Our Anniversary

Next week, well Labor Day to be exact, will be our 2nd wedding anniversary! This year we're taking a trip to Dallas to go to Six Flags, a couple of museums, the aquarium, and lots of OUTLET SHOPPING!!!!! I'm excited about lots of great discounts and sales especially since this is a holiday weekend. So we will get out on the road early Saturday morning after we drop our dogs off at Rob's parent's house for baby sitting. Then we're meeting up with my brother, his girlfriend, and her son for the Six Flags adventure. She's getting us discounted tickets which is hella cool! Saturday and Sunday we will stay at my brother's apartment in Plano to save some $$. He lives down the street from a fabulous sushi restaurant. I can wait. I love, love, love me some sushi!!!! I'm getting hungry just thinking about it. Then on Monday we're going to check into The Adolphus hotel in Dallas. I hope it's a beautiful and luxurious in person as it is online. I'm hoping for something a lot different than the "typical hotel room" on this trip.

It's become a tradition for us now to take off about a week or so from work around this time. We did this last year and went away to the mountains of Hot Springs, Arkansas for a lot of alone time. This time last year was so hard because Madison was due on our anniversary. So as the days draw closer to September I think back on what life should be like now. I know that we would probably still take off a couple of days but those days would be filled with the laughter of our daughter. We would need a high chair at the restaurant instead of watching the waiter take it to another person's table. I think this year will be a lot less painful, but the dreams of what should be will still be in the back of my mind.

Moms make the world go 'round

My favorite work-time guilty pleasure besides watching anime online is hanging on the E board on weight watchers.com but the last couple of days have been too bombarded with Mom/Baby/Toddler/Kids posts. I log in today and the majority of the front page is about moms, bibs, post-partem exams, and etc. So I left. Just like yesterday or was it the day before when the whole board was babies and new moms getting preggo again. It's just too much to grit my teeth and smile about sometimes. So instead of being this huge dark cloud, I just leave. I kind of want to join the trying to conceieve thread again, but why get my hopes up. It's already on my mind most days of the week so adding a daily written reminder would probably not be a good thing. It just sucks because that board used to be one of the funniest and interesting places to visit, but now it's just a huge baby center. It just seems like normal life and events has been replaced with mama drama all day long.
It's utterly frustrating to not have anywhere to interact with people like you used to. Why can't life just be simple once in a while?

My Sundae Sunday

Today was our church's annual Make Your Own Sundae Sunday, and like always the band helps serve the ice cream after the 11 AM service. It's always fun getting to see everyone and just have fun. We usually have a large turnout for this event. I usually don't see that many people on Sundays because I get to church an hour before the service to make sure that everything is up and running for the overheads and make sure that my lyrics are right. And by the time I get done with my after the service duties most people have gone home. I like being in the balcony because the view is great, but I do miss the way my old computer booth was out in the congregation with everyone. So I really love after church fellowship programs. I love my church. There's is always something going on for everyone. Well, I've got to run. I'm going to the orientation for the next session of First Place Weight Loss at my church. I think it will be just what I need, a bible centered approach at losing weight. I think it's funny we just had ice cream sundaes and now it's time to lose weight! I'll post about it later.

Dirty South Kunoichi

I found this cool site with hundreds of faces, clothes, items, and backgrounds that you can put together for free to make the coolest animated avatars or 3D I.D. I just had to make myself as a sword-wielding kunoichi or female ninja. I figured it was time for me to have a little silly fun this week.

Primal Instincts or Dumb luck?

I think that getting pregnant and having a baby is a very cave people/ primal thing for so many women. It takes no thought or brain function at all. They get pregnant, have no problems, have a baby, and then have no idea what the hell to do with it. They say stupid shit like "I don't get it. My baby keeps trying to pick up anything he gets his hands on." Well, no duh that's what kids do! Hell at least animals like cats and dogs instinctively know what to do with a baby. Then there are those of us who work our asses off to get a child only for it to blow up in our faces over and over. Isn't that just peachy fucking keen.

What it will be like

This morning at church I was listening to the band playing "I Can Only Imagine" and just half wondering and half daydreaming. I wonder will Maddie still be a baby when I see her again or will she be all grown up. I wonder what I will be like when I get to heaven. I have this dream that I'm walking through the gates of heaven when I see the most beautiful thing in my life. Jesus is smiling at me with Sherina standing next to him holding Madison. And Maddie is smiling at me with these big gray eyes. And the next thing I know I'm holding my baby again and it feels so good. It's like no time has passed since we said goodbye. I wonder a lot of things. Will I be an old lady or the young mother that she had to leave behind? Will I get a chance to do all the things I so what to do like hold her and rock her and sing her to sleep? Will she still have the little soft wispy light brown curls that she was born with? I can still feel her little head in my hands sometimes. Her hair was so soft and pretty long for only being 24 weeks along. She would have had a head full of curls. She had lots of little ringlets on the top of her head. I wish someone had kept some for me. I've had a couple of dreams about me walking in a beautiful field holding Madison in my arms or holding her little hand as she walked by my side. I love dreaming about her. If I can't be with her right now at least I can have her in my dreams.

Naruto Hundo

So far I've watched 22 1/2 hours of Naruto in the past day and a half, and I'm still loving it. Robert and I took off work yesterday and starting watching at 5 AM. I'm completely in love with this series and even though I've seen almost all of the episodes I still have to watch them again. I'm months and months ahead of the English episodes that come on Cartoon Network because I watch the Japanese episodes with subtitles online. But there were about 3 episodes that I missed while I was in the hospital and a couple of weeks after Madison passed away, and I'm the type of person to watch things I like again and again. So this weekend will probably be the most "unproductive" weekend I've had in a long time. Because there are about 28 more hours of episodes left that will play over the next 2 days, and I only plan to miss 2 hours tomorrow when we go to church. I don't really care if anyone thinks this is pathetic for 2 grown people to spend 3 days doing nothing but watching an anime. I think it's healthy to do something just fun and lazy sometimes. So it's time for me to get back to my green tea and quality TV time. Talk to ya later.

Doctor's Visit

I had my 1st visit with the nephrologist or the kidney specialist that my OB/GYN referred me to a couple of weeks ago. We needed to find out if there was some underlying reason why my blood pressure doesn't stay leveled even though I'm on 3 medications and huge dosages of them. After waiting in the waiting room for almost 2 hours, I finally got to go in to do blood work and the usual wee in a cup. It was a welcome change from dozing off every 5 minutes in a slippery leather chair. I finally saw the doctor after being there for 2 1/2 hours. He went through the usual:

Lose weight
Exercise
Low sodium diet

No duh! I've heard this song and dance too many times to count.

Then he starting going over my meds and dosages. He decided to take me off my Benicar since I plan to have more children and he feels that anyone that can possibly get pregnant should not be on it at all. He took me off of my Methldopa and the irritating 4 times a day dosage schedule. Yay!!! He put me on a new drug that I will take at bedtime and he upped my dosage of Labetalol. The new drug is good for now and throughout any pregnancy. So now I don't have to drop meds as soon as I get pregnant again. I can keep my body on what it's used to. So now I only take pills in the morning and at bedtime. I'm excited and I pray that this works. This will be much easier for me to keep my dosages on time and not miss any.

I had a horrible migraine that started while I was waiting at the doctors and just got worse as the day went on. I ended up staying in the dark in bed all night once I got home from work. It was gone this morning thankfully and hopefully won't come back.

Returned due to Defects

I asked Rob for a divorce for the 4th or 5th time since Maddie died. And like always he said no. I just feel so fucking defective. Yesterday my period shows up almost a week early. WTF?!!! I can't even have a normal cycle now. I just feel like why would he want to stay with a defective woman. I think Maddie was a fluke. That's why I was sick as a dog from 7 weeks until 20 weeks. And as soon as that went away my blood pressure went haywire. I just feel like I was never supposed to get as far as I did with Madison that's why I haven't been able to get pregnant and stay pregnant since then. What the hell is wrong with my body that I can't do something that so many other women do like it's nothing? And since it hasn't been a year of trying without a pregnancy I get to suffer for another 7 months before a doctor will start any type of testing or treatments. Great. I will have lost my fucking mind by then. So that's why I feel I should be returned to the used and broken pile and if my husband wants any chance at a child that's more than a memory he should move on. But he's stubborn and won't. He loves me too much, and that's good for me. His optimism that we will have another child is all that I have some days.

What do I have to look forward to?

I hear this all day long and everyday someone tells one of the new moms "Just you wait. He will be doing this or that before you know it." I laugh at the joke if I'm in the conversation, but if I'm sitting alone at my desk I want to cry. I don't have those simple joys to look forward to anymore. I'll never see Madison crawl or take a step. She'll never call my name. I'll never be able to change her diaper or feed her. I don't have anything except a c-section scar, a broken heart and memory box. My new doctor says I should lose a lot of weight before we try again. And we were going to follow that, but I can't. I have to have some control over my life. I'm sick and tired of doctors telling me what I can and can't do. I listened and what did it get me. So that's over. I will be the master of my own destiny. I will stay on weight watchers while we start trying for another baby. I will not put my life on hold in hopes of losing some pounds. Because you know what no one can guarantee me that even if I got to my goal weight that I want get Preeclampsia again. No one can guarantee me that I won't go home from the hospital with an empty belly and empty arms. I know lots of skinny, healthy BMI girls that babies are angels just like mine. And I know lots of big, beautiful women that have their healthy babies at home with them. So come what may, I'm putting it all in God's hands. And let His will be done.

Memory Quilt

We finished the quilt square that I volunteered to make for the Preeclampsia Foundation's fund raising event in October. The memory quilt is going to be made and auctioned off at this year's Saving Grace Event. The queen size quilt will be made up of 42 - 12 inch squares. It is a special way to remember and honor the Moms and angels who have been lost to PE as well as those who are survivors of PE. Saving Grace is the Preeclampsia Foundation's national fund raising event to help fund research and education. And since I won't be able to travel to Boston this year for the event I had to make sure to do my part to help.

The square is made up of:

6 stars for each month she lived inside of me and she will always be the light of our lives
Ladybugs because that was one of her first nicknames
Her statistics
1 Monarch butterfly because everytime I see one I think of her

I miss you so much

Homesick by MercyMe

Chorus 1
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is
Then I'm out of place
Lord won't You give me strength
To make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Verse 1
You're in a better place
I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times
I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken
The reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

Verse 2
Help me Lord
'Cause I don't understand Your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But even if You showed me
The hurt would be the same
'Cause I'm still here
So far away from home

Misc 1
(BRIDGE)
In Christ
There are no goodbyes
And in Christ
There is no end
So I'll hold on to Jesus
With all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

Chorus 2
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is
Then I'm out of place
Lord won't You give me strength
To make it through somehow
Won't You give me strength
To make it through somehow
Won't You give me strength
To make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Guess What?

The scale finally started moving in the downward direction. I'm down 7 pounds from last week. Maybe it's the Fuze drinks in combination with trying to actually eat better. Maybe sweating like a pig last night helping Robert work in our yard helped. I was shocked, but this will just help me keep my eyes on the prize. One step closer to being healthier! Once I'm down like 50 pounds I might actually admit my starting weight, but not right now.

We did some shopping this weekend since it was our state's no tax weekend. But not really because the only tax you didn't have to pay was state taxes. We still had to pay city and parish taxes, but hey the 4% off helped. We returned a ceiling fan to Home Depot and got another one to put in the nursery. So now we can get more of the renovations done. It's kind of hard to work in a room with no light. We also picked up some house stuff like an additional fan for our bedroom. It's freaking hot in there sometimes. I finally went by Tuesday Mornings and I love it!!! I got 2 Calphalon baking sheets for $20.00, a great wine bottle opener, and some other cooking things for great prices. I also got a beginners knitting set that has a hat and baby booties for a couple of bucks. It's never too early to plan.

I'm sick and tired

*** Warning This is NOT Censored****

If I read one more story about someone having another kid like it's nothing. If I have to listen to one more stupid conversation between my co-workers about babies. If I see one more thread on the message board about breast feeding moms or new moms or bellybeans or formula feeding moms I will puke. If I see another big fat preggo I'm going to fucking lose my mind. It's like the world is a huge shining example of how big a fucking loser and failure I am. I would be in the so small percentage of people that lose their baby to pre-eclampsia. Only 5-8% of pregnancies are affected by this disease and an even smaller amount actually lose their child. I made it past the miscarriage stage. She was growing great. I was almost to my 3rd trimester and then it all went to shit. What the hell? Why am I such a freak? Most people don't even treat me like I've had a child. It's like she never was to most people. I don't give a fuck if it makes you uncomfortable to talk of the taboo dead baby, but no shit Sherlock it happens. How the hell do you think I feel when you don't acknowledge the one person in my life that never did anything but love me? I have her pictures on my desk at work. Only one person has ever asked me about the pictures. I have so much hurt and anger inside of me for the way people I though were my friends treated me when she died. They never said I'm sorry or anything like that. They just sent me a get well card. They never mentioned her again. It's like she vanished into nothingness. I tried to reach out to them because I thought maybe they were afraid of hurting me. I sent them a link to Madison's memorial page and do you think they ever said a word. Only one person replied and told me it was nice. Everyone else acted like they never got an email from me. So after that I gave up, but I'll never forget. Most of these people have children of their own, and how would they feel if they were in my shoes. Would they want people to cast aside their child? Should I treat her like they did in the old days and just move on and have one to replace her? Never speak her name again. Destroy everything that has something to do with her. I will never ever get over the lose of my daughter. I will never forget her. She is irreplacable. She was and always will be my firstborn.

I will scream it from the highest mountain:

Madison Sherina Renee lived and will always be my daughter!!!!

I did not die young,

I lived the span of my life within your body,

And within your love.

If you would honour me,

Then speak my name and number me amongst your family.

If you would honour me,

Then strive to live in love,

For in that love I live.

Never ever doubt that we will meet again,

And until that day I will grow in Heaven and wait for you.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow,

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight.

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room,

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there, I do not die.

By: Mary Elizabeth Frye

Feeling like Sludge

I went to bed or at least I took a long nap when I got home from work yesterday. That was nice, but I woke up at 9 and I was starving. So we ended up eating some fast food junk and my stomach didn't appreciate that at all. So I was queasy for the rest of the night and woke up feeling like crap. So I'm sitting here at my desk trying to figure out what the hell is going on with one of my tariff filings and my stomach is a mess. Ughhhh. I'll have a Fuze drink for breakfast just for today because I don't want any food right now and have a nice Lean Cuisine Panini for lunch.

I'm thinking of signing up for Weight Watchers again in hopes that paying for it will help motivate me to stay OP. I did so well the last time I was actually a paying member by losing 50 pounds, but since then I've gained almost all of it back. I know that I will feel better once I start losing weight again, but I've always been one to eat based on my moods. And being depressed means that I eat junk and a lot of it. Food is for living not a crutch or a way to make yourself feel better. I want to get back to my wedding weight and then I want to get below it. I want to feel good again. I just don't have the same drive or motivation that I used to have. I'm in a slump that I know I have to get myself out of fast.

I've been looking for another half marathon near by me to sign up for to motivate me to get off my lazy ass again. I'm thinking of signing up for the Dallas Running Club Half Marathon on Nov. 4. My brother lives in Plano so I could stay with him that weekend and do the race that Sunday morning. Sounds like a plan to me.

Visiting the sick

Robert and I took off work yesterday to spend the day with his dad in the hospital. He just had back surgery on Monday. The hospital he's in is like 1 1/2 away so it was a nice drive for us to just talk. His dad is doing good, but damn can that man talk. I took my Harry Potter book to read and everytime it got really good he'd brake my train of thought with some stupid story. How many times does he think I want to hear about a fishing story from 15 years ago!!!!! Thank God my BFF Kelley was off work yesterday. She rescued me and we had a good time just out and about in town. We went to Cheeburger Cheeburger, and it was great! Bad, bad, bad Weight Watchers girl :) Their hamburgers, onion rings, and peppermint cookie shake was so yummy! I will have to go again with Robert soon. Then we did some shopping on the Boardwalk. I got a new shade of my favorite lip gloss, Buxom by Bare Minerals. It's called Brandy, and it's a sexy wine shade. Love it!!! I love Kelley's new car, a Mazda CX-7. It's tricked out with all the tech and luxury features too. I'll do a happy dance once I can get rid of my Grand Am. We spend about 5 hours out, but I came back to the hospital early since I knew Rob was hungry and waiting for me to bring some food.

We stayed with his dad until about 10 and then made the drive back home. The last 2 hours there were rough because his pain meds had worn off and he was hella bitchy! He griped out every nurse, tech, and assistant that came in there. By the time we got home it was after midnight and I was like a zombie. Rob let the dogs in and fed them and we crashed because 6:30 comes quickly. So today I had a nice big bottle of Fuze Slinderize Fruit Punch flavor and I'll be going to be nice and early when I get off work.