I Don't Think I'm Overreacting

This is what I just told a friend:

I was so upset last Friday afternoon. After almost 2 years, Rob finally got someone in the records department to make us a copy of one of Madison's pictures they kept. They took several polariods that day, and since it was an emergency we weren't prepared with our own camera to get some good shots. DH remembered there was a really good clear photo of her that the hospital kept for their records and we got the rest. I'm still not in able to go up to the hospital on my own especially when it has to do with Madison. So DH has been handling it. I decided that I could handle the small task of picking up her picture since I wanted to see it so badly. I went to pick up the picture and the girl was so nice. We talked a minute or two and I left. I opened the envelope in the car and my heart broke. The pictures were not copies of my baby all pink, and warm and full of life. They were taken after she died. I can't get the image out of my head of my baby girl all alone on a table. I never saw her after she died, and I wanted to keep it that way. I don't have many memories of her on the outside, but the ones I do I cherish and wanted to keep the way they were.

She has this puzzled look like what's the big deal? They gave you pictures maybe they didn't know which one you wanted. People make mistakes. WTF? Come on! I don't think I was being a nut because I was upset and saddened to see my baby girl like that. She has a baby so I figured she would understand. But nope! I doubt that I will talk to her anymore about stuff concerning Madison.

Relaxing Day Comes to a End

My BFF, Sarah, her husband and my goddaughter, Danielle visited my church today. It was nice having them there even though we didn't get to sit with them since both Rob and I have jobs to do during the service. I love seeing my goddaughter. She's becoming such a smart, beautiful little lady. I would love if they starting coming to our church, but we will see. Sarah's husband, Todd, would prefer a more traditional service over the contemporary service they visited today. So that would have them going to an earlier service, but it still would be nice to have them there sometimes. We had a nice lunch after church at a Chinese buffet. It's not like I needed to eat Chinese because I always retain tons of fluid after eating Chinese. So now I'm sitting on the couch watch a marathon of Nanny 911 and drinking lots of water to hopefully flush my body out. Tomorrow is the start of another long, busy week at work. It's almost the beginning of the 2nd quarter of the year which means lots and lots of tariff filings to prepare for our promotions from our marketing department. I hate the beginning of the quarter because no matter how much preparation our department puts into finding out all the promotions the company plans to offer, marketing will always come up with something else as soon as we get all of our filings done. I hate double work!!! Assholes!

2WW

Most people that are ttc, trying to conceive, understand what the 2WW is, and know that 7 dpo is just about the halfway point. To everyone else I am currently 7 days past ovulation and I have at least 7 more days to go before I can even think about taking a pregnancy test. This lovely time is referred to as the 2 week wait. This seems like it's the longest 2ww I've had in a long time. I try not to get my hopes up too much, but it's hard not to on your 1st medicated cycle. I just hope that the meds are all my body needed to get us a healthy baby. Every twinge, every headache, every food craving, every wave of nausea makes me wonder if we've been blessed this time. If we do get pregnant this cycle I will be due around December 20, but my doctor and I would be shooting for a Thanksgiving delivery. I would be over the moon if our home had a baby in it for the holidays. That would be so amazing.

Hello and Goodbye

Today one year ago I miscarried my 2nd child. I was sitting at my desk at work and my stomach started to cramp. I was hoping and praying it was just something I ate. I went to the restroom and I was bleeding. I freaked out. I knew in my heart that I'm not a bleeder. I didn't bleed at all with Maddie. I knew what was happening and that there was nothing I could do. Only weeks before we had seen the beginnings of our baby. I was only 3-4 weeks along so all we saw was the sac, but I knew you were there. And before I knew it you were gone. I think you were a girl, but I'm not sure. It's just a feeling that I have. Just know that mommy and daddy love and miss you so much, but I know Maddie is being a wonderful big sister to you. I will see you again one day, my darling.

A Part Of Me

As I sit and remember

When you were still a part of me

I try to forget...

Your life was never meant to be.

You were given a life, a soul, a name

But now things will never be the same.

You were mine to give life to

Though only for a while

Things had changed...

I will never see your smile.

Yet my love for you

Will never disappear

Though your voice, your laugh,

I will never get to hear.

You will always be my baby

Though I've never seen your face.

Not a thing in this world

Can ever take your place.

(c) Felicia Glik All Rights Reserved

My Angel Baby

To the baby that I carried

But never seen your eyes

Or tell you how much I loved you

Or ever to hear your cries.

You will never be forgotten

The excitement we had for your coming.

When I realized I'd never hold you,

The feeling I had was numbing.

My angel baby is who you are.

My angel baby you'll always be.

Your loving memory will live in my heart

So you will always be right here with me.

(c) Lori Jager All Rights Reserved

This could be me

Freakish

I start the 3rd medicine of my first medicated cycle tonight. This one is prometrium, which is a progesterone supplement to help my body up it's progesterone levels after taking the clomid and estrodiol. It should help thicken the uterine lining and support an embryo. I'll take this one until I get a positive or a negative pregnancy test. If it's positive than I will keep taking it until the doctor tells me otherwise. But if this cycle is a bust then I will stop and the evil witch will come on in a few days. I feel like such a freak for having to take drugs in order to possibly get pregnant. It doesn't help that I watched a bunch of baby shows today and it seems like getting pregnant is the easiest thing in the world for everyone else. You hardly if ever see a story about someone that had to take drugs or any other fertility treatments on the television unless it's a special on Discovery Health channel. I don't want to be an oddity. I just want to be normal sometimes. But I can't bear to keep trying on our own and just hoping that things will work out.

We had Chinese take out for supper tonight, and this was my fortune:

The path of life shall lead upwards for you.

I really hope it comes true soon.

I hope everyone is having a nice Easter with their family and friends today. I'm so tired from the past few days that I'm going to crash soon and take a nice long nap this afternoon.

Stupid Doctor

I was supposed to have my HSG done yesterday at 1:00 PM. Rob and I got to the hospital about 30 minutes before my appointment to go through admissions. I didn't freak out too much about being in this hospital. It did bother me when they put a name bracelet on me. I got a quick flashback to all my hospital stays when I was pregnant. But Rob was there which made things better. We got to radiology about 12:50 and waited to be called back. Rob couldn't come with me since the room was going to be too small for him along with the doctor and nurse. The nurse asked me what cycle day I was on, and I said 13. She then tells me that she thinks it's too late in my cycle to do this procedure. She went to talk to the doctor, and he came out and said the same thing. This procedure is usually done between day 7-10 of your cycle to avoid any chance of radiating an embryo. UGGGHHHHH! I took off half of my work day to get this done and so did Robert and now we can't get it done. I don't know why my doctor or his nurse scheduled this procedure so late in my cycle. I saw them on day 3 so they knew I needed to get this done quickly. I hate wasting my paid time off. My doc's office was closed yesterday afternoon and today, but he will get an ass chewing when I see him again!

The one good thing was that Robert went to the records area and talked to someone about possibly getting a color copy of Madison's picture that they took for records. They took about 5 Polaroids of her and managed to take the one really clear one. What the fuck? Why would you take that from the parents? The only pictures they will ever have and you take the good one. I haven't been able to go get it myself. I know my anger and temper and I would be in jail if they gave me any crap about it. But Rob says that this lady seems to really be trying to help us get a copy since they can't give us the one in the file. I might be able to get myself calm enough to ask about a trade where we give them the blurry pic and we get the clearer one. So we will see in a few days when we hear back from them.

Happy 1st Angel Day, Sweet Ella

I remember March 18, 2007 like it was yesterday. I was sitting at my desk and I logged onto one of my message boards. I was hoping for an update on how Mesa and her baby were doing. I was praying at the same time I saw the update post. I opened it and my heart broke once again. I couldn't even control the tears nor the no I yelled at my desk. I could care less what anyone around me thought. I couldn't breathe. I just wanted to run outside and scream. Why did this have to happen to another person? Why did another little baby get their wings far to early? I read the post a 2nd time hoping that I had read it wrong. But no it wasn't wrong. The baby that had been prayed for by so many people all over the country, the baby that so many women on a weight watchers message board had hoped for was gone too soon. Just months before I cried tears of joy when I found out that Mesa was expecting after such a long hard battle to conceive. And now I was sobbing uncontrollably because Mesa had been inducted into a club that no one wants to be a member of. I knew almost immediately what I needed to do. I needed to reach out to her like only another mother of an angel can do. And over this year I've gained a wonderful, beautiful friend. I know today will be a hard day for her. I will pray for her and Will today. And I will remember their angel, Ella Gwen, today and always. You are very loved and very missed.

I did not die young,

I lived the span of my life within your body,

And within your love.

If you would honour me,

Then speak my name and number me amongst your family.

If you would honour me,

Then strive to live in love,

For in that love I live.

Never ever doubt that we will meet again,

And until that day I will grow in Heaven and wait for you.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow,

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight.

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room,

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there, I do not die.

Mary Elizabeth Frye

On Hold! Grrrrr!

I'm on hold with my medical insurance company trying to find out if my HSG will be covered by them. This isn't my first call. I called last week only to find out that I needed to call my doctor and get a medical billing code since the insurance company couldn't figure out which hysterosalpingogram I was having. How the hell are you supposed to know all this shit. It's just a ploy on the insurance companies' side to frustrate you to no end and that way they can deny all of your claims and keep their profits nice and high. I still hate this company for making us fight with them for months to get Madison's medical bills paid. They tried to claim that I didn't add her to my policy within the 31 day time frame. I was ready to drive up to their office and open fire! So since my procedure is this Thursday I need to find out now how much will be covered! So while I wait on hold listening to the lame music, I decided to blog.

I'm glad that I'm done with my round of clomid this cycle. That shit makes me a raging bitch! I probably could have easily beat someone down without a care in the world. I would get mad at the drop of hat and have little to no remorse about it. Now I'm on my round of estradiol for the next couple of days. Here's what I've heard about estradiol:

Your body tends to naturally select or favor one follicleFollicle development
Fsh
Hair follicle
Hair follicle anatomy
Hair follicle sebaceous gland a month and hold the others backBack pain - low
Back strain treatment while it matures. The estradiol supresses this mechanism, allowing multipleMultiple myeloma
Multiple sclerosis
Multiple sclerosis - resources
Multiple system atrophy folliclesFollicle development
Fsh
Hair follicle
Hair follicle anatomy
Hair follicle sebaceous gland to mature, and making your clomid or other drugsChemical dependence - resources
Chemotherapy
Drug abuse
Drug abuse and dependence
Drug abuse first aid
Drug allergies
Drug induced hypertension
Drug rash on the back
Drug rash, tegretol
Drug signs and teenagers
Drug-induced hypertension a better shot at producing multipleMultiple myeloma
Multiple sclerosis
Multiple sclerosis - resources
Multiple system atrophy eggs.

My doc has me acting like I'm already pregnant. So my beautiful, well stocked bar is going to wast right now. I'm not a lush, but I do love my booze. LOL!

I guess I'm still bitchy.

Here's to hoping that all the mood swings will yield us a Christmas miracle.

New meanings

I always find it interesting when I run across a song or poem that takes on a whole new meaning after a life changing event.

"Dreaming With a Broken Heart"

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?

Would you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

By: John Mayer

It's been so long

It feels like it's been a long time since I was pregnant with Madison even though it was only 2 years ago. I just think back to what I was doing this time two years ago. I probably was at home sick as a dog or at work trying not to get sick. I hadn't gotten far enough along yet to feel her movements yet, and we didn't even know for sure she was a girl yet. The world was so full of hope and promise then. It's hard to watch my friend's little boy grow up and hit milestones since he was born only a couple of months after Maddie. I just look at him and think of where she would be now. She would be very vocal and opinionated by now. She'd be driving the dogs crazy and probably trying to ride Olaf like a horsey. She would light up a room when she came running in. She would be a huge handful, but we'd love every minute of it. Damn, I miss her so much.

My 2nd Reading

I got my 2nd reading last weekend. This one is really in depth and I'm hoping and praying it comes true.

Hi Ashely

Thank you for being patient with me while I got back to your reading.

They are showing me JULY and GIRL so this is either birth month, concieve month or the month you find out in. They also show her with a brother just over 2 years younger than her

When it comes to your daughter, would tell you that i see her as very beautiful. Someone who is confident in herself, is always easy going and always looking for the good in any situation or person. It hink that you will find that shes often inspired by many things in life and is always showing othe rpeople how to change things for the better. Shes someone who thinks before she speaks, would never hurt anyones feelings intentionally, but is also strong minded as well that shes certainly not going to be taken advantage of/

I would say that your duaghter is going to be tall for her age, always in the top 5 of her class in height. Shes got very long legs, her hair usually just past her shoulders and always left down. Shes fairly good about taking good care of her apperance, she likes to look presentable and feels more confident when she has taken care of herself. I think that you will find that there are people who are jealous of her, but your duaghte rnever understands why. She never takes her looks for granted and often does not rub it in anyones face that she knows that she is pretty.

She loves animails, has a very soft spot for dogs and cats and always asking to take all these strays that she insists follow her home each time lol.

I think that you will find that shes got a good eye for design, someone who lovse to organize things and has good confidence in herself and her abilities. always offering to help out around the house, lvoes to clean up, and just loves things look ing fresh. I think that you will find that shes someone who I would consider to be business oriented, and around the age of 18 comes up wtih her own business plan to do birthday parties and events. I believe that this starts as more of a "fairty tale" birthday party idea, and runs her own company. I do bleieve that her father has a hand in helping to get this off the ground. I think that you will find that eventually she takes on wedding parties, and other bigger events, and hires 2 other girls ot help her with this.

When it comes to marriage I see her closer to 26, they will have one girl and one boy of their own.

Let me know if you have any questions

Thanks

Cheri

Busy, busy bee that would be me

I've been going and going and going for the last several days. I was already worn out from the time change so I'm just running on gas fumes right now. Monday I had a visit with my doctor. My blood tests from last week showed that I did ovulate last cycle. Which is good, but it just leaves more questions as to why I'm not getting knocked up. I'll be going in next week to a HSG, hysterosalpingogram, say that 3 times fast. A hysterosalpingogram is an X-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes which allows visualization of the inside of the uterus and tubes. The picture will reveal any abnormalities of the uterus as well as tubal problems such as blockage and dilation. Rob is going to be tested too, just in case. But my doctor doubts that it's a problem on his end since he's gotten me pregnant twice before. I've also started clomid/estradiol/prochieve this cycle. I'm praying this will do the job so we don't have to go on to more invasive procedures. Because Fertility Treatments = Lots of Cash $$$

The clomid is really helping my attitude problem. I've been a mega bitch for the last couple of days. I warned Rob before I started taking the meds, but I'm just trying to stay in a different room to keep the arguments to a minimum.

Back to the drawing board

The witch reared her ugly head early this morning. I was hoping this would be the cycle since today's our 4th anniversary of dating. I found out about my last 2 pregnancies on or around special days. We found out we were blessed with Maddie on Christmas morning. And our other little angel gave us a positive test a couple of days before our dating anniversary. So I was really hoping this was going to be our month.

On a happier note, I should be getting my 2nd baby psychic reading today hopefully. I found out about 2 ladies that do readings online that focus on trying to conceive and babies through some online friends. They've all gotten readings from these ladies, and so far one of the psychics has a 100% accuracy on her predictions, and the other is at about 70% accurate.

My first reading was from Brooke. This was her prediction from the tarot cards:

Hi Ashley.....so sorry for your loss, first of all.

The cards are showing you conceiving your second child between April and June. Now, a boy AND a girl come up around you. They show you with these two children next year. So I strongly feel this will be a full-term healthy baby!

Let me know when you get your BFP!

-Brooke

I'm waiting to hear back from Cherie on her prediction. She says I will hear from her by today so I'm hoping to know something soon. So we will see if both predictions correlate with each other.

Snow Day!

It's snowing here in Louisiana today. It rarely ever snows here and when it does it will usually melt before it hits the ground. Earlier this week it was in the 80's and yesterday it was sunny and pleasant outside. Today it's in the low 30's, and about 11:00 it started snowing. We were out to lunch for my boss's birthday, and most of us had to go outside to see it. Someone even stood out there eating the snow that was falling. The best thing about this is when we got back to work at 1:30 we were told that the office was closing at 2. WoooHooo! An adult snow day!!!

I DON'T CARE!!!!

It's been a couple of days since I've gone on one of my rants so get ready. I'm so fucking tired of people coming up to me asking me if I've talked to J today. "How did her baby's first haircut go yesterday?" Why the hell do I care? Why the fuck do you feel the need to ask me? I don't give a flying fuck how it went. Walk down there to her desk and ask her yourself. I'm sure she has plenty of pictures to show you. Don't ask me! Don't you see the big March of Dimes sign on my desk that has In Loving Memory of Madison Sherina Renee Douglas written on it? Do you see any recent pictures of her or another child on my desk? Do I look like I have a baby at home with me which would automatically make me give a shit about someone else's kid's first haircut? Nope. I don't give a fuckity fuck fuck. So take your blind idiotic ass down the hall and ask someone who cares!

Hummm....that felt good. Wish I could say it out loud.

Infertility?

I was reading an article while I was waiting in the doctor's office today about secondary infertility. I always assumed that I fell into that category since I have gotten pregnant and I gave birth to a child. But now we're having problems getting pregnant and staying pregnant this time around. But per this article's definitions of secondary vs. primary infertility I don't really fall into either category. It said that primary infertility is the inability to get pregnant and carry to term. Secondary is when you've had a child, but you can't get pregnant again and carry to term. The part about "to term" is a tricky one. I didn't carry to term, but I did get pregnant and give birth to a child so am I suffering from primary or secondary infertility. It's not like someone with a brain or that values their life would call Madison a miscarriage. And even though she was so early she fought to stay with us for 10 hours outside of my body. So she was very much born and very much her own person, and my child. So I wonder what category I fit in? Maybe I should make up my own category called something like screwedup fertility. I think that fits me just right.

Blogging Good for Your Health

I ran across an interesting article online that talked about how bloggers seem to feel more connected to a community and less isolated. It also states that bloggers are more satisfied with their friendships both online and face-to-face. After 2 months of the study, test subjects felt that they had better social support and friendship networks than those who didn't blog. I think that future studies should have a much larger test group. But it's interesting none the less.

Blogging for Your Health

Standardized Testing

I'm started my first set of tests on the road to getting knocked up again. I went in today for lab work to check my progesterone levels. After some researching online I learned that a level over 10 ng/ml indicates that ovulation did occur. I'm just going to go with that number since every site I've looked at has a different number. I thought this was going to be a nice short trip to the clinic, but NO! I got there and signed in at 8:50 AM and it was almost 10 AM by the time they called me in the back. I picked this office out of 3 locations that I could go to since it's right down the street from my office, and usually it's pretty empty compared to the other locations. Even though there were only 2 patients in the waiting room when I got there, I still had to wait forever just to have my blood drawn. It's not like I had to see a doctor or nurse. Nope just went straight into the lab when they finally called my name. Damn large clinics suck sometimes.