Just Thinking

I wonder why my life has gone the way that it has. I know that looking at someone else's life doesn't give you a real picture of it, but just looking from the outside in makes me think. I wonder why there's a girl that I work with that smoked all through one pregnancy and is probably going to do the same thing with her newest pregnancy yet she's got a healthy baby at home. This isn't the 60's when we didn't know the dangers of smoking. We all know the risks and harm that it can do. I wonder why some people can ignore doctor's orders and they will be just fine. I guess it really is true that God takes care of fools. The other day I sat in a meeting, and had to do all I could not to cry. I looked around the room and realized that I'm the only woman in the room that doesn't have a living child. I've got smokie the bitch announcing to the world that she's due in April, and everyone is gushing all over her. She's what maybe 4 weeks along, and announcing it to everyone. Then I think of everything that we've done to have a chance at having a child. I've seen so many doctors that I've lost count. I've read so many articles and medical studies that I should have a 2nd degree by now. I've taken so many medications that I feel like an old lady when I pull out my stack of pill bottles. We've gone to weeks of classes, filled out tons of paperwork, and had people going through our home and lives like the paparazzi. But all I have to show for it are memories of an angel, a headstone, a depleted savings account, an empty nursery and a broken heart.

So what do I have that others don't. I have a wonderful, supportive husband that's still there despite all I've put him through. I have the perfect daughter. What's more perfect than an angel? And I got to carry and care for an angel for 6 months. I've got a house full of furry little creatures that love me. I've got my health even though I'm no where near as healthy as I used to be. But I'm not disabled or disfigured, and after having blood pressure readings of 280/240 I very well should be brain damaged or worse. But my God kept me safe. I've got a deeper relationship with God now than I've ever had before. I've got so many friends that love me. I've got the best church family I could ask for. I've still got both of my parents, and I will hopefully be an aunt next year. I'm on my way to becoming a foster mom. I've known sorrow, disillusionment, and loneliness, but I've prevailed. I don't run from or avoid other people's pain. I've learned the power of reaching out to a total stranger in their time of hurt. I am stronger because I have known pain.