Movies and Babies

Rob and I went to the movies on Tuesday night to see Knocked Up before it leaves the theaters. It was a funny movie even though I ended up in tears by the end of it. It just brought back the joy I felt being pregnant with Madison and then the pain of not having that good delivery and bringing her home with us. I want and need to be pregnant again. I need to prove to myself and the world that I'm not defective because since everything went to hell I've felt like my body hates me. My body should nurture not harm my babies. I'm a lot smarter now. I know so much more about what can go wrong and the warning signs. I'm not naive anymore. Pregnancy will never be a carefree time for me. I will always be watching and monitoring my blood pressure and looking for any signs of preeclampsia again. In my future pregnancies I will have specialists from the beginning not once I'm in the hospital. I've done hours and hours and hours of research. In my heart I'm ready now I just have to get the rest of my body to agree.

My feelings are hurt because my favorite bracelet has started to turn my wrist funny colors. I don't think it was meant for everyday use, but I love it so much. My friend Maria made it for me. It's beautiful and I've gotten so many compliments on it. It's mostly pink butterflies with Maddie in the center. Her name is surrounded by hearts in mine, her daddy, and her birthstone. It has a charm on it that says Inspire and one that says Made in Love. And it's held together with a butterfly clasp. I just love it and always feel off if I don't have it on. I'm not sure if Maria still makes bracelets, but I don't want to bother her with all she's handling now waiting for Gabriel to come home. So now I'm jewelry shopping for a new mommy bracelet in silver or a combo of silver and gold. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be to find another bracelet as beautiful and customized as that one was.

Prayers and Positive Thoughts Please

Robert and I are in the process of making some major life changes, but at this point I'm not comfortable blogging about it yet. I've talked to a couple of close friends about it. And today we got some good news and some possibly bad news about our situation. I'm going into prayer again about this and I know that others are praying for us. Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts that things work out for the best. Thanks.

Shut up!!!

All I can saw is what the f*ck!!!! I've been sick with a summer cold or some type of head cold for a couple of days so I've been feeling like crap. But today I felt good enough to do a little shopping. Robert and I went by Toys R Us to look for Transformers stuff because as geeky as it is we both wanted Optimus Prime action figures for our desks at work. I run into a girl that I used to go to high school with that graduated 2 years after I did. I knew she had a baby, but I see her with her 2 year old son and she's big and pregnant with a girl now. She jokes with me because I just happened to be checking out the sales in the Babies R Us section that "You don't have any kids. No one should let you have a baby." I didn't feel like correcting her. I didn't feel like getting upset in front of someone I see maybe once a year at most just passing in a store. But why the hell would you say that to someone that you know has been married for almost 2 years and she's freaking 2 years older than you? If I could have a baby with no problem I would have a baby in my shopping cart instead of my damn purse! People are so ignorant. Don't flaunt your ability to get pregnant and have a baby with no problem. You just don't understand how blessed you are. You don't understand how cutting your words are. We're adults now so act like one. Think before you speak. But you just don't understand.

Hopefully we won't be shopping alone soon. We're praying that our blessing will come soon.

You can't quit JM

I've tried and failed a couple of times to leave my message board on Weight Watchers.com, but I can't. I love those lunatics on there. They're my friends. They supported me in my darkest days, weeks, and months. I left because it got to be too much. My life was going backwards and everyone else was moving forwards. I long to be a mother of an earth baby so much, and I couldn't take seeing people obtain that so easily like it was nothing. Don't get me wrong I'm always happy for my friends and their successes, but it still would eat at me. Maybe it's because I now have new hope for the hoepfully near future that I can return home to my snarky yet loving friends on the Entertaining board a.k.a JM's new home.

Adoption

A friend of mine has been talking about adopting and another friend is adopting a beautiful baby boy soon. We've all been touched by the loss of our children and don't really trust our bodies that much anymore. I've looked at adoption on and off, but not seriously really. It's so expensive. There's no way even with our employer helping that Rob and I could afford that for years. But I went and looked at the state of Louisiana's adoption site again Saturday night. I saw a little baby girl named Sarah, and I can't get her out of my mind. She's so tiny in the picture, and it doesn't say why but her medical condition is listed as terminal. Rob has been thinking about her too. He thinks we're thinking about her because she reminds of us Madison.

When Maddie was born the doctors told Rob that if she survived she was probably be blind and severely handicapped. They asked him if we wanted them to try to save her. I think that was one of the stupidest questions. Duh! She's our daughter no matter what. We wouldn't have loved her any less if she was blind or handicapped. We wanted Madison no matter what, but it wasn't our decision to make. She wasn't meant to stay in this world. She was meant for bigger things.

We both know that we couldn't bear to lose another child, but damn it's so hard to just ignore her. I want to take care of her. I want to make her life better.I just pray that her foster family loves her.

Date Night

Last night Robert and I had a date with each other. It was nice since it's been a long, long time since we've done that. We've just gotten used to going to the movies sometimes and grabbing a bite to eat on the way home. It was cool going to a nice dinner and then going to see a grown-up movie. We ate at LoneStar Steakhouse, and then went to see Transformers. Yes, I said Transformers. I loved that cartoon when I was growing up. I cried when Optimus Prime died in the movie back when I was 6. So I was leery to see this new version of my childhood heroes. Could anyone capture that love and spirit and excitement in a real movie? But I'm glad I went along with Robert and saw it because it was amazing. I felt like I was 6 years old again and the Autobots were real! I know it's probably cheesy, but I don't care it's refreshing to just let go and have fun.

But the evening had a bad part to it. The evil witch showed up when I got off work. She was 2 days late just to toy with my emotions and give me a little hope. But yet like each month she shows up. Bitch!

Today I've been cleaning and cleaning. Our house has gotten filthy with all the rain and Pakkun tracking in mud through the dog door all the time. But I've got it back in the shape I like, and now Robert has brought his dog home from living with his parents. I'll have to post pictures of Olaf and Pakkun playing later.

Now I'm chilling on the couch after finishing my church stuff watching a Naruto marathon. My favorite anime and show all in one! This is a good evening for me. I get to watch back to back episodes of the knucklehead ninja, Naruto in English!! Since I'm so addicted to the show I go online regularly and watch the Japanese episodes and just read the English subtitles. I have to say the originals are even better than the English versions. But I won't get into my anime love because that will go on and on and on.

Musical therapy

I've always loved music since I was small. I've been a singer and used to play the piano for years. But until I was older I never really listened to the words. Along with the beautiful pictures I've found over this year, so many songs have touched my heart in different ways. A song opened my eyes about this time last year to stop blaming God for all that went wrong and fall back in His arms because I can't do this on my own. I love and will always love "Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns. A friend of mine even sang this song for me one Sunday in church along with a slide show I put together for it. That song is one of the songs I chose for Maddie's memorial website.

My friend, Mesa, has told me about a lot of songs that are beautiful remembrances of our angels like "Glory Baby" by Watermark and "With Hope" by Steven Curtis Chapman. My other inspirations are "Mountain of God" and "Cry out to Jesus" by Third Day. And this morning I added another song to my list of heart healers. It's called "Someday" by Nichole Nordeman.

Chorus 1
Someday all that's crazy
All that's unexplained will fall into place
And someday all that's hazy
Through a clouded glass
Will be clear at last
And sometimes
We're just waiting for someday

Verse 1
I believe in the rest of the story
I believe there's still ink in the pen
I have wasted my very last day
Tryin' to change
What happened way back when

Verse 2
I believe it's the human condition
We all need to have answers to why
More than ever I am ready to say that I
Will still sleep peacefully
With answers out of reach from me until

Verse 3
We are born with a lingering hunger
We are born unsatisfied
We are strangers
Who can't help but wander
And dream about the other side of

Misc 1
(BRIDGE)
Every puzzle's missing piece
Every unsolved mystery
More than half of every whole
Rests in the hands
That hold you for someday

Misc 2
(ENDING)
And someday all that's crazy
All that's unexplained
Will be beautiful beautiful
Someday all that's hazy
Through a clouded glass
Will be clear at last
And sometimes we're just waiting
And waiting for someday

Still fighting

Why is this one of the best pictures of my daughter? Why have Robert and I been going around and around trying to get the hospital to give a the clearer picture of her? I wish so much that I was conscious that day when they were taking the pictures because I'd be damned if they would have taken the good picture of their "records" and given us the blurry ones. I'm not at a point in my recovery yet that I can stand to talk to that hospital too much because I will hurt someone. I'm an angry pissed off woman which is not a good thing for anyone.

New Stomping Ground

I've been looking for a while for a new online community to join since I don't feel good about being in my old one. Its just too hurtful to be constantly surrounded by posts about perfect little preggos and their perfect little pregnancy. Then have to see all their pictures and posts all day long. I miss some many of the girls I met on there because over the last year and half we've become so close to each other. I even traveled 800 miles to meet up with some of them to participate in a half-marathon. I just don't fit in. I feel like a defective freak so often when I'm on there so I left. A couple of weeks ago I stumbled across a website called the Mommy Playbook while I was searching to info on natural remedies to help with conception, and I've been there ever since.

I'm not saying there aren't a ton of preggos there or people with healthy babies, but it has so much more to offer. There's a forum for everything you can think of. I've learned a lot and contributed a lot. I love it there.