Pity Party

I'm just feeling really low right now. I've been letting myself go for a while, in part due to stress and in part due to being depressed. Everyday I find out about another person that's a fat ass just like me has gotten pregnant and had a non-eventful pregnancy. They go home with their perfect child to lead normal lives. While, it's been 2 1/2 years since we've been trying and trying and trying with no change. I can't believe that some people have been trying so much longer than that, and somehow still have their sanity. I just don't know what to do. I want to try, but it's just one more thing that I will fail at again. I just want to get a chance to walk on easy street just once. I want to live a normal life. I want to be the only person that makes decisions for myself and my kids. I don't want to have to go to a bunch of meetings and let my kids be abused by someone just because a judge says so. I just want to be normal.

Updates

The FTC went pretty well. I got a chance to talk with the CASA supervisor since she sat in on the meeting, and she says that she will be in court the next time we go. She's a very nice woman that knows a lot about BM's history because she was with CASA when BM was a foster child several years ago. BM didn't even show up for the FTC. She claimed that she was sick, but she didn't call to tell anyone. She called about 15 minutes after the meeting started to return the CW's phone call. Everyone there was horrified by the photo of Fuzzy's behind after his last overnight visit. It will be presented to the judge. Nothing was changed on the case plan, but we're hoping the case will be changed to TPR when we go to court in September. I don't want to get my hopes up though.

Too cool

I wish I could have pulled off a wedding like this couple.

FTC

Tomorrow is the 2nd FTC, Family Team Conference, we will attend for Fuzzy's case. I'm starting to get nervous since I'll be going by myself because of work conflicts. I have Fuzzy's lifebook, a new picture to give the social worker showing how bad his butt looked after his last overnight visit, and reports from the daycare showing how his mood and health changes when he has these extended visits. I don't think I mentioned that he had an overnight visit the day after his birthday. He was brought back to daycare the day after the visit at 11 AM. The daycare called me at 1 to tell me that he had already had 3 nasty, painful blowouts. His bottom was bloody raw. I had to leave work early to go get him a couple of hours later after his 5th blowout. He was screaming in pain. I was in tears for my son. We're still trying to get his bottom back to normal and that was a week ago. Also the CW told me several other things that the BM had done wrong on that visit like being at her mom's house even though she's been ordered to keep Fuzzy away from there. The CW had to pick him up from there. The BM's mom volunteered the information that they had been feeding him whole milk and spaghetti! This child had not had any formula in 24 hours! WTF? How do you even think that it's a good idea to "wean" a baby overnight and feed him greasy spaghetti all day? CW has told me that they are planning on stopping the overnight visits because of all the problems and BM's inability to follow simple directions. I'm hoping that Fuzzy's attorney makes this meeting so I can meet her and talk with her. I know it would be too much to hope for termination to become the new case plan, but I can't help but hold out a little flicker of hope. Please keep me and Fuzzy in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow. I'll update as soon as I can. Thanks.

Play

I love just being a mom and watching my kids play.

Saturday

I'm enjoying my Saturday at home with not much to do. L is spending the day with my mom. My mom is determined to potty train her so I'm letting her try. My mother-in-law has taken her to use the big toilet a couple of times, and she's told Rob that she was about to wet her diaper a couple of times. She's never told me or given me any indication that she was ready to be potty trained. Also her lack of communication hasn't made me rush to start this transition. She just started speech therapy yesterday, so hopefully that will help her start communicating with us better and more consistently. Fuzzy took a nice nap, but woke up cranky as hell. He's now happily playing in his car while we watch Inuyasha. We're planning on grilling tonight which I'm looking forward to. After last weekend's festivities and constant running around it took me several days to fully recover so this lazy weekend is very much appreciated.

I know I promised more pictures from the party (and one from his birthday the next day), but I only have a couple that aren't full on face shots of Fuzzy. So here's what I've got.

Happy Birthday

My son turned one today, and I'm so happy and blessed to get to celebrate and share this milestone with him. He's changed so much over this past year. I was looking at pictures of him from when we got him and how he looks now. It's amazing to see him grow from a helpless, immobile baby to a very vocal, very, very mobile, opinionated, funny, happy little boy. His smile melts my heart everyday. Hearing him call me mama makes a bad day, a good day.
We took him to my stylist Friday to get his first real haircut. He looks so handsome. His birthday party was a lot of work, and we were exhausted and sore by the time it was done. But it was so worth it. We had lots of family and friends there all wishing Fuzzy a happy birthday. I'll post some pictures as soon as I get them uploaded. My bro took a bunch of shots for me too so hopefully it won't take him too long to send them to me. Everyone loved the hamburgers and hotdogs. Rob got lots of compliments on the food. I'm glad that putting the food in slowcookers to keep everything warm after he took it off the grill worked perfectly. We were able to grill a couple of hours of before we ate, and everything was still nice, hot, and juicy.

Fuzzy got a room full of toys and some clothes. He's sitting in one of his favorites right now, a Radio Flyer rocking horse. He will sit in that things for 30 minutes or more just bouncing and laughing. Thanks Auntie Kelley and Uncle Jim! He loves his Cozy Coupe, but he's still getting used to getting in and out of it himself, but he does loves opening and closing his car door. Thanks Tia Janet and Tio Corey! We officially need to buy another toy chest to hold all his gifts. We'll take our time introducing a new toy or toy to him every few days so. I tried not to stress too much about things that didn't turn out right or the stuff that we forgot to bring with us to the party. Everyone had a great time and that's what I wanted.

Fuzzy, Mama and Daddy love you with all our hearts. We're so thankful and blessed to have you in our lives and to get the privilede to be your parents. We pray that we will get to support and guide you through all of life's milestones. But no matter what happens, you will always be our son. We love you!

Party Time

I would have updated sooner if I heard from Fuzzy's CW earlier, but I just got a call from her today. She let me know that BM got mad when she told her that NO she wasn't going to get Fuzzy's for his birthday. That we had already planned to have him out of town weeks in advance. After getting an attitude didn't work then she tried the waterworks, but that didn't work either. CW just told BM that the judge had already approved it. Plus the district supervisor had decided that BM will not have anymore weekend visits for a while after reading our list of problems with his last visit. She will still have overnight visits sometimes because the judge ordered it. But the visits will be during the week so that CW can check up on Fuzzy and see how things are going. She will be able to see how he is when he leaves our care and how he is when he's returned to us. So his next visit will be Monday and CW will bring him back Tuesday morning to the day care. I'm not happy about the overnight visit, but I'm thankful that we will have our son with us for his birthday.

CW told me that they did go over our list of problems from the last visit with BM. And she actually had the nerve to try to say he had a diaper rash when we gave him to her, but she forgot to mention it to anyone or take a picture. Isn't that just convenient? It's nice that we have the day care backing us that no his butt was perfectly fine on Friday evening when I picked him up. But when he comes home Sunday afternoon his butt is raw.

I've still got tons to do to prepare for this weekend. And it's time for me to run and pick up the kids before band practice so gotta go!

Updates

Fuzzy's BM called about an hour ago saying that she didn't know that it was her day to have him. I don't know how else you need to explain to someone when you tell them every other Saturday. I think that's pretty simple. You get a damn calendar and you mark every other freaking Saturday from the start date! But I expected this. I know that she's thinking that if she didn't visit this weekend that next weekend (Fuzzy's birthday) would be her visit day. But I thought about this happening already so when these Saturday visits started I requested and received the judge's authorization to take Fuzzy to Dallas next weekend. BM just kept saying that she's planned him a party and all her family is traveling here for it from Phili and New Orleans. Yeah right! She said that she'll work something out with the social worker when she gets back in town next week. I just kept my mouth shut. BM is not going to ruin Fuzzy's 1st birthday. He will enjoy himself with the family he knows and loves.

Well, we were expecting to hear from Fuzzy's BM this morning because today was supposed to be his 2nd overnight visit. She didn't call us so we called her at 9 which should have been an hour before we met, and her phone went straight to voice mail. Rob left a message. I called back about 10:30, and got the same thing. We were told that she was having visits every other Saturday. CW is out of town right now, but we called and left her a message anyway. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'll be damned if she thinks she's getting him next weekend for his birthday. No ma'am because one it's not your week I don't care if you flaked out this weekend and two we've already gotten the judge's sign-off to take him to TX next weekend. I'm not calling anymore. I'm not keeper. I've done all that I think I should do.

Let's Get Ready to Rumble

I'm past fed up with the system and it's lack of work. Yesterday, transportation picked up Fuzzy at 9:30 from day care. They sent him with 4 diapers, some wipes, a jar of food, a bottle, and a change of clothes. He was dropped off at 1:45 PM with all 4 diapers, wet clothes (the same ones he left in), and a bottle full of cloudy water. He was starving. He had not been changed that entire time. WTF? Really? How can an office full of "professional workers" have a baby in their care for almost 5 hours and never bother to change him? How can you possibly teach his dumb ass BM how to parent him if you can't do it either? I can't be with him all the time, but stupid me thought that he would be ok with a bunch of social workers. His actual case worker is on vacation right now, but her supervisor was supposed to be there. I called the supervisor and basically got rushed off the phone. I told her what happened and asked her why this happened. All she said was that BM was supposed to change him during her visit. WTF? Aren't you supposed to make sure she does this? Aren't you supposed to make sure he's taken care of correctly? Or are you "too busy" to give a damn.

I'm in the process of gathering all of my documentation to send a copy to Fuzzy's attorney. I've never met her, but I have her address. It may not do any good, but I'm going to try anyway. Someone has to be willing to go to bat for this child. I will do everything I can for him as long as I can.

I'm just wondering is it normal for a 2 year old to take 1 1/2 hours to eat a bowl of cereal or take 45 minutes to eat a small muffin and half of a banana? L and her eating drives me crazy. She can't eat a burger as a burger, like picking it up and biting it. Nope, she starts taking it apart and rubbing it. Yep, she rubs everything she eats except for fruit for minutes and minutes. She sits there and caresses the food and then she tears it up. She may or may not eat more than a bite or two if you don't sit there and feed her. But I'm sorry this child is 2 and needs to learn to self feed. The annoying thing is that she feeds herself at daycare, but that's it. With us or anyone else if she's not being fed then she is molesting the food. Then she starts rubbing the fork or or spoon all over her face. I have no clue if this is normal or not. I've never been a around a child that acts like this so I'm not sure. I wonder if she's autistic. The therapist that evaluated her said that it's possible because of some of her odd behaviors, but she suggested that we give her a few months of speech therapy before we have her tested for autism. So I guess we will wait unless something changes.

Hi

We had a visit on Monday with the social worker (even though she was late getting her like so often...bitch was freaking shopping when I called to ask her why she wasn't here at noon like she should be...WTF...moving on!). I had already typed out everything we had observed about his behavior after the visit and everything that had happened. SW thanked me for doing this so she could make sure to have everything documented for his file and show it to her supervisor. I also told her I would mail her the pictures I took as soon as I got them uploaded from my camera and printed out. I'll get them done this week since the SW told us she will be on vacation for the next 2 weeks anyway. I've got her supervisor's numbers if I need something while she's gone. SW was very upset about how this visit went, but she expected it to not go well since she knows that BM shouldn't have unsupervised overnight visits. But what can you do when the judge thinks they know more than anyone in actually involved in this case on a daily base. I told SW that I want to be told about every hearing for this case because I will be there. We have the right to testify and I will. I will go to battle for my son. If I lose, I will know that I fought the good fight.

I'm glad that this weekend is a free weekend. We're planning on grilling today (yum ribs and boudin), and pulling out the baby pool for the kids. Rob wants to shoot fireworks so we will go by the fireworks stand that's walking distance from our house tonight to get some supplies. I know that Fuzzy has been around them before, but L may freak out. We'll have to start small and see how it goes. I'm debating about going to the big fireworks show in the park tonight.

I'm still working on Fuzzy's birthday bash that will be 2 weeks from today. I've got the cake ordered and the paper goods purchased. I'm still kind of iffy on the cake. We're doing a Se*same Street theme, and I found a cake I like. I went to my usual baker to order it and they quoted me $65. I was shocked because it was originally $78 until I lowered the number of servings. This is the cake. The only thing that the baker is doing is the cake and the cupcakes. I'm putting the decorations on it myself since. I just wonder if I can get it from someone cheaper. I know this bakery's quality. They made our wedding cakes, and they were so good people were talking about them for weeks! I've got the invites printed I just need to address them and mail some of the out. Most of them I will hand deliver. I'm going to price renting an E*lmo or Cookie*Monster costume since we have a couple of friends that would be willing to wear them for us. I just want this to be the best 1st birthday party for Fuzzy. This may be our only chance to give him a birthday party so we have to make it good. Well, there's a little hand with a smiling face grabbing my leg so I gotta go. I hope everyone has a wonderful 4th of July!

My weekend

We met BM at 10 AM Saturday to drop Fuzzy off. I cried most of the way there, but pulled it together before anyone but Rob would see me. I got Fuzzy out of his car seat, and he was asleep so when BM grabbed him from me he opened his eyes for a second and went back to sleep. I got back in the car while Rob gave her a small diaper bag that we packed for him. BM says, "You didn't have to do that." Like we were giving her a damn gift or something. Idiot! BM showed up riding with an older lady and at least they had a car seat in the car for him. Fuzzy woke up as Rob was going back to the car and gave him a very confused look when he realized that BM was holding him and Daddy was leaving. It broke my heart to let him go because I knew he was not going to be taken care of the way he should be.

All day Saturday I rearranged furniture and cleaned and cleaned. I had to keep busy to keep my mind from dwelling on him and wondering what was going on with him. Saturday night BM called me to ask if she could keep him until 1PM so she could take him to church. Trying to be nice, I agreed. We got to the meeting point at 1 and my phone rings. It's BM saying that she's going to be late because she doesn't have a ride and Fuzzy is asleep. WTF does Fuzzy being asleep have to do with anything, I don't know. I hung up on her and called the social worker. I left SW a message about what was going on. We decided to head home since it was 102 degrees and we're sitting in a parking lot with a 2 year old that's hungry and it's at least a 40 minute drive from BM's home to where we were. We stopped to get lunch and headed home. By the time we got home BM called and said she was on her way. So we headed back. I know we could have waited at the house a while and then left, but we were too anxious to get Fuzzy back.

BM shows up about an hour after she called in a small white pick-up truck driven by some little wrinkled white man. Whoever the hell he was no one knows? Something told me to have my camera ready when they pulled up. And I was right BM was holding the car seat in her lap with Fuzzy in it unbuckled. If they had been hit or had to make a sudden stop there was nothing there to prevent him from flying through the front windshield! I snapped a picture and jumped out of the car. Fuzzy saw me and started smiling. He practically jumped from her arms to me. His pants were soaking wet. A few words were exchanged but she didn't mention anything about how his visit went. I walked to the car and immediatly took his pants off and changed him. His diaper had started to fall apart it was so heavy with urine. Fuzzy looked like hell. He had these huge bags under his dark, sunken eyes, but he just kept smiling at us. You could tell he was so happy to be home. His hair reeked of smoke. And this is after she was been told time and time again that he has severe allergies and asthma so he doesn't need to be around smoke!

When we got home I checked his bottom to find it raw and red. I took a picture of this too for his social worker. I weighed the diaper to find that it weighed almost a pound! A dry diaper is only a little over an ounce and this diaper weighed a pound! His social worker said to just pack him a small diaper bag because BM should have everything he needed. So we sent him with 2 diapers, a premade bottle, an almost brand new can of formula, his medicines, butt paste, and a bath tub book. That bitch kept the formula and the book and his clothes he had on that day. Good thing I dressed him in play clothes and cheap shoes because I would have beat her ass if she kept some Nik*e or Str*iderite shoes! I'm not even sure if she fed him the formula we sent because the SW said that she saw a big can of formula there when she visited the home the day before the visit. Also from 3PM to 8PM, Fuzzy had 4 seperate poopy diapers that were nasty. This child normally has 1 or 2 a day, not 4 in a 5 hour span.

I spent several hours sitting on the couch holding him so he could sleep. At one point he let out a horrible scream and it took me a a few minutes to get him to stop and look at me. As soon as he saw me he said mama and fell back asleep. Even if Rob was holding him he had to keep me within eyesight or he would cry. He's normally not like that. He's always to independent unless he's sick. I wish I knew what the hell she did to him. I don't know how anyone can think putting him through this stress is good for him. I know it won't get any better because BM is stubborn and doesn't listen to anyone. She wants to do things her way and it doesn't matter that it's hurting Fuzzy.