Rob and I went to the movies on Tuesday night to see Knocked Up before it leaves the theaters. It was a funny movie even though I ended up in tears by the end of it. It just brought back the joy I felt being pregnant with Madison and then the pain of not having that good delivery and bringing her home with us. I want and need to be pregnant again. I need to prove to myself and the world that I'm not defective because since everything went to hell I've felt like my body hates me. My body should nurture not harm my babies. I'm a lot smarter now. I know so much more about what can go wrong and the warning signs. I'm not naive anymore. Pregnancy will never be a carefree time for me. I will always be watching and monitoring my blood pressure and looking for any signs of preeclampsia again. In my future pregnancies I will have specialists from the beginning not once I'm in the hospital. I've done hours and hours and hours of research. In my heart I'm ready now I just have to get the rest of my body to agree.
My feelings are hurt because my favorite bracelet has started to turn my wrist funny colors. I don't think it was meant for everyday use, but I love it so much. My friend Maria made it for me. It's beautiful and I've gotten so many compliments on it. It's mostly pink butterflies with Maddie in the center. Her name is surrounded by hearts in mine, her daddy, and her birthstone. It has a charm on it that says Inspire and one that says Made in Love. And it's held together with a butterfly clasp. I just love it and always feel off if I don't have it on. I'm not sure if Maria still makes bracelets, but I don't want to bother her with all she's handling now waiting for Gabriel to come home. So now I'm jewelry shopping for a new mommy bracelet in silver or a combo of silver and gold. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be to find another bracelet as beautiful and customized as that one was.