Thursday, August 21, 2008

Layers


I'm so tired of hurting. Everywhere I look there are babies and families. It just wears on your soul after a while. I realized today that I've on my 34 cycle of trying to conceive with nothing to show for it. I try my best to avoid things that I know will make me sad or make me cry, but I still get blindsided every now and again. I stopped watching shows like a Baby Story, and I focus on shows like Adoption Stories now. But since that show comes on while I'm at work I record it on the DVR, but the player starts taping a few seconds before the show starts a lot of the time. And usually there's a mom loving on her newborn baby on the screen when I start the recorded program. In that split second my heart breaks all over again. My hope that, that mom will ever be me is fading away. This isn't supposed to be my life. I spent so many years avoiding pregnancy, and now that I want it I can't have it. Why is it so hard? My one chance at having a baby went away before I was even completely conscious. Was I really meant for this life? Am I doing what I was put on this earth to do or am I still trying to find my way?

Tonight one of my friends who is a farmer gave a good devotion after band practice that hit home with me. He talked about how bad a field of corn looks when it's mature and ready to be harvested. It goes from these tall green stalks and leaves to yellow and brown. It all looks dead. But any farmer knows that the best part, the sweet, golden corn is just under all those layers of dead husks. We're like that corn, if you work to get through the hard parts, you'll find what you've been working for all along. I'm still working on getting through my layers, and I'm not sure when I'll reach the center.

2 comments:

Dream Mommy said...

You WILL be a mom, especially in foster parenting. Ask and you shall receive. He sent me 10 kids over 2 years and each I couldn't imagine never knowing. I thought I would never finalize an adoption, but now one is down, two more in the process (probably in the next year or two) and waiting on my little girl someday. The problem you will have is learning to turn some down. It does slow down at times, but you will get a call.

I know the feeling too well. I felt the ache when Princess' little brother was born and conceived so easily, but again ruined by drug use. I still ache for a newborn I never got to have.
Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

Kristine said...

That is a beautiful analogy. I think of you a lot my blogging buddy, and I know that you're going to have that baby in your arms soon. I can totally relate to your feelings, and I, too, am an avid viewer of Adoption Stories. Makes me cry just about every time. Just keep praying on it, and know that others are praying for you too! : )