Hope springs eternal

I've been very busy this week. I've been working my ass of at work with filings and lots of meetings. By the time I get home I don't do much of anything. We did get 2 new pets this past weekend. 2 baby turtles: 1 painted and 2 razor back. They are both about the size of a quarter, and too cute. They are total opposites. Mine, the painted one, loves to swim and float near the top of the water. He's constantly moving. Rob's the razor back is a bottom dweller that likes to be hidden by rocks or tucked in his shell. Mine is named Ichigo after one of my favorite anime characters that has orange hair. My turtle has an orange stripe down his back. Rob's is named Kamadachi which means turtle sword in Japanese. I've got pictures of them, but I haven't had a chance to upload them yet. I will soon because they are too cute!!!

Today I had a doctor's appointment with a new OB/GYN. My appointment was for 10:30, but I didn't see him until about 12:10. That pissed me off, but as soon as I started to talk to him it was worth the wait. He never mentioned my weight at all. We went over my history and what we've done on our trying to conceive journey. He wants me to come in for some lab work on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday or next week to make sure I am in deed ovulating. Then we will schedule an HCG, which is a procedure to make sure my tubes are not blocked. Then we will take it from there. It was so refreshing to talk about actual plans. He listened to me, and made suggestions of what we should do. He never made me feel like I was to blame for anything. We discussed what we will do when I do get pregnant like meds, close monitoring, and possibly bedrest early on. I have hope now. I've finally found a good doctor. I was beaming from ear to ear when I left. We've finally got a plan!

Answers?

After making my previous post and catching up on some of the blogs I read, I came back and happened to read the daily bible verse on my own blog.

Ask and it shall be given you, seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you.
(Luke 11:9)

Isn't that just an obvious answer to all my moaning, groaning, tears, and frustration? I've asked now I just have to wait. I guess I need to start praying for patience too.

Wall Flower

We had a business trip this past Thursday to Shreveport. It's only about 1 1/2 hours away, but I knew I should be prepared with my mp3 player full of music and videos. I knew that with a van full of mothers the conversation would soon turn to babies. I would be able to smile and listen happily to some of it, but I knew at some point I would have to retreat to my corner of the world. It's like being at a ball that starts with the guys inside and the girls outside sitting on a bench. One by one the girls are chosen to be mothers. And one by one they leave to go inside to the ball. You hear all the laughter and you can see the smiling faces. But then you remember that you're still outside of the party. I used to love being online chatting with friends, but one by one they all went inside to the ball. I still try to keep up with their lives, but it hurts too much sometimes. Especially when you're still outside, and others are having their 2nd and 3rd trips to the ball. I got to go inside to the ball once, but only for a moment. I blinked and I was back outside alone sitting on the bench. When will I get to dance again?

Decisions

I've been praying for months for God's guidance on the whole adoption thing. I know in my heart that we could adopt a child that we would love as our own. But the expense of the whole process scares the crap out of me. We're by no means wealthy, but we make too much for most grants. We don't have enough in savings to pay for the whole thing unless we go through the state. And that's not really what we want to do. Every baby/toddler I've looked at that's available for adoption through the state has severe disabilities. And with both of us working full time we can't care for a child like that. We were faced with having a child that could be severely handicapped with Madison, but that was different. That was what God gave us, we didn't go looking for it. I wouldn't have thought twice about quiting my job to stay home with Maddie if she needed that.

But now I'm thinking that maybe I've gotten the sign I was praying for with the children's home losing our paper work. Maybe this isn't the path God wants for us. We never gave up trying to conceive another child, and I doubt we would until we were actually matched with a child. I just don't get what's taking so long. We were blessed to get pregnant fairly quickly with Maddie just by keeping track of my cycles and looking up my projected fertile times online. It took us 6 months and 9 cycles to get pregnant with the baby I miscarried. That time I charted, took ovulation tests, had a fertility monitor, and used some supplements.

Now we quickly approaching a year since my last pregnancy and we've gotten nothing, absolutely nothing at all. I've tried everything I can think of from charting, to supplements, to sex plans, to teas and creams. I'm always online looking for something new that might be the key. You name it, I've probably tried it. Right now I'm feeling very crunchy earth mother like drinking a couple of cups of red clover infusion tea everyday to hopefully increase my fertility. I think the whole theory that you're super fertile after a miscarriage is bunk! I'm about 2 months from my annual visit with the gyno so I guess I'll start bitching and moaning to get some testing done then. It's so hard to get an appointment with the doctors group I plan to go to. If you're not pregnant or dying your appointment will be about 3-4 months from when you call to make it.

Rob's granddad had another heart attack this weekend. He's doing good right now, but it still scared me. I know how much it would mean to him for us to have another healthy baby. And I want our baby to get to know their great-grand parents too. So every month that we come up empty I feel like I'm not just letting myself down, but I'm letting down a lot of people.

So full of emotions

I'm hurting. I'm sad. I'm weepy. I'm just plain tired of working so hard for something that is so easy for so many people. All I want is to be a mother again. Is that too much to ask for? In the past week I have heard about so many people getting pregnant AGAIN. Some of these people are deserving, but so many others are not. I don't give a damn if its wrong to say who deserves to have a child and who doesn't. Because all of you PC stick up your ass people know you agree with me. You may not have the nerve to ever say it, but you do. You know there are lots of people that should be spayed or neutered just like a pet because if they aren't they will keep increasing the population and expecting everyone else to pay for it. Today is one of those days when I have to choose between curling up in a ball and dying or trying to continue carrying the cross I have to bear.

I've been sitting here at my desk working and trying to block out the world by listening to my music. When a song comes on that makes me just stop and listen. It's like my little angel knew her mama needed a kick in the ass today, and she was the only person who could do it. These are the words I just heard:

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes...

This miracle God gave to me
gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes...

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daugter's eyes

Happy Valentines Day!

I'm having a wonderful day in the world of corporate rules and regulations, and counting the hours until I can get the hell out of here. Rob gave me my valentines early since I was having a crappy night last night. I got the sweetest card from Madison and one from Rob too with a big huge heart of Russel Stovers chocolates. I can't wait to plow through those. I love my little angel and my skwerl master. We're planning a simple evening at home after band practice since restaurants bite on valentine's day. So Rob is going to try out a new recipe I found for sweet and hot tofu over rice. Then we will play some games on the wii. That's about it for us.

My friend, Mesa, sent me this video and I have to share it with everyone in honor of all the "real couples" out there. You'll know what I mean when I say "real couples" after you watch the video :)

Happy Birthday, Robert

Today is Rob's 28th birthday. We both took the day off to just do whatever he wanted to do. We slept late then got up and had a late breakfast at IHOP. We bought Maddie some flowers and spent some time out visiting her. I'm going to cook his favorites for dinner tonight, lasagna and pineapple upside down cake. Right now he's enjoying his big birthday gift that his sis and I got him. She sent some money for me to find a gift for him. I put that with my funds and got him a rocking bare bones computer system. It's got a great processor and lots of RAM with lots of upgrading capabilities. He can't wait for it to get here Friday so he's doing all kinds of research for add-on components. I was just happy to give him something he's been wanting for a while. It's wonderful to make him smile. He's my best friend and I'm so blessed to have him. Happy birthday, sweetheart. We love you!

WTF?

Not to sound judgmental, but I probably will anyway, but why the hell does every freak and idiot in the world have a baby? WHY? WHY? WHY? I was in a store at lunch and ran into a couple that looked like they had jumped out a time warp from the 60's. I mean they were the epitome of dirty hippies. The guy looked like he was allergic to soap and water. And they are carrying a baby carrier. What the fuck is wrong with us that we've been trying for almost another year since our miscarriage and haven't gotten jack shit for it? I'm just waiting to go back to the doctor for my annual exam and have some tests run only to find out that I'm going through menopause or somehow, someway I'm really a man. That would be my fucking luck.

Doctors

I've been thinking on and off for a long time about what doctor I would use if I got pregnant again. My 1st OB, Dr. P, was a pretty good doctor until all hell broke loose and Madison died. Then she just seemed like she didn't know what to do with me. I don't know if she's never had a baby die before or not, but she didn't give me the attention I really needed. She was distant. She came to see me everyday that week after Maddie was born. But it was just a couple of questions like "How are you feeling?" Then she would say "Ok. I'll see you tomorrow on my rounds." I was so outside of myself then I didn't know what to say to her. I didn't know how to express my questions. I didn't even really know what questions I should have had. But I don't think it was my responsibility to make her feel better or to know what to say to get the help I needed. Even when I saw her at my 6 week appointment I didn't know what to say. It was a brief exam and a brief talk about what we can do next time and how we didn't know things were going to go to hell in a hand basket like they did. And I left that day feeling no better.

My next visit to see Dr. P was for Baby Douglas #2. This was a nice visit. She was talking about being very proactive and getting me in to the maternal medicine specialists in a couple of weeks, and starting aspirins to help with blood flow to the baby. We did an ultrasound that day even though I was only 5 weeks. She found a little dot that she thought was the baby. But soon after that visit, I started to bleed. I knew in my heart I was miscarrying. I'm not a bleeder. I called Dr. P and she got me in a couple of hours later for an ultrasound, and she didn't find a baby. She sent me to the ultrasound specialist for a more in depth one that confirmed that I had miscarried. The tech called Dr. P and she just said she was sorry and that things hopefully will take care of themselves in the next day or so. She would be out of town for a couple of days, but I will have to have some blood work done to make sure my levels dropped to 0. That was the last I heard from her. Our 2nd baby fell out of me while I was on the toilet a couple of days later. But no one cared except for Rob and I. No tests, no nothing from my doctor. I had 3 more blood tests over the next couple of weeks before my levels finally dropped to 0, but I never heard from her.

My BFF suggested that I visit Dr. B. She started going to him after her pregnancy that had been handled by Dr. P. She told me that Dr. P hadn't help save her baby. She didn't know what was going on with her. She didn't see that she was dying and that her baby needed steroids to develop her lungs because she would have to be born early. The doctor that saved her was another doctor in their practice, Dr. L. He was the one that saw the signs when Dr. P went to him for help on her case. He was the one that saved my goddaughter's life. But it's been almost 6 years now and BFF moved to Dr. B. He was the one that actually ran the tests to see if BFF has a disorder or if this was a one time thing.

I visited Dr. B in July. I like that he's not part of a group of doctors so most likely you will always see him from beginning to end. Since it's just him in his office you don't walk into a waiting room full of gigantic bellies and new babies every time you go to the doctor. It's just a little heartbreaking to have to see that every time you go to the doctor. I liked that he spent almost a hour talking with Rob and I about my past history and our plans to try again. He ordered my medical history to read over. He sent me to a kidney specialist to have tests run to check for underlying issues with my blood pressure. And then he suggest that I lose weight. He told us to stop trying until I lost about 100 pounds. He suggested that I look into weight loss surgery. That suggestion made me not like him that much anymore. I know I need to lose weight, but I refuse to put my whole life on hold to lose weight. There's no guarantee that if I lost 100 or 150 pounds that I would get pregnant and come home with a healthy baby. I've met more woman than I can count that were in excellent physical shape that pregnancies were struck down by Pre-Eclampsia.

So a couple of weeks ago I got to thinking where would I go if I got pregnant again? Would I give Dr. B another chance even though I haven't lost enough weight yet? Would I try Dr. L since he was the "smart" one in my BFF's pregnancy? Or would I go back to Dr. P, and just accept that she doesn't have a good bedside manner? I'm so much smarter now about what happened to me. I know the signs, and I know what questions to ask. I know what I need to get to have the best possible pregnancy. But I'm still not really sure who I will trust with my life next time.

Not ready

I'm not ready for the weekend to end. I'm not ready to go back to work tomorrow. I know I have a ton of work to do there and it sucks. I've been trying to get things together and cleaned up at the house this weekend and tried to get some rest. I haven't had much in the way of rest though. Friday night we cleaned a bit and had Chinese take out which was great. We finally watched Super Bad on dvd. And all I have to say is that was some funny stuff. I was laughing the whole time. We slept in until 11 on Saturday and ran by the post office to pick up a package. We cleaned most of the house and install a new set of sliding doors in between the living room and the dining room. Now the dogs are really confused because their "cut-through" is now closed off.

While we were cleaning Rob's mom called for help. She was out about 30 miles from home sneaking around looking at some land to buy and managed to get her xTerra stuck in the mud! She called us basically because she didn't want her husband to know she had been out there looking for somewhere for them to move. They have been "moving" for at least 20 years now. But a gravel and mud road out in the country away from civilization ain't it. She ended up having to call a tow truck to get her out since she was stuck sideways in the muck, mud, and mire. After that adventure we spent the rest of the evening on the couch watching tv.

Today we went to church and then to lunch with our friend, Phillip. We went to a fairly new bar and grill called Portico. This was our first time since they are usually packed, and I hate going to packed restaurants and waiting forever to eat. The turkey and avocado club with sweet potato fries was delicious. I know I shouldn't have, but I had to have a big slice of cheesecake topped with strawberries for dessert. Yum! I had bible study this afternoon and then our church had a Fish and Fellowship this evening. Right now the fellowship part is going on while I sit in my computer booth and blog. I'm waiting until it's time for me to do something. I'm not that into in hymn singing so I just chill out until the band starts to play. But I do enjoy the Young at Heart choir because I think some old people are so adorable. Hopefully the rest of my evening will be nice and relaxing.

Car Decor

I'm excited and very pleased. I ordered a personalized window decal for my car from Remembering Our Babies. I've wanted one for a while, but I finally did it Friday. It showed up last night! I wasn't expecting it so fast. It looks great too. It says In Memory Of Madison Sherina Renee May 13, 2006 with baby footprints in the middle. Now my baby girl has made her mark on her mama's new ride. If you get a chance check out the store. It's great and has tons of things for people who want to remember their precious angel or angels in someway.

Adoption Frustrations

I'm not sure if I should be fuming mad or not. I finally got one of the social workers from the agency we want to use to call me back. She tells me that she remembered reading our interest letter, but they don't know what happened to it. They've also lost our application/survey. WTH!!! I mailed it all back to them at the beginning of December. I didn't call about it because my co-worker that used them for her adoption said that they wouldn't get anything done during the holidays. And also they were going through a lot since their main adoption person was retiring. So I gave them more time. I started calling a couple of weeks ago, but I would never get a call back. The receptionist always said that she would find our file and have some call us. Finally today I get a call back. Well, now I see why we never got a call back!!!!! Ughhhh!!!!!! The social worker I talked to seems very nice and apologized several times. She asked if we would re-send our letter to them. And she is mailing us another application today to fill out. I just don't know if I should keep trying with them. They seem so unorganized right now. Why can't anything ever be simple?

My new baby

I'm finally free of the horror which was my lemon of a car also known as the Grand Am from Hell. I've hated that thing since about 6 months after I got it. It had brake problems all the time. It was in the shop 18 times in about a year and half. It really pissed me off since I bought that car brand new with 10 miles on it. But since it was under warrenty I was stuck taking it to a GM shop, and there is only 1 that specializes in Pontiac vehicles in my area. I ended up filing a lawsuit through my state's lemon laws against GM because they could never get the brakes fixed in a way that would stay fixed. Usually they would fix the brakes and they would be back to sounding horrible in a couple of days. When I got that car my brother, who's a auto loan officer, told me not to. But I was hardheaded. I wanted that car because I had been in love with them since high school. I should have listened. So this time I called him first after I started looking at cars. I consulted him on everything, and I ended up with a great deal on a great car. I bought a 2008 Chevy Equinox last Thursday. I just love it. It's got plenty of room for little ones and we can haul things if we need to. I love the way it drives even though I'm still getting used to parking a larger vehicle. I haven't taken any pictures of mine yet, but this one looks just like it.

I got "tagged"

I guess this is the online equivalent to Duck, Duck, Goose. My friend, Mesa, tagged me on her blog so I guess I'm "It" now. I've really gotten to know Mesa much better over the past year. Our daughters play in the clouds together on a regular basis :)

The Rules: Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
Then: Share 5 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
or Share the 5 top places on your “want to see or want to see again” list.
or Share 5 things you never pictured being in your future when your were 25 years old.

I'm not even sure which one to pick. But I guess I'll go with 5 things you never pictured being in your future when your were 25 years old.

1. Being happily married to "Cuffs".
Robert and I went to school together since junior high. We knew each other and that's about it. I was Miss School Spirit and he was Most Likely to Blow Up the School. He used to be a very short, chunky nerd that wore jeans that were way too long for him. So he had these huge, I mean like 3-4 inch tall cuffs on his pants. It was hilarious. But thankfully he grew taller and started buying pants in the right length.

2. Working for a company that I like.
I had been working for Chase for 5 years and I felt like I was going to trapped there forever. I couldn't get another decent paying job in my town to save my life. But finally I got hired at CenturyTel and I've been here ever since.

3. Proud mama to an angel
I always thought it was easy to get pregnant and have a baby. The getting pregnant with Madison was easy, but she was only meant to stay with us for a little while. But I wouldn't trade those 6 months for anything in the world.

4. Still living in Monroe
I always planned to move away as soon as I graduated college. I wanted to leave the small country town for the bright lights of a cool city like Dallas or Atlanta. But things didn't work out that way. And I'm glad I stayed because I didn't meet Robert again until I was 24 which was 2 years after I had planned to move away.

5. Home body
Ever since I could drive I've loved being on the road. I've never liked just being at home. I was always partying at someone's house or just cruising all night long. But now I like just coming home and plopping down on my couch for some TV or to play my Wii.

I'm supposed to tag another blogger so I guess I'll pass the fun on to my favorite intellectual , deep thinker, Niobe.

Freaky Cool

Robert sent me a link to this video. You just have to watch it. It's really amazing.