Another One Bites the Dust

Well, that bitch showed her face today about 10 days early at that. So I guess I have to put this one down as another cycle I didn't ovulate. Wonderful, just freaking wonderful. I'm now waiting for my doctor's office to call me back so I can get some more clomid. I guess now my ovaries have decided to not cooperate with me so I'll just have to make them obey! I am shocked that I'm taking this rather well this cycle. Normally I would be a big pile of tears and anger. This is Cycle # 27 since we started trying again after Madison died. It still seems unreal that it's been this long, and where no further along than when we started. I'm not happy at all, but I'm ready to move on. I need to move on.

Is it 5:00 yet?

Today has been a really, really, really shitty day at work today. Dear Lord, keep me from killing these people!

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother!

FuzzBall

I've been enjoying getting to know my newest furbaby, Sunkist, an 8 week old orange kitten. The first week or so was trying since we were having litter box issues. I had no idea kitten crap smelled so bad or that a 1 pound kitten could make so much crap all day long. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we are through with that. The dogs have been enjoying him and getting pissed off at his endless amounts of energy at the same time. Sunkist is a giant purring machine that loves to cuddle up around your neck and purr loudly in your ear. This is my 1st kitty so I'm still getting used to him, but he's made himself right at home with us and our little zoo!

Finally

I forgot to mention that I finally got my HSG done on Friday. I thought it wasn't going to happen this time either. My doc's office told me that they would fax over my orders to the hospital so all I would have to do is just check in. Well the office didn't have crap from them, and it took almost 2 hours to get them to fax the orders over. So after 2 hours of waiting I finally got in to radiology to have my test done. It didn't hurt at all except the huge speculum up my twat was annoying to say the least. The radiologist said that he had to push through some blockages on both sides to get the dye into my ovaries. But once it was in they filled up the way they should and the dye started to flow out like it should. He said that my left ovary was sluggish compared to my right. And that he would put money on it that the right one will produce the eggs that should get my pregnant hopefully soon. I should have the full report from my doc sometime this week. Now I'm just hoping and praying that this was all my body needed to get in gear.

Tears and Black Hearts

My grandmother's funeral was yesterday. All the days leading up to it and even on the drive to the church it was just going to be another day. I didn't expect anything, but having to put up with my relatives that I don't see that much. I put in my Chris Tomlin cd and just listened to that as I sped down the highway to the funeral because we were running late. I really didn't want to be late. But by the time I got to parking lot of the church I was in tears. It finally hit me that I had allowed my hate and my hurt to hardened my heart towards anyone I felt had disregarded or disrespected my daughter. I've felt for so long that all I had left of Madison was her memory and anyone that didn't at least acknowledge that she had lived and died wasn't worth my time. My grandmother never mentioned anything about her. No I'm sorry, no nothing. So I decided that there was nothing left for me to say to her after that. The last 2 years of her life I saw her 2 times and we lived in the same city. How could I be so stupid? I call myself a Christian, and I've forgiven some people for not reacting the way I thought they should when my baby died. But I held my family to a higher standard than most. How could I deny forgiveness for my grandmother when I want God to forgive me for things everyday? How could I let my hurt blind me? Now it's too late to say I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry.

My Last Grandmother

I'm not even sure how to begin this post. My dad's mom died a few days ago, and her funeral is this Saturday. I'm not upset nor heartbroken over this. I feel bad for my dad and his sisters. I wonder if that makes me a bad person. I was never that close to her even though she's always lived a few miles away my whole life. I was very close to my mom's parents who lived 2 houses down from us. They were a daily part of my life until they passed away in 1992. I miss them dearly. But it makes me smile to know that they are getting to enjoy their great-granddaughter every day in heaven. But my dad's mom, Grandma Lillie Bea, was never around except for holidays and some Sundays at church. She never came to visit us that I remember. Every Mother's Day, the occasional birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas we went to see her. We would spend most of the time watching her old black and white TV that was always tuned to soap operas or some old music program. She usually had a pound cake and a ham in the kitchen. We would eat some cake, and then watch her open her gifts. She would always give us each a card with a couple of buck in it. And then we would go home. That's about it. Even when I was younger I never truly felt like I was her granddaughter. I'd look around her house that was filled with pictures of my cousins, but only 1 of me from when I was 3. There was a picture of my brother that was fairly recent, but not of me. I took tons of pictures while I was growing up so why wasn't I on display like my cousins? It's amazing what you remember years later. I distanced myself from several members of my family after Madison's death. Anyone that didn't call or at least acknowledge her existence and death was written out of my life. I stopped visiting on holidays. I didn't even go by when she started to get really sick. She stayed in the hospital for a long time and we've been expecting her to pass away several times. I pushed past my anger and I did go by on Christmas with my family this past year. That's the last time I saw her alive. Maybe it will hit me at the funeral. Maybe I'll start feeling something then.

I'm still here

I know it's been a long time, well at least a long time for me since I posted. But I'm still alive and I guess well. Robert and I had a very nice day celebrating our daughter's life last Tuesday. We added a new wind chime and flag to her grave. I love the new chime it's much bigger and sound so beautiful when the wind blows. We did another balloon launch like we did for her last birthday. This time there were 24 pink balloon in memory of every month she's been away from us. We went to the movies and had a nice relaxing lunch alone. Then we came home and played a game. It was really a nice day. I'm glad that it was just us so we could really just think of her and be completely laid back and unstressed.

Well, Clomid cycle #2 was a bust. But I kind of figured it would be because my temperatures never truly confirmed ovulation, and the cheap ass ovulation tests I used gave me some very confusing information. So now I'm 6 days into my next cycle, and I have the HSG or dye test scheduled for tomorrow. I'm praying that it will do the trick and we won't have to go on to anything more expensive. Hell the damn dye test isn't covered under my stupid insurance. They only cover drug therapy, artificial insemination, and IVF up to $1,000 a year. Gee thanks IVF is about $10,000 per round. And what's better is that the insurance has a lifetime maximum of $3,000. I hate insurance companies so much sometimes. They just screw you over any chance they get. So this cycle will be natural. I'm taking my soy to hopefully mimic the Clomid and I'll be swilling cough syrup too. It would be wonderful if the HSG just knocked some stuff loose and helped me get pregnant this cycle.

I've been so busy at work the past couple of weeks that when I get home I don't want to do anything except crash on the couch and read smut. Yep it's nice to just zone out and let your brain go into the gutter sometimes :)

T minus 24 hours

and counting until Madison's 2nd birthday/angel day. I took a paxil this morning since I've had a very short fuse for several days, and I'm getting very upset over stupid stuff. Robert and I took off work tomorrow to just spend time together doing things that I know Maddie would have loved to do. First we will visit her grave and put out some flowers and the new wind chime we got her this weekend. We'll go to the drive-thru safari park and have a nice lunch. Then we'll see a movie and have a little cake that night in her honor. We decided that this year we wanted to be alone with her without the distractions of having to entertain people. I still can't believe that it's already been 2 years. 2 whole years or 24 months or 730 days or 17, 520 hours since she became my firstborn, my baby girl, my everything. And 2 years since she went away. I hope that everyday in heaven she spends without me is like the biggest and best birthday party we could have ever given her.

Chameleon girl strikes again!

Well, I've changed my look again. I've been itching to change for a while, but I finally took the plunge yesterday. So I chopped off most of my hair and dyed it a dark, dark red/plum color. It's spiky and wild. It was actually therapeutic to lose the weight off my head. I needed a release since my heart and mind have been so full of hurt and sadness in the past few weeks. I think Maddie would like her mommy's new do. I feel renewed. I'm like a new woman! I am woman, hear me roar!!!!

Drugs are bad...

I can't help, but hear the voice of Mr. Mackey from South Park in my head every time I open my medicine cabinet and get a handful of pills. And yesterday I added another to the regime. My doctor's nurse called me Monday afternoon because the doctor needed to see me this week to talk about my lab work from last week. So yesterday morning I went in to see him. He told me that my blood work shows that my glucose levels have been elevated for some time and also my cholesterol level is higher than normal. So based on that and my family history, he wants me to start meds now instead of playing the wait and see game. He put me on a low dose of Glucophage a.k.a Metformin which is an anti-diabetic medicine. Metformin may contribute to weight loss in some diabetics. However, weight loss does not appear to be one of its primary benefits. But we can hope. I couldn't help by smile a little bit because this is the drug I wanted if I had to take something. I've read so many success stories about people being infertile and getting pregnant on a Clomid/Metformin combo. So I'm really hoping that this is just what my body needs to get me knocked up. I'm not too excited about the possible side effects like headache, muscle pain, weakness, mild nausesa, vomiting, diarrhea, gas, and stomach pain. And those are the mild side effects. But I'll do just about anything to have another baby. I'm just thrilled that this medicine is covered under Wal-mart cheap medicine plan so it cost me a whopping $4 for 30 days!!! So will this be the key that we've been looking for?

More tears

Sometimes I wish I would run out of tears. I wish that my heart would just completely turn to stone so that it would never hurt again. I hate being jealous of my friends, but I can't help it. I hurt for those who are trying to get pregnant and it's taking way too long. But at the same time so many of them have a child at home. And then they get pregnant before me, and they will deliver before me. And I'll still be here in a home with a empty nursery and empty arms. I got a beautiful birth annoucement in the mail today about an hour after yet another negative test. In the same set of mail I got a package from the company that bought the Preeclampsia Foundation Memorial quilt last year. They turned some of the squares into notecards and sold them as a fundraiser for the organization. They sent each person that participated in the making of the quilt a set of the cards. Madison's square was made into a card, and it's beautiful. I will always treasure it, but it just reminds me of my childless existance. I'm starting to lose hope that we will ever be parents again. Every month my body plays with my head. My cycle is late so most people would assume that they are pregnant. But not me. My usual clockwork cycles have been replaced by ambiguity and pain. I'm afraid to go to my doctor because I know that he wants to move on to more aggressive treatments, and we can't afford that. My insurance doesn't cover injections or inseminations or anything like that. The only reason that Clomid has been affordable is because Wal-mart added it to their cheap prescription list this year because my insurance doesn't cover anything. But you can only take Clomid for so long. We can't afford private adoption so we're stuck hoping and praying that one of the girls living at the maternity home that works with the agency we're using chooses adoption and has a mixed baby. Since that's the only thing that puts us anywhere near the top of the waiting list. That's a lot of hoping with no end in sight. I really wish I could just give up sometimes and walk way from it all.

Apprehensive or Just Scared

Last week I went to an orientation for the state foster/adopt program. I listened to all the information and I was lucky that one of the attendees is an adoptive mother through this same program. She's coming back to do it again. It was helpful to hear from someone that's been through it all before. The social worker was nice, and very honest. They are not really an adoption agency, and "perfect" babies are hard to come by. They had lots of older kids and need to be adopted. But that's not really what Rob and I want. I think it would be weird for two 28 year olds to adopt a teenager or even a preteen. We would consider a toddler. But at the same time the thought of packing up all the baby stuff in the nursery and turning it into a kid's bedroom breaks my heart. We have tried for a baby for so long, and we have so much stuff. We could have the room ready for baby in a day. We're got the crib, dresser, and changing table. We've got all the organizers, bath supplies, and a lot of clothes for either a boy or a girl. I feel like I'm giving up on my dreams if we don't have or adopt a baby. The problem with all the children under 3 in LA foster care that are up for adoption now are severely handicapped. They are on feeding tubes, blind, or severely retarded. I wouldn't have had a problem if this was Madison since we would have faced these same things if she had lived, but in my heart I know that I can't go out looking for that type of challenge. We both work full time and raising a child that needs that much care is a full time job. But I would have given it all up for Madison. Rob and I decided that we will continue on and attend the 7 weeks of training classes in order to be certified and have our home study done since it is ultimately our decision on who we adopt. It will take about 3 months for us to be certified, and a lot can change in 3 months.

Insulin Resistance Diet

I've had some people ask me about the diet I'm using to hopefully get my blood sugar levels back where they need to be and to shed this weight. After a lot of research, I decided on the Insulin Resistance Diet. I will say up front that I have not read the book that goes along with the diet. I've gotten most my info online from my CO friends that are doing it because of their PCOS and from the website that is done by the authors of the book. I've also learned a lot from people I've met on SparkPeople, a weight loss, nutrition, and fitness site. This is only day 2 so I'm by no way an expert, but here's a good rundown of the diet that I found online and I've been using.

Basic Philosophy/Strategy: According to the authors, it is not carbohydrates that cause weight gain, but lack of protein and an excess of carbohydrates consumed in one sitting. Therefore, the authors recommended that carbs and protein be consumed in the ratio of 15g:7g. The maximum amount of carbohydrate allowed per meal or snack is 30g, and this must be balanced with at least 14g of protein. This concept is referred to as "linking and balancing" in that all carbs are linked with protein and balanced in this specific ratio.

The authors endorse the low fat hypothesis, so the plan dictates that low fat protein such as poultry, fish and low fat dairy products be used mainly as protein sources. Red meat can only be consumed 2 or 3 times a week. The plan counts beans and milk as proteins.

All vegetables with the exception of corn and potatoes can be eaten freely on the diet. Avocados and olives must be limited however due to their high fat content. Apples, cherries, peaches, plums and grapefruit do not need to be linked and balanced with protein, but are confined to no more than a half cup serving every 2 to 3 hours.

No more than 32g of carbs may be consumed within 2 hours. If one consumes more than this then the excess is stored as fat. This concept is known as the 2 hour fat window. Protein, however can be eaten at any time

Exercise is strongly endorsed

Critical of ketogenic diets, citing patients who have become ill (!!)

4. By the numbers:

Fat:20-30%, Protein: 20-30% Carbohydrate: 40-60%

Fats and Oils: Keep fats to a minimum, include some good fats

High-Carbohydrate Foods :Eat no more than 2 servings at any one time. Eat at least 2 fruits servings daily

High-Protein Foods: Eat at least 8 servings a day. Include 2 to 5 servings of dairy foods

Vegetables: Consume Freely, but eat at least 3 servings a day

5. Method: see no. 3

6. Typical menu:

Bfast:egg on toast, yogurt with cereal, milk with cereal

Lunch: Sandwhich with meat and low fat cheese, grilled chicken salad , beef soup with a potato

Dinner: Lean meat with a potato and vegetables, lentil pilaf with low fat cheese, pasta with meatballs and a green salad

7. Emphasis on: Fat and Protein. Can be difficult to find low fat protein sources if you do not wish to include milk and beans as true protein sources.

8. Unique Features: Resembles a diabetic diet. No foods are banned which makes this plan very livable. Suitable for vegetarians. Treats are recommended up to 2 or 3 times a week. This may lead people down the slippery slop if they "treat" themselves to foods they are actually addicted to such as sugar.

May not work for those who are very sensitive to carbohydrates. Proscribes to the low fat theory, so is more likely to be accepted by the mainstream medical establishment.


9. About the authors

Cheryle R. Hart. M.D. is the founder of the Wellness Workshop, a medical weight-loss clinic in Washington. She was the associate clinical professor of medicine at the Mayo Clinic and the University of Washington Medical School. She specializes in bariatrics. Her clinic address the four main aspects of what she considers to be successful weight management: medical, nutritional, fitness education and emotional support.

Mary Kay Grossman, R.D.

She is the nutritional adviser for the Wellness Workshop. Discovered that she too suffered from Insulin Resistance when she began to formulate menus and plans for her patients. This plan enabled her to finally lose weight seven years after the birth of her child.

I hope this helps!

Day 1

I haven't had much in the way of carbs today. No bread, no potatoes, no flour. Since I wasn't really prepared for a life changing diet I didn't have too much to choose from at home. I cooked my first frittata, which is basically an Italian omelet that's flat not folded, last night. It has eggs, tomatoes, onions, bell peppers, parmesan cheese, a habanero pepper, and some bacon. It turned out really, really good. So I had that for breakfast and since I needed to work through lunch to make up time, I had another slice for lunch. Actually I'm eating it now. I plan on shopping this weekend so that I can have the necessary supplies to have a variety of dishes. I'm not sure what we're having for dinner since we usually eat out on Thursdays. Rob decided to go on the diet with me in about a week. He's got a bunch of leftovers to finish off so we don't just waste food. I'm really trying to give this diet a go, but it was so hard not to just pick up a burger on my way back to the office today.

I started testing my blood glucose today, and it was a lot easier than I expected. It was painless. Now I just need to get my numbers down.