person to assist my son who is currently residing in South Africa, and so I decided to contact you.

During the current war against the farmers in Zimbabwe from the supporters of our President Robert Mugabe to claim all the white-owned farms to his party members and his followers, he ordered all the white farmers to surrender their farms to his party members.

My husband was one of the best farmers in our country and because he did not support Mugabe’s ideas, Mugabe’s supports invaded my husband farm and burnt everything in the farm, killing my husband and made away with a lot of items in my husband farm. Before his death, my husband had deposited with one of the Security Company in Johannesburg, South Africa the sum of {US$9 M} Nine Million United States Dollars).

After the death of my husband, my son {PATRICK} decided to move out of my country to Republic of South Africa where my husband had deposited the money with the Security Company as valuables.

Please why I am contacting you is to assist us to move this money out of South Africa because as asylum seekers we are not allowed to operate any Bank Account or assured of security our investment within in the country. We have agreed to offer you 30% of the total sum for your assistance, while 70% will be for my family.

I believe that with your help we will invest it in your country. All I want you to do is to furnish me with your private phone and fax numbers for easy communication. You can contact me with myprivate telephone number:+27-71-377-3385 Waiting for your urgent response.

Best Regards.
Mrs. shirley smith
For the Family

I shop and I shop

I really should be working because I have a dozen projects up in the air that need to be done soon. But it's hard when you have other stuff on your mind. At least I've worked on my schedule and task lists to figure out what I need to do when at work to at least remain on time with my work load. It really doesn't feel like Christmas at all. It's cold here again, but it will be back in the low 70's again in a day or two. It's dreary looking outside today so that doesn't help get anyone in the festive mood.

I am happy that I finally found a great deal on a dress to wear in my sister-in-law's wedding in January. My friend ran across a great steal of a deal on it. It's a sea foam green sleeveless dress that has a sparkly top and a long skirt that looks like 2 pieces, but it's really a one piece. It has a nice 3/4 length sleeve jacket that goes with it. So hopefully this will keep me warm up in Illinois in January. It was originally $140.00, but I got it for $26.00. Now that's good shopping.

My Christmas cards finally went out in the mail yesterday and hopefully everyone will get their's before the 25th. I love our cards. We got 2 sets: one has a little girl angel holding a star wand and the other has 3 little baby angels singing on the front. We were drawn to them because the angels on there remind us of how Maddie would probably look today. I gave out my gifts to my co-workers yesterday. They each got to pick a yummy caramel apple covered in anything from Oreos to Chocolate and Peanut butter chips. I hope they like them. The apples came from my favorite store, QVC, and were individually wrapped with a ornament on each one. I'm all about convenience and saving money. All I had to do was take them out of the box and write my name on the gift tag!

Now I'm down to the last 4 people on my gift list. And since I ordered most of my gifts online I'm stalking USPS and UPS websites like they owe me money. As long as everything gets here by the 24th I'll be fine. I've also been loving Ebates.com. This is a site where you can get cash back from your purchases. I love it!

Well, it's almost time for my weekly meeting with Customer Service....ugghhh. Gotta run.

Holiday Bootay

I just decided to have a little fun this afternoon in between Wii Sports and working on my church stuff for tomorrow. So here's my little Christmas hoochie mama. The new Christmas stockings I ordered came in today. We got Maddie one last year that's a nice pink and white one with a big rattle in the center and a pink bow with her name and birth date. But we still had our Wal-Mart cheapies so this year we got personalized ones for ourselves from eBay. Rob has a red stocking with an embroidered Christmas squirrel on it that says Daddy. I have a dark red one with a poinsettia embroidered on it with some sequins and Mommy stitched in gold. Also I plan to finally address my Christmas cards since I finally got some stamps this morning. Better late than never.

Where's the joy?

I know I should be happy and joyful this time of year, and I try my best to be that way most of the time. But damn it's hard. Sometimes I want to tell people to stuff it. It's hard to smile all the time when friends talk about getting that special gift for their baby or pull out the Christmas pictures their baby took. You try to smile and be happy for them while the whole time deep in your heart you wish you could trade places with them. You wish you could be stressed out from having to take care of baby and still get Christmas tasks done. You wish your Christmas gift list included your baby, and that she would be there to open those gifts. It's no fun having a list full of gifts for adults. The only pitter patter of little feet I hear at home are my dogs. Then there's the people that complain about having to do so much for their kids to have a good Christmas like go shopping after work and decorate the house. How I wish I had that problem? I thought that this Christmas was going to be so much better than last years, but I was wrong. This year I'm no better off than I was last year. I'll still visit all my family with empty arms and an empty womb. I'll still hang a stocking for my daughter even though she'll never see it. I'll still get her a little tree for her grave. Yep, everything is just like last year.

Shopping Queen

I was beyond thrilled on Friday. I finally managed to snag a Nintendo Wii for less than the MSRP. I had tried a couple of eBay auctions, but hadn't been successful because I refused to pay a $100 plus over the price that the system should be. I had decided that we would just get one after Christmas since this gift isn't for a kid, it's for us. But I ran across several sites that tracked Wii and when they came in stock in different online stores. Rob had sent me an article talking about how these trackers were a waste of time. It basically said that if you were willing to stand outside of Best Buy or Toys R Us at 2 AM or pay almost double on eBay then you weren't getting one. But I signed up anyway.

So I'm sitting at my desk watching my eyes cross from reading the telecom laws in Illinois for the hundredth time when I got a pop up from Wii alerts that someone had some in stock. I couldn't believe my eyes. I hurried and clicked the link and I was able to get one from Amazon for a total of $239.99!!!! WooHoo!!!! I am the uber shopper!!! I can't wait until it gets here. I also managed to get 2 of the 4 games we want for less than they would cost us in the store. I love, love, love saving $$$$. I'm going to play the hell out of some Naruto:Clash of the Ninja Revolution in a couple of days. I feel like a little kid at Christmas. It's been a long time since I've been this excited about something. I'm a big kid sometimes, but damn it I deserve it!

Happy, Happy News!!!!!!!!!

My friend, Maria and her husband, are in Guatemala right now getting ready to bring their son, Gabriel home!!!! He will be in his forever home tomorrow! They have been through so much that it just renews my hope to see them get their blessings that they truly deserve. Just thinking of them brings to mind one of my favorite scriptures.

"Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest." Psalm 126:5-6 NLT

The survey

We got the adoption survey in the mail this past weekend and filled it out Sunday so I could get it in the mail Monday morning. Now I'm just watching the telephone not ring. I'm so inpatient. But back to the survey. The questions were what we expected and not what we expected. There were the typical questions about would you accept a child of this race or that race or a combo of certain races. They asked about if we would take a child with mental or physical handicaps and how much of a handicap would be accept. They asked about sibling groups and ages of children we would consider adopting. Then at the very end they asked if we had said we would consider a child other than full Caucasian did the child need to be light skinned. That question threw us both for a loop. It had never even crossed my mind that someone would care if the child was light skinned. I'm considered a light skinned African American, but my skin tone has changed several times over my life. It just makes me wonder if someone would actually choose a baby that was very light skinned, but then be disappointed later in life if they child didn't maintain that same light skin tone. I just get the image in my head of someone checking the baby's skin against a set of paint samples to see if they will "fit in". Who cares! I just want a healthy baby and that's it. I'm not going to change the way I feel about my child if they go from "high yellow" to a caramel complexion. I love my babies unconditionally and I will love my next one just the same.

My week in a Nutshell

This week has been very, very busy and very eventful. Work has been trying to kick my butt and most nights I'm working late to make sure I meet all my deadlines. It's fun doing the work of several people all by yourself. But I'm moving on from that subject that is sure to piss me off.

Rob and I have officially started the adoption process. I've been researching for months, and we had said we would start in January if we didn't get pregnant by then. But we've decided to not wait. I feel that God is leading me to this path in life so why keep avoiding it or putting if off. We all know what happened to Jonah when he tried to hide from God's will for his life. I like sushi, but I have no desire to tackle a whale be it literally or symbolically. The adoption process can be a long one so why add 2 more months to that wait.

We mailed off our letter to the local agency we plan to work with telling them about us and why we want to adopt. At first I thought of not mentioning Madison because I didn't want them to think adoption as a consolation prize for us or that we were trying to replace Maddie. Neither of these are true. We do plan to try to have another baby in the future once my doctor and we feel I'm ready. But we also want to be parents to a baby on earth more than anything and it doesn't matter if that baby comes from my body or not. So right now we're waiting for our survey/application to come back from the agency so we can move on to step 2.

My fur babies

Since it's almost Thanksgiving and I got off early from work I'm in a good mood today. I was going to talk about my cute little doggies and how good they've been lately. But then Olaf which is Rob's dog started acting a nut and doing his super sonic barking in the house. This is a bark that you can actually feel the vibrations from. It's horrible! You would never expect this from a little short dog that looks like a St. Bernard that's been shrunk. We think he's part Corgie part Rat Terrier part something. But this dog is so hyper and constantly wanting you to love him. He's got a huge ego and isn't afraid to show it.

Then there's my dog, Pakkun. He's a itty bitty little black and white King Charles Spaniel mix that I got from a local rescue a couple of months ago. I named him after a ninja dog from my favorite anime, Naruto. He's just a big baby with a big mouth. He barks at everything and anything that's new. He's my little fuzzy wuzzy. Pakkun has a underbite that keeps from from really having any real jaw strength. And this proved a little challenge for me to find dry food and dog treats that he could eat without any trouble. He was underweight when I got him also so finding a good food he could eat was a high priority. I found him online and saw that the shelter was going to have an adoption day that weekend. So I showed up at PetCo before the shelter even got there, and stood there basically stalking the animals until they brought him in. It was love at first sight.

Rob brought Olaf up to PetCo to meet Pakkun and they hated each other. Pakkun could care less about Olaf, but Olaf was barking, biting, snapping, and basically spazzing out. Olaf had at least a dozen asthma attacks from being overly excited that day. We thought they would get in lots of fights once we got both of them home. But we were lucky they only snapped at each other once. They've been best buddies ever since. Well, time to get to the grocery store so I can start cooking all of my yummies and goodies.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Due Date

I should be taking care of a new born baby right now. Today was the due date for baby #2 that stayed with us for 7 weeks. That whole thing caught me off guard. I was preparing myself for horrible debilitating all day sickness like I had with Madison. And I was getting ready to start going to the perinatologists to start seeing my high risk team. I was preparing for the real work. I didn't think I wouldn't make it out of my 1st trimester. I was naive even after everything that had happened with Maddie. I was so sick for my first 20 weeks with Maddie that every time I went to the doctor I was afraid to have an ultrasound. I was afraid she wasn't going to make it. I lost 20 pounds during that 20 weeks. I went to the hospital 2 times for IV fluids because I couldn't even keep water down. But she was always so strong and made it through it all with no problem. She was even bigger than expected for her gestation.

So when I finally got pregnant again in March I thought the battle wouldn't start until 20 weeks or so. Boy was I wrong. One morning I get up from my desk to go to the bathroom and I found dark red blood. I freaked out. I knew in my heart that I was losing this baby. I just knew it. I'm not a spotter or a bleeder so I knew this wasn't good. My doc saw me about 2 hours later and couldn't find anything on my ultrasound so she sent me to the major ultrasound area to be checked out by a better machine. But I knew it was a waste of time. I knew the end was near. I don't even really remember much of anything about that 2nd ultrasound. I didn't even look. I didn't want to see the empty blackness. I didn't want to see that part of me that was betraying me once again.

Rob brought me home from that appointment in silence. I had already started spiraling out of control. While sitting in the hallway waiting to have my blood work done, I gave him my rings back. I wanted it to all be over. I was a failure. I can't provide him with living children so why would he want to be married to me. I looked at him in the eyes when I gave them back, but I wasn't really looking at him. I was looking through him and only seeing the hate for myself. I got out of the car at home and went immediately to the empty nursery. I grabbed all of the baby clothes and my maternity clothes and tried to set them on fire. I didn't want to see anything that reminded me of my failures. In my mind those things were things that would never be used by my babies. And I sure as hell wasn't going to have someone else using them.

Rob stopped me from torching everything and from probably burning down our house. I was in a rage and I wanted to hurt someone anyone. I needed someone to hurt instead of me. Why was I always the one hurting while others are living a happy perfect life? That was 7 months ago and I still think about that day. I still compare my life today to how my life should be. I look around the living room floor that should be covered in toys. I look in the backseat of my car that should have a car seat in it now. I wake up to the sound of barking dogs at 3 a.m. instead of the sound of my baby crying for me. I listen to others talking about the wonderful things their child is doing, and my heart breaks once more. I wonder if I'll ever be able to raise a child of my own that is either born from my body or born in my heart.

18 Months

Today 18 months ago the love of my life was born and got her wings. I miss Madison everyday. It's so hard some days to even smile. I'm sitting at my desk trying to work, but she keeps coming to my mind and I start to cry. It doesn't get easier as time passes, you just learn to function better. This is my normal. I miss you so much my little Munchin. I love you! xoxoxo

Wasted 2 hours

I could have been watching tv or cooking a healthy supper or doing just about anything other than what I did last night. Rob's friend, Lawry, calls him the other day to say he wants to come by and talk to Rob. This is the friend that Rob wants to try to help. He just got married and he's been a pizza delivery boy for what seems like decades. He needs to do this for a job he's getting, and he will bring his trainer too. Rob agreed because Lawry says it will only take about 30 minutes, and he only needed Rob. Fine with me I can cook and just stay in the computer room while they talk. I knew from the moment Robert told me what he said he was trying to sell or rope us into some crap!

So 6:30 PM yesterday rolls around and there's a knock at the door. It's Lawry and his "trainer". I'm in the kitchen pulling out the ingredients to make a tasty panchetta and pasta dish for dinner. Now all of a sudden Lawry won't get his credit unless both of us sit in for the talk. So I'm stuck taking this irritating questionnaire asking me questions about what I want out of life and do I like my job and will I be able to retire when I want or pursue my dreams. The trainer asks us to list our dream cars and how our dream house would look and name all the places we'd love to travel. Only a blind monkey wouldn't see the sales pitch coming. The trainer keeps saying he's not trying to sell us anything he's trying to hire us. Don't we want to help other people obtain their dreams and save money while making lots of money for ourselves?

The trainer starts talking about life insurance. How most people don't have enough. But that section of the pitch ended soon after I explained to him my views on death and life insurance. I don't need to hit the lottery if my husband dies and neither does he if I die. We have enough insurance to pay off the mortgage and our bills. But that's it. I've worked and taken care of myself before Rob and I will continue to do that if something happened to him. I don't need to make half a million dollars on my husband's death. I don't need to sit on my ass for the rest of my life in luxury because someone I love died.

Then he starts on the mortgage section of the pitch and I explain to him that I worked for a major mortgage company for several years, and I have my degree in Finance so I'm not dumb. So don't come at me with more bull. Then he's talking about something called Debt Stacking. Doesn't that just sound lovely. Oh yes I would prefer to move my unsecured debt and make it secured debt. Yes, you may save some money, but everyone won't. Why would I give up my 6% fixed mortgage for an adjustable one or one that's interest rate is double what I already have. I didn't just fall off the turnip truck.

He also kept asking for referrals because that's how you grow your business. He felt the need to tell me that I need to ask people more questions so that they order more stuff from my Avon business. Sorry, but I don't like feeling like I'm in a job interview when someone's selling me something so why the hell would I do that to someone else? Also why would I want to make my living harassing my friends, neighbors, and strangers to listen to a 2 hour sales pitch for life insurance or refinancing or something else I don't even want. No thanks I'll stick with selling Avon.

After almost 2 hours of this bull they finally leave after getting us to agree to meet with them next week. Yeah right! I think I feel a cold coming on...cough...cough.

The moral of the story is always use your caller id and answering machine when friends decide to call you out of no where.

Death Note

Why do people feel the need to tell me about every story they read about someone abusing or worse yet killing their children? They don't understand that it just makes me more pissed off at the world. I struggle for something that people think is trash. It makes me think of a new anime I saw a couple of weeks ago called Death Note. Basically a guy finds a book that tells him any name he writes in the book while thinking of that person, that person will die in a few minutes. You can even choose how they die, but if you don't they will just have a heart attack. I just think of all the people that I would write in that book. All the losers that hurt kids would be in that book. I'd even take the time to come up with creative ways for them to die, nothing nice and simple, oh no I want them to suffer. But the one drawback to the book is that if you use it you can never go to heaven. That's my only problem because I have to be with my Madison again one day. I couldn't give up
the chance to be with her again for anything.

Back OP

Let's see OP stands for a lot of things for me like On Point or On Plan or Off Poison. Our First Place weight loss class is being changed to a weight loss support group for anyone on any plan. So we will see how that goes. But today is Day 1 back to eating healthy like I should. So no more yummy bacon, egg, and cheese croissants for breakfast and pizza or hamburgers for dinner when we don't feel like cooking. Damn! I'm going to miss that. Today I had fat free blackberry yogurt for breakfast, some leftover Jamaican chicken with bulgur pilaf with pine nuts for lunch. I've had about 10 points worth of food, but I'm not counting. I'm tired of counting points for a while, but I've been doing it for so long it happens anyway. Tonight is Rob's night to cook and we're having a weight watchers pizza casserole for supper. I can't wait. It sounds yummy. I hope to exercise tonight too, but we will see how that goes since I've been battling my sinuses all day. I hate weather changes!!!

My Halloween

The day started by being up all night waiting for Rob's mom to finish my costume. She started on it that evening even though I took her all the stuff about 2 weeks earlier. But we're not even going to get into that. I'm still cranky about that shit. Well, we got home about 6AM and there was no way either of us could make it to work for 8. We took a nap and went into work at 11. I was good, but Rob was a zombie. I grabbed a Monster energy drink just in case my 3rd or 4th wind decided to die. I got home a little after 5 and started to get dressed for Trick R Trunk at 6. This is a community outreach event that our church does every year. Usually we have about 1,000 people come through in the 2 hours we're there. The band usually plays for the event, but this year our leader and soloist was sick. So that didn't happen. 2 of the guitarists played just for fun.

Rob went as a knight in shinning armor equipped with a shield and a war hammer. He looked more a dwarf out of Dungeons and Dragons that any knight I've ever seem. But I love my little dwarf just the same. I was a kunoichi or female ninja anime character. I had a blast and got tons of compliments on my costume. I'll get to dress up like this again next week for Rob's department costume party so I'm excited about that. This was the 1st year I had a totally original costume that I designed myself. After the fun we went by R's parents' house to show them how we turned out, but his mom was dead to the world. I can't blame her. She actually made it to work with no sleep. Then we grabbed some Arby's and we by our neighbor's house. We talked to them for a while and went home to crash. We were both so tired, and I think we're finally back to full energy today. Well here are a couple of pics and a link to the rest if you'd like to see them.






www.maddiesmom.shutterfly.com

The Update (Long Edition)

Let's see what's been going on in my life since I blogged reguarly. I guess I'll break it down into days.

October 18:

I had a Microsoft Access training class today so I was off work. Thank God! The class ended at 2:30 so I had the rest of the afternoon to chill out. My friend, Kelley, her dad, and I went to see MercyMe in concert. The other acts were Aaron Shust and Monk and Neagle. The concert was amazing. This is my 4th time seeing MercyMe and I think the concerts just get better every time. Kelley's dad, Jim, knows the concert promoter so he was able to get us backstate passes for the pre-concert Meet and Greet. Jim decided that he wanted all the guys to sign his guitar, and I let them sign the booklet to one of their cds. This is the 2nd time we've met the band, but this time I actually had my own camera with me. It was so fun. Here's a picture of me with MercyMe and one with Aaron Shust.



October 19:

Kelley and I met at her apartment in Shreveport and down to Houston, TX to see Casting Crowns. The trip was long, but not too bad since we used Google maps on the way down there. We only got "lost" once and that was because we left the map directions for lunch and got ourselves confused. Neither of us is good with the whole North-South-East-West thing. We got to the concert kind of early and I kept noticing people that looked like they were getting ready for a cosplay. I talked to a couple of them and found out that there was a huge anime/gaming event going on that weekend in the hotel next to the concert arena. I sooooo wanted to go there, but we just didn't have time. I can't wait until next year when Rob and I will get to go to one in Dallas. We might even try for one in Houston too since it's an annual event. But I'll get back to the subject because I can talk about my cosplay plans for a long time.

The concert was wonderful. There were so many times I was moved to tears. And to hear them perform "Praise You in This Storm" was so touching. That song will always remind me of my journey back from the hell of losing Maddie. You could feel the holy spirit in that place. It was just amazing.

October 20:

A friend of ours that lives near Houston came to take us to the Galleria. Phillip brought along a friend of his, Jeremy, and we had a good day. That mall is huge!!! I just hate that I was low on money because they have every store you can imagine all in one place. I so wanted to buy a Coach wallet, but I decided I rather eat that weekend. But Rob promises that we will go there together when we have some extra cash to have fun with next year. I can't wait. We ate at the Cheesecake Factory that day. This was my first time eating there, and I love, love, love it. I had a yummy garlic pasta with shrimp and shitake mushroom dish. Then I managed to eat a huge piece of Kahlua coffee cheesecake. Yummmmm!!!! I will definitely go there again.

That night Kelley and I just chilled out. She watched the LSU football game while I surfed the net in the hotel room. I'm sorry I could care less about college football especially when it's a school I've never been too. But that's just me. We got some take out for dinner. I picked a restaurant called Prince's Hamburgers that had a menu in the hotel room. I had a huge burger with mushrooms, swiss cheese, grilled onions, and avocado with fries and a couple of onion rings. Oink! But damn it was good and I was on vacation so it's ok. The next day we drove back to Shreveport, and it took us about a hour and half less time than the trip there. I was glad to get on the road home because I missed my baby. I was so happy to just be home with my hubby. I don't think I'm going to go on anymore trips without him anymore. There were just so many things I know we would have enjoyed together that I didn't do because no one but me wanted to do them. I don't think it's sad that I don't want to be away from him. The sad thing is when a couple looks forward to being apart.

Quick Update

I know this is the longest I've gone without posting since I started my blog, and I feel so weird not updating. I've just been so busy with home and work duties. I went on a weekend get-away with my friend, Kelley, last weekend. I will post the pics from that soon. I just wanted to let everyone know I'm alive and well, just very busy. Tonight my sister-in-law, future brother-in-law, and grandmother-in-law (is that a term) are coming over for dinner tonight. Sister and Brother-in-law live up north so we don't see them a lot. We're going to take them out to the cemetery to see Madison since none of them have had a chance to yet.

Tomorrow evening I'll probably be lighting a fire under my mother-in-law to finish my Halloween costume since she's very far behind schedule. I'm hoping she gets it done, but I think it will look so cool. I'm excited. I always love going to my church's Trick R Trunk and giving candy out to all the little kids that come by. This year I'll be a black anime character. Since there is a lack of good, cool black anime characters I've invented one. I like to refer to myself as the Giant Black Japanese Doll. Yes, most people that I've told that are so confused. There's just something strange about black Japanese. Hopefully this costume will be just one of many cosplay outfits to come. My next project will be a big one that I plan to execute for an anime convention in March. I will be Urd from Ah! My Goddess.We've started researching and looking for supplies now because being in a small town most things out of the "ordinary" have to be ordered online. I can't seem to find a good picture of her with her wings showing. I love the fact that she's half goddess and half demon. So she has 1 white wing and 1 black wing.

This was supposed to be aquick update. Oh well back to researching tariffs since that's what I'm being paid for.

LMAO

I just spent about an hour online looking at people's profiles on Myspace and laughing my ass off. My BFF wanted me to check out the pages for our 10 year reunion. I don't understand why grown ass people feel the need to spend all their time on a site telling other people Hi or What's Up or Look at me!!! WTF? That makes no sense. I'm sorry but once I get home from working 8 plus hours, I have no desire to hang out on a site that's geared to teens. I'm freaking 27 years old. I laugh at all the people that can't just be real and accept their lives. These are the same people that haven't grown up or matured since they graduated from high school. You have some people lying about their ages or their jobs or their degrees or lack of degrees. Why? What's the purpose of lying to strangers about your life? You're true friends accept you just the way you are. Why even say anything if you have to make it up? Some people can say that a blog is the same, but hardly. The blogs that I read and follow are about someone's real life. None of them use their whole page to send shout outs to people. They actually write about subjects and a lot of them give information. I guess you actually have to have some brain waves to maintain a real blog.

October 15

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I remember my daughter and the little baby that would be due in a couple of weeks everyday. I miss them both deeply. They are very much a part of my life today. I wasn't able to find any memorials going on in my town for this event so Robert and I will have our own private remembrance tonight. We'll light Madison's memorial candle and remember the wonderful times we had with her and dream of seeing her again. We'll take some pink roses to her grave because I know she would have loved pink as much as her mommy does. We will honor both of our babies today. I hope that you'll think of my babies and the millions of precious babies that have been lost.

How very softly you tip toed into my world, almost silently.
Only a moment you stayed,
but what an impact your Footprints have left on my heart.

I was going to be nice

I had decided that I was going to post a lighthearted post today since it's Friday and I don't have a ton to do this weekend. But I can't. I've seen too many stories of stupid bitches that can have kids as easy as they can open their damn legs, but treat the kids like shit when they get here. I don't fucking understand why some people can have one baby and before that kid can hold it's head up they are pregnant with another one. And every time they get knocked up it will be a nice easy pregnancy. Why the fuck do so many good people try forever to get pregnant and then that pregnancy goes down in flames?

I think back to this survey I got from the Louisiana department of health a couple months after Madison died wanting me to help in their research as to why my baby died. I ignored it for months because I didn't give a damn if I helped anyone else make it through their pregnancy scott free. But I finally decided to answer it and it just pissed me off.
It asked me questions like:

1. If I had medical care the whole time?
2. Did I smoke while pregnant?
3. Did I do drugs or drink?
4. Did I take prenatal vitamins?
5. Did my partner abuse me?

I think those are the stupidest questions. I learned all those things were wrong a long time before I started gapping my legs to get pregnant. I did everything I was supposed to and more, but still all I have to show for it is a c-section scar and a headstone. These bitches can commit all kinds of wrong against their unborn child and yet they come home with a healthy baby. I'm fucking tired of feeling like a leper. I'm tired of coming home to a house with an empty nursery. I'm sick and tired of watching everyone get their dreams while I can't seem to wake from my nightmare. I think my dream job would be the punisher of people that hurt children. That way I could take out all my anger and rage on someone that deserves it.

My busy, busy life

I've been MIA for longer than usual simply because work has been so effing busy. Last week we had to spend 2 days in meetings all day long. But what the powers that be don't understand is that work still piles up even though you're in meetings. People still email you, call you, and due dates for projects still approach. We got stuck in meetings that mostly had nothing to do with us. Our boss likes to give the appearance that he's more important and more knowledgeable than he is. So he basically crashed another group's annual meetings and drug us along for the ride. It was nice being able to meet the people we work with that are located all over the country, but that could have been accomplished without taking us away from our work for 2 days. So by the time that was all over I'm so behind I don't even know which way is up.

And don't even get my started on that asshole we call Forrest Gump. He basically told us that we're "under performing" and depending on people that have been with the company for decades. "You all should be the experts in your department. But instead people in the company call Mr. X or Mrs. Y to get answers when they should call you." Why the fuck would someone call me to ask a question about something someone else in our department did? People with brains will call the person that did the project not just some random person that happens to be in the same department. He wants us to spend most of our day kissing people's asses all over the country, and somehow figure out how to get our actually work done at the same time. He just confirmed everything I've heard about him from other people and everything I've thought. He's out for himself and doesn't care to appreciate the people that really do the work behind the scenes. If you're not Suzy Suck-up then you'll never get anywhere as long as he's in charge. I've been there almost 3 years, and I can't remember one time he's shown any of us his appreciation. But all the time I see other VPs showing their employees their thanks. I'm not asking for a huge cash bonus even though that would be nice. But hell a simple lunch out that we don't have to pay for would be nice. Someday when I'm the one in charge I'll show my people how much they mean to me and not treat them like indentured servants.

Also this past week when I got home I had tons of questions from people looking at my Ebay auctions and from my Avon store. Also I was working on getting items together for my yard sale. I'm so glad that most of my auctions are done and my yard sale is over because I just need to relax finally. Too many things just fell at the same time. But at least I made some good money and got some extra room in my house.

I had a pretty good day today since I was away from the office for a training class. I love training classes that have nice long lunches and get out early. Now that's the life. I actually did learn a lot in class. But it's back to purgatory tomorrow.

I am so tired, so very tired. My heart just hurts. Please stop hurting. Why won't the pain just go away?

Silence is golden especially when you have 2 co-workers that feel the need to talk about their babies all day, everyday.