Still running 90 MPH everyday. I have only had 1 relaxing day so far, and I'm 2 weeks into my 3 week leave. Tomorrow, Fuzzy has to go for a 2 day overnight visit. In order to keep me sane, Rob and I are going on a short trip. I can't bear to be in the house without Fuzzy. At least if I'm not here, I will only worry about him 95% of the time he's gone. I've been talking with an attorney that's friends with my brother about whether or not we should obtain legal representation. My brother is worried about us getting a lawyer because one of his friends is a social worker in TX, and she says that she has seen foster parents dropped for getting a lawyer. The department looks at it as you are working against them instead of being part of their team. I just don't know. I don't want to go to court in December and the judge ignore us or evidence never make it into the case, and Fuzzy gets shipped home. I want us to do everything in our power to make sure that his interests and safety and happiness are preserved. But I don't want things to backfire on us either.

One good thing is that my new med is still working good. My blood pressure has been staying in a great range. The chiropractic sessions are going good too. I don't think that I will continue going 3 times a week for much longer, but we will see. My health insurance only pays for 20 visits...humph

Well, gotta go the kids are finishing up dinner and I still need to finish packing everyone up.

Sick people

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. A lot has happened and a lot hasn't happened. I'm on medical leave right now because of my blood pressure being sky high for the last few months. It finally started to take a real toll on me and start messing with my vision a couple of weeks ago. So I took some time to see my doctor and he was not pleased. My average readings over the past 3 months had been in the 200's/ 100's. My blood pressure should stay below 130/80. He wanted me to go on leave immediately, but I put it off another 2 weeks because there was just too much going on at work to walk out without any notice. So I will be trying to get myself together over the next few weeks.

I started seeing a chiropractor this week. I've read a lot of studies that show that if certain vertebrae are out of alignment or pressing on certain nerves it can cause your blood pressure to be higher than it should be. And yep, I have both of those issues. Who would have thunk it? So I've been popped, cracked, sqooshed, and pulled more than I ever wanted to be in my life this week, and I have a lot more to go.

My doctor finally has the time to switch my medicines from the ones that I was put on when I was pregnant. I'm glad because this means hopefully taking less medicine to control my blood pressure better. He was being cautious changing my meds because I might not respond well to getting off a medicine I've been on for over 3 years. So I needed to be resting and monitored closely.

We were supposed to have buttons put in Fuzzy's ears today, but Monday we found out he had bronchitis. This is after the BM actually showed up and signed the papers for his surgery. So now we're enjoying the 3 times a day nebulizers and lots of meds. Hopefully we will get him well soon so we can get him back on the schedule for the surgery he so desperately needs.

Last weekend, Rob's mother scared the crap out of us by saying she thought L had the mumps. L had complained on and off about the side of her lower jaw hurting and it was slightly swollen. I knew she was behind on her immunizations, but she has had the one for mumps. Rob took her to the after hours clinic and they ruled out mumps, strep, and mono...Thank God! She has some infection so she's on an antibiotic and a decongestant.

Oh yeah and on top of all this fun, my allergies have been acting a fool and Aunt Flow shows up 2 weeks early. Ain't life grand!

This weekend has been very tiring and I'm thankful it's finally slowed down enough for me to just sit on the couch for a while while the kids play. Our A/C went out Friday which sucked! My buddy wasn't able to get out to the house until Sunday afternoon so it was hot as hell in here until then. He was able to patch it until we can get a new start-up capacitor. Hopefully it won't be too expensive. I've also been cleaning the house from top to bottom and doing tons and tons of laundry. The end of this process is in sight. Hallelujah!

L has been acting up a lot lately. She's got a nasty attitude toward both Rob and I. She's been rolling her eyes and refusing to do things. She's trying to boss Rob around by hitting and yelling at him. It took almost 2 hours to get her to eat her lunch today when I know that she was hungry and that it was food that she likes. If I say one word to her sometimes she starts screaming and crying. It doesn't matter what I say or how I say it. I thought things were getting better, but now it's back to me wondering if she needs to live with us or not.

Fuzzy is walking a lot better now, and actually walks more than crawls most days. Tomorrow afternoon we have a court hearing on his case. We're not expecting much to happen, but we will be there to testify if asked. Friday is L's next FTC so I will go to that one this time instead of Rob. Then the week after all of this, Fuzzy will be having tubes put in. His CW is going to ask the judge to give us permission to sign for his anesthesia because they feel like his BM will be a no show when she has to come sign the day of the surgery. She doesn't think he needs the surgery even though they have explained to her several times about his chronic ear infections and the possibility that he could lose his hearing. But she's thick headed and thinks that this is normal. It's not normal for a 1 year old to have had 9 ear infections! I'm praying that they get the order so that we can get him the surgery he needs without having to worry with her stupidity.

I'll keep ya'll posted on what's going on in my world. I hope everyone has a great Labor Day. TTYL!

4 Years

I meant to post this yesterday, but I was so busy that I didn't get a chance. Yesterday, was our 4th wedding anniversary. We didn't do anything special, but we're hoping if time permits to take a little getaway at the end of the month. A nice romantic, trip for 2 to see Metallica in concert in Dallas and have some good food. Yep, that's our kind of romance- metal and sushi. I still can't believe that it's been 4 years since I was a new bride. Time really does fly. I wonder if I'll be saying the same thing 21 years from now?

One of my favorite songs was and still is our wedding song, Nothing Else Matters by Metallica. Back then it meant that nothing in the world meant more to us than our love for each other and our relationship. When Madison was born, it expanded to our love for her. Now it's evolved even more. I'm so blessed that I listened to my heart and not my head, and stepped outside of my comfort zone to fall in love with Robert. He's rather strange to most people, but to me he's everything that I never knew I wanted or needed. I love you, Rob!

Metallica Lyrics

I can sum up me in one word: depressed. Nothing new has happened really. Fuzzy's case is at a stand still. His next court date is supposed to just be a 3 month review so nothing special. We will attend in case the judge wants to talk to us about the crap that went on with his overnight visits. L hasn't been progressing much, actually it depends on who she's around. She wants all of our attention so she tries to act like a baby around us, and it turns into a huge battle to get her to do somethings that we know she can do. She's not even trying to communicate with me most of the time. Her therapist and everyone has been working on getting her to point to what she wants. She was doing it for a while now not so much. I can sit down on the couch with some goldfish crackers. Fuzzy will come over to me and reach for the box or hold out his hand. She will stand about 4 feet away and just stare at me. If I ask her what do you want or say show me what you want. She will just stare or smile. To me that's not communicating correctly. It's so frustrating.

Our 4th wedding anniversary will be Wednesday, and the 4th anniversary of my sister's passing will be Friday. Madison was due on our 1st anniversary. I just wish I could get pregnant again. It's been almost 4 years since I got pregnant with Maddie. I wish I could be normal again. I want a child of my own that man can take away. I want to be able to take my child to the doctor and not have to explain that this child is not legally mine. I want to make decisions for my child without have to have a court order. I want to be a normal mother again.

I want the tears to stop welling up in my eyes as I type this. I want my husband to understand my pain. I want him to stop calling me cranky. I'm not simply "cranky". I'm not a baby nor an old woman. I'm angry, frustrated, brokenhearted, disappointed, run over, suffering, and so much more that I can't put into words. I need to be happy again.

A friend of mine posted this on her blog a while back, and it just feels right for me to share it again:

"A Pair of Shoes"
author unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Updates

We've been so busy and constantly running lately. It upsets me that we never got around to visiting Maddie's grave last month at all. I always said that I would go out there at least once a month because I was not going to be the parent that gets so busy in their life to neglect their angel. I will not miss another month.

Fuzzy stood up on his own today without using anything to help him! I think that he will start walking soon. It's hard to believe that it's almost been a year since he came to live with us. We've stopped trying to potty train L until she's willing and able to communicate with us consistently. She's still trying to pretend that she doesn't know how to feed herself correctly, but we know that she does because she does it at daycare and for other people like my mom. She's been saying more words on some days while other days she won't say much. I'm so glad that the speech therapy has started, and I can't wait until she's really talking with us like a normal 2 year old. She's a nice kid, but damn she can drive me crazy sometimes. But things have gotten much better over the past few weeks which is good.

I've started singing with my church's praise band, and it's been fun. I haven't sang with a group since high school. I've been practicing and I need to practice a lot more. I like to bring my "A" game to the table. We're working on a CD which took up a big chunk of my Saturday. We go back in the studio in 2 weeks to record my background vocals. So there will be a lot of singing going on in my house and car for the next couple of weeks.

I finally found out about my job, and I'm ok with the decision. I'm hoping that as everything gets lined out in the next few weeks that my job will be a lot less hectic and more structured.

Today was not a good day. I don't know why I'm always in a bad situation at work. I try to keep a low profile and just do a good job, but there is always something that happens to screw that all to hell. I can't say what happened, but my ass is in the crapper right now. Ughhhhh. It's not like I purposely did this, but people that I thought were adults overheard me tell another co-worker something that I didn't know was confidential and felt the need to spread it like the latest celebrity BS. Thanks a lot you nosy azz people!

One good note is that the kids liked my chicken and dumplings. They both were smiling and saying Mmmmmmm while they were eating. I'm glad that I'm actually getting L to eat some normal food instead of only eating spaghettios and Vienna sausage.

We've been running and running the past few weeks, and I'm looking for things to slow down at some point. The kids are doing fine. L is starting to act out more and more, and push us. She pushes Rob a lot more than me. Her speech therapy is going well. Some days she talks , and you can understand some of the things she says. While others she just babbles and points. Things are looking more and more like she will be with us for quite a while. They've almost exhausted all of their options of relatives that have come forward as possible placements. They're down to 2 that they are doing home studies on.

I still don't know anything about my job at this time. So I'm just working and hoping for the best. I'm putting it all in God's hands because worrying isn't going to get me anywhere.

I went shopping with Fuzzy and my mother-in-law, Kathey, yesterday since there were some awesome sales going on. We were having a tax free weekend too which just made things even better. I hit up my favorite seasonal upscale consignment shop, and got the kids a ton of fall/winter clothes. I also got a travel booster chair and some walking wings for Fuzzy for a total of $10! Then we went by the mall (which was freaking packed like it was Christmas). My back hurts because I forgot to pack the stroller so I had to carry Fuzzy most of the day. That little boy gets heavy fast.

In the middle of this, I was able to get in to my salon to get a trim. I hadn't had my hair cut in 4 months and desperately needed it. But I hated the way my hair looked when I was done because my stylists will get a little too "high fashion = big freaking wild hair" on you. Also my hair was really dry. My hair has gotten used to sulfate free shampoo. So when I finally made it home from shopping, (I can't believe I went all over town looking like an effing picked chicken) I gave myself a deep conditioning rinse with heat treatment which helped a ton. But all in all I'm satisfied with my salon visit because I got a good hair cut. Transitioning my hair from relaxed to natural has been an interesting journey. I've learned a lot about my hair, and I know I've got a lot more to learn as time goes on. But I'm lucky I found a great line of products fairly early on that have been a huge help for me.

Before
After
Well, it's past my bedtime so I'll be going for now.

Dear Evil Witch,

I would prefer it if you made your arrival either early or on time. When you are several days late, I can't help but get a faint glimmer of hope. I start to think that maybe this month we will get our blessing. I try to ignore the calendar when you're a day or two late since you're usually very early or perfectly on time. But when you're several days late, it pisses me off because I know that you will be here soon. I try to be a rational infertile and chalk up every "symptom" as PMS, but those pregnant fantasies still creep into my mind. I know, I know...I should know better by now. But please help a sister out and bring your ass on if you're coming to visit this cycle!

Sincerely,

Ashley aka The Temperamental Mama

Pity Party

I'm just feeling really low right now. I've been letting myself go for a while, in part due to stress and in part due to being depressed. Everyday I find out about another person that's a fat ass just like me has gotten pregnant and had a non-eventful pregnancy. They go home with their perfect child to lead normal lives. While, it's been 2 1/2 years since we've been trying and trying and trying with no change. I can't believe that some people have been trying so much longer than that, and somehow still have their sanity. I just don't know what to do. I want to try, but it's just one more thing that I will fail at again. I just want to get a chance to walk on easy street just once. I want to live a normal life. I want to be the only person that makes decisions for myself and my kids. I don't want to have to go to a bunch of meetings and let my kids be abused by someone just because a judge says so. I just want to be normal.

Updates

The FTC went pretty well. I got a chance to talk with the CASA supervisor since she sat in on the meeting, and she says that she will be in court the next time we go. She's a very nice woman that knows a lot about BM's history because she was with CASA when BM was a foster child several years ago. BM didn't even show up for the FTC. She claimed that she was sick, but she didn't call to tell anyone. She called about 15 minutes after the meeting started to return the CW's phone call. Everyone there was horrified by the photo of Fuzzy's behind after his last overnight visit. It will be presented to the judge. Nothing was changed on the case plan, but we're hoping the case will be changed to TPR when we go to court in September. I don't want to get my hopes up though.

Too cool

I wish I could have pulled off a wedding like this couple.

FTC

Tomorrow is the 2nd FTC, Family Team Conference, we will attend for Fuzzy's case. I'm starting to get nervous since I'll be going by myself because of work conflicts. I have Fuzzy's lifebook, a new picture to give the social worker showing how bad his butt looked after his last overnight visit, and reports from the daycare showing how his mood and health changes when he has these extended visits. I don't think I mentioned that he had an overnight visit the day after his birthday. He was brought back to daycare the day after the visit at 11 AM. The daycare called me at 1 to tell me that he had already had 3 nasty, painful blowouts. His bottom was bloody raw. I had to leave work early to go get him a couple of hours later after his 5th blowout. He was screaming in pain. I was in tears for my son. We're still trying to get his bottom back to normal and that was a week ago. Also the CW told me several other things that the BM had done wrong on that visit like being at her mom's house even though she's been ordered to keep Fuzzy away from there. The CW had to pick him up from there. The BM's mom volunteered the information that they had been feeding him whole milk and spaghetti! This child had not had any formula in 24 hours! WTF? How do you even think that it's a good idea to "wean" a baby overnight and feed him greasy spaghetti all day? CW has told me that they are planning on stopping the overnight visits because of all the problems and BM's inability to follow simple directions. I'm hoping that Fuzzy's attorney makes this meeting so I can meet her and talk with her. I know it would be too much to hope for termination to become the new case plan, but I can't help but hold out a little flicker of hope. Please keep me and Fuzzy in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow. I'll update as soon as I can. Thanks.

Play

I love just being a mom and watching my kids play.

Saturday

I'm enjoying my Saturday at home with not much to do. L is spending the day with my mom. My mom is determined to potty train her so I'm letting her try. My mother-in-law has taken her to use the big toilet a couple of times, and she's told Rob that she was about to wet her diaper a couple of times. She's never told me or given me any indication that she was ready to be potty trained. Also her lack of communication hasn't made me rush to start this transition. She just started speech therapy yesterday, so hopefully that will help her start communicating with us better and more consistently. Fuzzy took a nice nap, but woke up cranky as hell. He's now happily playing in his car while we watch Inuyasha. We're planning on grilling tonight which I'm looking forward to. After last weekend's festivities and constant running around it took me several days to fully recover so this lazy weekend is very much appreciated.

I know I promised more pictures from the party (and one from his birthday the next day), but I only have a couple that aren't full on face shots of Fuzzy. So here's what I've got.

Happy Birthday

My son turned one today, and I'm so happy and blessed to get to celebrate and share this milestone with him. He's changed so much over this past year. I was looking at pictures of him from when we got him and how he looks now. It's amazing to see him grow from a helpless, immobile baby to a very vocal, very, very mobile, opinionated, funny, happy little boy. His smile melts my heart everyday. Hearing him call me mama makes a bad day, a good day.
We took him to my stylist Friday to get his first real haircut. He looks so handsome. His birthday party was a lot of work, and we were exhausted and sore by the time it was done. But it was so worth it. We had lots of family and friends there all wishing Fuzzy a happy birthday. I'll post some pictures as soon as I get them uploaded. My bro took a bunch of shots for me too so hopefully it won't take him too long to send them to me. Everyone loved the hamburgers and hotdogs. Rob got lots of compliments on the food. I'm glad that putting the food in slowcookers to keep everything warm after he took it off the grill worked perfectly. We were able to grill a couple of hours of before we ate, and everything was still nice, hot, and juicy.

Fuzzy got a room full of toys and some clothes. He's sitting in one of his favorites right now, a Radio Flyer rocking horse. He will sit in that things for 30 minutes or more just bouncing and laughing. Thanks Auntie Kelley and Uncle Jim! He loves his Cozy Coupe, but he's still getting used to getting in and out of it himself, but he does loves opening and closing his car door. Thanks Tia Janet and Tio Corey! We officially need to buy another toy chest to hold all his gifts. We'll take our time introducing a new toy or toy to him every few days so. I tried not to stress too much about things that didn't turn out right or the stuff that we forgot to bring with us to the party. Everyone had a great time and that's what I wanted.

Fuzzy, Mama and Daddy love you with all our hearts. We're so thankful and blessed to have you in our lives and to get the privilede to be your parents. We pray that we will get to support and guide you through all of life's milestones. But no matter what happens, you will always be our son. We love you!

Party Time

I would have updated sooner if I heard from Fuzzy's CW earlier, but I just got a call from her today. She let me know that BM got mad when she told her that NO she wasn't going to get Fuzzy's for his birthday. That we had already planned to have him out of town weeks in advance. After getting an attitude didn't work then she tried the waterworks, but that didn't work either. CW just told BM that the judge had already approved it. Plus the district supervisor had decided that BM will not have anymore weekend visits for a while after reading our list of problems with his last visit. She will still have overnight visits sometimes because the judge ordered it. But the visits will be during the week so that CW can check up on Fuzzy and see how things are going. She will be able to see how he is when he leaves our care and how he is when he's returned to us. So his next visit will be Monday and CW will bring him back Tuesday morning to the day care. I'm not happy about the overnight visit, but I'm thankful that we will have our son with us for his birthday.

CW told me that they did go over our list of problems from the last visit with BM. And she actually had the nerve to try to say he had a diaper rash when we gave him to her, but she forgot to mention it to anyone or take a picture. Isn't that just convenient? It's nice that we have the day care backing us that no his butt was perfectly fine on Friday evening when I picked him up. But when he comes home Sunday afternoon his butt is raw.

I've still got tons to do to prepare for this weekend. And it's time for me to run and pick up the kids before band practice so gotta go!

Updates

Fuzzy's BM called about an hour ago saying that she didn't know that it was her day to have him. I don't know how else you need to explain to someone when you tell them every other Saturday. I think that's pretty simple. You get a damn calendar and you mark every other freaking Saturday from the start date! But I expected this. I know that she's thinking that if she didn't visit this weekend that next weekend (Fuzzy's birthday) would be her visit day. But I thought about this happening already so when these Saturday visits started I requested and received the judge's authorization to take Fuzzy to Dallas next weekend. BM just kept saying that she's planned him a party and all her family is traveling here for it from Phili and New Orleans. Yeah right! She said that she'll work something out with the social worker when she gets back in town next week. I just kept my mouth shut. BM is not going to ruin Fuzzy's 1st birthday. He will enjoy himself with the family he knows and loves.

Well, we were expecting to hear from Fuzzy's BM this morning because today was supposed to be his 2nd overnight visit. She didn't call us so we called her at 9 which should have been an hour before we met, and her phone went straight to voice mail. Rob left a message. I called back about 10:30, and got the same thing. We were told that she was having visits every other Saturday. CW is out of town right now, but we called and left her a message anyway. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'll be damned if she thinks she's getting him next weekend for his birthday. No ma'am because one it's not your week I don't care if you flaked out this weekend and two we've already gotten the judge's sign-off to take him to TX next weekend. I'm not calling anymore. I'm not keeper. I've done all that I think I should do.

Let's Get Ready to Rumble

I'm past fed up with the system and it's lack of work. Yesterday, transportation picked up Fuzzy at 9:30 from day care. They sent him with 4 diapers, some wipes, a jar of food, a bottle, and a change of clothes. He was dropped off at 1:45 PM with all 4 diapers, wet clothes (the same ones he left in), and a bottle full of cloudy water. He was starving. He had not been changed that entire time. WTF? Really? How can an office full of "professional workers" have a baby in their care for almost 5 hours and never bother to change him? How can you possibly teach his dumb ass BM how to parent him if you can't do it either? I can't be with him all the time, but stupid me thought that he would be ok with a bunch of social workers. His actual case worker is on vacation right now, but her supervisor was supposed to be there. I called the supervisor and basically got rushed off the phone. I told her what happened and asked her why this happened. All she said was that BM was supposed to change him during her visit. WTF? Aren't you supposed to make sure she does this? Aren't you supposed to make sure he's taken care of correctly? Or are you "too busy" to give a damn.

I'm in the process of gathering all of my documentation to send a copy to Fuzzy's attorney. I've never met her, but I have her address. It may not do any good, but I'm going to try anyway. Someone has to be willing to go to bat for this child. I will do everything I can for him as long as I can.