More Tears

I found out Thursday from the daycare (remember I said the daycare and not the caseworker) that Squeaky's BM will go from weekly visits to twice a week visits next week. I called the CW to see why the case plan changed and we were alerted to this by his daycare. Why the hell should I be finding out info from the daycare? The CW claimed that she was going to call me and let me know as soon as they ironed out the days that she would be visiting. Supposedly their department has gotten a complete overhaul via a new case plan manager/creater or whatever this person is, and this new person felt that S could not fully bond with his BM only seeing her once a week. I understand that in my head, but it doesn't make my heart accept it any easier. I love this child, he's my son. The thought of losing him makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of going back to only being the mother of an angel scares me. The thought of coming home without him brings tears instantly to my eyes. I'm sitting here blogging after giving him 4 different medicines and his morning bottle while he plays on the floor. Now he's giving me a huge grin while he eats a singing turtle. I'm finally a mother to someone that needs me to care for them, and that could all end at any time. I knew the risk going into this, but there's no way to prepare yourself for this. I don't want to go back to the childless life I had before. He's my love, my little boy. I let myself get comfortable in the lie that his CW told us when they placed him with us. We thought it was a high probabilty that he would be adoptable, but it seems like every other day that option is vanishing. I've read the stories of people being told the same thing only to have the child sent back to the parents a year or more later, but I prayed that we would be different. I prayed that I had carried enough of a cross that we would get to be the blessed ones this time. I'm trying to keep my hopes up and just put things in God's hands. I'm trying...

I Won!!!

I'm so flattered that today I got nominated for an award twice. Yep, I go from never getting an award to 2 in one day! WooHoo! I'm glad that my ramblings have been seen as inspirational to some people. I was nominated by Colleen and Gina. Thank you very much ladies! So the rules of this honor are to:

Put the logo on your blog or post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs which show great attitude and/or gratitude.
Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
And be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

These blogs are some of my favorites. Some of them have compelled me to keep trying. Some have taught me and some have made me cry. I have a lot of blogs that I read so this is a short list for me. So the crowns go to:

http://afostermamaslife.blogspot.com/
http://foreveramom.blogspot.com/
http://mynewnormal.blogspot.com/
http://prayingforbaby.blogspot.com/
http://bringinggabrielhome.blogspot.com/
http://deadbabyjokes.blogspot.com/index.html
http://www.glowinthewoods.com/
http://waititngforbabygarcia.wordpress.com/
http://foster2adoptnewbies.blogspot.com/
http://oduamy.com/blog/
http://barrenbride.wordpress.com/

Squeaky

I've decided that it's time for Squeaky to have a new name. When we got him he squeaked all the time, but now he rarely does. He's a lot more vocal now and has his own distinct personality. There's a poll over on the side bar ------>
to select your favorite or just comment here if you have a suggestion that's not listed. Here's the meanings behind the names:

1. Thumper because he loves to jump all the time. He loves his exersaucer because it bounces. He bounces on us, the floor, his high chair, his car seat, everywhere.

2. Fuzzy is a variation on what Rob calls him. He calls him Fuzzhead because of his hair and the fact that the child seems to be a magnet for fuzz. I comb and brush his hair twice a day, and I spend the rest of the time picking fuzz out. Also after his hair is washed he sports a nice mushroom shaped fuzzy afro until Mama attacks his head with moisturizer.

3. Tic Toc (my fav) is because of his favorite sound to make. He makes a very sharp, distinct clicking sound with his mouth and tongue. No one has been able to replicate it, but we get pretty close. He will try to communicate via clicking, and gets a kick out of it if you click back. We've had so many people amazed by this small baby making such a loud, different sound over and over.

4. Smiley is because of ths huge toothless grins he loves to give. I just love his smile and I've taken so many pictures of it. His whole face lights up when he does it, and my heart melts everytime.

So will everyone please vote to help me out. Thanks!

More Stupidity

Yesterday morning I got a frantic message on my cell about 10:45 from S's social worker. "Call me back as soon as possible. I need to talk to you." I was worried as to what the problem was so I called her back. Social worker was calling because she and the BM were upset and concerned that they went to visit S at the daycare that morning and he didn't have a jacket. His BM wanted to take him outside to play during the visit. WHAT THE FUCK! Yes, usually I say WTF, but this story deserves the full phrase. You called me sounding like the world was coming to an end, frightening me to bitch about a jacket! It's fucking 45 degrees outside! Why the hell are you taking a 7 month old outside to "play"? I explained to her that he had on a jacket that I took with me after I dropped him off because it had spit up on it. I would be bringing another one when I picked him up that evening. She said ok and hung up. I was still in shock that she called me upset over this and that she is dumb enough to think it's ok to go along with the BM wishes to take a sick baby outside in the cold and wind to play. UGHHHHHH! Who's going to have to stay up at night with him and take off work to take him to the doctor when he gets sicker because some stupid teenager wants to play outside with a baby? The social worker and the stupid teenager will be sleeping and going about their lives while I have to take care of the baby they got sicker. And you know that BM will try to blame us for getting him sicker.

When I got to the daycare at noon to give S his breathing treatments, his caregiver told me that the social worker and BM were bitching and complaining that he didn't have a jacket. They said "He's already sick, why doesn't she have a jacket for him?" The daycare worker offered his blanket if they really had to take him outside, but the decided to stay inside. After talking to the daycare, I decided that I needed to call my home development worker and S's worker back. I know I didn't say everything I wanted to say to S's worker, and I want our worker to know the shit that they are doing. But when I called I couldn't get in touch with either of them, but I'm not done. I will talk to both of them on Monday. I have documented everything from the time of the visit and the temp outside. I know that I'm not wrong in thinking that S did not need to be outside "playing". It's freaking February not April!

I really feel like his worker is looking for things to be wrong with us. I know his BM has the whole time we've had him. The worker visited us Monday for our monthly visit. She asked us if we give S any water to drink. We said no. His doctor said he doesn't need any. He gets plenty from formula and the diluted juice we give him. The worker said that BM was concerned because she saw during one of their visits that the other babies at the daycare had water in the fridge, but S didn't. One how the hell do you know what the other babies' water was for? Did you ever think that it may be for formula. Everyone doesn't send pre-made bottles like we do. Two why the hell are you looking at what other parents' send for their kids you have no clue why that child has the things that they have. S is not dehydrated nor does he want for anything. We give him everything he needs. I knew that things like this would happen being a foster parent, but it still pisses me off to no end.

I'm almost 2 weeks into my Nutrisystem, and I'm still going strong. I was worried that my D&D/ Valentine's Day weekend off would mess things up, but I made it through without much of a problem. Today I weighed and I'm down 10.2 pounds! I'm so happy. I've got a long way to go, but I'm moving in the right direction.I just have to keep making healthy choices instead of caving to my cravings for junk.

Taking Advice

Every once in a while I will get a fortune cookie that has some decent advice in it. Last night everyone in our house felt like crap in one way or another. So after finally getting the baby to bed, Rob and I took our sick butts to bed early too. I kind of had the munchies so I grabbed a leftover fortune cookie that was sitting on my night stand. I broke it open and started to chow down. I finally read the fortune, and it really hit home with me.

"Only you can change your life. No one can do it for you."

After the past few weeks at work, and the general uncertainty surrounding my job this little fortune was just what I needed. I've been praying for an answer on what I should do, and now I know.

moar funny pictures

I truly believe that there will be in a Wal-Mart in heaven and one in hell. The ones that are in my town and the next town over will be the flagships of the chain in hell. I went last night because I needed to pick up some things to hang wall decor in the nursery and also pack up more of Squeaky's too small clothes. I also wanted to run by Big Lots and raid the Nutrisystem shipment that they got in recently. So I figured we would save gas and go to the walmart that's across the street from where we would be. It's always a ton of fun going shopping with S if he's awake so saving time is always my main objective.

We get to the store which is arranged differently than any other walmart I've ever been in, and makes no sense. Things that are usually near each other are on opposite sides of the store in this place. So after wandering all over the store for our items, we finally checkout with the idiot cashier that has no idea how to ring up a buy one get one free coupon. OMG! He scanned the item and the scanned the coupon and then looked confused. So he voided the item and went to ask someone about the coupon. Then he tried again and then he went to ask the same person another question. We went through this 3 times. And you guessed it, he effing over charged me. I get home and I have been changed for 3 bottles of cleaner, given one free when I only purchased 2 bottles of cleaner! Ughhhhh! It just pisses me off to no end to be overcharged. I don't steal from your store so don't steal from my purse! It will cost me more than the overcharge amount to go back over there to talk to customer service.

Then today I got to check to see why I still haven't gotten an email from walmart about my item I bought online and had shipped to the store on Jan. 29. I've been checking for weeks to see if it was there yet. But the site kept saying it had an estimated delivery date of 2-18. I checked today and it's been sitting in the effing store since 2/11. WTF! No email, not nothing. But it's not like they forgot to take my money for the item 3 weeks ago! Now I have to take the baby back to the store (a different one than the one last night) and deal with more dumbasses to get my comforter set tonight. I freaking hate that store sometimes! I hope I don't whoop somebody's ass tonight.

Weekend

Our Valentine's day was pretty nice. It got off to a slow start, but it ended up well. I had a hair appointment early that morning because I could not take have a head full of nappy hair any longer. That took longer than I expected since the lady doing my hair overbooked herself. So I had fun being crammed into a small shop that's about 12x12 with 8 other people. But that's what you have to put up with sometimes to save money.

We took S to stay with my mom for the night, but she couldn't keep him overnight like last time since she had to be at church early the next morning. After dropping him off, Rob and I ran by Toys R Us to get some diapers because I had a $5 off coupon that was expiring that day. Isn't that romantic? I tried to make the trip as short as possible because it was Valentine's day, and I was looking forward to actually going out this year.

After we left the store, we swung by the cemetery to take Madison the v-day balloon and new pinwheel. Then we ran home to get dressed for a nice dinner out. We decided to go to our favorite Greek restaurant since it's kind of expensive so we don't get there very often. We had a nice time talking and reminiscing. After dinner we came home and cuddled on the couch for a while before we went to pick up the baby.

Today, we have been listening to Squeaky cry, scream, yell, beat, flail, holler, and just plain bitch all day. We think he's finally cutting his first tooth. You can feel it trying to come through. So I know he's hurting, but it's still irritating to listen to. Orajel and pain reliever helped, but he refused to not be held for more than a few minutes at a time. So I haven't gotten much of anything done today. I was able to get a big chunk of the nursery decor changed while Rob occupied S since the new crib set I bought came in Friday night. It's so cute! I'll post pictures as soon as I'm done.

Here's a picture of one of the few minutes that S was not being held or screaming today. Poor little guy, I'll be glad when we're past this process.

Progress

Squeak visited his new doctor on Monday, and he's getting better. Rob took him to the visit and he said that the nurses were very nice and loving with S. The nurse that treated him read over the medical journal that I put together to show all of the visits we've had with no success with the previous doctor. She agreed with us that Squeak's cough and congestion was bad and not "normal" for this area like we've been told before. She put him on the breathing treatments that I've been trying to get for so long without even being asked. She also put him on a new decongestant and refilled one of his better ones that he had been on. Then she sent Rob and S over the the medical mall to have S x-rayed to make sure that there wasn't anything else going on. The x-rays look fine, and he will be going for a follow up visit in 2 weeks. I thank God that we've finally gotten S in to see a real health care professional and not some money grubbing, arrogant asshole!

The breathing treatments have gone ok so far. He fought the 1st couple sessions, but the last 2 he's taken like a trooper. He's been a handful the past 2 days. He alternates between very needy, pissed off, or really giggly.

Tomorrow is our recertification home visit, and I think we've gotten most of the house ready. I just need to vaccume and run the dishwasher. The day after tomorrow is Rob's birthday, and I'm still not sure what we're doing for it. I'm waiting for him to decide. He's already got his gift since it came in hella early from QVC. I got him a netbook or a mini laptop whatever you want to call it. And he's been playing on it for over a week now. I wanted to get something big and something he's been wanting for a while. And easy payments made that a lot more affordable. I just thought about something; he's gotten a computer for his birthday last year and this year. The one last year was a desktop that he had to assemble for the bottom up. I really did marry a huge computer nerd, but I love him anyway.

Frustrated

I've been so tired and frustrated every day I leave work for the past few months, and it's just getting worse and worse every day. I know my job is the reason why my blood pressure has been out of control, and now I'm back on 3 meds instead of 2. Our department was understaffed already with 4 of us doing the work for about 10 people. And now we're down to 2 people. And if you think I'm being paid anymore for all this extra work you're a moron. Nope, we're supposed to "keep our heads down and keep working" like our VP said. To me that's Politically correct code for " Don't pay attention while we butt rape you, and throw you away like a $2 whore as soon as the merger is complete." Moral is so low, it's virtually nonexistent. I've avoided looking for a job outside of the company for a while because I didn't want to leave the company. It's not like there are a lot of decent paying jobs in our town, and right now we can't move away or we would lose Squeaky. I worked for 2 years to get this job so it's hard to just give it up for some dead end job or worse yet going back to the pits of hell aka Chase. I've been talking to my friend, Scott, about another job option that's available to me. But it would be a complete change in careers. Actually a complete change in life. The past 2 days we've been moving heavy ass boxes full of dusty files and binders since we've just consolidated offices. I know we'll be doing the same thing Monday and possibly Tuesday. My back, legs, and feet are killing me, and I need a manicure like no one's business.

Squeaky is sick as usual. He's not too sick to play or eat, but his cough and chest congestion is horrible. You can just feel the rattling in his chest accompanied with his constantly running nose. I finally got him appointment with a new doctor on Monday, and I'm praying that this one does his job and gets him well. It's so freaking hard to find a doctor in our area (actually I've checked in a 40 miles radius) that takes Medicaid. My life would be so much easier if I could just put S on my insurance. Then he could go to any doctor I wanted. I don't think I'm being a nervous mother when I keep taking my child to the doctor because he's been sick since we got him in September! WTF?!!! That's almost 5 months and not to mention the fact that I know he was sick before we got him! He doesn't deserve to never be a healthy normal child sometimes. I'll make a list of all the meds S has been given over the past few months that haven't cleared things up to show the new doctor so we don't end up with the same med again. I need results. I'll let everyone know how the doctor visit goes on Monday.

We also have to get our house cleaned up for our re-certification evaluation with our new home development worker on Wednesday. It doesn't seem like it's been 6 months since we got certified. We will finally get to meet our new worker since the one that certified us moved to a new office back in October. I need to fill out the paperwork she sent us too. But first I need to find it in all of the piles of mail on my desk.